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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend her Dh is out of order

53 replies

autumnbus · 28/10/2020 09:11

I have 2 dc with asd and through the support centre I have a friend who herself has asd.
She has been telling me how her dh belittles her and I’m actually upset for her but she is saying it’s ‘understandable’

Couple of examples are :
Not wanting to go out to socialise he will say it’s ‘embarrassing’ he has to go alone and ‘embarrassing’ if she does go as she ‘doesn’t act like everyone else’
He was annoyed he had to take time off recently as they had workmen due to do building work and she needed him at home because she struggles with appointments and has the children to look after and he was angry that she can’t manage these things herself and ‘be normal’
That’s only a few examples of things she’s told me and it’s not fair is it ?
Feel like I should have a proper talk with her as I’d be devastated if my dds were ever treated this way

OP posts:
Brefugee · 28/10/2020 09:14

From his pov it must be really annoying to have an adult at home and still have to handle appointments.

He can't have it both ways with going out though - although i wonder how much she stands out and how much is him imagining it.

Was she like this when they married? or is it something that has come on since then. TBH i get her DH's point of view too, especially if she has relatively recently developed these anxieties.

Perhaps they need couples therapy?

Original poster
autumnbus · 28/10/2020 09:21

This is why she told me she feels it’s ‘understandable’ she thinks she is irritating him as feels she’s ‘worse’ recently since having dc

OP posts:
MakingShapes · 28/10/2020 09:22

Maybe he's on MN pretending to be female. I can't imagine a post where the OP says they had to take time off work because DH at home doesn't like doing appointments where the DH wouldn't be absolutely crucified to be honest.

grapewine · 28/10/2020 09:26

Probably won't make me popular but I agree with him here

He was annoyed he had to take time off recently as they had workmen due to do building work and she needed him at home because she struggles with appointments and has the children to look after and he was angry that she can’t manage these things

I'd be annoyed too.

Original poster
autumnbus · 28/10/2020 09:27

Well I suppose in that scenario if the dh was NT then it wouldn’t really be fair

OP posts:
Original poster
autumnbus · 28/10/2020 09:28

I feel bad for her though - do I talk to her next time she mentions something like this again ? I can see it hurts her but I don’t want to stick my nose in if it’s not my business

OP posts:
WeGoHigh · 28/10/2020 09:29

Did everyone miss the part where the OP said the friend has ASD? Appointments are clearly something she struggles with and if the husband can’t accept that he possibly shouldn’t be with her- he can’t ask her to change something she can’t help?

MakingShapes · 28/10/2020 09:50

@WeGoHigh

Did everyone miss the part where the OP said the friend has ASD? Appointments are clearly something she struggles with and if the husband can’t accept that he possibly shouldn’t be with her- he can’t ask her to change something she can’t help?
Did you miss the part where this changed AFTER they were together and married and had children? He didn't sign up for this. He's entitled to be annoyed that she's expecting him to do so much - no one on here would think it's acceptable if he were the one not doing basic things. Obviously she's struggling but we don't know the ins and outs of their relationship. She might not be trying, she might be making excuses - we simply have no idea of the context. OP would be beyond out of order to stick her nose in.
BertieBloopsMum · 28/10/2020 09:52

@autumnbus

I feel bad for her though - do I talk to her next time she mentions something like this again ? I can see it hurts her but I don’t want to stick my nose in if it’s not my business
I would offer sympathy and maybe some very general advice, but otherwise keep your nose out.

Nobody knows how somebody else's marriage works, especially when we're being told one side of it.

WorraLiberty · 28/10/2020 09:57

Nobody knows how somebody else's marriage works, especially when we're being told one side of it.

This ^^

I wouldn't give her any 'advice' unless she specifically asks for it. Just be there for her to sound off to.

Original poster
autumnbus · 28/10/2020 10:03

I think what’s got to me is having dc with asd and feeing like it’s could be them one day 😞so maybe I’m too ‘involved’ and need to take a step back - be there if she wants to offload but just listen

OP posts:
FuckingRidiculous · 28/10/2020 10:06

I can't imagine a post where the OP says they had to take time off work because DH at home doesn't like doing appointments where the DH wouldn't be absolutely crucified to be honest

Agreed.

