To ask how I can gently ignore SIL

[tiredsandtimer]

SIL used to live at the opposite end of the country so we'd only see her on big occasions like easter, Christmas etc. Which worked out fine, we always got on fine and I enjoyed her company.

A year ago SIL moved less than 15 mins drive away and in that time many things have happened which have drastically changed my opinion of her and her DH. It would be too outing to say what exactly, but they have both made multiple dick moves (IMO) that just put me off having a close relationship. He's more of a dick than she is, but still I find her difficult to be around.

SIL keeps asking to meet up and I don't know how to respond other than "I'd rather not thanks". DH works different days to SIL so they can rarely meet up in the daytime with the dcs to catch up and my in laws seem to think it falls on me for the cousins to be close. But frankly I'd rather not spend time with someone who I'm not that fond of on my precious day off with my young dcs. Plus my toddler dcs aren't that bothered by their cousins and are closer to their own friends.

To make it even more awkward MIL is amazing and would be really hurt if I made things awkward by not just sucking it up and going along with it. I'm closer to her than my own DM and she really is lovely but she can't take any criticism of her dcs at all, so I can't even be honest and gently say why.

Whenever I arrange to meet MIL she often just invites SIL or she's there to meet us all. Which has made the meet ups with MIL less as a result and the dcs are constantly asking to go and see her which previously I would have loved to do but now I dread.

I also have a habit of holding onto things when people have behaved poorly, I'm working on it but it makes me doubt myself sometimes. In a nut shell they have been grabby, painfully tight (not poor) and pretty judgemental towards others. I don't think they're horrible people, just not someone I wish to socialise with frequently. DH is usually incredibly laid back about most things and even he said they've behaved quite poorly over the past year but she's his sister so he's willing to ignore it.

What do I do here?!

@tiredsandtimer

*I think it would be a bit crap to let some gulf develop between the cousins Tbh

Is this not something that can be resolved?*

This is what concerns me. It's not been on major unforgivable event just multiple selfish/entitled things that wind me up in all honesty.

Which is why I think I'm being partly unreasonable because who doesn't get annoyed by relatives. But they are at the incredibly annoying end of the scale and so I feel it lies in my DHs court to facilitate the relationship for the cousins.

Not my day off with my dcs.

I'm very conflicted if you couldn't tell!

But as you've already said, that's not possible for him to facilitate, so yes I think that yabu.

The odd meetup, given we're likely to have further lockdowns I do think Yabu.

They've obviously not done anything extensive worth this reaction, beyond teething issues of moving closer.

For the sake of your dh and mil I would grin and bear it. Sometimes you have to take one for the team and if it is just a case of a personality clash then I would do so. I dislike my sil for several reasons but still make sure the cousins have time together because they love each other. We can make small talk dor two to three hours once a week. Your kids probably aren't as close to hers as they don't spend much time together. It looks like she is trying to remedy this but you are resisting. I found it a little sad that you said the kids are closer to their own friends than their cousins but I come from a background of family first.

I would just do weekly or fortnightly visits to your mil and arrange for sil to be there so the kids can play. You don't need to be in each others pockets (you won't enjoy that) but it demonstrates that you are willing to make an effort. I also think your dh should do more to facilitate the relationship, why should it always fall down to you?