Can I get over being cheated on

[Mum87652]

Hi, my husband cheated on me a couple of years ago (was speaking to someone online and planning to meet) whilst I feel I have got over it I still feel bitter about it and like I'm the only one that got still hurts over it. He has changed for the better and our marriage is almost perfect except for this. Is this normal? Can I ever fully move on?

Personally I would never be able to get over it. I might be able to get over the anger and feel indifference towards him but I couldn’t forgive or forget.

It’s fundamentally speaks to his character that he made all these plans behind your back (with two women!) presumably to boast his ego, and then let them down as well as you. Now, he obviously feels you have had enough time to get over it like it’s up to him to make that decision. Fancies himself quite the catch, doesn’t he?

He needs to understand this is about you now. He has to deal with it and let you speak. And stop thinking about his own feelings. Yes he must feel so horribly ashamed but you need to reach a point where you can trust each other with the worst feelings and thoughts in your mind.

He has to get over himself and help you.

I had a very similar experience. In the end i saught therapy, found a wonderful counsellor who helped me work through my anger and resentment. My intention in going to therapy was to figure out if i could get past it, and if i couldn't, to manage my own feelings during a separation.

In the end, it really helped me to understand the anger i was feeling, to address it with DH, and ultimately figure out if/how to get past it.

Couples counseling did nothing for us, but those individual sessions, just for me, made all the difference. Can honestly say that i'm sure we would have split without it, and that i'm so pleased now (years later) that we didn't.

@Mytimetokillandmaim

Maybe that's the point we need to get to, if I bring it up he seems to think I do it just to hold something against him. I think he is really sorry but he would rather not talk about it (He is like this with all problems,not just this)

well then you're living exactly what I was living. He absolutely needs to get to that point with you.

Could you maybe show him this thread?
Explain that it's not being brought up to make him feel like shit.....its not even about him for a moment.
It's about you and what you're feeling.

You had no hand in making yourself feel like this. It is definitely his job to do whatever you need to feel loved,listened to and supported.

You did so much already by trying to forgive and move on. It's his time to do something now.

Maybe others have different experiences but our stories are so similar I feel you need to get to the point where he puts his own shame aside..in order to help you as you have gone through a lot emotionally..in order to stay with him. Iyswim?

They are very similar which is why I keep on replying to you, although I feel bad as I didn't mean to upset you. Yes I may show him. I have said that I'm thinking about splitting up with him as I can't go on feeling angry and bitter (just with him) and It also feels unfair as at the times I lash out he doesn't even deserve it as like I said he has changed alot and if it wasn't for that things would be almost perfect.

He has explained why he did it several times but I still can't understand why as I would never do something like that. When I still ask him now he thinks I'm trying to catch him out and says it will never change. I said to him the other day that it wasn't fair that he didn't ever have to think about it and that the other women probably didn't either (one of them knew about me) it seems like I'm the only one still paying the price.

He has explained why he did it several times but I still can't understand why as I would never do something like that.

We were just talking about it again now and he feels like he was a completely different person then( he was) who never even stopped to think about why he was doing what he was doing. I dont think he and I will ever have a reason Why.

But he went through that whole phase of telling me I just needed to trust him,getting annoyed because I was paranoid...checking his phone...I'm not proud of that but I would lay awake waiting for him to fall asleep...my stomach in knots,shaking,hoping I could get to his phone to check it did no good.

Please dont feel bad for upsetting me,I would have thought about it again eventually. And the fact I was sitting beside him whilst reading your post....meant we had another talk about it and he said he had forgotten to check up on me about it the last couple of months and was more than willing to sit there listening to my frustrations. We do feel closer because we can talk about the most painful aspects of our relationship now...with no anger. We cry,we hug,he listens...

I’m one year post discovery now and although we are still together it’s still very raw. I asked our couples counsellor how anyone ever gets over it and how long it takes and her answer was that it’s like a bereavement. You don’t ever get over it, it always has the capacity to hurt and will sneak up on you at times but the goal is to build enough good elements back into the marriage so that the hurt is only one part of the whole. Which it sounds like you have done.

