Are the school allowed to do this?

[EternalBeloved]

The kids primary school head teacher called me out of the blue a year ago, to tell me that she had concerns for my daughter and had spoken at length with both my children, amd that she wanted to see me 3 days later about it. She asked me not to ask my children about it until we had spoken in person about it. Im not sure if she was allowed to ask me that? The next 3 days were so tense and horrible for me, I was so stressed (I am very sensitive to anxiety anyway) that I could barely eat or sleep. The problem turned out to be that my daughter had been a little weepy at school. She turned around in the meeting and said that children who are being abused get a bit weepy at school. I assured her my daughter wasn't being abused and was having sleep issues. I was working hard to fix the sleep issues but no sleep makes my daughter prone to having a little cry, which I thought was quite normal. This happened several more times for the same issue and I became very distressed.

Fast forward to yesterday, I get a call from the school. Another cryptic meeting with the head teacher, this time about my son. We moved the kids to this school 3 years ago and right at the start I asked for some help with my sons learning as I am certain he has a learning difficulty. I've been in about 8 times in 3 years trying to get them to do something for him, there definitely is something as his teacher last year tore him to shreds at parents evening for lacking concentration, bad handwriting, being bossy etc etc and when I told her I think he has learning difficulties she said that is probably true but also did nothing about it.

I have spent the whole night worried sick about what they wamt this time. My question is, am I being unreasonable to expect some warning when I am going to be heaved in and what it is about? Am I allowed to ask to be notified in writing with a stated reason to save me going out of my mind woth worry that this is around the corner again? I am a good mum and my kids want for nothing, I work with them on their feelings as well as school work etc. I give them everything I can. Thank you for any replies, I just really needed to talk this out.

The school shouldn't be asking a parent not to talk to their child about something and they should be transparent about what all meetings are about. Some schools do have a style of dropping things on parents but it is an unacceptable style and poor practice. I agree with a pp about a formal complaint ( email to the head to start with but can be escalated if you are not satisfied with the outcome). It usually puts a stop to them doing it to you.

Speak to your kids!!!

FamilyOfAliens, I am just a parent, so I haven't worked in any school except for doing some volunteer work at my dc's school.
I also think if they really suspect child abuse, they won't tell that to potential abuser, to give them the heads up to eliminate the evidence.
So, tbh, I don't believe the school said that to OP. I feel like she is seeing and hearing something isn't there, coloured by her anxiety.

That’s really weird. I got an email on the last day of term from dd2’s teacher because she’d been uncharacteristicly weepy and he was unable to get to the bottom of it. I spoke to dd (who I knew was over tired and really needs her sleep) and basically it was tiredness combined with an issue with one of the dc in her class. He has special needs but she likes him and does not want to get him in trouble but he also hits her fairly regularly and on that day he’d slapped her face. I was able to email the teacher the information and say I’d been monitoring and was planning to discuss at parents evening but I think the tiredness meant she couldn’t cope like she usually would.

I can’t imagine cryptic meetings. That said, I don’t think teacher was accusing you more explaining why she brought it up. I’d be asking what the meeting is in regards to as I need to prepare and am not willing to attend a meeting blind. If they refuse then I’d seriously look at changing schools. He’s might want to discuss getting a full assessment for ds which sounds like it would be a positive thing.

I would file a formal complaint to school about the way they deal with the situations like this. If it’s so important, the meeting has to be organised same day. If it’s something that can wait, I would have thought the will tell you the reason for this learning.

In future just ask what the meeting is in regards to. If they refuse to tell you then at that point I would be pissed off and consider taking further action.

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*...asked for some help with my sons learning as I am certain he has a learning difficulty. I've been in about 8 times in 3 years trying to get them to do something for him....

If you think your son has a learning disability then you need to be much more proactive than this in asking the achool to help.

They need to plan meetings faster if they want to do it that way. It sounds like they're worried that a bad parent would be cruel to the kids for it maybe.
Mainly I think you need to be more proactive in dealing with your sons learning difficulties, just sitting back waiting for the teachers to do something is, tbh, kinda lazy I think. You need to advocate for him, you cant expect teachers who are looking after 30ish kids to recognise and put all the worm in when they pass him on 10 months later.
They're probably thinking "I told her he was struggling in class and she agreed but shes done nothing about it" about you too.

The situation described by @m0therofdragons sounds more like what I'd expect too. OP it sounds as though the school are managing things badly rather than doing things they aren't permitted to do, if that makes sense. But it also sounds like poor communication channels and it might be worth you trying to improve this yourself to see if it makes a difference.

You could try writing out a note describing the needs of both children, include anything relevant to the school such as suspected SEN and poor sleep and use that note as the basis for a meeting. If that goe well, keep them regularly updated in writing. Ask them to try to send you emails about problems as they happen, and explain that this is so that you can deal with things quickly before they become major issues, and so that you can consider the problem and talk to your dc before replying (and explain that you talking to your dc about things is important). Explain that them calling meetings without telling you what it is about is going to be less productive. But try to keep all the communication emotion free and professional, as that helps everyone keep a clear head.

