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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that it's my job to remember the birthdays of DH's family members?

74 replies

JoshandJamie · 15/10/2007 10:14

Tomorrow is DH's sister's birthday. It's my sister's birthday the day after. I remembered my sisters and got her a card and have sent it off in good time as she lives abroad. However, I just looked at the calendar and realised that it's DH's sister's birthday tomorrow and I've completely forgotten it (but then again I didn't grow up with her and barely see her now so why would I remember it). And I know DH would completely forget it. So now in my already ridiculously busy day, I'm going to need to dash out, get a card, come up with something scintillating to say and post it (which means a trip to the post office as I have no stamps).

Why is this my job?

OP posts:
MaryAnnSingletomb · 15/10/2007 10:15

it just is,I'm afraid - same here !

DoctorFrankenSquonk · 15/10/2007 10:17

god, this drives me mad!

dp once went into a real strop with me because I hadn't sent a birthday card to the mother of his childhood best friend!

fgs!

And he says things like "you'd have remembered if it was your family" well, yeah! and?

muppetgirl · 15/10/2007 10:17

At the risk of sounding rude

Who made it your job??

Possibly you?

In our house dh does his family and I do mine. If he forgets, he forgets. (And he does everytinme)

Not my problem.

muppetgirl · 15/10/2007 10:19

I am a nice person really

But I was getting fed up with remembering everything...

DoctorFrankenSquonk · 15/10/2007 10:20

and thank you cards... my family doesn't "do" thank you cards, we do thank you phone calls instead.

dp's family however, always expect a card from the littlies - why doesn't HE do them with them? grr

PeachesMcLean · 15/10/2007 10:20

Agree with muppetgirl. If DH isn't bothered, why should you be? Unless you particularly want to send her a card of course.
If you do the reemmbering, DH will rely on you to do it next time. Vicious circle?

muppetgirl · 15/10/2007 10:23

What you could do is have a birthday box -my grandomother did this- where she kept different ages birthday cards in. You could put stamps in too and say 'it's all there, all you have to do is write and post'.

sockmonkey · 15/10/2007 10:25

DH forgot to get his mum a 60th Birthday card, and she was really upset. I do the cards now, cos I can't bear the guilt.
He only has his mum & sister to remember too...I have 3 brothers, 3 sisters, 15 nieces & nephews. sigh.

Original poster
JoshandJamie · 15/10/2007 10:25

I guess I do it because they send us cards/gifts for our kids and I feel we should send them back. But I take care of my family, I don't see why DH can't take care of his (he only has one mother and one sister). I have a mother, father, stepmother, stepfather, 2 sisters, 2 half brothers, two neices and 2 brothers in law.

OP posts:
MaryAnnSingletomb · 15/10/2007 10:26

I do it because I can't bear the thought of missing anyone's birthday and besides,I do quite like choosing or making cards

sockmonkey · 15/10/2007 10:27

(and I wonder why I never get a birthday card, mothers day card, valentines....)

Original poster
JoshandJamie · 15/10/2007 10:31

just adding to my rant - this is what annoys me about men. They think they are so busy because they're at work and therefore deal with work and possibly some of the household bits like paying bills or mowing the lawn.

But EVERYTHING else is left up to the women to deal with. I run my own business so work to. But it's also my job to make sure the kids get to the doctors for jabs, that I look at schools to send children to, that I arrange childcare, that I remember birthdays and buy all presents, that I arrange all social aspects of our life, that I read up about and book holidays, that I handle all new elements of childhood development e.g potty training, or thinking, gosh, he's old enough to ride a bike, let's get him one.

As I once heard, men leave the house and go into work mode. Women leave the house and are mentally rummaging in their larder cupboad thinking what they can make for supper tonight as they're driving the kids to school singing the wheels on the bus before starting work.

I've ranted about this before but just felt the need to rant again.

