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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that it's my job to remember the birthdays of DH's family members?

74 replies

JoshandJamie · 15/10/2007 10:14

Tomorrow is DH's sister's birthday. It's my sister's birthday the day after. I remembered my sisters and got her a card and have sent it off in good time as she lives abroad. However, I just looked at the calendar and realised that it's DH's sister's birthday tomorrow and I've completely forgotten it (but then again I didn't grow up with her and barely see her now so why would I remember it). And I know DH would completely forget it. So now in my already ridiculously busy day, I'm going to need to dash out, get a card, come up with something scintillating to say and post it (which means a trip to the post office as I have no stamps).

Why is this my job?

OP posts:
LittleMissTroubled · 15/10/2007 11:38

my ex dp (the 'd' doesnt stand for darling anymore btw)still expected me to buy a b'day card for his mother from ds when it was her b'day last Friday! I informed him when he came to pick ds up on saturday that he better make a trip to the shops on the way home (he lives with his mother and she would be expecting her card from dg when he arrived at her house) and made it quite clear its not my job anymore!

CantSleepWontSleep · 15/10/2007 11:39

Order one from somewhere like Moonpig. You can put in your own message, and they will post it today if you get your order in before 2pm. All without leaving your computer! (Yes it's a bit more expensive, but worth it to save the trip out as well.)

mrsmarvel · 15/10/2007 11:43

I've never done my dp's cards, but he never has either. He's always late or forgets. His family don't like it because they think I should do it and it's grist for the mill. I don't like it because I feel guilty. But over time, he's got together with his mummy's boy brother, who would never live it down not to remember said mummy's birthday. So it kind of works, he's latched onto someone else to depend on to do his stuff for him. But equally, I'm not happy with it because it doesn't make us seem united as a couple.

I would also add that I think if his family showed more interest in me and the dc's I would make more effort, I may be more flexible on this.

Original poster
JoshandJamie · 15/10/2007 11:46

I sent an email to DH and said: it's your sisters birthday tomorrow - do you have time to go get her a card and post it? And he didn't reply to my email so I called him and he said (rather resignedly): yes, I am going out to get one.

Maybe I'm being petty here, but it would have been nice I think for him to say: thanks for the reminder. Or, thank goodness one of us remembered. Or even completely over the top: how would I survive without you my darling wife?

But no. At least he's doing it. Small mercies and all that. Maybe I'd be more willing to do these things if they were more appreciated. (just doing some self therapy here)

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 15/10/2007 12:03

If HE doesn't care, why should you? If you know they'll be upset, let them have a go at DH.

Or he'll never change.

Original poster
JoshandJamie · 15/10/2007 12:07

He does care and he wouldn't like to not send them anything. But he relies on me to either do it or remind him to do it.

If cards weren't sent, it would be perceived as me being a bad wife rather than him being a bad brother/son - which is the most unfair part of it.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 15/10/2007 12:09

No your are not. But you are being daft actually doing it . DH was like this but we've reached a compromise. I do Christmas - with the proviso that he has no right to moan about anything that I buy - but birthdays are his responsibility. I can't be doing with remembering all those dates - my family is quite enough.

fluffyanimal · 15/10/2007 12:11

DH and I have a compromise. I am keeper of dates - everything important is written in my diary. If I remember, I'll remind DH of a family birthday. But he knows that his responsibility is to ask "When's my sister's birthday again?" and then to do his own card-buying.

laura032004 · 15/10/2007 12:17

I don't mind sending a card to my MIL, who I like, but don't bother sending one to FIL (they are divorced btw). I have a calendar with dates on, DH is duly reminded several times (including whilst at supermarket), if he then chooses not to sort it out, it's his problem! Luckily he's an only child, so that's all he has to remember!

TellusMater · 15/10/2007 12:19

I do it because I'm better at remembering these things. He keeps my car topped up with oil and checks the tyres - he's better at remembering those things...

bossybritches · 15/10/2007 12:23

I found this wonderful company called squashed-tomato.co.uk they do packs of really nice cards & you can get several types. If you really want to keep your stocks up, you can set up a regular payment& they can send you a pack every quarter! I've done a years subscription for my mum as a prezzy. A good percentage of the money goes to a selction of charities too & you get to choose the beneficiary!

alittleone2 · 15/10/2007 12:41

Message withdrawn

minesalargeone · 15/10/2007 13:01

I'm lucky...I don't have this problem.

