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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are the school allowed to do this?

72 replies

EternalBeloved · 29/10/2020 07:54

The kids primary school head teacher called me out of the blue a year ago, to tell me that she had concerns for my daughter and had spoken at length with both my children, amd that she wanted to see me 3 days later about it. She asked me not to ask my children about it until we had spoken in person about it. Im not sure if she was allowed to ask me that? The next 3 days were so tense and horrible for me, I was so stressed (I am very sensitive to anxiety anyway) that I could barely eat or sleep. The problem turned out to be that my daughter had been a little weepy at school. She turned around in the meeting and said that children who are being abused get a bit weepy at school. I assured her my daughter wasn't being abused and was having sleep issues. I was working hard to fix the sleep issues but no sleep makes my daughter prone to having a little cry, which I thought was quite normal. This happened several more times for the same issue and I became very distressed.

Fast forward to yesterday, I get a call from the school. Another cryptic meeting with the head teacher, this time about my son. We moved the kids to this school 3 years ago and right at the start I asked for some help with my sons learning as I am certain he has a learning difficulty. I've been in about 8 times in 3 years trying to get them to do something for him, there definitely is something as his teacher last year tore him to shreds at parents evening for lacking concentration, bad handwriting, being bossy etc etc and when I told her I think he has learning difficulties she said that is probably true but also did nothing about it.

I have spent the whole night worried sick about what they wamt this time. My question is, am I being unreasonable to expect some warning when I am going to be heaved in and what it is about? Am I allowed to ask to be notified in writing with a stated reason to save me going out of my mind woth worry that this is around the corner again? I am a good mum and my kids want for nothing, I work with them on their feelings as well as school work etc. I give them everything I can. Thank you for any replies, I just really needed to talk this out.

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 29/10/2020 07:56

Have you thought about moving schools?

Tunnocks34 · 29/10/2020 07:57

When they call, ask them in regards to what.

It is totally unnecessary for them to be so vague.

borageforager · 29/10/2020 07:57

Of course you're allowed to ask. Just say, "yes, I can come in to meet with you, could you tell me what it is you want to discuss please?"

Todaythiscouldbe · 29/10/2020 07:58

Did you ask what the meeting was about?

AllsortsofAwkward · 29/10/2020 08:00

I'd move to a more supportive school. Speak to youre doctor in regards to sleep issues for dd and a referral for cahms for youre ds.

BootNoot · 29/10/2020 08:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

cansu · 29/10/2020 08:01

You need to be more assertive with them. When they ask you to come in, you need to ask what is going to be discussed. They have no right to be so secretive with you.

saraclara · 29/10/2020 08:01

Making you wait three days without explanation is incredibly cruel and unnecessary. And apparently over nothing. If they had a serious safeguarding concern they went about the whole thing wrongly.

I don't say this lightly, as a retired teacher, but I would be moving my children of its practical to do so. This does not sound a caring place at all. You have both a head teacher and a class teacher who are actively unpleasant and lacking in empathy or a will to help your son.

sorryforswearing · 29/10/2020 08:01

That’s like slow torture and the school should know better. I’d certainly ask and I’d be forceful about it.

cansu · 29/10/2020 08:02

By the way the head's approach to your dd being weepy is odd. I would deal with whatever this issue is about and then move them.

HelloDulling · 29/10/2020 08:04

When they called, did you ask what it was about? That would save you a lot of heartache.

borageforager · 29/10/2020 08:06

Off topic - hellodulling I just finished re reading Pusuit of Love

TikTakTikTak · 29/10/2020 08:06

It sounds like a bloody awful headteacher and the attitude of your sons teacher was not acceptable either.
I think you need to be prepared with dates you've been into school to talk about your son and some information about what they should have done for him. If it is about his additional needs then tell them what they need to be doing about it because you've done all you can.

But I'd move. It sounds horrible.

JenniferSantoro · 29/10/2020 08:08

If the head fears your children are being abused, she should be ringing the Police and children’s social care, not you.

It sounds like the head is wanting to make you worry. Have you thought about moving schools.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/10/2020 08:08

Setting aside the emotive words:

One HT has asked to see you as she had some concerns about your DD being overly emotional at school. You took her concern to be an accusation/attack upon you

One teacher has discussed issues with DSs behaviours and now the HT wants to discuss him too.

Maybe 'out of the blue' is just 'one day' and asking for your discretion was so as not to upset your kids until you had had a chat. She can't have been all that worried if she spoke to you at all!

Maybe 'tore him to shreds' was an open discussion.

Maybe 'being heaved in' is one adult asking to speak to another adult.

Maybe your anxiety is leading you to think all sorts of things that other people are not!

