Page 3 | Can I get over being cheated on

Mum87652 · 2020-10-26T17:19:59+00:00

Hi, my husband cheated on me a couple of years ago (was speaking to someone online and planning to meet) whilst I feel I have got over it I still feel bitter about it and like I'm the only one that got still hurts over it. He has changed for the better and our marriage is almost perfect except for this. Is this normal? Can I ever fully move on?

PurpleWave · 26/10/2020 19:28

I've had a similar situation, and as someone that is quite a few more years on down the line from you, I can tell you that you never get completely over it.

I sometimes think it would have been easier to have left, and if it was my daughter I was speaking to I would advise leaving now as the chances are that it won't turn out well.

We're still together (happily) and he is a better person BUT I will never trust him or anyone 100% as that innocence has gone now. I've often thought that I could trust him completely with my life but not my heart. That's why people that cheat piss me off so much, there are so many repercussions that they never think or care about.

All in all, I'm glad I didn't leave, we now have a happy family with 3 lovely kids and he would do anything for us.
So I deal with it and when it rears its ugly head, which it does occasionally, then I wallow for a while and try to move on, until the next time. It's my cross to bear I suppose as I made the choice to stay.

And by the way, even though it sounds bleak when laid out like that, I now go for months without thinking about it, so it's not as if I'm sitting here sad about it every day.

LyingDogsLie1 · 26/10/2020 19:31

It’s difficult to judge not having been in that position, I would definitely struggle to forgive my husband and move on, but I’m almost certain I’d want to. I know I want to spend my life with him. I can’t imagine ever having said that years ago or before I met him. BUT I haven’t experienced it and have no doubt it would be incredibly painful and incredibly hard to overcome.

Have you had any counselling OP? Maybe couples counselling might help you to work through your feelings and make sense of things.

Original poster

Mum87652 · 26/10/2020 19:39

@TenShortStories

It think it's normal that you feel like this. He cheated for no real reason - that leaves you on really insecure ground because you've learned that he is capable of doing such things just because. I think you would feel differently if, say, his brother had died suddenly and his mental health crashed, and these messages happened during that time.

So I'd say your anger is matched to the situation. Do you know if he has cheated in other relationships in his life? If he has, I would want to know how many.

I was his first proper relationship

OP posts:

Mytimetokillandmaim · 26/10/2020 19:50

I was his first proper relationship same here op! We were mid- late 20s when we got together. He'd never had a real girlfriend. Just a silly 2 month one.. in his teens.
He thinks thats part of his foolish mistake. He never really knew what it was like to be in an adult relationship. He feels this added to it as he never really experimented much and didn't realise the severity of what he was doing in the moment. He has since grown up.

The6thQueen · 26/10/2020 21:43

@Mum87652 have pm’d you

Mrssmith2016 · 26/10/2020 21:45

4 years down the line for DH cheating, most of the time I'm fine but definitely still have moments of anger about it. We have the pleasure of all working in the same building so when I see her about (not often but it happens) that's my trigger, in those moments I could just explode at the frustration I'm right back where I was when I first found out....but it passes. We had individual counselling, he's changed it seems and time will tell if he does it again. 😞 desperately wish I never had these feelings, think of it daily and still wonder if staying was the easiest thing after all. It's a very lonely, confusing place to be to wonder should I be over it? Why aren't I over it? Is it my fault I'm not?

Original poster

Mum87652 · 27/10/2020 19:29

@Mrssmith2016

4 years down the line for DH cheating, most of the time I'm fine but definitely still have moments of anger about it. We have the pleasure of all working in the same building so when I see her about (not often but it happens) that's my trigger, in those moments I could just explode at the frustration I'm right back where I was when I first found out....but it passes. We had individual counselling, he's changed it seems and time will tell if he does it again. 😞 desperately wish I never had these feelings, think of it daily and still wonder if staying was the easiest thing after all. It's a very lonely, confusing place to be to wonder should I be over it? Why aren't I over it? Is it my fault I'm not?

That must be hard! I feel I should be over it by now, Its hard to explain how I feel! Although I feel like I have accepted what he did I still feel angry about it! I just thought two years later I wouldn't be angry about it anymore!

OP posts:

Silentplikebath · 27/10/2020 19:47

My DH had a similar situation with his ex. He could never get over it because the marriage was too damaged once the trust was gone. Have you had counselling either together or individually? It’s ok to admit to him that you aren’t happy because of what happened and you are having serious doubts about whether you will ever be ok about it.

Original poster

Mum87652 · 27/10/2020 20:26

@Silentplikebath

My DH had a similar situation with his ex. He could never get over it because the marriage was too damaged once the trust was gone. Have you had counselling either together or individually? It’s ok to admit to him that you aren’t happy because of what happened and you are having serious doubts about whether you will ever be ok about it.

We had counselling together but she more or less blamed me for not giving him enough attention. I have told him I'm not happy but he thinks with time we can get past it, but I thought I would be at that point by now if I was going to get to it

OP posts:

Mrssmith2016 · 28/10/2020 16:25

I have considered further counselling but am so sick of talking about it and don't want to keep picking at the scab! Personally, as I decided to stay I need to fully enter into the relationship again, make the decision to believe it will be fine and hope the feeling follows. Otherwise I'm wasting what could be time spent being a happy family waiting for something that might never happen...

Katrinawaves · 28/10/2020 16:54

@Mrssmith2016 it’s just so hard to do. My partner is still having weekly counselling alongside our couples counselling and he swears he understands himself better and would never cheat again having seen the devastation that he has wrought on the whole family. And I truly want to believe him and we can sometimes go through a couple of weeks of pleasant family life. But then the tears and the anxieties return to plague me. I never ever believed I’d be where I am today and at times I still can’t quite fathom it. I just never saw it coming.

ViciousJackdaw · 28/10/2020 17:48

I wasn't married to this man but he cheated and I eventually ended it. I couldn't be doing with spending all my time being angry and mistrusting. There's more to life than that and as a pp said, it's a miserable way to live.

If I was able to have done my shouting, boxed everything up, never to be mentioned again then maybe I'd have stayed. The merry-go-round of it all though, the constant talking about it, the crying, the anger and the lack of trust just wasn't worth it. I deserved a better life than that, one full of laughter, not hand wringing.

Mrssmith2016 · 28/10/2020 19:47

@Katrinawaves can absolutely relate to every word you said. A large part of me really does believe he has fundamentally changed and won't do it again. He says he knows why he acted in that way and now understands his triggers and is able to put boundaries in place so it won't happen again. The angry outbursts are far less than they were a few years ago, I'm left with more a feeling of disappointment,and frustration that it will forever be part of our tapestry

SurreyHillsGirl · 28/10/2020 20:29

YANBU. I could not and would not want to remain married to a man who had betrayed me. He wouldn't be the wonderful, loving and kind person I thought he was.

I would honestly be so disgusted in him that his life would be even more of a misery than mine, being married to a faithless twat. I have informed him of this and he knows the score

FlyingByTheSeatof · 28/10/2020 23:00

Sounds like you're both wasting time with each other.

You for no longer trusting him and him for putting up with your constant nagging about something that didnt even properly happen 2 years ago.

I personally just coudn't be bothered with a relationship like this although the last few months will have heightened emotions somewhat.