If they continue to be difficult then it might be lack of experience or expertise on their part and it might well be better to move school to somewhere where communication is easier with teachers.

And beucas aim sure you're thinking "but I've asked them to do something" I'll expand. When I was 16 I thought I was dyslexic. So I researched, i found out what would help me, what assessment I needed and took my info to the head of year and said, this is what I think I've got, this is why, this is what I need to help me, this is where you can buy them from, this is the assessment I need for extra time, this is who does it, could you book me in please?
When I thought I was autistic, I did the same thing with the GP, here's all the info and evidence, could you refer me to this place for the assessment please.
Both times I got the help and support I needed, because I'd done all the work. If id gone in and said "I think I have a learning difficulty" they probably wouldn't have done anything because what can they really do with that info.

So do some reading, talk with your son, work out where he struggles, how he feels, what is most likely to be the cause, what does he need, who do you need to contact, what does school need to do. And go in armed with that information and tell them who they need to contact and what your plan of action is.

I think they need to tell you what it is about, and you should definitely be able to take someone with you for support. I would put all this in writing, including how it makes you feel, and what you expect in the future from them. If this isn't helpful then move schools. The head sounds a pain and a bully.

I would communicate in writing to the HT that the repeated requests for meetings in person for unspecified reasons are causing you severe anxiety, and ask that, in the future, a basic reason for the meeting is provided over the phone or email, or you will not attend.

@Nottherealslimshady

And beucas aim sure you're thinking "but I've asked them to do something" I'll expand. When I was 16 I thought I was dyslexic. So I researched, i found out what would help me, what assessment I needed and took my info to the head of year and said, this is what I think I've got, this is why, this is what I need to help me, this is where you can buy them from, this is the assessment I need for extra time, this is who does it, could you book me in please? When I thought I was autistic, I did the same thing with the GP, here's all the info and evidence, could you refer me to this place for the assessment please. Both times I got the help and support I needed, because I'd done all the work. If id gone in and said "I think I have a learning difficulty" they probably wouldn't have done anything because what can they really do with that info.

So do some reading, talk with your son, work out where he struggles, how he feels, what is most likely to be the cause, what does he need, who do you need to contact, what does school need to do. And go in armed with that information and tell them who they need to contact and what your plan of action is.

Schools absolutely do know how to screen and ask for assessment of a potential learning difficulty. It is is very hard to bypass a school if they are not in agreement. Even if you have the means to engage an independent assessment, it will usually require cooperation from the school.

Both times I got the help and support I needed, because I'd done all the work. If id gone in and said "I think I have a learning difficulty" they probably wouldn't have done anything because what can they really do with that info.

While you sound admirably determined and have an impressive attitude towards your health, you are very lucky to have the capacity and the opportunity to complete this research and present your findings in the way you did.

It absolutely should not be the responsibility of those who have concerns to diagnose themselves and identify treatment options before asking for help. This is particularly true of those with learning difficulties who may be less able to advocate for themselves - seeking help should be enough to kickstart a process of assessment and support even if the individual in question is not able to request specific courses of action or identify their problems for themselves.

She asked me not to ask my children about it until we had spoken in person about it. Im not sure if she was allowed to ask me that?

It's really odd that she asked you to do this, but even stranger that you went along with it. She sounds like she is on a bit of a power trip to be honest - but you let her get away with that. If there is a next time, ask her to email you with an outline of what the meeting is for.

The head needs to refresh their safeguarding training quickly.

This doesn’t sound a good fit for your family, I’d be looking to move.

So, tbh, I don't believe the school said that to OP.

Wait, so now you’re saying the OP is lying?

Maybe all the other parents of children with SEN are lying in all their posts on the SEN board too? Plenty of stories there that don’t necessarily reflect too well on the schools involved.

Op your only mistake is to post this in AIBU

I wouldn't be telling the school they're causing you anxiety, you don't need to justify asking what the purpose of the meeting is.

Having done a SAR it was quite fascinating how certain events were logged on school records.

FamilyOfAliens, I already said what I thought, right after my comment you quoted. I don't think she is lying, I think she misinterpreted or misunderstood what they said. I just don't think school ask the parents directly if they are abusing children.

I would politely decline unless I got the reason. There is no need for them to be so bloody secret squirrel.

@pastandpresent

FamilyOfAliens, I already said what I thought, right after my comment you quoted. I don't think she is lying, I think she misinterpreted or misunderstood what they said. I just don't think school ask the parents directly if they are abusing children.

No, you didn’t say you thought she misunderstood or misinterpreted what they said. You said you didn’t think they said that to the OP. Unless you were there, you can’t possibly make that assertion.

And you misread the OP - the head didn’t ask whether the OP was abusing her child. She said that a child being weepy can be a sign they are being abused. She implied it by making the connection.