To think I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it?

[sparklesloth]

Have two small DC. DH is very lazy with housework and the kids. None of the suggestions of 'stop doing his washing' or 'leave him with the kids and go out for the day' work. It just causes an argument and nothing changes. He's also rude and moans a lot, not all the time but enough to do my flipping head in. I've spoken to him many many times and he says he will change but doesn't.

I could leave obviously but I'd have to rent a small flat, rely on benefits and still have to do it all anyway. What's the point? At least he contributes a wage. He has such a good work ethic and my family all think he's god's gift to men, I never predicted he would be such a lazy father.

My DP tries this all the time.. I have actually completely stopped doing his washing now and he left it until he had literally no clean clothes and the pile of his dirty washing took up a lot of room, I ignored him whenever he mentioned tye washing and he eventually started doing his own washing because he knows now I just don't entertain the idea of me having to do it all, all the time. I haven't done his washing now for ages because I know as soon as I start doing it again he'll stop doing his. I have enough washing with just my own and the DC. Sometimes you have to just play them at their own game but not to spite yourself. Just leave his stuff and ignore his when he mentions the washing.
Washing up is something we argue about but I just go on and on and on and on until he does it and he's now started doing it randomly just so I won't start an argument.
Sometimes I prefer to do the cleaning because I know I'll do a better job

Sorry if I'm wrong but I'm assuming you're unemployed from your post? Can you make a longer term plan to leave and gain employment first? Being dependent on a partner causes all sorts of problems. I've been a single parent, it's hard but it's so much easier than being with an utter cunt.

Get a job would be my first piece of advice. Withdraw all services, including sex, but the key surely is to do it long term. It’s pointless caving after a row or leaving it for a week. Just stop doing a thing for him, permanently.

He contributes a wage because presumably that was the deal, he works, you support and allow him to do that by raising your dc and staying at home. Change the dynamic, get a job! Why should you be a lone parent whilst with a partner?!

Can you make a longer term plan to leave and gain employment first? Being dependent on a partner causes all sorts of problems
Exactly this op.
Even if it took a year or two..its still better than living with his crap permanently.

One thing I don't agree with though is turning sex into a service within a relationship as above. It should be a mutual enjoyment. Never a trade.

Yes why rely on benefits
There is only one solution which is get back to work . It’s a long game but you have nothing to lose
From getting yourself working and employable
Remember they won’t be this small forever

He has such a good work ethic

He can work because you're doing everything else!

Do you work? Why does not doing his washing cause an argument? I mean I get why, but what's his argument? Just stop doing it, he will do it eventually.

Do you still love him, OP?

I have a bit of a problem with your children being set a bad example about how work is distributed at home, but otherwise, if you love him, crack on, it is your marriage and your life.

He sounds like a total fun sponge and a lazy, selfish pig to boot.

As to making your bed so you have to lie in it - for now maybe, but look on it as a quick nap, not a Rip Van Winkle sleep marathon.

You can get out of this, and things will be better in the future. If you're not happy, don't make the mistake of thinking that because you can't change things overnight there's no point trying.

What's the point?

Creating a healthy environment for your children
Preserving your sanity
You won't be picking up after him and dealing with his aggro, toxic environment, being knocked down
Your children deserve better
You deserve better

Why chuck your life and future in the dustbin unnecessarily?

If your kids are pre school wait till they are in school and go back to work. He would have to pay child support. If you did not earn a lot you could top up with benefits.

teaching youre kids that your there to serve your man

getting some self respect?

hes got a job and bring in the money wooppee give him a knighthood

Sorry your going through this. I agree with playing the long game on this and don’t argue with him about it.
Just stop doing anything which only benefits him. If he wants it that much he will do it himself.

@user147425843578

What's the point?

Creating a healthy environment for your children
Preserving your sanity
You won't be picking up after him and dealing with his aggro, toxic environment, being knocked down
Your children deserve better
You deserve better

Why chuck your life and future in the dustbin unnecessarily?

This.

Was he this bad with the first or was it just since the second? It amazes me how many men are this lazy once they have kids. I'm not doubting you at all op I see it on here and in real life all the time.

I've just lowered my standards with regards to housework. He doesn't see the muck so now neither do I. I cba getting worked up about it really. I've stopped offering to do stuff, because as I've learnt he'll say yes every time, so I let him come to the conclusion that he has to do it.

We've also started doing a list of shit that needs doing - he seems to have improved since seeing it all written down.

If I was a SAHM (not sure if you are or not) I could possibly put up with the lack of help around the house. But the rudeness and moaning would be a deal-breaker for me. It’s not a good atmosphere to bring up your DCs in, and although it would be tough if you left I’m sure you would be happier in the long term.

I did all the wifework when dd were small and allowed DH to focus on his career. Went back part time then fulltime. DH carried on working his socks off and I picked up more house stuff and our mutual input was equal.

DH paid the school fees, paid of the mortgage, bought our 2nd home but only because I facilitated it because we were a team. and he was never rude and paid the cleaner willingly

Agree with @WaterOffADucksCrack

Don’t use sex as some leverage. If a woman comes on here and says her husband is withholding sex unless she does xyz there would be cries of coercion. Sex is not a favour or bargaining chip, and never should be.

If you don’t want to have sex, fine. Don’t. But please don’t follow the previous poster’s advice that you withhold it as some perverse punishment.

You need to get back to work and find an exit strategy. I understand it’s difficult now and will seem daunting and will take time and thought.

But this is the rest of your life you are talking about, How are you going to feel sacrificing the next 20 years of your life to take the path of least resistance to be dependent on someone who doesn’t respect you.

Life is too short. For you and your children.

Why has everyone assumed that OP doesn’t work?

@CurlyhairedAssassin

Why has everyone assumed that OP doesn’t work?

Presumably because she said if she left she'd have to rely on benefits but yes of course she could be working but not earning enough to pay rent elsewhere if she left.

Agree that they won't be small forever. Get back into work, or retrain now. Once you are working employ a cleaner from the family pot so that you aren't doing all the drudge work. Depending on him financially has created an imbalance of power. Get it back.

You need to plan on getting work and child care then you can leave and you won't have the stress of him again.

I think unless in the long term you want to spilt up or continue being his housemaid then you need to be stronger and firmer (unless you want to split up, in which case start preparing now).

Give him the illusion of choice. Do you want to wash up or vacuum? Are you taking the kids to the park this morning or this afternoon? And stop doing his washing, another poster has great tips about that. The him you aren't doing at, and that this is his warning. Make him responsible for at least 1 evening meal and 1 weekend lunch every week. If he doesn't make it you and the kids can have beans on toast or something out of the freezer and leave him to himself. Take up a hobby that gets you out of the house or just meet up with a friend once a week, give him chance to parent alone. On a friday drop the idea that on Saturday or Sunday you're going out as a family, either for a walk or something a bit more special, make time for it each week (or even just movie night) and make it clear it's none negotiable, and during that time phones are on silent and in pockets.
Maybe even make up a chore chart - suggest if he acts like a teenagers then you'll treat him like one. Get the kids involved, give everyone their own chores even if for the kids it's just cleaning their room and putting away clean clothes. As they get older than can obviously do more but start early otherwise you'll be in a house full of people like your husband.