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 15/10/2007 10:35

These things are your jobs because you LET them be. No way would DW let me just go to work and not be involved in everything else.

Nag him til he does it.

PeachesMcLean · 15/10/2007 10:37

Well I've never heard a man suggest nagging!!!

Your first line is absolutely spot on though HD.

Original poster
JoshandJamie · 15/10/2007 10:38

But happydaddy, nagging then becomes another thing on my to do list. At least if I just do these things, I know that they're done and I can mentally tick them off. If I leave it up to him, they won't happen and then I have even more things going through my brain as the list gets longer and longer.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 15/10/2007 10:39

Totally agree, JoshandJamie, about women never mentally switching off from the minutiae of family life, even if they hold jobs like their partners. rant away ...

On the issue of sending cards to in-laws, I just let dh get on with it. I don't even send cards to my own family, lol.

But my SIL said something that was quite telling. My dh's brother is godparent to my dd. And dh's brother always forgets to send a card or present for dd's birthday (not that I care too much). But SIL once berated dh's brother's (her brother as well) wife for not remembering dd's birthday - is that too complicated? In other words, SIL was not blaming her brother for forgetting his godchild's birthday, she was blaming his wife as if she was responsible for all the card sending lalarky, even though dd is not her side of the family.

Gosh that was too complicated. Forget it.

PeachesMcLean · 15/10/2007 10:42

LOL at nagging becoming another thing to do.

I can see your point about women juggling much more than men do. But we need to be careful not to just take on too much. I'm very carefully not doing as much these days, it's great and DH is slowly taking more responsibility.

erniesmama · 15/10/2007 10:43

I've decided not to send cards on DH's behalf anymore -- and I feel free!

The turning point was when after forgetting one of our many nephew's birthdays (who is in his 20s,btw) my MIL gave ME a list of all the family birthdays so I wouldn't forget again!!! Made me feel like a 1950s secretary!! The worm turned ...

Original poster
JoshandJamie · 15/10/2007 10:48

Blueshoes and Erniesmum - that is part of the reason I do it. Because for some old fashioned, completely outdated idea, it is expected that the wife will do these things. My DH is godfather to two children. He singularly fails to remember their birthdays or indeed his own friends birthdays.

Similarly, four of his friends are godfathers to our children, yet it's never the men that send the cards, it's always their wives. And in fact one of them just forgot DS's birthday, and instead of the godfather apologising, the wife called saying: oh I'm so sorry I forgot, I was just so busy. I wanted to say: doesn't matter hun, you're not godparent. Your husband is. You didn't forget. He did.

OP posts:
oggsfrog · 15/10/2007 10:51

Am I alone in thinking that dh's family, are by extension my family also?

PeachesMcLean · 15/10/2007 10:53

Only if your DH sends cards to your family. does it work both ways?

Original poster
JoshandJamie · 15/10/2007 10:54

exactly peaches!

OP posts:
Rach35 · 15/10/2007 10:59

Suggest you point him in the direction of a website called moonpig - he can put in reminder dates and then make the cards (there are 1000s to choose from). He may enjoy that techy side of things. He can then get on with the responsibility of making the cards.... I suggest you look at it as well as it is just fantastic!

McIntyre · 15/10/2007 11:29

Hmm. You are not alone.
I got in trouble for not sending my SIL a birthday card... she knows that I'm the one that sends all cards in the household so she called my DH and complained... A bit cheeky since she wouldn't know the date of my birthday to save her life and I had just had a baby. Anyhoo, there is no point in being a martyr - I started it, so now it's 'what I do' - If I were to do it over, I would never send a birthday card again

MaureenMLove · 15/10/2007 11:36

My dh has finally learnt that its up to him to remember his families birthday. He doesn't remember or do anything about my family, so why should I bother with his? I would say though, if his family would remember and be interested in my or dd's birthday, I might be more accommodating! His mothers birthday is the same day as my mothers too, so he has no excuse to forget!