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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to Expect Dinner Cooked for Me?

61 replies

lealea6366 · 28/10/2020 10:20

I haven't worked full time since my DC were born 20 year ago. My DH pays me $xxx to buy groceries, pay my bills, petrol etc. He expects dinner on the table most nights of the week and I'm happy to do that. I don't work full time, just a few days here and there when someone has a day off, I fill in. I've currently got 3 full weeks of work, working 6 days a week, only getting Sunday off. I told DH a few weeks ago, if I'm working long hours, 8 am til anywhere between 4pm-6:30pm, I expect to have dinner ready for me for a change. He gets home every day by 3:30pm. I'm only 5 days into the job and so far he has not had anything cooked for anyone, much less for me. He did get dinner ready tonight, Tacos, he knows I absolutely hate tacos. DH gets his own dinner but doesn't bother with anyone else. AIBU here? In his mind, he pays me so I should do for him. I don't have any savings in the bank so accept all the work I can get, with Christmas coming up, this little bit of work is very appreciated and needed. I just want a nice meal at the end of the day. Is that too much to ask?

OP posts:
steff13 · 28/10/2020 11:29

Are your children adults? It seems like everyone could pitch in to make dinner now and again. If I worked full time and there was another adult at home all day, I wouldn't want to make dinner most of the time, either. But if you are both at work, then I think it's fair to take turns.

You're unreasonable for hating tacos, though. Tacos are amazing. And yesterday was Taco Tuesday.

Qwertywerty3 · 28/10/2020 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

LindaEllen · 28/10/2020 11:33

To be honest, the whole thing sounds pretty unhealthy to me. He shouldn't 'expect' dinner to be on the table when he gets home from work, and nor should you. He probably made tacos because they're super easy - or possibly to annoy you because he likes them and you don't, and you'd made so much fuss about him getting the dinner ready.

When I know I'm going to be out late, I'll throw some beef and veg in the slow cooker and make a casserole, and it's bubbling nicely for me when I get home.

If we're both out late, sometimes we'll just grab a ready meal from the freezer (they do some really nice ones these days) or even a takeaway on occasion.

I wouldn't say getting home at half 6 is too late to cook, though. You can make a bowl of pasta in less than 15 minutes, for example.

I'm not saying you SHOULD cook for him or he SHOULD cook for you, just that neither of you is entitled to have dinner waiting .. but you should really want to do these things for each other.

Me and DP have never, ever 'expected' things to do be done like that. He lets me take his card for groceries at the moment as my business has struggled due to covid, but he doesn't 'pay' me, he just lets me grab his card and go. I know I can use that card for anything I like, and unless I was taking the piss and buying myself something expensive, he wouldn't comment. When my business is doing well, he's welcome to whatever money I have too.

Only you know what the rest of your relationship is right, but this singular snapshot doesn't sound good to me.

If this is the only issue though, I'd get a slow cooker, get into the habit of freezing extra portions of things, and make sure you're stocked up with easy things to make like pasta and sauces etc. That way there's always something quick to make, or something in the freezer.

IndiaMay · 28/10/2020 11:33

Tbh you've had 20 years off work with the financial support of your husband. If I wasnt working and my fiance was then yes I would expect to do all the cooking/cleaning/running of the home because that would be my role within the team. So you havent had a particularly hard time of it (presumably you chose this situation too? You could have gone to work and built up some savings?)

Now you are working "long days" (that 8am - 6pm would be my normal working day. Admittedly 5 days a week and not 6 which is tough but as you said it's only for a few weeks) . So now you are both working I would expect dinner to be split equally. YABU expecting that you should have dinner cooked for you everyday because you suddenly go to work. Perhaps your husband has got too comfortable over the years with having his dinner cooked for him, I dont think that makes him a terrible person as 20 years is a long time. It sounds like you have got to comfortable not working and see a normal working day as too arduous to contemplate cooking when you yet home. Think it's time for a sit down, a chat and maybe to get the slow cooker out and split some tasks between you.

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/10/2020 11:35

Whoever works the fewest hours picks up the lion’s share of the house duties. If you’re currently both working similar hours then you share the load or you each sort yourself out - I don’t actually have a problem with that. I’m currently working whilst DP isn’t and you bet your ass I expect him to do the grocery shopping and the cooking and a whole lot more besides, and if he were the one supporting us financially I’d have the same expectation of myself.

