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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feel irritated by My DM's comment

59 replies

JaffaCake70 · 28/10/2020 19:16

Hi all

This year, at the age of 50, I decided to learn to drive.

I've always wanted to learn but have always put it off due to lack of funds, lack of time, lack of confidence, lack of motivation, procrastination etc etc.

Anyway, I decided that if I didn't start my lessons in the year that I turned 50, I probably never would.

I found myself a lovely, patient instructor, but I'm really struggling with nerves and anxiety before and during every lesson. It's almost crippling.

I've tried every remedy you can imagine: Kalms, Rescue Remedy, CBD oil, Bananas, Beta Blockers, to name but a few.. nothing really helps much. I sweat, I shake with nerves, my jaw is clenched, I grip the steering wheel and my movements (gear changes etc) are jerky and nervy.

Please don't advise me to give up or tell me that driving isn't for everyone, I really REALLY want to overcome this and pass my test. I need to be able to drive. I currently spend 2 hours per day travelling to and from work on trams, this time would be more than halved if I could drive. Also, my Mum is getting old, I want to be able to ferry her and her partner around (hospital appointments etc) when needed.

So, to the comment my post is related to. My Mum (who knows how much I'm struggling with nerves etc) has just phoned me. She asked how my lesson went and asked 'why' I'm nervous. This touched a raw nerve straight away, as I don't know 'why' I'm nervous, I just am!! She then asked how many lessons I've had so far, I said '16'. My DM then laughed and said 'Oh, I'm sure I only had that many lessons when I was put in for my first test.'

I just think this is so unsupportive of my DM. If it was me and I was talking to one of my Sons I'd be saying 'don't give up, you're doing so well' and 'your nerves will subside eventually as you get more familiar with the roads etc.' Everyone else, friends, work colleagues, my Sons, have been so helpful and supportive, why can't my own Mother do the same..

Let me just add, that my DM never passed her test. She took the test twice when in her 30's, failed both times and gave up. I don't try to make her feel bad about that, why would she try to make me feel bad about how many lessons I'm taking? I said from the start that this takes as long as it takes. i'm not giving up, even if I have to pay for 100 lessons!!

I'm just venting here. I know I'm being mard. I love my DM dearly. I just feel that she can be really insensitive. I'm trying so hard with the lessons, and struggling so much. I just wanted my Mum to recognise that and give me a bit of encouragement that's all......

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 28/10/2020 19:22

Did you mean to post under 'Coronavirus'?

Take no notice of your mum. I'm a mum. We say thoughtless things sometimes. My dd pointed out that I'd told her three unpleasant things in half an hour, one day last week. I remember suggesting she might be perimenopausal (she'd complained of brain fog, I was trying to be helpful)... As daughters, we're very sensitive to what our mothers say. Practise brushing it off.

Original poster
JaffaCake70 · 28/10/2020 19:27

@Hailtomyteeth

Did you mean to post under 'Coronavirus'?

Take no notice of your mum. I'm a mum. We say thoughtless things sometimes. My dd pointed out that I'd told her three unpleasant things in half an hour, one day last week. I remember suggesting she might be perimenopausal (she'd complained of brain fog, I was trying to be helpful)... As daughters, we're very sensitive to what our mothers say. Practise brushing it off.

Oh God. I very obviously have the perimenopausal brain fog, I can't believe I posted this in Coronavirus 🙄 I meant to post it in YABU/YANBU.

I suppose my gripe probably comes from wanting my Mum to be proud of me for trying.. (daft at my age, I know) but instead I feel like she's taking the mick and belittling me.

You're right about Mums and Daughters, it's a strong yet fragile relationship.

OP posts:
MNHQ
FeedTheVoodooLilyMumsnet · 28/10/2020 19:28

We'll move it over for you Flowers

Velvian · 28/10/2020 19:28

You can do it, op. Your mum's comments are all about herself, she maybe takes comfort from the fact that you don't drive either.

