To feel irritated by My DM's comment

[JaffaCake70]

Hi all

This year, at the age of 50, I decided to learn to drive.

I've always wanted to learn but have always put it off due to lack of funds, lack of time, lack of confidence, lack of motivation, procrastination etc etc.

Anyway, I decided that if I didn't start my lessons in the year that I turned 50, I probably never would.

I found myself a lovely, patient instructor, but I'm really struggling with nerves and anxiety before and during every lesson. It's almost crippling.

I've tried every remedy you can imagine: Kalms, Rescue Remedy, CBD oil, Bananas, Beta Blockers, to name but a few.. nothing really helps much. I sweat, I shake with nerves, my jaw is clenched, I grip the steering wheel and my movements (gear changes etc) are jerky and nervy.

Please don't advise me to give up or tell me that driving isn't for everyone, I really REALLY want to overcome this and pass my test. I need to be able to drive. I currently spend 2 hours per day travelling to and from work on trams, this time would be more than halved if I could drive. Also, my Mum is getting old, I want to be able to ferry her and her partner around (hospital appointments etc) when needed.

So, to the comment my post is related to. My Mum (who knows how much I'm struggling with nerves etc) has just phoned me. She asked how my lesson went and asked 'why' I'm nervous. This touched a raw nerve straight away, as I don't know 'why' I'm nervous, I just am!! She then asked how many lessons I've had so far, I said '16'. My DM then laughed and said 'Oh, I'm sure I only had that many lessons when I was put in for my first test.'

I just think this is so unsupportive of my DM. If it was me and I was talking to one of my Sons I'd be saying 'don't give up, you're doing so well' and 'your nerves will subside eventually as you get more familiar with the roads etc.' Everyone else, friends, work colleagues, my Sons, have been so helpful and supportive, why can't my own Mother do the same..

Let me just add, that my DM never passed her test. She took the test twice when in her 30's, failed both times and gave up. I don't try to make her feel bad about that, why would she try to make me feel bad about how many lessons I'm taking? I said from the start that this takes as long as it takes. i'm not giving up, even if I have to pay for 100 lessons!!

I'm just venting here. I know I'm being mard. I love my DM dearly. I just feel that she can be really insensitive. I'm trying so hard with the lessons, and struggling so much. I just wanted my Mum to recognise that and give me a bit of encouragement that's all......

@dointhedo

I passed first time at 17 - after 50 lessons. I was incredibly nervous throughout, and I think I only passed my test because I was convinced I'd failed because I didn't look in my mirrors to pull out of the test centre and relaxed a bit.

Definitely recommend just getting comfortable with the car. Sitting in it and fiddling with the controls whilst on an empty supermarket car park, doing a few manoeuvres when there is noone to see; really helped. My driving instructor drew me a diagram of how the gears worked which really helped too as I had no idea why I was pressing the clutch before then.

My biggest fear was what other drivers would do, but if you're braving the tram every day then what others do on the road is a breeze next to the weird things they do on public transport!

HAHAHA You're definitely right about the tram. I've had many weird experiences in the 10 years that I've been travelling on it. I even sat in human excrement once... but that's a whole other thread!!

Thank you for making me laugh :-D

JaffaCake70, firstly well done on learning to drive and being determined to persevere.

I know you found your mum's comment about why you are so nervous touched a raw nerve but if you think about it and identify in your head what it is that is sparking this reaction you will be better able to control it. Is it fear of crashing, fear of not knowing the mechanics of driving, fear of what other people on the road are doing/might do? Is it because you see other people happily driving and can't understand why you can't find it so easy?

If you are learning with an instructor in a dual control car he will take over if he feels you are out of control or dangerous if he is not doing that you can't be doing too badly can you?

If your instructor is as kind and patient as you say, talk to him, explain how nervous you are, I am sure he will have seen it all before and will have some guidance for you.

Another vote for switching to an automatic. I learnt to drive in a manual but absolutely hated driving. I always had problems with changing gears and was always stalling (despite passing my test first time). For some reason I could drive my driving instructors car but not my own. Switched to an automatic and I actually surprised myself by liking driving. Would never drive a manual again.

Also is your driving instructor nice? The first instructor I had was awful, so condescending and rude. I hated having lessons and stopped. I didn't have another lesson for nearly 20 years. I was so nervous starting again but found a lovely driving instructor second time round. He was so calm and relaxed. It really help me get over my nerves. ~

You're doing fine OP. My neighbour didn't start lessons until she was 60. Took her 3 years of lessons to get there, but she stuck at and got there in the end. The sense of freedom you'll get when you pass will be worth the nerves now. Take your time and enjoy the process of learning.

Well done OP. I think your mum is probably a teeny bit jealous, but don’t let it put you off.

