To ask how I can gently ignore SIL

[tiredsandtimer]

SIL used to live at the opposite end of the country so we'd only see her on big occasions like easter, Christmas etc. Which worked out fine, we always got on fine and I enjoyed her company.

A year ago SIL moved less than 15 mins drive away and in that time many things have happened which have drastically changed my opinion of her and her DH. It would be too outing to say what exactly, but they have both made multiple dick moves (IMO) that just put me off having a close relationship. He's more of a dick than she is, but still I find her difficult to be around.

SIL keeps asking to meet up and I don't know how to respond other than "I'd rather not thanks". DH works different days to SIL so they can rarely meet up in the daytime with the dcs to catch up and my in laws seem to think it falls on me for the cousins to be close. But frankly I'd rather not spend time with someone who I'm not that fond of on my precious day off with my young dcs. Plus my toddler dcs aren't that bothered by their cousins and are closer to their own friends.

To make it even more awkward MIL is amazing and would be really hurt if I made things awkward by not just sucking it up and going along with it. I'm closer to her than my own DM and she really is lovely but she can't take any criticism of her dcs at all, so I can't even be honest and gently say why.

Whenever I arrange to meet MIL she often just invites SIL or she's there to meet us all. Which has made the meet ups with MIL less as a result and the dcs are constantly asking to go and see her which previously I would have loved to do but now I dread.

I also have a habit of holding onto things when people have behaved poorly, I'm working on it but it makes me doubt myself sometimes. In a nut shell they have been grabby, painfully tight (not poor) and pretty judgemental towards others. I don't think they're horrible people, just not someone I wish to socialise with frequently. DH is usually incredibly laid back about most things and even he said they've behaved quite poorly over the past year but she's his sister so he's willing to ignore it.

What do I do here?!

One thing I've learned through the many years is not to waste time with people you don't like, family or not. The negative impact on your life is damaging.

If you have to see her in rare occasion, fine, but I would not be making her a common presence in my life. Stand up for yourself.

Did their 'dick moves' affect you personally?

If not, I wouldn't be too judgmental as in a few months time, you may well be on here bemoaning your relationship with MIL and how you're not as close anymore, now that her DD has moved nearer.

Thank you, I agree. Happy to go to family gatherings (when they return one day) and be pleasant but I don't want to spend my limited time off with my dcs gritting my teeth!

I just feel so torn because it's not just me that is impacted by the decision.

I think it would be a bit crap to let some gulf develop between the cousins Tbh

Is this not something that can be resolved?

Just keep making other plans for your day off. Is there any overlap between DH's and SIL's days off, so they can arrange things with the DC without you?

I think I'd probably mentally accept that as not NC with family and liking MiL that contact has to be made. So on my terms.... E.g once a month doing an activity that may limit speaking time like swimming...
Because before long your children will be in school and this will be less of an issue, cos your children are going to be really busy in their spare time at after school classes etc...

*I think it would be a bit crap to let some gulf develop between the cousins Tbh

Is this not something that can be resolved?*

This is what concerns me. It's not been on major unforgivable event just multiple selfish/entitled things that wind me up in all honesty.

Which is why I think I'm being partly unreasonable because who doesn't get annoyed by relatives. But they are at the incredibly annoying end of the scale and so I feel it lies in my DHs court to facilitate the relationship for the cousins.

Not my day off with my dcs.

I'm very conflicted if you couldn't tell!

I dont like my brother or sil they are similar judgemental and look their nose down on people thankfully they live 5 hours away bit I limit my time when they come up.

Did their actions impact you? Are they something that can be discussed with sil?

Theres family I have that I dont agree with their views or opinions but I love them as they have redeeming qualities. To me being family is accepting who they are in the entire. Does sil have no redeeming qualities?

I agree with you OP. I don’t think it’s up to me to facilitate DSs relationship with anyone on DHs side - it’s his family. Just as j would never expect him to facilitate it on mine.
It would annoy me that the SIL Is invited every-time you arrange to see MIL. We have this issue (ie, I was very sick and MIL INSISTED she visit, she brought her parents and daughter without letting us know - has form for it!)

I would stick to the declining invitations tbh and hope she got the picture, saying no thank you is clear enough unless you want to be harsh and say no thank you, I’d like to keep our meetings to group family only.

If you invited MIL to your house, would she invite SIL?

Can’t you use Covid, you’re only allowing 2 households only and will catch up with SIL another time, but this is Grandmother/grand children time ... ? Would that work?

Personally, I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I mean, if they want you to see them every single week on your day off, then absolutely, fair enough that you don't want that. But you say yourself that they're not absolutely awful, and haven't done anything to you and that you DO get on with MIL so why not just arrange to see MIL and SIL at the same time and see what pleasure you can get from it?

I can't say I'd choose to spend all my free time with in laws by choice, but I think it's perfectly reasonable to grit my teeth and just get on with it now and again.

Also, unless your Dh works Monday-Friday and SIL works Saturday and Sunday, I struggle to believe there are zero opportunities for him to see her with the DC or with you all as a group. So I am wondering if the problem is that on his days off he doesn't want to waste time with his sister but expects YOU to spend your time off with her instead.

They sound awful Is she still grabby and tight when you meet her?

Firstly, I don't think it's your job to socialise with SIL just because your DH is working, that's for him to work out.

Just tell her you only have the one day off and have a lot to get done on that one day.

