To tell friend her Dh is out of order

[autumnbus]

I have 2 dc with asd and through the support centre I have a friend who herself has asd.
She has been telling me how her dh belittles her and I’m actually upset for her but she is saying it’s ‘understandable’

Couple of examples are :
Not wanting to go out to socialise he will say it’s ‘embarrassing’ he has to go alone and ‘embarrassing’ if she does go as she ‘doesn’t act like everyone else’
He was annoyed he had to take time off recently as they had workmen due to do building work and she needed him at home because she struggles with appointments and has the children to look after and he was angry that she can’t manage these things herself and ‘be normal’
That’s only a few examples of things she’s told me and it’s not fair is it ?
Feel like I should have a proper talk with her as I’d be devastated if my dds were ever treated this way

This is the thing I think I’m coming from the parents perspective projecting how it could one day potentially be my dd in this situation
Do I have more patience as a parent ? So I can’t see it from her dh pov
I just really felt awful for her

The husband is abusive - name-calling and belittling are not acceptable.

of course its unacceptable for him to belittle her about 'being normal' - I'd tread wearily though, I'm assuming they've been together some time so he's a huge support for her, and perhaps they're having tough times now they've got small children and he's not handling it well at the moment. Wanting someone to 'be normal' isn't displaying brilliant social/relationship skills himself.

Life is so much busier with kids, it's hard to offer any spouse the same level of support they had pre kids and perhaps the sensible thing is to encourage her to seek more support elsewhere?

Whatever happens with the relationship it is a good idea for her to look at her overall support network (can you help each other on a reciprocal basis - you help her with appointments, she babysits for you now and again etc)?

Presumably he married his wife knowing that she struggles with certain things and should therefore accept her for the person she is. Just like she seems to accept him being a rude, ignorant, whinging arsehole who complains all the time that she embarrasses him.

I don’t know if or how you can tell your friend she shouldn’t put up with her husband being such a cunt- it’s not an easy thing to do. I say that as someone who’s been on both sides of that conversation. But you can help her gain self confidence and boost her self worth. Hopefully one day (sooner rather than later) she will see that she deserves to be treated better than she currently is.

I don’t think going in with ‘your husband is a twat’ is going to work. It sounds like your friend has very low self esteem so it needs building up. Slagging off the biggest constant in her life that she probably hangs onto for stability, which might not really be stability but is what she has learnt to think of as stability, is going to make her ignore what you’re saying and automatically jump on the defensive. Try to keep it positive about her, rather than negative about her H. If you dripfeed her positive messages about herself she’s more likely to take them on board and come to her own conclusions.

When I was in a controlling abusive relationship I had very low self esteem. I was constantly belittled and made to believe nobody would want to be my friend etc. The biggest game changer for me was being reminded by a friend that, I do have friends who care about me and who want to spend time with me, and the people who belittle me are not worth my time. She told me that I’m an interesting, intelligent and funny person, and maybe I do need some extra help with things (I have a disability) but the people who care about me and want to spend time with me will accept those things because, even if it can take a bit more effort on their part, they consider it to be worth it. If people don’t accept me for who I am or complain that I’m too much like hard work then they don’t really care about me and aren’t worth my time.

This had a huge impact on me because I’d never even considered that people would actually choose to spend time with me before. It’s something I like to hold on to, because it’s true, and because it helps me weed out the baduns.

It could be that having dc has used a lot of her headspace so where she would have been able to cope before dc she now cant. Could be sensory overload from the kids, unable to get quiet after to decompress and recover. That sort of thing. So it might not have been so obvious before, and that is no ones fault.

yes exactly that - more likely you get dumped than the friend, her H is her main constant. @whatisthisfuckery explained it well.

My dd that is under diagnosis has a series of boys as friends who treat her very badly (at primary level by telling her to go away, she's annoying, disgusting etc) and she loves them and tries to talk about them often. Instead of harping about how nasty these boys are to her, I point out and encourage the positive, reciprocal friendships.

The same friend also told me re the embarrassment thing: Anybody who embarrassed by you has their own issues. You are not embarrassing, you’re just a person, who like everybody else will not be to everybody’s taste, but the people to whom you are not their taste should not be blaming you for it, they should just choose not to spend time with you. People who choose to spend time with other people in order to bring them down are only doing it to make themselves feel better, because they feel embarrassed at themselves.

She asked me if I choose to spend time with people who I don’t like and who I feel embarrassed by. The answer to that question was very illuminating.

Jesus Christ, this is low even for MN.

OP, yanbu - her husband is being a prick. She’s not just being difficult, she has a diagnosed neurological disorder which means she actually can’t ‘just be normal’ (whatever that means). Belittling someone because they have ASD and therefore require certain accommodations is just never an acceptable way to behave, and it’s incredibly typical of the stigma people with ASD face that blame is being laid at her door.

I don’t have ASD but I do have a fairly debilitating anxiety disorder, and do you know what my husband does when I don’t feel able to socialise? He supports me in a kind and loving way. That should be basic and normal, not some kind of gold standard. I can’t believe people are siding with the man calling his wife embarrassing and complaining that she can’t be normal because her ASD diagnosis is inconvenient to him.