My DH fell out with his parents years ago - they can't stand me and I have little/no time for them. They are not the slightest bit interested in our kids and have not sent a card for birthdays or Christmas for the last 3-4 years. My DH fell out with his parents because his father called me a COW for standing up for what I believed in and telling him where to get off. (long story).

Since then dh has not spoken to his parents for over a year and they have not seen us or our kids for 3yrs.

Am I bothered? Nope. It makes life a lot easier having nothing to do with them (their choice)...although I'm sure they'd argue the point and say I've turned them away etc etc which is not the case.

I cut my ties with his family and in order to keep his marriage going and keep a happy family my dh (ie me, him and the kids) has done the same.

cmotdibbler · 15/10/2007 13:03

We have a birthday book from Lakeland that has pockets for each month to put cards in, and space to write all the birthdays in, as well as a big pocket for new baby/wedding/home cards. I'll remind DH once about birthdays (on the principle that he would never buy any member of my family as card), but thats it. The ILs can bitch all they like, and I just do the 'oh, did DH forget something ?'line. I don't write or buy his christmas cards either.

minesalargeone · 15/10/2007 13:07

I hate to sound a really miserable old fart but I don't even bother with Christmas cards anymore - they hit the shops once the kids go back to school in September and they absolutely bore me to tears writing the little buggers out....I donate what it'd normally cost me in cards to a local child's hospice that accommodates terminally ill children and their families.

Anna8888 · 15/10/2007 13:14

You do not have to do this job for your partner. He should be doing it himself for his family IMO - unless he does something of equivalent value for you and you have jointly decided in a conscious, rational way that that is your fair division of labour in your family.

muppetgirl · 15/10/2007 13:20

I totally agree J + J
That's why I gave up work as I just couldn't cope with my job and ds who I organised around my work day. Dh just got up, showered and went to work.

I'm not ashamed to say I couldn;t manage and why should I make myself ill trying? I'm not wonderwoman...

We have pink jobs/blue jobs in our house (mine/his) and this has helped but I really do have to tell him what I'd like him to do rather than me hope he 'sees' as he wouldn;t 'see' anything needed doing!

My dh forgot his sisters 30th, mothers 60th but I also feel he has 2 sisters who don't remind him of anything and they never have.

We only have neices and nephews on my side but I would comprimise on that if the sisters were to have any chuildren as I feel it's not the kids fault their uncle would be crap at remembering their birthdays.

Kitsilano · 15/10/2007 13:30

I'm another one who doesn't do this - even though I know my DH will forget his family most of the time. I also don't buy Christmas presents for his family. It's not my job, he managed (or didn't) before I came along. I do sometimes feel bad that he forgets but I am responsible for enough household stuff.

rebelmum1 · 15/10/2007 13:31

The first year my dp and I got together his parents didn't get any card or present for christmas They were mortified, we never heard the end of it - so i ended up inviting them over the following xmas - don't give a hoot about bdays though - definitely dp's responsibility. Funny though that it's an unsaid rule about the women sending the stuff and being organised. I have since noticed that all my bday and kids birthday gifts have been sent by my SIL! A full-time hospital consultant with 2 kids under 3..

Beenleigh · 15/10/2007 13:32

JandJ, I really sympathise, I have what sounds like exactly the same situation. If I forget the card, then they don;t get sent, and if that happens, then his whole family think it's my fault and not his. Prior to our being married, I don't think he even bothered to send any cards, but now his family expect them, and know it's my job. Vicious circle.
Glad you've had some success with your oh, I occasionally have same with mine, but on the whole, know it's my responsibility. Grrrrr

rebelmum1 · 15/10/2007 13:33

MIL's been quite horrid this year so she might just get pegs for xmas!

LazyLinePUMPKINJane · 15/10/2007 13:35

But you are all family now. Not his family and your family, you are all one family. It really doesn't matter who gets the cards, but only YOU make it your job. If you care about how it looks if there isn't a card sent, then buy one. But then you are buying one because of your feelings, not because he couldn't be bothered.

rebelmum1 · 15/10/2007 13:37

Indeed. But I don't expect dp to remember my families bdays and know what to buy them..

rebelmum1 · 15/10/2007 13:39

It shouldn't default to the woman to do should it?

WeeWitchyWilkie · 15/10/2007 13:40

Same here.

I forgot his mum's birthday apparently. Twas totally my fault. He has the inability to remember.

He then blamed me on the phone to his mother