I noticed from a really young age how women's driving is constantly undermined and I take a militant stance against it (well DH's family seem to think so) Grin

I always channel my dad when I get in the car, I think there is certain amount of having to fake it until you make it.

You can do it, op. There is no reason that you can't!

RandomMess · 28/10/2020 19:30

Of course you can do it!

Are you learning in an automatic? If you aren't switch!

DaffodilsAndDandelions · 28/10/2020 19:30

Is there somewhere near to you like an old air field or similar? They sometimes have a driving school for all ages as there is no traffic to worry about. Might help you get used to driving without worrying about steering/crashing/other road users

Bmidreams · 28/10/2020 19:31

Keep going! She's probably jealous! Just practise a good come back for next time. Tell her she's just spurred you on even more, and you won't be giving her any lifts!!

Katiec89 · 28/10/2020 19:36

I took about 70 hours at 18 and was a sweaty mess everytime! Everyone learns at a different pace. Take your time, you will be a better more confident driver long term!

Newernewist · 28/10/2020 19:37

I'm 38 and learning too, I'm learning in automatic, honestly it's so much easier, why dont you have an automatic lesson and see how you feel?
And yanbu to be annoyed by your mums comments.
You can do this !!!

ArnoldBee · 28/10/2020 19:40

If I remember correctly the old formula used to be at least 1 lesson per year of your age. On that basis alone you are doing marvelously!

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2020 19:43

Two members of my family passed their test in their 50s.

Are you learning on a manual or an automatic? They did it on an automatic - as long as that's all you'll ever drive it's absolutely fine to learn that way. And it really takes a lot of pressure off.

Original poster
JaffaCake70 · 28/10/2020 19:44

@ArnoldBee

If I remember correctly the old formula used to be at least 1 lesson per year of your age. On that basis alone you are doing marvelously!
Thank you so much, your comment has made me feel so much better! :-)
OP posts:
Original poster
JaffaCake70 · 28/10/2020 19:45

@Nanny0gg

Two members of my family passed their test in their 50s.

Are you learning on a manual or an automatic? They did it on an automatic - as long as that's all you'll ever drive it's absolutely fine to learn that way. And it really takes a lot of pressure off.

I'm learning in a manual because I really want to be able to drive both manual and automatic. I'm hoping that soon my nerves will subside and I'll start to enjoy the driving more. If it doesn't get any easier I will definitely consider switching to automatic.
OP posts:
ShinyGreenElephant · 28/10/2020 19:46

I completely sympathise, I've had 120hrs of lessons. I did a crash course and failed the test at the end twice. I feel exactly the same as you - sick with nerves, shaking, petrified and cant concentrate with the fear so I make mistakes which makes me worse and its a vicious cycle. I'm having a break from lessons as I'm pregnant but will go back at some point and am already anticipating how much some friends and family members will take the piss, telling me to give up, that I'll never do it, that I'm being ridiculous, that I just need to calm down. So bloody unhelpful isn't it.

And the year of your age thing is a worry as I'm only 34 and been trying to learn since I was 20 Blush

Sally872 · 28/10/2020 19:46

Well done for going for it. I hated lessons, dreaded every roundabout. Now it is second nature and so many advantages. It is hard but it will be worth it.

Ignore your mum, she either doesn't realise how rude she is being or is struggling with something herself and taking it out on you.

Sally872 · 28/10/2020 19:49

Also at 16 lessons I don't even know if I was out of the industrial estates! Times change, and so do memories it is very unlikely your mum sat a test at 16 lessons.

slipperywhensparticus · 28/10/2020 19:52

I passed in my 40s i was a wreck too I failed twice and passed the third time I was on medication from the doctors (sertraline) and it eventually helped

My younger friend had to pass in automatic car as she was worse than me gor nerves there is no shame in that the reason I didnt was because I asked her what an automatic was like and she said its like driving a go cart and I really, really hate go carts so I persisted with the gears

Hormonecrazyhell · 28/10/2020 19:56

Don’t give up. Why don’t you try a more intensive lesson, like 4 hours with a little break in the middle? Yours nerves will ease and hopefully you’ll end on a high, which will boost your confidence and lower anxiety for the next lesson

MereDintofPandiculation · 28/10/2020 19:57

If you do find yourself taking your test on an automatic, there's nothing stopping you at a later stage having lessons on a manual and taking another test.

