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Original poster

Can I get over being cheated on

65 replies

Mum87652 · 26/10/2020 17:19

Hi, my husband cheated on me a couple of years ago (was speaking to someone online and planning to meet) whilst I feel I have got over it I still feel bitter about it and like I'm the only one that got still hurts over it. He has changed for the better and our marriage is almost perfect except for this. Is this normal? Can I ever fully move on?

OP posts:
coffeelover3 · 26/10/2020 17:22

only you can answer that:) The fact that you're asking the question indicates to me you may have some doubts. Personally I don't know if I could ever trust him again, the relationship may be irrevocably damaged. Don't feel guilty - he did it, its not your fault that you cant forget it. Maybe you need to 'dig deep' and ask yourself some hard questions?

Original poster
Mum87652 · 26/10/2020 17:27

I do have doubts as I find myself wondering why he would hurt me like that and even though he has explained over and and over I still can't understand it. We have had our problems but things are really good now except for the fact I feel bitter and angry over what he did

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/10/2020 17:28

Many people cheat and they're not particularly unhappy... It's just the lure of the new... With someone that you don't have to have the tiresome day to day life with....

flaviaritt · 26/10/2020 17:30

It would always hurt me, tbh. I might forgive him but the pain would always be there.

AnyFucker · 26/10/2020 17:31

You haven't "got over" it at all

And why would you ?

Ellabella989 · 26/10/2020 17:32

I couldn’t forgive that. I would likely try to for a while but it would keep rearing its ugly head and causing me to get angry and resentful with him

Original poster
Mum87652 · 26/10/2020 17:32

He never met them, there was 2 at the same time, I spoke to them and they did tell me this so I know it's true. That's what I'm thinking, it has been a couple of years and it still seems to hurt. Surely I should be over it by now

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 26/10/2020 17:33

How did you find out about it? What stopped them meeting?

Original poster
Mum87652 · 26/10/2020 17:34

Well it doesn't hurt, I just seem bitter over it like I say, I'm snappy with him and hot and cold.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2020 17:34

Of course you're not over it. You can't trust him.

Mytimetokillandmaim · 26/10/2020 17:35

I just started crying reading that as i know how you feel.
My partner never physically cheated but he did the online thing an planned to do it at one point. This was 3 years ago but it still hits me like a tonne of bricks sometimes. Hes sitting beside me now and I'm telling him how it still really hurts .

Sometimes I can go months without thinking about it...then itll suddenly hit me. It's the betrayal. The embarrassment of ''was I not enough,was I not attractive enough ''

We too moved passed it and hes a lovely person but it's still hurts sometimes. My advice would be to talk about it every time you think about it. If hes truly loving he will listen without getting angry or defensive.
Of course it makes my partner feel terrible if I bring it up but he understands that he caused this pain and it's only right for him to help me with it and...share in it,if you like.

I really hope you can talk to your partner about it whenever you need to.
Ignoring it only makes you resent him and feel low.Flowers

Original poster
Mum87652 · 26/10/2020 17:35

I found the messages on his phone. He never wanted to meet them.

OP posts:
TenShortStories · 26/10/2020 17:37

There's no requirement for you to get over being cheated on. You still feel sore because it was a rotten thing to happen, and you're allowed to still be feeling that now.

Very occasionally there are circumstances that make it a forgivable /understandable offence, but 99% of the time I think it's because the person is just a cheater by nature, or because the relationship was already over in everything but name.

The question is, what do you want to happen next?

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 26/10/2020 17:38

You won't get over it. It will always be there. You can forgive but not forget. All you can do is try and process the hurt and as pp said, most of the people I know have cheated have not been particularly unhappy (until they rewrite history) and its just new and exciting.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2020 17:38

First you said he was planning to meet them, now you say he never wanted to. Which is it? Not that it matters, honestly.

Original poster
Mum87652 · 26/10/2020 17:38

@Mytimetokillandmaim

I just started crying reading that as i know how you feel. My partner never physically cheated but he did the online thing an planned to do it at one point. This was 3 years ago but it still hits me like a tonne of bricks sometimes. Hes sitting beside me now and I'm telling him how it still really hurts .

Sometimes I can go months without thinking about it...then itll suddenly hit me. It's the betrayal. The embarrassment of ''was I not enough,was I not attractive enough ''

We too moved passed it and hes a lovely person but it's still hurts sometimes. My advice would be to talk about it every time you think about it. If hes truly loving he will listen without getting angry or defensive.
Of course it makes my partner feel terrible if I bring it up but he understands that he caused this pain and it's only right for him to help me with it and...share in it,if you like.