Think it through. Would receiving a letter make you less anxious? Or would you just worry over it until you had spoken to someone? What would you like to happen when school wants to talk to you about your kids? It isn't unusual and usually doesn't cause so much anxiety and stress. At this meeting could you explain to the HT a little and ask them to give you a litle more information, or whatever it is you need, to relieve your anxiety a little. They probably wouldn't bat an eyelid if you did!

I hope you can work this out, reach some understanding with the school about communication.

In the meantime, try to persuade yourself that this is a good thing, they want to discuss ways to help your DS! And if they sound at all negative ask them what they will be doing to help him, other than talking to you about it!!!

Florencex · 29/10/2020 08:11

You seem very focused on what is “allowed”, as if there is legislation over these things. Of course you are allowed to ask a question, youu don’t need permission for this.

iamruth · 29/10/2020 08:11

Well said @CuriousaboutSamphire

MaMaD1990 · 29/10/2020 08:12

If they had serious concerns they would be contacting CYPS immediately. Perhaps asking in advance what its regarding would save you some worry and I would also reiterate that you expect to be to what the issue is when they first contact you. If they refuse (and i don't see why they would!) I would be sitting in reception insisting on a little chat with the head...but that's just me! I hope it all goes OK for you.

MoonJelly · 29/10/2020 08:15

The current meeting might well be about support for your son's learning difficulties.

I'd suggest you email to say you would like to know in advance what the meeting is about and to have an agenda. If possible, take someone with you to take detailed notes and produce your own minutes of the meeting afterwards and send them to the school. If that's not possible, record the meeting - you're legally perfectly entitled to do so provided that it's solely for your own records, and you don't have to ask for permission.

makingmammaries · 29/10/2020 08:17

Maybe 'being heaved in' is one adult asking to speak to another adult.

When one adult requests another adult to attend for discussions, common courtesy demands that the reason be stated. That way, the discussion has a chance of starting on an equal footing.

MollyButton · 29/10/2020 08:18

I would send them an email asking for details about why they want the meeting (also ask to take someone with you if you feel you need support). Also after the meeting send in an email recording what was said anything they said they would do (with timescales), and anything additional that comes to you.
Also if you think your son has learning difficulties then you need to apply to have him assessed for an EHCP. Try to find local parent groups (or even the CAB) who can help you and give you advice on how to go about things.

I was going to say change school but I see you have already done that.
I also wouldn't be frightened if they threaten you with Social Services. Sometimes a Social Worker is extremely useful in getting help when schools and other agencies aren't responding.

I wish I could come and support you. But don't let them intimidate you. If they suggest a parenting course then you can say yes "provided you can get child care" but ask them what they are going to do to support your children.
And if they say they will do X Y and Z, then get dates and targets for X (that is they will start on: (date), they will review on (date) you will have another meeting on (date) the aim is for A by date), and the same for Y and Z. Pin them down on detail and plans and further meetings with you.

Oh and pro tip - keep a diary of things they say, dates for reviews etc.

You can do this!

ivykaty44 · 29/10/2020 08:19

If they call then say at this point

you do need to tell me what this is all about, lets have some transparency

If they try and fob you off then explain calmly that its not acceptable to you to be called in for meetings 3 days in advance and not told what they are for as this makes you feel very anxious and then to be told to keep secrets from your children you are finding difficult to understand

if it makes it better write down what you want to say and send to the school

SingaporeSlinky · 29/10/2020 08:19

I would ask what the meeting is about so that you can prepare yourself.

Have you thought about taking another adult (either a relative or friend, or even asking for another teacher) to attend the meeting with you? It might help to have someone else you can then discuss it with afterwards to see if you’re reading more into it.

I would also maybe ask for an email outlining the discussion afterwards, with points discussed and any actions needed, and by who. Children being abused might be teary at school, but clearly teary children doesn’t mean they are being abused. Does the HT have any other reason to believe your dc might be being abused, and are they making an accusation / involving anyone else? Did the safeguarding person attend for example?

LIZS · 29/10/2020 08:21

I'm not aure what you think is not "allowed". If there are concerns raised at school, about behaviour, safeguarding, progress, support, it is normal to request a meeting. They are trying to engage with you but you seem defensive when they do.. Maybe their manner is clumsy or request ill worded, but if the school is small or the teacher less experienced it may well fall tot he head to intiate a conversation. Do you do pick up/drop off? Might you have missed previous communication? Did you ask for further background to the discussion - it is not too late to email a request.

Cabinfever10 · 29/10/2020 08:22

I would put a formal complaint in this is not right. If the school have concerns about the emotional or physical welfare of your dc they should be contacting ss not quizzing your dc, informing you and forbidding you from talking to your dc about it. If you were abusing them then the ht would be putting them at extreme risk of further abuse.
Also there neglecting your ds by not assessing him for learning difficulties or referring him for an ADHD assessment. Please consider moving them to a more supportive school

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