SpeccyLime · 28/10/2020 10:09

Jesus Christ, this is low even for MN.

OP, yanbu - her husband is being a prick. She’s not just being difficult, she has a diagnosed neurological disorder which means she actually can’t ‘just be normal’ (whatever that means). Belittling someone because they have ASD and therefore require certain accommodations is just never an acceptable way to behave, and it’s incredibly typical of the stigma people with ASD face that blame is being laid at her door.

I don’t have ASD but I do have a fairly debilitating anxiety disorder, and do you know what my husband does when I don’t feel able to socialise? He supports me in a kind and loving way. That should be basic and normal, not some kind of gold standard. I can’t believe people are siding with the man calling his wife embarrassing and complaining that she can’t be normal because her ASD diagnosis is inconvenient to him.

RonObvious · 28/10/2020 10:12

@SpeccyLime

Jesus Christ, this is low even for MN.

OP, yanbu - her husband is being a prick. She’s not just being difficult, she has a diagnosed neurological disorder which means she actually can’t ‘just be normal’ (whatever that means). Belittling someone because they have ASD and therefore require certain accommodations is just never an acceptable way to behave, and it’s incredibly typical of the stigma people with ASD face that blame is being laid at her door.

I don’t have ASD but I do have a fairly debilitating anxiety disorder, and do you know what my husband does when I don’t feel able to socialise? He supports me in a kind and loving way. That should be basic and normal, not some kind of gold standard. I can’t believe people are siding with the man calling his wife embarrassing and complaining that she can’t be normal because her ASD diagnosis is inconvenient to him.

Completely agree with this.
DobbinReturns · 28/10/2020 10:19

YANBU

Some of these replies are awful. Did I miss the bit where the wife signed up to have a husband refuse to socialise with her? Is belittling your autistic spouse going to help them in anyway? Or could that impact on ability to deal with the workmen etc as she's been repeatedly told she's embarrassing and not normal.

darthbreakz · 28/10/2020 10:29

Assuming they had in fact met before getting married, presumably he knew about her ASD when they were dating (or was it an adult diagnosis?) Still, he married her as she is, so it's shitty to be having a problem with her now.

The embarrassed either way thing sounds abusive though. He's got her in a situation where she can't do anything to make him happy.

MadameMeursault · 28/10/2020 10:30

@SpeccyLime

Jesus Christ, this is low even for MN.

OP, yanbu - her husband is being a prick. She’s not just being difficult, she has a diagnosed neurological disorder which means she actually can’t ‘just be normal’ (whatever that means). Belittling someone because they have ASD and therefore require certain accommodations is just never an acceptable way to behave, and it’s incredibly typical of the stigma people with ASD face that blame is being laid at her door.

I don’t have ASD but I do have a fairly debilitating anxiety disorder, and do you know what my husband does when I don’t feel able to socialise? He supports me in a kind and loving way. That should be basic and normal, not some kind of gold standard. I can’t believe people are siding with the man calling his wife embarrassing and complaining that she can’t be normal because her ASD diagnosis is inconvenient to him.

Totally agree.
Wyntersdiary · 28/10/2020 10:34

Im on the fence, He is being unreasonable by saying anything but i understand the frustration.

I had a husband with severe anxiety, i have to make every phone call, go to every appointment, he cant go out without me, I deal with everything, He can hardly work as finds it diffiult being around other people when im not there and he doesnt Enjoy going out that much which means its a struggle gettting him to go to places.

He is so much better now after i worked very hard to make it easier for him BUT it was still a strugglebut then i never said anything because it wasnt his fault.

OverTheRubicon · 28/10/2020 10:37

Calling her embarrassing is awful. Women with ASD are at much higher risk of abuse - my DD is autistic and it's something i am very aware of. I'd listen to her and let her know what you would consider unacceptable, if she seems open you could point her to resources like women's aid that would let her read and think through for herself the status of her relationship.

That said, my stbxh is also autistic, and that, sadly, is why he is a stbxh. He is a wonderful man in so many ways but over the years has became more and more restricted by his anxieties and needs until it became like living in a prison that was all about him - he absolutely wouldn't have been able to deal with the workmen either.