On the other hand, if we really are moving over to electric cars as soon as they say, there may not be much point.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/10/2020 19:59

Your DM is forgetting that when she took her test - 50 years ago or more? there was hardly any traffic on the roads!! or parked on every inch of pavement.
I passed my test in the quiet suburbs a long time before I had to drive DH's car in the city centre where I didn't really recognise the routes, I caved and quietly had 10 extra lessons in the area, which made all the difference to me feeling confident enough to drive there.
So ignore the crap comments. All that matters is that you are learning safely and at your own pace.

Mybelle · 28/10/2020 20:02

Agree with previous posters. Switch to automatic. Taking the gears out of the equation is one less thing to think about and so much easier. I first started lessons when I was 17, I was alway so overcome with anxiety I never got anywhere with it failed 2 tests because I was so nervous. I finally passed at 34 after switching to automatic. Now I can't believe I ever had any fear, I'm a confident driver. I never thought it would happen. The switch to automatic made all the difference.

Original poster
JaffaCake70 · 28/10/2020 20:07

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

Your DM is forgetting that when she took her test - 50 years ago or more? there was hardly any traffic on the roads!! or parked on every inch of pavement. I passed my test in the quiet suburbs a long time before I had to drive DH's car in the city centre where I didn't really recognise the routes, I caved and quietly had 10 extra lessons in the area, which made all the difference to me feeling confident enough to drive there. So ignore the crap comments. All that matters is that you are learning safely and at your own pace.
Your reply is pretty much how I responded to her. I said " Mum, the roads were nothing like as busy as they are now back then (in the early 70's) and also, I'm a lot older than you were when you took your test". I then said it is what it is Mum, I'm not giving up.

I do wonder if one of the previous posters is right when she says that my Mum probably took comfort in the fact that I couldn't drive. Once I've passed it means that myself, my siblings and my Mum's partner have all passed our test, but Mum hasn't. Maybe her insensitive comment was a way of shielding the fact that she feels a bit put out by me taking lessons?

OP posts:
dointhedo · 28/10/2020 20:09

I passed first time at 17 - after 50 lessons. I was incredibly nervous throughout, and I think I only passed my test because I was convinced I'd failed because I didn't look in my mirrors to pull out of the test centre and relaxed a bit.

Definitely recommend just getting comfortable with the car. Sitting in it and fiddling with the controls whilst on an empty supermarket car park, doing a few manoeuvres when there is noone to see; really helped. My driving instructor drew me a diagram of how the gears worked which really helped too as I had no idea why I was pressing the clutch before then.

My biggest fear was what other drivers would do, but if you're braving the tram every day then what others do on the road is a breeze next to the weird things they do on public transport!

dointhedo · 28/10/2020 20:10

Ps sounds like your mom is a bit jealous

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/10/2020 20:13

Well done for deciding to learn OP, I really applaud you for leaping in Smile

The test and required learning is much much harder now than when your mum would have learned, so it’s pretty irrelevant what she did. I’d t try your best to ignore. I learnt in my twenties and found it really stressful and anxiety inducing too, I cried several times behind the wheel! I had about 50 hours of lessons I think. What did help was doing a crash course, I did those 50 hours within about 6 weeks, and it really helped it go in and feel natural more quickly. So much is muscle memory and I think it’s hard to get in the swing of it if you spread the lessons out. If I’d had to do 1-2 hours a week I’d never have learned. Could that be an option for you? Also, yes, automatic is an easier option. I’d usually always recommend learning manual but auto might just be better for you?