Completely agree. I do have an ASD diagnosis and my husband always books the day off work to deal with workmen at the house because unlike some posters he's not a dick and understands that I actually have a disability.

@autumnbus

This is why she told me she feels it’s ‘understandable’ she thinks she is irritating him as feels she’s ‘worse’ recently since having dc

It could be she's 'worse' or it could be he's just bullying her about it more. I don't even have ASD and my abusive ex used to call me 'embarrassing' when we went out with his friends. I'm not, and realise that now I've been away from him for years, but him saying it made me question every word I said and analyse every single action after the fact. The truth was he was just trying to keep me in my box as the (silent) trophy girl on his arm.

If he's constantly berating her about being embarrassing it could well become a vicious circle.

x post with a bunch of PPs. That'll teach me to write a post while eating my breakfast

Hang on, all these people saying "it changed later in their relationship, he's within his rights to be annoyed"...what if she'd lost a leg? Or was diagnosed as chronically ill? Does that give him the right to be pissed off that he needs to help her after those things?

As far as I'm aware if you marry someone, you're in it in sickness and in health, not mild illness that is tolerable but no more than that and health.

Jesus Christ

Marriage is a partnership, right?
Her husband sounds like a nasty prick.

Make sure your DD's have good self esteem, love and support them. Its all you can do. Fingers crossed they marry someone kinder.

Also, remember you are just getting a snapshot - he might be a fantastic lover, do his fair share of housework, run her bubble baths and buy flowers every week but get annoyed about going out and appointments.

I'm guessing that her dh is struggling with her having asd, perhaps not admitting it. My exh is likely to be on the spectrum (no diagnosis back then) and dd is and yes I got frustrated he wouldn't come along to things and make small talk, that he was obsessed with things and ignored family life to pursue them, that he wouldn't answer the phone or make calls, I had to handle nearly all life admin stuff and still do things despite getting divorced. It's hard and at times you can think, just be normal! But mostly everything was fine, I think eventually we just wanted different things though. I really understand but in the moment frustration can lead you to be less than empathetic I admit

Jesus Christ what happened to "for better or for worse" or am I just living in la-la land?

His behaviour is clearly upsetting her, and she needs support and love from you. I don’t think there’s anything wrong in saying that him saying these things is not ok.

The situation is extremely difficult, especially if this is something that has recently become worse for her. I have empathy for both sides—if this is mainly recent, then he didn’t expect to have to be a carer to wife and children while also trying to earn an income, and I can understand why he is upset about needing to take time off work for something that until recently he would have no questions about her handling.

She needs love and support, but it sounds unfortunately like their marriage might not have much of a future if he’s feeling like it would be as easy to do everything himself. Has she been getting help for this, and dealing with her health issues really throughly? I think this makes the world of difference to how sympathetic a spouse is.

Christ. Replace autism with any physical disability and then justify some of these answers

Fucking hell

@Greysparkles

Christ. Replace autism with any physical disability and then justify some of these answers

Fucking hell

Totally agree. I don’t have ASD but my son does. I would be both heartbroken and angry if he ended up in a relationship with someone who treated him the way this man is treating his wife.

Why the fuck did he marry her if he finds her such an embarrassment. He sounds a prick for belittling his wife instead of supporting her, but unless she specifically asks your opinion it really is not your place to voice them.

"she thinks she is irritating him as feels she’s ‘worse’ recently since having dc"

He's abusive and he's ramped it up now she's vulnerable.

Be honest with her.

Some of these aspects of being autistic are hard. She says shes worse since she had children. Thats normal. As the intensity of responsibilities gets higher and the stress levels increase, the problematic sides of autism become worse.
Belittling her rather than supporting her will be counterproductive for a start and also cruel.
She needs to develop strategies though or outsource help, and he needs to stop being a dick about it.

Yes absolutely - you don't need to excuse horrible behaviour to understand that it's very hard to provide the same or higher spousal support when dc are in the picture. They clearly need to get more support and then she needs to think about her dh.

You need to stay out.

It could easily have been ore children she behaved differently or he has become frustrated, yes of course he should be more understanding with her autism but real life says sometimes we get frustrated or annoyed when things build up on us and add stress. Is it right, no. Is it human yes, I’m sure also she’s not giving you the full picture maybe just sounding off.

Don’t be doing a real life ltb.

It sounds like her behaviour has changed significantly since having children. That's understandable because it will take all her energy and focus to take care of them and anything on top of that is too much for her.

From his perspective, it must be extremely frustrating. She probably presented more functional before children as her focus would have been on the issues that she currently has no ability to cope with. He isn't at fault for failing to predict that she wouldn't be able to cope and he would have to become a carer.

I don't know how to judge his "embarrassing" comments as we don't know how her behaviour expresses when she's anxious or unfocused in social situations.

I'd be encouraging her to get help to develop her coping skills and rebuild her confidence. They both need help dealing with this.

Do I have more patience as a parent ? So I can’t see it from her dh pov

I don't think it's the same as when it's your children it's different, they rely on you for everything. However, presumably he married her knowing what her ASD traits are? He should jot be mocking her for not being normal, whatever normal is.

Whilst I sympathize with him if he has to manage all appointments, he shouldn't use it as a stick her to beat her with, especially as she has the kids all day every day.