LindaEllen · 28/10/2020 11:35

Also as a side note, do your DC live with you? What are their schedules like? If the oldest is 20 and still lives with you I would 100% expect them to chip in and make a meal every now and again too.

If they don't live with you, and it's just you and DP, that makes it easier to just grab something for yourselves whenever you want to eat.

I always think meals should be eaten together, but if it's causing you nothing but grief it might help your relationship hugely if you just fend for yourselves when you're working.

butterpuffed · 28/10/2020 11:35

Everyone is saying that your DH is treating you like an employee but actually it was you who used the expression 'he pays me' so i'm not so sure.

However , very mean of him to just cook himself dinner.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/10/2020 11:44

If he's home by 3.30pm every day; has he ever even offered to cook? Does he do anything else?

And does he even know how to cook?

It sounds as if you've made a bit of a rod for your own back to be honest, if you've acted as a subservient housewife who gets 'paid' for 20 years.

And you 'expect' dinner to be on the table, just as he has done? You need a serious conversation about sharing responsibilities and chores.

I'm in a fairly new relationship (2 years) and made it very clear to my 50-year old partner that we share cooking. He didn't know how so I have been teaching him. It took a bit of explaining that women don't just drop out of the womb knowing how to cook; it's a learned skill. He is now taking pride in it.

The 'paying you' comment and him only cooking for himself worry me more than anything else. How selfish.

GabsAlot · 28/10/2020 11:45

my dh doesnt pay me we have a joint acco9unt i take what i like-im better at the budgeting anyway

i dont do dinner for him after work-stop making him dinner see how he likes it

BuntysTwinkle · 28/10/2020 11:45

If his day ends at 3:30pm, you shouldn't be the default dinner maker anyway!

I have a feeling that if you use the slow cooker method, you probably won't see any of the results...

Just pick up a takeaway for one or ready meal for one on the way home. At the very least you shouldn't be making dinner for any other adults at the moment.

Friendsoftheearth · 28/10/2020 11:47

You are not a team. You are the paid help.

You have now ditched your paid help role for a real paid role and he is kicking off. This man does not have your back. Why are you with someone who can't even remember what you like to eat - or worse still did he give you tacos deliberately?

You need more balance, he needs to cook more often, work as a team and cook together sometimes.

You are at his beck and call, and that my friend is no fun and your 3 weeks of work has just highlighted what he thinks of you

Knittedfairies · 28/10/2020 11:47

What time does he start work? You may not be working long hours, but possibly longer hours than he is.

Belladonna12 · 28/10/2020 11:49

@IndiaMay

Tbh you've had 20 years off work with the financial support of your husband. If I wasnt working and my fiance was then yes I would expect to do all the cooking/cleaning/running of the home because that would be my role within the team. So you havent had a particularly hard time of it (presumably you chose this situation too? You could have gone to work and built up some savings?)

Now you are working "long days" (that 8am - 6pm would be my normal working day. Admittedly 5 days a week and not 6 which is tough but as you said it's only for a few weeks) . So now you are both working I would expect dinner to be split equally. YABU expecting that you should have dinner cooked for you everyday because you suddenly go to work. Perhaps your husband has got too comfortable over the years with having his dinner cooked for him, I dont think that makes him a terrible person as 20 years is a long time. It sounds like you have got to comfortable not working and see a normal working day as too arduous to contemplate cooking when you yet home. Think it's time for a sit down, a chat and maybe to get the slow cooker out and split some tasks between you.

OP says she hasn't worked for full time since having DC, not that she hasn't worked at all. She obviously does work, hence is out the house all the time the moment. She has also looked after DC. Do you actually have children? If not come back when you do, (assuming you will be the mother) and then tell someone who has worked part-time while bringing up children that they have had it easy.
Halliehallie9828 · 28/10/2020 11:52

If your both working full time currently can’t you just share making tea ...

My partner works full time. I work part time... I don’t cook tea for him every night for when he walks through the door. Sometimes I’m busy. He can make his own tea.

SnugglySnerd · 28/10/2020 11:52

I work part time. Dh works full time but is currently wfh so obviously he is here during the day. He cooks dinner on the 3 days I work and it is ready pretty much when I come in along with a cup of tea.
I cook dinner on my days off as I have more time and on Saturdays. Sundays we usually share as we tend to do a big roast or something.
To me, this seems like normal behaviour - that the person who is at home or who gets home first cooks.

