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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU asking family not to hold the baby so much

56 replies

ChristmasIsCancelled2020 · 25/10/2020 12:47

We are in a support bubble with DP's mum as she is a single parent with kids under 18.

We visit around 3 times per week. Dd is 10 weeks old and from the moment we arrive someone will grab the baby out of her car seat and she is passed around until we leave. This means baby is asleep for the majority of the day on people's laps. So when it comes to the night she doesn't want to sleep. I'm having a nightmare getting her to sleep because she's not as tired as she normally would be. When I'm at home I don't constantly cuddle the baby. She is normally in her rocker or in her moses basket, because I don't want her to cry to be held constantly.

AIBU to ask that DP's family not cuddle her for the entire visit. I feel horrible asking, because I know they're excited to see dd, but I'm struggling with sleep deprivation.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasIsCancelled2020 · 25/10/2020 14:10

@catpoooffender I have had a read and makes sense. Completely different perspective to how I was looking at things.

To those who are asking about family members going to work/school. DP's mum does not work, both children are older teens and are in college and secondary school but are limiting contact with others where possible. It's not ideal but DP's mum is vulnerable.

OP posts:
JenniferSantoro · 25/10/2020 14:11

Why aren’t you snoozing in the day when the baby sleeps. It could be weeks before she’s sleeping through the night, so I’d take every opportunity to rest when you can.

Original poster
ChristmasIsCancelled2020 · 25/10/2020 14:39

@JenniferSantoro I try to, but find it very difficult to sleep. But I do just relax whilst she is napping. She has slept through a couple of times and on a good night will wake once.

Thank you all for your comments. Will definitely take them all on board.

OP posts:
catpoooffender · 25/10/2020 15:37

[quote ChristmasIsCancelled2020]@catpoooffender I have had a read and makes sense. Completely different perspective to how I was looking at things.

To those who are asking about family members going to work/school. DP's mum does not work, both children are older teens and are in college and secondary school but are limiting contact with others where possible. It's not ideal but DP's mum is vulnerable.[/quote]
As the old cliche goes, they don't come with a manual unfortunately! I don't know about you, but I found that a lot of the stuff I thought I knew about babies went out of the window when mine was born. Some of it because I was just wrong, but a lot of it was down to the fact that my brain just wasn't functioning properly due to all the hormones and lack of sleep. But i found it started to get easier somewhere around the 8-12 week point.

Original poster
ChristmasIsCancelled2020 · 25/10/2020 16:25

@catpoooffender they definitely do not. Smile

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 25/10/2020 16:41

She’s your baby, OP. If you don’t want her held, feel free to say so.

Greeneyes78 · 25/10/2020 16:48

Op I know it seems daunting asking them but once it’s done you’ll feel so relieved and it won’t have been half as bad as you thought.

Could you text it if it makes you feel more comfortable?

I’m could you maybe say ok every gets a five minute cuddle?

Be brave FlowersGin

Imworthit · 25/10/2020 17:04

@flaviaritt

She’s your baby, OP. If you don’t want her held, feel free to say so.
But be prepared for them to take it badly. My SIL was paranoid because she lost twins and so was really ott about anyone touching the baby. As a result I just don't have the connection I would have hoped for with my first neice. Its really heartbreaking. My sisters feel the same. I'm not even sure she knows who I am 😭
Imworthit · 25/10/2020 17:09

I really hope we can bond as she gets bigger but what was once a very close relationship with my SIL is ruined. I know it was post natal depression but it really hurts and I still feel so resentful that she took that away from me.

BackforGood · 25/10/2020 17:15

If you have people queing up to hold her for three days a week, then you should be going up to lie on someone's bed and sleeping for at least some of those hours. How wonderful to be able to cancel out the sleep deprivation that way Smile

majesticallyawkward · 25/10/2020 17:36

A baby that young is over stimulated easily and they cope with that by going to sleep. She is in a different place with more people, presumably at least some making a fuss of her which is very stimulating for her.

When she's in her rocker or Moses basket do you do things with her? Play, sing songs etc? Tiny babies sleep a lot during the day and often not so much at night, but do well with small amounts of activities (books, toys, lights, play mat, songs- there are lots of ideas to be found) between naps and feeds, perhaps take something with you for her so your in-laws can play with her rather than just sit and cuddle?

