To feel irritated by My DM's comment

[JaffaCake70]

Hi all

This year, at the age of 50, I decided to learn to drive.

I've always wanted to learn but have always put it off due to lack of funds, lack of time, lack of confidence, lack of motivation, procrastination etc etc.

Anyway, I decided that if I didn't start my lessons in the year that I turned 50, I probably never would.

I found myself a lovely, patient instructor, but I'm really struggling with nerves and anxiety before and during every lesson. It's almost crippling.

I've tried every remedy you can imagine: Kalms, Rescue Remedy, CBD oil, Bananas, Beta Blockers, to name but a few.. nothing really helps much. I sweat, I shake with nerves, my jaw is clenched, I grip the steering wheel and my movements (gear changes etc) are jerky and nervy.

Please don't advise me to give up or tell me that driving isn't for everyone, I really REALLY want to overcome this and pass my test. I need to be able to drive. I currently spend 2 hours per day travelling to and from work on trams, this time would be more than halved if I could drive. Also, my Mum is getting old, I want to be able to ferry her and her partner around (hospital appointments etc) when needed.

So, to the comment my post is related to. My Mum (who knows how much I'm struggling with nerves etc) has just phoned me. She asked how my lesson went and asked 'why' I'm nervous. This touched a raw nerve straight away, as I don't know 'why' I'm nervous, I just am!! She then asked how many lessons I've had so far, I said '16'. My DM then laughed and said 'Oh, I'm sure I only had that many lessons when I was put in for my first test.'

I just think this is so unsupportive of my DM. If it was me and I was talking to one of my Sons I'd be saying 'don't give up, you're doing so well' and 'your nerves will subside eventually as you get more familiar with the roads etc.' Everyone else, friends, work colleagues, my Sons, have been so helpful and supportive, why can't my own Mother do the same..

Let me just add, that my DM never passed her test. She took the test twice when in her 30's, failed both times and gave up. I don't try to make her feel bad about that, why would she try to make me feel bad about how many lessons I'm taking? I said from the start that this takes as long as it takes. i'm not giving up, even if I have to pay for 100 lessons!!

I'm just venting here. I know I'm being mard. I love my DM dearly. I just feel that she can be really insensitive. I'm trying so hard with the lessons, and struggling so much. I just wanted my Mum to recognise that and give me a bit of encouragement that's all......

My DH is 46 and is learning to drive right now. He said it didn't click with him until he had done 40 hours and now he gets less nervous. He still is working on it before trying for a test. He thought about automatic but wanted to master the gears.

Good luck with your lessons!

This might be something you've tried already, but two things; one, chewing gum to help relax your jaw (it's hard to clench when chewing and the flavour might help) and also music/scents. One of the hard things about driving is that we're trying to learn physically coordination things to a point of automaticity while also trying to develop 360 spatial awareness and trying to predict other people's behaviours. There's a reason making self drive cars is so tricky 😜

Stick with it. You'll get there. And it doesn't matter how many lessons or how many test attempts, there's no set level.

A friend was prescribed beta blockers - in her 20s - as she had such fear of her driving test. She passed (after a few attempts) and has never looked back. Wish you very success with your plans.

You are such an inspiration! Keep going!

I learnt in a manual and I've never had a manual car since! I'm not in the UK but it's hard to buy a manual here now so I'm another vote for switching to an automatic if you feel the need.

It got so much better for me when I was able to drive alone. Then no one saw if I took a wrong turn because I couldn't get in the right lane or that it took me more than one attempt to get into a park. Totally freeing then!

So your mum said she only needed 16 lessons before she took her test.... but she failed the test! So that is meaningless and certainly shows that 16 lessons was not enough. So ignore her OP

Good luck, don't focus on how many lessons, just make sure you don't take the test until you feel good and ready.

Hi OP.

I passed on my 10th attempt. It got to the point were I was like a joke in the family so I just didn't tell anyone when I took a test I just told them when I passed.

My cousin is in her 50s and has been trying to pass since she was 18, but she is keeping on going because its something she wants to do.

In the test that I passed the examiner spoke to me about my day and weekend plans and said that I was a much better driver when I forgot I was being tested, maybe see if that works for you.

Good Luck it is definitely worth the effort and remember there is a difference between driving to pass your test and actually driving a car safely.

You can definitely do it! It took my 27 year old sister 3 years due to nerves and she did it. I've been on and off (mostly off) for over 10 years learning, due to finances, nerves, the wrong instructor. And I'm finally starting to feel like my confidence is getting there. I'm 40 very soon and similarly to you, I've got a mission to do it before I'm 41.

Have you tried learning in an automatic? I’m so nervous of stalling in a manual but an automatic is so much easier to learn to drive in if your at all anxious.
The thing I took from your post op is wow well done for persevering even though your so anxious! You’ve made up your mind that you want to accomplish something and your trying your hardest to achieve your goal!

I passed on my 4th attempt aged 19. I can't remember how many lessons, but plenty. Things that helped: taking it in my own car and getting plenty of practice with my mum (who had good practical tips); changing instructor to one with a better personality fit; ignoring the fact my friends were passing much more quickly. It took a few years for the nerves to go away fully, but they did. My Dad was very discouraging (although he did buy me a car).

I believe that people who take longer to learn make safer drivers in the long term.