From the outside he probably seems gentle and me bossy, but the reality is that he ended up handing more and more responsibility over because it was so stressful for him, and then getting scarily angry or having anxiety attacks if the DCs or I argued or were too noisy etc. It was abusive, though he is a kind person under it all and definitely never intended it that way. There could be an element of that for her DH too, you can't see the whole picture.

BestOfTimesBlurstOfTimes · 28/10/2020 10:37

@SpeccyLime

Jesus Christ, this is low even for MN.

OP, yanbu - her husband is being a prick. She’s not just being difficult, she has a diagnosed neurological disorder which means she actually can’t ‘just be normal’ (whatever that means). Belittling someone because they have ASD and therefore require certain accommodations is just never an acceptable way to behave, and it’s incredibly typical of the stigma people with ASD face that blame is being laid at her door.

I don’t have ASD but I do have a fairly debilitating anxiety disorder, and do you know what my husband does when I don’t feel able to socialise? He supports me in a kind and loving way. That should be basic and normal, not some kind of gold standard. I can’t believe people are siding with the man calling his wife embarrassing and complaining that she can’t be normal because her ASD diagnosis is inconvenient to him.

100% this.
Twistered · 28/10/2020 10:37

I'd say very little at this stage. Just be a sounding board, listen and support her.
It sounds a difficult situation for them both and without knowing the whole in and outs it maybe best to not become too involved

goldenharvest · 28/10/2020 10:37

I'd feel bad for her too, and it's clear her DH has no real understanding of what it is like to live with autism and feel empathy for the other person. From his point of view he didn't expect this level of being a carer for his wife (and presumably the children are on the spectrum?) so he's also had a raw deal from the relationship? No social life, taking on tasks he didn't think were necessary when he married? Did your friend have a late diagnosis?

She is clearly with the wrong person, but I suspect she understands not many men would feel this a fair relationship for many people. It would take someone very special the make this work. There is a regular thread of women married to men with ASD and the theme is pretty much how difficult it is.

Would your friend survive as a single mum if you encouraged her to leave?

Illberidingshotgun · 28/10/2020 10:38

From your description her "D"H is emotionally abusing her due to the fact that she is autistic. Belittling her, telling her that she is an embarrassment, telling her that she doesn't act like everyone else, angry that she needs some extra support around appointments.

He presumably knew that she was autistic when they married. I would hope that he educated himself enough to know that many autistic people can struggle is some social situations. That they may struggle with change, and when strangers are in the home environment. That they can sometimes struggle to manage appointments and juggle commitments.

Having DC can have a profound impact on many women, from the hormonal changes, to the sense of responsibility, change in personal identity etc. Whilst it can be wonderful, it can also be daunting and overwhelming, and that's for NT women.

Surely a loving partner would be supportive, and encourage that person to seek help from relevant professionals if they are struggling more than usual, or more anxious than usual. To belittle and get angry is simply abusive, and not the actions of a caring partner, however frustrated he may feel at times.

SarahAndQuack · 28/10/2020 10:40

I'm on the fence too.

I have dyslexia/dyspraxia, and there are some things I either can't do, or find really difficult - fairly basic things like reading the electricity metre or changing a tyre on DD's bike or programming the washing machine. So DP does them. I am aware that she does more than her fair share of stuff like this, and there's probably more that I don't even really think about because she just does it.

I also have depression, and a few months ago I had a bad patch and felt terrified of seeing people, so DP took over taking DD to nursery, which is usually my job as I work from home. Again, she didn't make a fuss about it.

I think both of those things are fair things to adjust to and I wouldn't want to be with someone who made nasty comments to me about things I really struggle to overcome. OTOH, I am grateful to my DP and I expect your friend is grateful to her DH.

He ought to try to work with himself to stop making the nasty comments, but (without hearing them or knowing quite how bad they are) I do see they might be a bit understandable.

jetadore · 28/10/2020 10:41

Even if the wife's behaviour has changed after getting married how is that justification? Husbands who complain about post baby weight gain would be justified then? Sounds like the dh attitude is contributing to the increased anxiety as well.