The sad thing is that even if you (and I) left the marriage, we’d take that hurt with us 😢

it seems like I'm the only one still paying the price
Yes that does seem like the case op. He cant keep running away from it.
He needs to share in the hurt..the shame, the embarrassment. You will never be able to deal with it if he pushes it aside. Do show him this thread op. X

@Mytimetokillandmaim

He has explained why he did it several times but I still can't understand why as I would never do something like that.

We were just talking about it again now and he feels like he was a completely different person then( he was) who never even stopped to think about why he was doing what he was doing. I dont think he and I will ever have a reason Why.

But he went through that whole phase of telling me I just needed to trust him,getting annoyed because I was paranoid...checking his phone...I'm not proud of that but I would lay awake waiting for him to fall asleep...my stomach in knots,shaking,hoping I could get to his phone to check it did no good.

Please dont feel bad for upsetting me,I would have thought about it again eventually. And the fact I was sitting beside him whilst reading your post....meant we had another talk about it and he said he had forgotten to check up on me about it the last couple of months and was more than willing to sit there listening to my frustrations. We do feel closer because we can talk about the most painful aspects of our relationship now...with no anger. We cry,we hug,he listens...

What changed and made him realise that he just need to listen to you rather than getting annoyed?

@Katrinawaves

I’m one year post discovery now and although we are still together it’s still very raw. I asked our couples counsellor how anyone ever gets over it and how long it takes and her answer was that it’s like a bereavement. You don’t ever get over it, it always has the capacity to hurt and will sneak up on you at times but the goal is to build enough good elements back into the marriage so that the hurt is only one part of the whole. Which it sounds like you have done.

The sad thing is that even if you (and I) left the marriage, we’d take that hurt with us 😢

I am about 2 years but that seems long enough, and as I said I don't feel like I did at the start but I still feel bitter and angry, I wouldn't have thought I would still feel like that now.

Katrinawaves
Couldn't have put it better myself. Great post Katrina.

What changed and made him realise that he just need to listen to you rather than getting annoyed?

I've just asked him and he said counselling was the first step. He spoke to his counseller a lot about it. He also spoke to my Male best friend about it. He told people .
It made him less able to escape it. He had to be faced with it and understand the impact it had on me. As his feelings of shame were so much to deal with,he couldn't bring himself to even imagine how I really felt.

Your husband cannot sweet this under the carpet. This is where a lot of your resentment will come from.

Its had a huge impact on you . If you both really want this marriage to work,you have tonsleak about it. He has to listen. Even if you bring it up and get upset about it frequently...he needs to feel that too. And completely accept that this is big. And he needs to do a lot. And listen, a lot.
Would he consider counselling?even over the phone?

To speak about it *

Maybe that's the point we need to get to, if I bring it up he seems to think I do it just to hold something against him. I think he is really sorry but he would rather not talk about it (He is like this with all problems,not just this)

He doesn't really want to talk about any problems that come up in your relationship and thinks you bringing up your pain over past cheating to have something to hold over him?

I'm sorry to say this, but he sounds as though he has a really immature attitude towards relationships and conflict resolution. And someone who avoids discussing and resolving their problems is exactly the kind of person who drifts into an affair .

I know you say you want to move forward without feeling bitter and angry any more. but how is that going to happen without anything changing? You've tried hard, you've given it time - what has he done?

By the way, I don't feel angry any more about my DH cheating, but that's because I left him when the penny dropped that a) he couldn't be trusted and b) he really just wanted to brush in under the rug and move on regardless of whether that was right for me yet. I'm not telling you to leave him, but you do need to establish what you are prepared to live with feeling like in case nothing that you're feeling ever gets better.

@Mytimetokillandmaim

To speak about it *

Would you mind if I messaged you?

The only couple I know who got over the betrayal well and truly was where she went to have a one night stand with someone. Not a great way but, I think, it evened the score for her and she could move on. I don't think she was looking for it, but when the opportunity presented itself she just went with it. I don't think her husband ever found out and they are still happy together.

Personally, I don't think it's something you can get over.