My mum learned to drive at 50, 35 years ago! She was terrified and it took ages but she faced her fears and did it. We were so proud of her, and it brought her so much freedom.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has already been suggested but I had to post to say that I swear that a self hypnosis c.d (something like this one: www.amazon.co.uk/Overcome-Driving-Hypnosis-confident-Motorways/dp/B0012IX8TE)?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 was what did the trick for me. I listened to it every night and passed age 33, 8th test and 37 weeks pregnant. I just wanted to say don't give up, if I can do it anyone can :) GOOD luck!

I have found with my mother, that the way to inner peace is not to invite comment or conversation on topics that I find a sore point. If there is a sure-fire comment that will either piss on my parade, or make me feel like shite, sure as eggs, she will make it. . .

You are doing fantastically well, keep on going!

My driving instructor drew me a diagram of how the gears worked

Mine did the same and talked me through the basic mechanics, spent a fair while making me practise getting the right point where the clutch and accelerator sychronise and why that is important. In effect he said the car is a machine, it does what you tell it to do, but like all things if you treat it well it will respond better.

Thank you Mumsnetters. Every single one of you has been wonderful. You've more than made up for my Mum's silly comment with your supportiveness and encouragement!

I'm six lessons into a ten lesson block that I've paid for (my second block). If at the end of this ten I feel that learning in an automatic is a better option for me, I may well switch.

Your comments have helped so much. Learning that other people have taken lots of lessons and lots of tests to get there really helps. I don't feel quite so stupid and inept now.

I'm just so eager to get that license. I want to get a little one woman tent, drive to my favourite spot, pitch my tent and lie on a sun lounger drinking wine and reading a good book... it's my dream and I will do it, I promise!!

I passed in a manual car, drove for a few years then had a ten year gap when I moved to central London - thoroughly endorse the recommendations to learn in an automatic.

My Mum never passed her test, but used to swallow loads of Valium (GP prescribed for that very purpose) before each driving lesson
Not sure I'd recommend (but it was the 60's)

I'm just so eager to get that license. I want to get a little one woman tent, drive to my favourite spot, pitch my tent and lie on a sun lounger drinking wine and reading a good book... it's my dream and I will do it, I promise!!

Awwwwwww. That’s so sweet! You can do it

1 - learn on an automatic
2 - anxiety gets worse with age, you already mentioned perimenopause, so that will be ramping it up for you.

I learned on a manual, but have driven automatics only for decades. Way nicer.

Hi OP - I haven't read all of the other posts and i'm sure other people will have mentioned it, but i really recommend trying an automatic.

I learnt over 20 years ago in a manual, then after a couple of years was involved in a collision (not my fault). It frightened me so much that I didn't drive at all for 6 years - I only forced myself to start again when DD started school and I had to drive for the school run. I was as nervous as you describe yourself, but got a large, automatic car - being in a higher position in a decent sized car made me feel more confident and not having to change gear and find a biting point etc makes the whole driving process simpler. The beauty of this, for me, isn't that it makes driving easier - although it does - but that it gives me more time and space to be aware of everything around me and drive defensively.

At the end of the day, the roads are super busy and accidents will always happen. You can't account for other people's poor driving, but you can (mostly) make sure you don't drive into other vehicles if you're careful - I'm certain you manage to walk along a busy street without crashing into other people left, right and centre, and it's a similar principle!

Don't give up - deep breath, don't panic. I always feel a swell of pity for learner drivers because I remember how nerve wracking I found it.

I haven't got much to add, as everyone else has pretty much said what I'd have chimed in with, but I just want to say how impressive it is that you're doing this! It takes guts to get out on the road these days. Honestly, it will be difficult - I had a hard time learning too. In short, my Dad passed away in a car accident so I had always had this negative feeling towards driving. My lessons left me with migraines, dripping with sweat and I think I left indents from my fingers on the wheel! I would even cry if I stalled because I found the jolt of the car to be startling. But I eventually passed, second try. I am no longer anxious about it, it no longer makes me cry and the world is mine to explore now I have my little car!

I know everyone says it, but seriously, if I can pass - the gibbering, emotional wreck - then you totally can, I promise! Push aside anyone's attempt at negging you, and focus on yourself. Think of all of the lovely places you will be able to go to. Just don't beat yourself up, and remember that you are always in control. It will all be okay :)

I got my license in the late 1980’s and the world is a completely different place now. There are so many more people on the roads and most of them are fools! I think you are very brave doing this and I am so proud of you!!! Your Mum is probably trying to keep the order. I suspect this isn’t the only little put down that has kept you in your place and kept her world ticking on just the way it is....

I managed to pass my test first time when I was 18 - no idea how - but then didn’t drive for another 10 years (had no need to). I was a complete wreck. I had some refresher lessons but drove an automatic, and still do, it really is so much easier,

Good luck!

Keep going OP, I know of a lady who finally decided to learn to drive and got her licence when she was 60. Admittedly she learned in an automatic, but she still did it.

Yeah, she sounds jealous and (probably) doesn't want you to pass so she feels better about herself.

