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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to Expect Dinner Cooked for Me?

61 replies

lealea6366 · 28/10/2020 10:20

I haven't worked full time since my DC were born 20 year ago. My DH pays me $xxx to buy groceries, pay my bills, petrol etc. He expects dinner on the table most nights of the week and I'm happy to do that. I don't work full time, just a few days here and there when someone has a day off, I fill in. I've currently got 3 full weeks of work, working 6 days a week, only getting Sunday off. I told DH a few weeks ago, if I'm working long hours, 8 am til anywhere between 4pm-6:30pm, I expect to have dinner ready for me for a change. He gets home every day by 3:30pm. I'm only 5 days into the job and so far he has not had anything cooked for anyone, much less for me. He did get dinner ready tonight, Tacos, he knows I absolutely hate tacos. DH gets his own dinner but doesn't bother with anyone else. AIBU here? In his mind, he pays me so I should do for him. I don't have any savings in the bank so accept all the work I can get, with Christmas coming up, this little bit of work is very appreciated and needed. I just want a nice meal at the end of the day. Is that too much to ask?

OP posts:
SittingontheRascal · 28/10/2020 10:22

Sorry couldn't read past "DH pays me xxx"

Are you married or his home help?

cabbagevan · 28/10/2020 10:26

Show him this and tell him he's being a dick. You are being a doormat.

AIBU to Expect Dinner Cooked for Me?
cabbagevan · 28/10/2020 10:26

Wrong pic sorry

wannabebump · 28/10/2020 10:27

@SittingontheRascal

Sorry couldn't read past "DH pays me xxx"

Are you married or his home help?

This!

Get through the next few weeks of work, sort your own dinner and when he goes back to work and you're at home then he doesn't get dinner on the table.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 28/10/2020 10:30

He doesn't pay you he pays for groceries.

Just no , in our house i am currently unable to work (i do some freelance etc but only when I'm able) due to covid childcare so yes i do the main of the cooking and cleaning but we have always had the rule it's the person available to do it. Money is shared money as are the groceries.

Might want to start saying that if he wants to pay you as a personal chef then by all means but i bet it will be a damn sight higher than what he is paying now.

Having said that , and I stand by it , I'm not sure I would ever tell my partner I expect him to have my dinner ready. I would ask if he could make dinner or in fairness he probably would. I will admit if I told DP to have dinner in the table for him he would be unimpressed at me speaking to him like that. As I would be if he "expected" me to do it However I wonder if that's perhaps more post wording than anything else.

The tacos thing sounds like him being a passive aggressive arse if he knows you really don't like them. Had he mentioned it before ? As in what he was planning to do?

Tiersforfears · 28/10/2020 10:32

@cabbagevan
😂😂😂😂😂😂

Florencex · 28/10/2020 10:34

I don’t think anybody should expect their dinner to be on the table. The idea makes me quite uncomfortable as I associate it with abusive relationships.

TallFriendlyGinger · 28/10/2020 10:35

Sounds like he's gotten way too comfortable over the past 20 years, if you are working long hours recently he should be stepping up. He's probably become settled in your arrangement and is being inflexible. Also pretty selfish! If you're cooking dinner you should make it for your partner as well!

SkaraBrae · 28/10/2020 10:38

What's shocking is that he makes himself food... and doesn't give a shot about anyone else.
Or makes something he knows you hate.

Is he punishing you for temporarily giving him the 'woman's job'?

SkaraBrae · 28/10/2020 10:39

And how old are your children?
Do they have to fend for themselves too?

BritWifeinUSA · 28/10/2020 10:39

8 am to 4 pm or even 6.30 pm are not “long days”. Those are normal working days for most of us. But we manage. Did you know about the work in advance? When I know I’ve got a busy week or month ahead of me (and that can be 70+ hours per week), I use the time beforehand to batch cook some meals and freeze them. You could have done that since you had a prior period of no work at all. Starting at 8 am is not early. I start work at 5.30 am. Do you have a slow cooker? It’s a great help. If he’s home at 3.30 pm then I’m guessing he starts before you. He still works full-time? Meal prep is the answer.

But the cooking is just a sideshow here. The big issue is “DH pays me...” makes it sound like you’re a housekeeper or something far more sordid. I don’t know if you’re trying to elicit sympathy for your miserable life as your husband’s housekeeper or if you need professional help because you allow yourself to be treated like that. It’s not normal that the husband “pays” the wife for her housework and cooking.

