To ask how I can gently ignore SIL

[tiredsandtimer]

SIL used to live at the opposite end of the country so we'd only see her on big occasions like easter, Christmas etc. Which worked out fine, we always got on fine and I enjoyed her company.

A year ago SIL moved less than 15 mins drive away and in that time many things have happened which have drastically changed my opinion of her and her DH. It would be too outing to say what exactly, but they have both made multiple dick moves (IMO) that just put me off having a close relationship. He's more of a dick than she is, but still I find her difficult to be around.

SIL keeps asking to meet up and I don't know how to respond other than "I'd rather not thanks". DH works different days to SIL so they can rarely meet up in the daytime with the dcs to catch up and my in laws seem to think it falls on me for the cousins to be close. But frankly I'd rather not spend time with someone who I'm not that fond of on my precious day off with my young dcs. Plus my toddler dcs aren't that bothered by their cousins and are closer to their own friends.

To make it even more awkward MIL is amazing and would be really hurt if I made things awkward by not just sucking it up and going along with it. I'm closer to her than my own DM and she really is lovely but she can't take any criticism of her dcs at all, so I can't even be honest and gently say why.

Whenever I arrange to meet MIL she often just invites SIL or she's there to meet us all. Which has made the meet ups with MIL less as a result and the dcs are constantly asking to go and see her which previously I would have loved to do but now I dread.

I also have a habit of holding onto things when people have behaved poorly, I'm working on it but it makes me doubt myself sometimes. In a nut shell they have been grabby, painfully tight (not poor) and pretty judgemental towards others. I don't think they're horrible people, just not someone I wish to socialise with frequently. DH is usually incredibly laid back about most things and even he said they've behaved quite poorly over the past year but she's his sister so he's willing to ignore it.

What do I do here?!

I agree with you. You wouldn't expect DH to meet up with your sibling who he didnt like to socialise the kids. Why should you be responsible for his family socialisation.
Just say no sorry, were having time together/were meeting his friends etc. Could you pop into MILs unannounced?

BUT I do think it’s for your DH to deal with.

Of people just dealt with their own sides then things would be so much easier for beleaguered in-laws like us.

Always falls to the woman. Make your husband keep in touch

I would certainly not be meeting up with her one-to-one, but you will have to suck it up when your MIL invites her.

I do feel for you though, that is an unfortunate situation.

I think you tell your DH he'll have to be the one to maintain a relationship between his sister, her kids and your kids, because you don't care to spend your precious down time with her/them.

Let him sort it out.

There must be some way you can indicate to MIL that you'd like to spend some time alone with her. Something along the lines of how nice it is for her to have SIL and BIL so close now, but you miss the relationship you had with her before and could she see her way to sometimes seeing you alone, just her?

@OoohTheStatsDontLie

If your children ask you when they are older why they didnt see their gran as much, what will you tell them? Do you think that saying their aunt did a few things that pissed you off and gran always invited her, would be enough of a reason? It's hard for people to make the judgement without knowing what she did and whether its nad for her to be around your children (eg I wouldn't want her around my kids if she was racist but might put up with her in small doses if she was a bit snobby). In short I'd probably put up with her in small doses if she wasnt terrible, if it meant my kids still having a relationship with their grandparent who they love

Whoa...if the children ask their FATHER why they didn’t see their gran, he can tell them that he never made time and dumped on their mummy to perform the wife work that he should do. No, it is not fair to Guilt trip the OP - she married her DH not her MIL or SIL- she does not have to give up her precious time with her children to see people she doesn’t get along with without her husband taking the lead.

Can’t you drop and run if she’s there?

Personally, members of my family would have to have done something pretty awful for me to hold that much of a grudge. We don't choose our family and several of mine have their faults but they're not worth causing a rift over. However, I also agree that it's up to your DH to facilitate relationships with his own family.

So I would be expecting him to meet up with his sister and the cousins to nurture their relationship, and I would be pleasant at family gatherings

I don't think they're horrible people, just not someone I wish to socialise with frequently.

Then given that you have a fantastic MIL, I would count your blessings, inlaw-wise, and suck it up a bit. If it would make MIL happy, surely you can meet up with SIL occasionally? Would an hour be that terrible? Your kids, even if you don't think they're bothered about their cousins, will still absorb that feeling of family and belonging.

And who knows, over time, these meet ups might bring you a bit closer to SIL.

Like you I had the most wonderful MIL. SIL and I weren't particularly alike or close, but over the years (and decades!) that's changed. And especially after my husband died, she's been great and we've become very close. So don't give up on them yet. I'd advise doing enough to make MIL happy and keep the connection if you can.

if the cousins turn out like the parents, why is it n important relationship?

can you just gently tell sil that your happy to meet at family occasions but have your ow friends meeting etc and only limited time?

or just hand her back her tightness as a reason for not meeting, but in a matter of fact way?