You can't spoil a baby so I wouldn't worry about her being held, and you can't make them sleep when you want them to (as much as that would be nice! I've had 2 nocturnal babies, sleep deprivation is a killer).

catpoooffender · 25/10/2020 19:09

@Imworthit

I really hope we can bond as she gets bigger but what was once a very close relationship with my SIL is ruined. I know it was post natal depression but it really hurts and I still feel so resentful that she took that away from me.
It's not about you though is it? She lost twins but you resent her for not letting you hold her baby?
flaviaritt · 25/10/2020 19:29

Imworthit

You’re resentful over her PND? What a shame.

DaisyDreaming · 25/10/2020 19:36

@Imworthit why has it ruined your relationship with her? It’s only natural her instinct to protect would be so high after losing twins, she hasn’t taken away your chance at a relationship you have the child’s whole life time to form that

NoAngel1 · 25/10/2020 19:47

OP you sound lovely, as though you’ve taken all of PPs comments onboard. It’s hard with a 10 week old isn’t it? You’re just finding your way and don’t always feel in control when it comes to asking family members to do things a certain way.
I kept my baby in a sling/next to me crib and breastfed, so she was close to me almost all of the time, but she has grown into a very independent toddler. I don’t think being cuddled a lot will make her more demanding.
I’d say, let her be cuddled because this newborn period is so short and she won’t tolerate it forever!

BGDino · 25/10/2020 20:14

With my DD 3 months I'm happy for family to hold her and if she falls asleep then so be it, but I insist that she's not passed back and forth like a football as that makes her very unsettled after. Have to admit I'm enjoying the baby cuddles - I lost DS at 18 weeks pregnant so never got the chance to have cuddles with him. SIL in particular loves holding DD when she visits each week (she's broody for one of her own Smile) - I'm very happy and use it as a bit of respite! Mind you she always waits for me to offer and never presumes.

eatthatbueno · 25/10/2020 20:32

@Imworthit

I really hope we can bond as she gets bigger but what was once a very close relationship with my SIL is ruined. I know it was post natal depression but it really hurts and I still feel so resentful that she took that away from me.
She's not your child. Your SIL didn't take anything away from you, she's the mother and you're not entitled to anything.
JenniferSantoro · 25/10/2020 20:42

@catpoooffender

Also, I feel a bit sick when I recall the sleep deprivation, so I do understand your desire to minimise it!
Where you feel giddy or drunk with the tiredness😫 It makes me shudder to think of it now. You’re doing a fab job OP. 💐
catpoooffender · 25/10/2020 21:25

@JenniferSantoro there is a piece of music on YouTube we used to play to get DS to sleep when he was tiny. I would put it on and pray I would get maybe 30-60 minutes sleep. I can't listen to it now because it takes me back to that time. I found the first two weeks in particular so incredibly hard.

Notanotherwooname · 25/10/2020 21:35

Social distancing- they shouldn’t be holding her at all should they?

Imworthit · 25/10/2020 22:50

Didn't say my resentment was good, just being honest. If you couldn't see your neice you'd feel hurt too. It's not like I'd ever tell her how sad it made me. Treat her any different. She doesn't need to know how much I cried about it but I still get you feel however I do. Telling me I'm unreasonable doesn't stop it hurting.

foxyroxyyy · 25/10/2020 22:53

@WombatStewForTea

Well for a start you can't spoil a baby by holding them too much ffs
Exactly.

Babies need cuddles and warmth. Ask your health visitor KMT

Imworthit · 25/10/2020 22:58

Honesty your all pretty nasty. In tears here.

Womencanlift · 25/10/2020 23:00

@Imworthit

I really hope we can bond as she gets bigger but what was once a very close relationship with my SIL is ruined. I know it was post natal depression but it really hurts and I still feel so resentful that she took that away from me.
Wow you sound lovely. I feel sorry for your SIL, losing babies suffering from PND and having to put up with family being in a strop
Enough4me · 25/10/2020 23:03

Poor baby being passed about like a toy and poor you pushed into it to please your DPs mum.

I would put the issues to DP: you can't visit 3 days a week it's too much & he can visit more, with social distancing DD shouldn't be passed about, he can also help in evenings so you can get an early night.