Once you've been cheated on, you carry that around - whether you stay with your OH or you start a new relationship with someone else. It's a bit like split ends - once you see them you always see split ends. Once you've been cheated on, you always know it's a possibility.

That unconditional trust is forever gone - your current partner, regardless of whether he's the cheater, becomes someone who has to earn your trust. You no longer just give it.

It doesn't have to be the end of a relationship because someone earning trust isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean you expect more.

I wouldn't forgive and move on with someone who cheated on me, but that's your call. In my experience, a man who cheats always cheats again (not necessarily in the same relationship sometimes a future one) - those kinds of disrespectful, toxic behaviours are highly embedded.

I guess... what were the circumstances? Could they happen again? Does he understand how much he hurt you and why? Do you believe him when he says it wouldn't do it again? Those are questions you have to work through.

My partner never spoke about his feelings or showed too much emotion....but he has done a complete 180 in 3 years. He talks now,he cries (more than me sometimes)

People can change. Most don't.....but the ones who do,have put in a lot of work and done a lot of soul searching.

@TenShortStories

Maybe that's the point we need to get to, if I bring it up he seems to think I do it just to hold something against him. I think he is really sorry but he would rather not talk about it (He is like this with all problems,not just this)

He doesn't really want to talk about any problems that come up in your relationship and thinks you bringing up your pain over past cheating to have something to hold over him?

I'm sorry to say this, but he sounds as though he has a really immature attitude towards relationships and conflict resolution. And someone who avoids discussing and resolving their problems is exactly the kind of person who drifts into an affair .

I know you say you want to move forward without feeling bitter and angry any more. but how is that going to happen without anything changing? You've tried hard, you've given it time - what has he done?

By the way, I don't feel angry any more about my DH cheating, but that's because I left him when the penny dropped that a) he couldn't be trusted and b) he really just wanted to brush in under the rug and move on regardless of whether that was right for me yet. I'm not telling you to leave him, but you do need to establish what you are prepared to live with feeling like in case nothing that you're feeling ever gets better.

He puts a lot more into the marriage than he used to, he makes more effort. I am not prepared to carry on like this, I have told him that but I don't know if no matter what he did I would always feel like this, is this a normal response to being cheated on or am I just someone who can't move past the anger and bitterness, should I have moved past that now?!?!

I thought it might be helpful to have someone who has got over something like this. My DH and I had been together since our teens. We got married when we were early 20's. Two years into our marriage I found out my DH was having an affair. I think it had been going on for about 3 months. I was heartbroken and just couldn't get my head around why he would betray me. We had grown up together. Knew each other inside out. I tormented myself.

I spent probably 5 years grieving. I would think I was getting over it and then something would happen to remind me and I would be back to square one. I often thought of leaving him but I couldn't remember a life before him. We had counselling which did help.

We have now been married for 36 years and hand on heart I know he has never done it again. I do occasionally think about it when I see something on tv but I can honestly say it doesn't hurt now. I'm pleased I stayed because we have gone on to have a happy, successful marriage.

It is hard, I can't lie, but if you are both committed to the marriage you can get through it.

It's good hes putting more effort in op.

I do think he needs to do more and get over his feelings...in favour of yours.
Show him the thread anyway and bring up the possibility of counselling. At least Two of us on this thread have had positive experiences with counselling.
Either as a couple or him by himself at first . I've never needed to go to couples counselling as after he had spoken about it with other people .. he found it much easier to speak to me and listen to me.

It think it's normal that you feel like this. He cheated for no real reason - that leaves you on really insecure ground because you've learned that he is capable of doing such things just because. I think you would feel differently if, say, his brother had died suddenly and his mental health crashed, and these messages happened during that time.

So I'd say your anger is matched to the situation. Do you know if he has cheated in other relationships in his life? If he has, I would want to know how many.

It would be (and has been) a deal breaker for me, personally. Once that trust has been abused it’s never the same again. I’d have always felt like there was a grain of doubt and mistrust and that’s a miserable way to live.

Mum87652

Mytimetokillandmaim

To speak about it

Would you mind if I messaged you?

I just saw this now op. Absolutely PM me for anything you'd like to talk about!