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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU asking family not to hold the baby so much

56 replies

ChristmasIsCancelled2020 · 25/10/2020 12:47

We are in a support bubble with DP's mum as she is a single parent with kids under 18.

We visit around 3 times per week. Dd is 10 weeks old and from the moment we arrive someone will grab the baby out of her car seat and she is passed around until we leave. This means baby is asleep for the majority of the day on people's laps. So when it comes to the night she doesn't want to sleep. I'm having a nightmare getting her to sleep because she's not as tired as she normally would be. When I'm at home I don't constantly cuddle the baby. She is normally in her rocker or in her moses basket, because I don't want her to cry to be held constantly.

AIBU to ask that DP's family not cuddle her for the entire visit. I feel horrible asking, because I know they're excited to see dd, but I'm struggling with sleep deprivation.

OP posts:
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 25/10/2020 12:49

YANBU but the number of visits seems a bit excessive. 3 whole days every week?

FlitterMouse · 25/10/2020 12:50

Does she sleep when she's in her basket or rocker anyway.

2pinkginsplease · 25/10/2020 12:50

You are her mum and if you don’t want her passed around everyone then you need to speak up. I didn’t with Ds, I did with dd.

You need to do what makes your life easier.

Lilybet1980 · 25/10/2020 12:56

I hate to tell you this, but it’s more than likely her sleep will be shit/unpredictable at this stage no matter what you do!

I wasn’t so bothered about the sleep thing, but I was wary of the DC getting used to being held constantly.

WombatStewForTea · 25/10/2020 13:01

Well for a start you can't spoil a baby by holding them too much ffs

Porcupineinwaiting · 25/10/2020 13:05

Or you could let them hold her but ask them to interact with her to try and keep her awake?

Original poster
ChristmasIsCancelled2020 · 25/10/2020 13:06

@SeasonallySnowyPeasant some days will be for a few hours. Others for majority of the day. It varies, but not 3 entire days usually.

@FlitterMouse she will sleep in them but she also has awake periods. Majority of the time at DP's mum's she will only wake up for a feed really.

@Lilybet1980 I know we're not guaranteed to have great nights every night but she seems to sleep more during the day if she's being cuddled constantly.

OP posts:
catpoooffender · 25/10/2020 13:07

She's only 10 weeks old but you're not holding her most of the time so she doesn't cry to be held? I'd rethink that approach if I were you. Read up on the 4th trimester.

Original poster
ChristmasIsCancelled2020 · 25/10/2020 13:08

@WombatStewForTea she is held, just not all the time at home. The main issue is she sleeps the whole time.

@Porcupineinwaiting I can definitely give that a try and see whether it makes any difference.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/10/2020 13:10

Can you take the play mat round or have a chair there? You have every right just to say “we’re trying a new routine to be a bit more active”....

Original poster
ChristmasIsCancelled2020 · 25/10/2020 13:11

@catpoooffender If I'm in the same room, she will occasionally cry to be held and I'll do that. But she will happily spend some time in her rocker or moses basket. I'll speak to her whilst she is sitting and as long as she's happy I'll leave her there for a little while. I'll definitely look at the fourth trimester, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasIsCancelled2020 · 25/10/2020 13:12

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I could give that a try.

OP posts:
Tiersforfears · 25/10/2020 13:15

At 10 weeks that shouldn’t effect her sleep. Babies at that age sleep all day usually anyway and then feed all night, but as others have said your the mum your rules but for the record I think your being PFB.

HelloMissus · 25/10/2020 13:20

Babies love to be held. It’s their thing.
Unfortunately sleep is not their thing.
Honestly, I’d just take all the offers you can get to do the holding and have a kip.

Original poster
ChristmasIsCancelled2020 · 25/10/2020 13:22

@Tiersforfears I was prepared to hear that. Maybe I am BU, just wanted others views.

OP posts:
catpoooffender · 25/10/2020 13:30

@HelloMissus

Babies love to be held. It’s their thing. Unfortunately sleep is not their thing. Honestly, I’d just take all the offers you can get to do the holding and have a kip.
I think this is right. Ultimately newborns will sleep a lot in the day and like to be cuddled however you approach it. And you may look back in the future and wish you'd cuddled her more. I don't mean that in a depressing way, I just mean that they're tiny for such a short time, you'll miss it when she's bigger and wanting to run around all the time! Plus if you do read about the fourth trimester you'll see that it's totally natural to hold your baby pretty much constantly for the first few months. I don't say you should actually hold her constantly, but it's lovely that there are enough family members around that she can be cuddled all the time.
confusedx3 · 25/10/2020 13:33

my DD was always being held at that age, unless me and her dad were both sleeping then she went in her next2me crib.

I get the exhaustion but a 10 week old is going to be random with sleep regardless. best thing you can do if you're knackered is nap during the day when baby does or sleep when the other family members are holding baby. I used to nap at multiple members of my families homes including my MIL. it's not ideal but it's a way to get extra hours in and push through the rest of the day/night.

Lilybet1980 · 25/10/2020 13:38

@ChristmasIsCancelled2020 I think it was around 10 weeks that DC2 just decided they didn’t want to be held as much anyway. It was about the time they started to enjoy kicking about in their baby gym or hanging out actively playing with the toys on the bouncy chair. They’d grizzle if held for too long awake. So hopefully you will find that this starts to sort itself out anyway and you’re probably not too far off a more structured napping routine as well.

catpoooffender · 25/10/2020 13:43

Also, I feel a bit sick when I recall the sleep deprivation, so I do understand your desire to minimise it!

OverTheRainbow88 · 25/10/2020 13:44

If you go that regularly it may be worth buying a couple of extra things to keep at DP‘s mums house- like a rocker etc.

EmeraldShamrock · 25/10/2020 13:48

I wouldn't be allowing anyone but household members hold a baby so young these days.
Are her DC in school mixing with others.

Rosebel · 25/10/2020 13:55

My baby is older (4 months) and loves cuddles. When he was 10 weeks he often used to fall asleep while being cuddled, as he's getting a bit older it varies now. Sometimes he sleeps and sometimes he wants to interact.
I would be guided by your baby, she'll only sleep as long as she's tired. Although as others have said your baby, your rules. I would be honest. Just say she's sleeping too much in the day and your trying to keep her awake a bit more

Tissueboxcover · 25/10/2020 14:01

Is everyone who is holding her isolating from others outside the bubble?
Not going out/socialising/going to work?

thetangleteaser · 25/10/2020 14:03

Honestly I understand the sleep deprivation aspect but I think you’re over thinking it! I literally had my baby in a sling or she was cuddled for the first few months of her life. She’s now 10 months and plays so well independently, she’s not needy at all (sometimes I actually wish she was😂). They are only little for so long, try not to get yourself too worked up about it, maybe take a play mat to lay her on and say you’ve been recommended it by the health visitor or something

livefornaps · 25/10/2020 14:04

Oh bloody hell, they're being nice and showing an interest. Ask them not to touch her, fine, but don't go asking for any other help. No one's actually as fascinated as you think.