Brefugee · 28/10/2020 11:54

if he's at home by 3:30 pm what time does he start? I'm guessing not 8am?

tbh nobody should expect anything of anyone unless you have agreed in advance. I almost never cook because my DH gets home first, around 4pm. But that's because he starts at 6 so he's out of the house at 5am. But even so i sometimes cook of an evening if I'm not really late (i usually get home around 18:30 sometimes later, then it makes no sense for me to cook unless it's beans on toast)

You need to re-evaluate what your expectations are from him, from yourself and from your partnership.

Silentplikebath · 28/10/2020 12:00

What concerns me is that it sounds like you don’t have equal access to your joint money. You are married so should have the same amount of savings as your DH. Is the rest of the relationship good?

GoldenOmber · 28/10/2020 12:01

I don’t think anybody should be expecting anyone else to have their dinner waiting on the table for them when they get in. But given he thinks it’s fine to expect that from you, he can’t complain when you’re working longer hours and the tables turn. Live by the casserole, die by the casserole.

(and yes of course you can just set some things up in a slow cooker before you start your day, but so can he...)

Cloudburstagain · 28/10/2020 12:09

I would look for a permanent job, start putting money away in savings. Start building up your own pension pot.

Angelina82 · 28/10/2020 12:17

Good God where’s the team work? You say your husband “pays” you but surely, as a family with kids, all earnings (including yours) should go in the pot. As for making the dinner, just seeing to yourself is beyond selfish. Surely whoever’s home first (including any grown up kids) should sort it and the rest of the household take turns to do the clearing up?

Dashel · 28/10/2020 12:18

Surely a lot of this depends on a lot more information than is given.

If I had only worked the odd day here and there for the last 20 years and my dc were 18 and 19 and my DH had no issues and were at uni and I had not been working all year but had been “paid” fairly by him then he would probably have expected me to have prepared meals or bought foods that could be shoved in the oven. In this best case I would have had plenty of time to prepare for this in the weeks before hand.

Other extreme, he pays me a small amount of money, I have 6 kids some of which are still young or need help and I have no time to prepare and am always rushed off my feet and things need to change anyway.

Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 28/10/2020 12:24

I don’t think you should expect your husband to cook for you, no. As other posters have said, if you’re both working full time tasks should be shared. Having said that, it was spiteful of your husband just to cook for himself and not you. Is he bitter that you’re back at work and therefore not able to do as many household chores?

NeonGenesis · 28/10/2020 12:25

He makes himself food, but makes no food for you, or your DC, assuming they are still at home..?

He sounds like a bellend

bakereld · 28/10/2020 12:34

@IndiaMay

Tbh you've had 20 years off work with the financial support of your husband. If I wasnt working and my fiance was then yes I would expect to do all the cooking/cleaning/running of the home because that would be my role within the team. So you havent had a particularly hard time of it (presumably you chose this situation too? You could have gone to work and built up some savings?)

Now you are working "long days" (that 8am - 6pm would be my normal working day. Admittedly 5 days a week and not 6 which is tough but as you said it's only for a few weeks) . So now you are both working I would expect dinner to be split equally. YABU expecting that you should have dinner cooked for you everyday because you suddenly go to work. Perhaps your husband has got too comfortable over the years with having his dinner cooked for him, I dont think that makes him a terrible person as 20 years is a long time. It sounds like you have got to comfortable not working and see a normal working day as too arduous to contemplate cooking when you yet home. Think it's time for a sit down, a chat and maybe to get the slow cooker out and split some tasks between you.

Totally agree with this.

OP you don't work 'long days', that made me laugh out loud. You've been a SAHM for 20 years, without sounding harsh, you obviously aren't used to a usual working lifestyle are you.

Your husband has supported you financially for 20 years, please cut him a little bit of slack here. You need to sit down like adults and decide what you're doing with regards to evening meals.

You sound like a teenager, and I think you're being quite petty. Is it the end of the world of your husband hasn't cooked dinner? Annoying maybe, but I think you need to get a grip as he is still working full time too.

Cloudburstagain · 28/10/2020 12:38

What is petty is the DH only cooking for himself.

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