It’s difficult when you don’t really like someone. I agree you shouldn’t spend time with people you don’t like, life’s too short. However that doesn’t make things easy.

Is there any way you can speak to SIL about the ‘dickish’ moves? Or if it happens again pull her up on it at the time?

"In a nut shell they have been grabby, painfully tight (not poor) and pretty judgemental towards others"

But if you never see SIL, how will you ever have the chance to do the "Fuck me, but you're tighter than a duck's arse!" with an obviously shocked expression?

Would playdates for the cousins work rather than you having to be there as well? Could you sell it as a reciprocal arrangement for both of you to have some time out to yourselves whilst the other babysits? That way the cousins still get to spend time together...

I wouldn’t let the relationship with the cousins be the deciding factor as tbh how many people stay close to their cousins when they go past 18 and the compulsory family gatherings stop?! I haven’t. Don’t have anything against them, just never really see them anymore.

I agree with the people saying life is too short.

Suck up the family gatherings with MiL and SiL but don’t feel obliged to keep seeing the SiL otherwise. Just make up excuses if you don’t want a big confrontation or leave it to DH. It’s his side after all.

I think it might be best to do the minimum without seeming too rude. But honestly it's your day off, if there are other things you'd rather do and people you'd rather see then do that instead.
It's not your role, it's your husband's.

Ah. A Wife Work one. No wonder there is a (grossly unfair) assumption that DiLs are to blame for even minor divisions within families. It's never expected that the son will keep in touch with his own relatives, and interesting how few of them seem to take the trouble. This is a DH issue: it's for DH to spend his precious downtime with his own kids and sister if that is his inclination. It doesn't always have to be up to the long-suffering wife.

There must be some way you can indicate to MIL that you'd like to spend some time alone with her.

If you really want to avoid a rift, I wouldn't. As grown adults it should hardly be naive to assume it's possible to maintain a cordial relationship with your MiL and a civilised distance but surface pleasantries with her (extremely poisonous) daughter. Bet you can guess where that ended. NC.

I think cousin relationships are important.
I think it's worth seeing SIL and doing things with the kids which don't involve a lot of intimacy and chatting; soft play, etc. It's easy enough to keep the conversation on childcare topics; even the most irritating relative will have something useful and interesting to impart.

I think you risk upsetting MIL and DH for little reason. Really creating a thorn in the side, a fly in the cup of tea for both of them. Families can be so life-enhancing when everyone mucks in.

Nobody can see into the future, and all of us might be grateful for a close family, one day. ( If, for instance, one of DCs hadn't got the knack of making masses of friends and grows to value the closeness with his cousins.) We all want to model love, forgiveness, tolerance to our own kids. Being charitable about our in laws failings is a good place to start.

In a nut shell they have been grabby, painfully tight (not poor) and pretty judgemental towards others

Yet here you are, judging them on things they haven't even done or said to you, and you just think they are incredibly annoying?

@neron think OP is just saying they judge others? They probably are grabby and right with OP.

OP,
Lots of poster's are correct, nice for cousins to get on.

Ask your husband what HE wants.
What HE wants to do with HIS family going forward.

My husband's family are lovely, I really enjoy their company, but he really doesn't do much to meet them more than a couple of times a year, despite really enjoying their company🤷🏼‍♀️.....I don't stress about it, it's not my responsibility. Love meeting up with them.

If I didn't like them, it just wouldn't be MY responsibility.

It's difficult as both DH and I have some truly toxic family that we have suffered for too long so this might colour my views a bit.... But in this position I think I'd try the odd meet up, once a month or so max, at an activity that doesn't mean much chat if possible.

I'd also go armed with some polite diversions or phrases to stop conversation I wasn't happy with, rather than sitting and internally seething about them spouting shite. It really does help to set out some boundaries and can make people much more tolerable. MN has been great for teaching me this!

You have the ‘ick’ and that’s difficult to resolve 🥴

Can you provide some examples op? Maybe if it's the same types of examples then you can prepare a response or reaction before hand.

in a nut shell they have been grabby, painfully tight (not poor) and pretty judgemental towards others
Just to be that annoying person, an old uni friend of mine might describe the rest of our group as 'painfully tight' because we bring picnics/snacks from home on days out, or don't agree with splitting the bill when others have had a sandwich and coffee at lunch vs wine and most expensive thing in menu (halcyon days with lunches out!) and will call people judgemental but actually just means 'doesn't have my exact way of thinking'.
Can you not do activities that wouldn't actually involve much adult interaction due to a high level of supervision requirements?