I really hope you can talk to your partner about it whenever you need to.
Ignoring it only makes you resent him and feel low.Flowers

I am sorry to upset you but also feel relieved in a way as what you have said is exactly the same way as i feel. Do you feel bitter and angry?
OP posts:
Original poster
Mum87652 · 26/10/2020 17:42

@Aquamarine1029

First you said he was planning to meet them, now you say he never wanted to. Which is it? Not that it matters, honestly.
He made them think he was going to meet them, planned it but let one down at the last minute several times. Another he had her address, I found out about this one several months later but he never went as he didn't want to actually meet anyone in person. She did confirm that he didn't meet her, they both did
OP posts:
Original poster
Mum87652 · 26/10/2020 17:44

@TenShortStories

There's no requirement for you to get over being cheated on. You still feel sore because it was a rotten thing to happen, and you're allowed to still be feeling that now.

Very occasionally there are circumstances that make it a forgivable /understandable offence, but 99% of the time I think it's because the person is just a cheater by nature, or because the relationship was already over in everything but name.

The question is, what do you want to happen next?

I want to move forward without feeling bitter and angry towards him. Things are ok and then I will just be angry with him
OP posts:
TheAdventuresoftheWishingChair · 26/10/2020 17:44

Honest answer? No, I don't think you can ever get over it. Not fully. How could you? It just depends on what you want to do about those feelings.

Mytimetokillandmaim · 26/10/2020 17:57

Mum87652 3 years on I dont feel bitter or angry anymore. I just feel sad and tearful sometimes whenI think about it.

As soon as he was able to sit with himself and listen to me talk about it no matter how many times I needed to....my anger went away.
Because if I brought it up before....it was just to snap at him and be angry and he'd get defensive and tell me it was in the past...which made me angrier.

Now he sits and cries with me....as he just did now. ☹ I know he's truly sorry and wouldn't think to do it again, he gets as upset as me now because he sees now how stupid it was and how much grief it caused. He never even thought at the time it could have had this effect. He went to counselling about it and still goes now every other week.

Maybe its something I will always bring up..every now and again.
But we deal with it together and never get angry. I hope the same for you op. X Flowers

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 26/10/2020 17:58

It'd be over for me, sorry xx

caringcarer · 26/10/2020 18:02

When my first dh cheated on me I showed him the door and divorced him even though he begged me not to. I have now been remarried for 15 years. If my.dh cheated on me I would divorce him too. I had.no choice as I knew I could never have sex with.him again. Only you know if you want to continue in your marriage.

Original poster
Mum87652 · 26/10/2020 18:04

@Mytimetokillandmaim

Mum87652 3 years on I dont feel bitter or angry anymore. I just feel sad and tearful sometimes whenI think about it.

As soon as he was able to sit with himself and listen to me talk about it no matter how many times I needed to....my anger went away.
Because if I brought it up before....it was just to snap at him and be angry and he'd get defensive and tell me it was in the past...which made me angrier.

Now he sits and cries with me....as he just did now. ☹ I know he's truly sorry and wouldn't think to do it again, he gets as upset as me now because he sees now how stupid it was and how much grief it caused. He never even thought at the time it could have had this effect. He went to counselling about it and still goes now every other week.

Maybe its something I will always bring up..every now and again.
But we deal with it together and never get angry. I hope the same for you op. X Flowers

Maybe that's the point we need to get to, if I bring it up he seems to think I do it just to hold something against him. I think he is really sorry but he would rather not talk about it (He is like this with all problems,not just this)
OP posts:
Turtleturtle81 · 26/10/2020 18:05

It’s always there. My husband (now ex) cheated on me, we decided to stay together and go to counselling sessions with Relate.

He did it again.

8 years later I’m happy in a new relationship with a child on the way. I still occasionally wake up crying after having bad nightmares about what happened. I still talk about how it has impacted my self esteem with my therapist. I’m over him but I’m not over what he did to me.

Mytimetokillandmaim · 26/10/2020 18:11

Maybe that's the point we need to get to, if I bring it up he seems to think I do it just to hold something against him. I think he is really sorry but he would rather not talk about it (He is like this with all problems,not just this)

well then you're living exactly what I was living. He absolutely needs to get to that point with you.

Could you maybe show him this thread?
Explain that it's not being brought up to make him feel like shit.....its not even about him for a moment.
It's about you and what you're feeling.

You had no hand in making yourself feel like this. It is definitely his job to do whatever you need to feel loved,listened to and supported.

You did so much already by trying to forgive and move on. It's his time to do something now.

Maybe others have different experiences but our stories are so similar I feel you need to get to the point where he puts his own shame aside..in order to help you as you have gone through a lot emotionally..in order to stay with him. Iyswim?