Pebbledashery · 28/10/2020 10:40

I think you're both being a tad unreasonable and sounding a bit entitled because you both work. If you were both maybe a bit reasonable about it and would say you'd appreciate or like it if he made dinner or you made dinner rather than you or him expect dinner on the table perhaps you wouldn't feel this level of resentment. You'd have a shock if you ever became a single mum working full time long hours and cooking dinner for yourself every single night..

hitchhikingghost · 28/10/2020 10:49

Your husband ’pays you’? Confused
And no, you are not working long hours.

TicTacTwo · 28/10/2020 10:54

You're both unreasonable

Cooking for yourself but not your wife and kids is unreasonable

He pays you money for groceries. If he's home at 3:30 he could easily pick up groceries and cook. You save him the trouble of going shopping. If he was paying you, he'd add extra for your time.

8:00-4:30/6:30 isn't a particularly long day? My teenager worked that yesterday (she was on her feet all day) and managed to get dinner started when she got home around 6. (I get in later)

KarmaStar · 28/10/2020 10:55

There's so much that sounds wrong in your post I think I'll just stick to answering your question.
Neither of you should expect meals on the table.
Use your slow cooker.batch cook so meals can be defrosted and heated up when you get home.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/10/2020 10:55

He 'pays you'? That's an employer, not a husband.

Does he love you? That would be a husband.

SarahSinuses · 28/10/2020 10:56

At what time does he start work?

Sounds to me, since you are both home between 3:30 and 6:30, you should take it in turns to cook?

Or one person cooks and the other does all the washing up? That's what we do since my cooking is much better than DH's.

Or get ready meals once in a while so no one has to cook?

If you are expected to do most of the housework and cooking as well, then your DH is awful.

RaspberryCoulis · 28/10/2020 10:59

My DH pays me $xxx to buy groceries, pay my bills, petrol etc

How patronising. Have you never heard of sharing? The concept of the breadwinner giving the housewife her "housekeeping" is so 1950s.

jessstan1 · 28/10/2020 11:04

@RaspberryCoulis

My DH pays me $xxx to buy groceries, pay my bills, petrol etc

How patronising. Have you never heard of sharing? The concept of the breadwinner giving the housewife her "housekeeping" is so 1950s.

That.

I found it difficult to get past the capital letters. I've come across someone else who does that, Is It A New Fashion In Writing? There really is no need and it's Quite Distracting.

Adelecarberry87 · 28/10/2020 11:05

I put yabu you dont work full times hours, sounds like youre dc have long since grown up how come you don't work full time? I could understand if you both worked full time and yes he could put something in however youre not working long hours.

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 28/10/2020 11:07

If her DH ‘expects’ dinner on the table all the time, then I don’t blame her for reacting the same way. What’s sauce for the goose and all that..

Those people saying she should have batch cooked or used the slow cooker, what the fuck?! How about her DH pulls his weight with doing some bloody cooking.

Take it in turns to cook. I don’t mean literally your turn, my turn, but just share the cooking depending who is best placed to do it that day or even who can be bothered. At other times one of your throw a pizza in the oven, open a bag of salad, and a tub of coleslaw when neither can be bothered.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/10/2020 11:09

DH gets his own dinner but doesn't bother with anyone else.

Which just makes him a twat, doesn't it? He's actually in there, cooking, and he will only help himself.

That isn't how a family works, so clearly yes, he does simply see you as an employee. So a chat is needed about pensions, sick pay, and the ethics of sleeping with your staff, I feel.

TableFlowerss · 28/10/2020 11:23

I agree you both sound a bit unreasonable. You may be working more than him for the next three weeks but he’s done that for years and years.

He is still working full time too, where you don’t work much normally, so it’s not unreasonable for you to make the tea for everyone, because what else would you do? You’ve not got young children to look after.

Would it be nice for him to make your tea? Well yes, but I don’t think you can expect it. The pair of you should take turns!

AnotherSlice · 28/10/2020 11:25

Surely the point of being a SAHM is that you operate as a team within the family, providing different types of work for everyone's benefit.

Your DH is treating you like a badly paid servant, not as a partner in the same team or as a family member.

Is this fixable? Are you happy with it beyond this ridiculous selfish, passive aggressive stand off?

flaviaritt · 28/10/2020 11:25

Doesn’t sound fun, this.