Also, if you do switch to an automatic, don't feel any shame. I passed my manual test when I was 18, but since then I've had 3 cars (petrol manual 'first' car, petrol semi automatic sporty hatchback and diesel manual suv), and my favourite car to drive was my second one! They aren't like what they were 10 or so years ago. The old view of them being for 'old' people is long, long gone. You can get very quick, sporty, fun cars with an automatic gearbox to drive (a Golf GTI being one of my personal favourites!) My second car was considerably faster than anything my friends drove at the time- it absolutely smoked them.

So, if you do need to switch, you will have absolutely loads of fab cars to choose from. And no one will even bat an eyelid.

YOU CAN DO IT!

I'm 32 and haven't learned yet but want to.

I really recommend the book 'Feel the fear and do it anyway'

I passed my test on my 5th attempt! I used to get so nervous before the tests it was crazy - on one the instructor asked to “pull over and park when safe” during the test, so I put my foot down and overtook the cyclist I was directly behind and pulled in, meaning the cyclist went into the back of the car... they didn’t fall off and it was all very low speed - no injuries but quite Austin Powers. I didn’t pass that one! 😂

Keep going OP you’ll get there and it’s definitely worth it in the end! Also agree with pp - automatic is very easy, it’s like driving a dodgem (with foot technique not driving style!)

I think that you not driving means that your mum sees you “on the same level” in the driving realm. So if you now pass where she has failed then it’ll highlight her failure to her. This is not so much to do with you passing, than her failing 30 odd years ago, so Please don’t let it affect you!

Good luck ♥️

I think it is absolutely brilliant that you are doing this. (I am a similar age and am so aware of how much confidence I have lost as I have got older). It will be very useful to you but also your family - they are lucky to have you supporting them.

I am also in awe of how supportive your family and friends have been (excluding Mum!). That shows me how they are rooting for you and want you to do well. So please dont give up. It took me three goes to pass in my 20's - practical things were never quite for me!

But I drive confidently now and wouldnt be without that skill. I look at my ex-SIL - older than me and wont drive. (She passed the driving test and refused after that to ever drive again). It has limited her lifestyle.

So regarding your mum. Be irritated - it is an unsupportive attitude. I get the same. I am at the moment giving up a voluntary position - it has been a big commitment over the last few years and I am no longer able to commit the time. The comments I receive are so negative yet at the same time I get comments along the lines of "well I never knew that you could volunteer for things like that", " I never thought to do any voluntary work" etc. I think there is a jealousy there as to the opportunities our generation had and perhaps theirs didnt (particularly for intelligent women). Like you I love my Mum, and wouldnt want to deliberately hurt her, but gosh is it annoying!

I have driven both automatic and manual, and much prefer manual. Better control of the car. Also, it took me 60 lessons and 3 attempts to pass my test!

I'd say that how many lessons your mum had is actually irrelevant considering she never passed. Take it as her licking her wounds and think no more of it.

Hi op, I had so many lessons, double lessons, You just couldn’t tell if I was on my 2nd lesson or 42nd lesson.
My main thing I didn’t understand was roundabouts, no idea what was going on.
I must have been chugging on slowly as my instructor thought he’d enter me in for my test and I was terrified. The thing that changed for me was going on a family holiday to Scotland (from south of England), my DDad drove all the way and he was an ok driver, sometimes bad. I just was taking more notice of the roads and other drivers and my attitude changed to if my dad can drive then so can I. I also had friends give me tips on how they did parallel parking. I’m not sure how my instructor didn’t comment on how I went from clueless to being able to parallel park perfectly, quickly and under pressure with cars behind me.

Is there something specific that’s making you nervous - is it general road sense? Could you go out with someone else just watching how they deal with driving in traffic?
Good luck!

I didn't learn to drive until my 30's - lacked money and time at various points before that.

My mum was almost 40 when she learned and passed her test - 4 tests and 3 years it took her but she's a fantastic if cautious driver. She ALSO learned to swim in her 60's despite being an almost life long water phobic after falling in a stream as a little kid and nearly drowning! I'm talking to the point she could barely cope having a bath! I can't imagine the courage it took her to do that! She had an instructor who specialised in fearful swimmers who took it VERY slowly. I believe the first lesson was literally get in swimsuit sit at edge of pool with feet in water!

You sound determined op, but give yourself a break too. Anyone would be nervous learning to drive in modern traffic conditions. God knows there are far too many numpties on the roads with no fear whatsoever and they're a bloody liability!

Haven't rtft but I absolutely second the idea of finding a large area near you - old car park, abandoned airfield or similar and going there and just getting very familiar with manoeuvring the car etc I did this when I was learning too.

Are you able to practice OUTSIDE of driving lessons? Because lots of practice really is the key.

My ex and I used to go to the local high school on a weekend when the large car park was almost totally empty and just practice moving, clutch control, turns, parallel parking etc over and over and over. Really helped

Good luck

My DM learnt in an automatic when she was about 58! Like you it was the commute every day- don’t give up- she was so nervous that she threw up once in one of her very first lessons-she got therein the end though and ended up taking an amazing job where she drove all over Yorkshire.Good Luck!