I don't think you can object to MIL inviting her though. If you go out on those days, just take the right amount of cash for you and DCs (in fivers/coins), and just pay for you and your dc.

OP,

Start as you mean to go.
Be busy.
Be unavailable.
Leave it to your husband to bring them.

Do the minimum you have to.

There is no way that I would be spending extra time with people that I felt distaste for.

Your husband can bring the children to his mothers.
You can do the same very occasionally.

Be as honest as you can.
My down time is precious and I want to open this time with my friends etc.

You don't owe your SIL a friendship.

Your MIL may be lovely but if she presses the point then she's not so nice really.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Your husband can keep the kids in touch.

I cannot stand my BiL, he has pulled off most of the dickest of dick moves there are.

However, I think it’s my duty to offer my kids the chance to build relationship with their cousins (who already have a dick dad, so their life is not easy) so we sometimes spend time together. The DC weren’t that bothered when they were younger but now they are older they love this family bond. My BIL is still dick, perhaps an even bigger one now, but tolerating his company is a price I’m willing to pay.

Does your DH love his sisters children? If he does it really would be worth finding a way to endure them whilst letting a relationship develop between the children.

I think cousin relationships are really important, and your kids will benefit in future years from having close friendships with their cousins. At toddler stage it doesn’t really matter but as they get a little older they need you to facilitate that. So I’m afraid I’d suck it up. Eventually the kids will be old enough that they can hang out without you!

Maybe mil would enjoy looking after the DC one afternoon every few weeks whilst you and DH did some jobs around the house or had some alone time. She could invite the cousins over to my too and to see your dc?
Maybe once a month or so you could invite the cousins over for an afternoon and take turns with sil to each have yourselves a break. That way the DC see there cousins buy you don't have to spend much time with sil.

If your children ask you when they are older why they didnt see their gran as much, what will you tell them? Do you think that saying their aunt did a few things that pissed you off and gran always invited her, would be enough of a reason? It's hard for people to make the judgement without knowing what she did and whether its nad for her to be around your children (eg I wouldn't want her around my kids if she was racist but might put up with her in small doses if she was a bit snobby). In short I'd probably put up with her in small doses if she wasnt terrible, if it meant my kids still having a relationship with their grandparent who they love

I think cousin relationships are really important, and your kids will benefit in future years from having close friendships with their cousins.

If your children have good relationships with their cousins it's nice, but it's not "really important." Even if the op and her SIL were the best of friends, that's no guarantee their children will be close as adults.

If you're just wound up by them and they're not actually bad people, then I think you would be unreasonable to let a rift develop between your family and your husband's. If she isn't actually harmful, then not seeing your MIL just because SIL might be there is a little childish and will only have a negative effect on overall relationships. Might you be being a little guilty of the judgement you decry in her?

I think cousin relationships are really important, and your kids will benefit in future years from having close friendships with their cousins

Nah. My mum bust a gut to keep us in contact with our cousins who Miles away.
Thing is, we had nowt in common, and as soon as she stop pushing it, we drifted apart. I don’t think I’d recognise them in the street now. I have one on FB but only because she is in a MLM scheme and the slow mo car crash is horrifying and I want to ensure my more vulnerable but well meaning relative doesn’t get drawn in.

Decide how much time you are willing to spend with her/them and say no to anymore. Even if you don't want to hurt your MIL that's not your problem. You need to act in line with you values, she (any everyone else, will have to learn how to manage their reaction to that.

It would be a shame for the cousins not to be able to develop a relationship, are they close in age? My friendships with my cousins are some of the most important and longest lasting in my life.

I'm not saying you have to be best mates with her, but surely the odd day out with the kids and MIL wouldnt hurt. If she's tight don't pay for anything for her!

I can't bear my FIL, he is the king of dick moves and has behaved appallingly in the past, but I do spend time with him occasionally for the sake of the kids and dh. I find it much better to go somewhere- for a walk or whatever - rather than attempt to all sit on a room together, that way there is a natural time limit on things too.

@tiredsandtimer

*I think it would be a bit crap to let some gulf develop between the cousins Tbh

Is this not something that can be resolved?*

This is what concerns me. It's not been on major unforgivable event just multiple selfish/entitled things that wind me up in all honesty.

Which is why I think I'm being partly unreasonable because who doesn't get annoyed by relatives. But they are at the incredibly annoying end of the scale and so I feel it lies in my DHs court to facilitate the relationship for the cousins.

Not my day off with my dcs.

I'm very conflicted if you couldn't tell!

I don’t know, OP, I know it’s tough & I’m sympathising big time.

I don’t like my toxic sister much but do everything I can to nurture a bond with my gorgeous niece and nephew. Remember birthdays, regular visits, take them on days out etc. They’re now old enough to email each other and I’m hoping to slowly back out the door as they age. They all get on fabulously and my sister and I often comment on how grateful we are that they’re friends. My parents are happy seeing them rogether. All is well. That’s my side.

On the other side, we appear to have massively annoyed the other set and consequently those cousins are virtual strangers .... all the platitudes of family bullshit and twee little Facebook posts but
Absolutely no presents or attempt to stay in touch. I feel hurt and upset - we live a few minutes from in-laws and they live five hours away but they basically avoid us when they visit. As this is DH and his brother, it will probably never be resolved or discussed so bang goes another opportunity. I suspect it stems from DH being the golden child but they’re a classically repressed family who would bitch about you behind your back but never attempt to fix a problem.

It really depends which scenario you want.