Not texting back for hours

[M0wgl1]

Disclaimer: we are both single parents (shared custody) with long hours (weekday) jobs

New guy takes 12-24 hours to reply to my messages, weekdays + weekends. He instigates dates and asks questions but only ever messages very early morning or late evening. Am sure he is single. Is this unreasonable? Very very early stages of dating, like two/three weeks in.........

Well I can think of lots of jobs where using your mobile phone is just not possible unless you're on a break, because it's frowned on or because you're too busy - teaching, caring, healthcare, retail, driving, emergency services.

It sounds as if he uses his phone socially twice a day - in the morning before work and in the evening after his children are in bed.

It wouldn't bother me - I'd be relieved actually - but if it bothers you op I think you need to tell him and then adjust your expectations or end it if he is still unable to communicate in the way you prefer.

A couple of weeks in, he instigates dates and asks questions, he has a long working day and childcare commitments... seems entirely reasonable.

This would bother me too, but I'm also a millennial. Considering how difficult it is to meet up right now (especially for you both having children & restrictions) I don't really understand how you're supposed to get to know each other and keep communication going. I do appreciate though that this is probably a more 'modern' approach but I don't think you're being needy, if I'm interested in someone I like having an actual conversation, even if it's just sat down for 15 minutes in the evening texting back and forth.

Obviously he's entitled to treat his phone/messaging that way but you're also entitled to want more communication and other people can give you that or you can adjust your expectations (personally, I wouldn't though!)

Bugritt unlike you, I am perfectly aware that workplaces *differ". Some will have certain rules, some will not.

But if dating someone new, I would not automatically make the assumption that their job or life permitted them to text instantly or frequently. Following on from that, I wouldn't assume that everyone wanted to text instantly or frequently. Many, many people find it really annoying and clingy.

As for workplaces being close minded. No, a workplace is not a person but an entity, so don't be so deliberately obtuse. What I am saying is that if you said to an employer that their policy on no phone use in the office was "close minded", you wouldn't exactly create a good impression.

You do realise that there are workplaces and jobs where mobile phone use is expressly barred/heavily discouraged or impossible? Maybe it would be helpful to you to gain understanding to try and think up a list of such occupations and workplaces? How do you feel about people who drive about different places during the day for work? Should they keep pulling over to reply quickly enough to people like the OP?

I’m now finding you a bit sad, so will ignore you I can assure you that being lectured to patronisingly and being told that I can't understand words isn't something that really draws me to you either.

@IncandescentSilver

Yes, but I’m not saying it to an employer, I’m saying it to you - due to the fact that you have spent multiple comments refusing to grasp the fact that this attitude towards mobile phone usage is not universal. I’ve said this multiple times, so who is being obtuse?

And, again, you throw around words like ‘delinquent, child, laughed out of workplaces’ and are somehow offended even addressed in a similar tone. See above re cognitive dissonance.

I am aware that people’s situations and preferences may differ. Please see list of comments where I have acknowledged this:

‘I’m sure there are professions and workplaces where this is the case.’

‘However, that’s me. I get that it’s completely different for other people. You just need to find someone who is on the same page.’

‘If texting is not for you or not possible due to your circumstances, then that’s fine.’

‘Nobody is saying that you, your parents or IncandescentSilver should want to or have to be able to. Just that some of us can and do. And that it’s a perfectly acceptable thing to expect in a relationship - you just need another person who can and does.’

Your inability to construct anything resembling a rational argument is really making the whole solicitor claim look a bit shaky. So, if you’re a fantasist, this whole thing is just even sadder. I really will ignore you, now. Good luck with...stuff.

As a women I have learned over the years that men don't like that bit as much as we do. Men from my experience don't want to keep messaging constantly through the day. Especially men over 30. I think the younger age groups are on their phones alot (under 25) but the 30+ men are older and busier and perhaps can't be arsed.

But it depends on loads of factors. Like is he a big phone user? Is he busy with kids and work? Is he allowed his phone on him in the day?

I understand it's early days and you want to flirt and Chat and he's probably on your mind loads. But this stage will settle and this is the stage you can scare them off in.

Omg in My early 20s I became a right cling on to a bloke. He had started it all to be fair. He had made the first move and everything. But I was constantly messaging him and waiting for him to contact me. Like full on never had my mind on anything else. Even at work I'd be itching for my break. Then I'd run to my locker and be gutted if he hadn't sent me a message! It was cringe looking back. He ended things after a month. Partly because my ex's sister was giving him grief and she was married to a traveller. But mostly I suspect he didn't really like me much after I had phone harassed him for 4 weeks. Looking back I was abit of a bootie call I think. He only saw me after 10pm!

Take my advice and be breezy. I know it's hard and I suck at it. But try.

I think he should be able to reply within the day though. Like a few hours later. But maybe he's just not a texter

IncandescentSilver I'm not "obsessed with my phone" either -- this is the fallacy of the undistributed middle.

But to claim its somehow bad form or indicative of poor character or being workshy which is what your previous posts have implied is hysterical and unfair.

There are large numbers of people in responsible, professional jobs who use their phones during the working day and suggesting that mobile phone use as a tell-tale sign of someone who is lazy and underemployed is just nonsense.

interestingly....

OP isn't checking mumsnet for updates ... that's ironic 🤣

OP hasn't really clarified length of dating etc either so it's hard to get a clear picture 🌺

OP isn't checking mumsnet for updates ... that's ironic

All the LoLs.

This thread contains a really odd argument with people taking themselves much too seriously!

I’m allowed to text at work, but often choose not to because it gets in the way of my concentration and until recently rarely had time to draw breath. Depends on the circs.

However, if someone was replying reliably morning and evening I think that’s fine FOR ME and would find it quite needy if someone raised it.

But since this is your second thread about this person about the same issue, it obviously bothers you a lot. So you are probably better off ending it before you get attached.

Second thread eh? You need to talk to him about this, OP. He clearly isn't that into you, or already partnered.

my phone is always on Silent too... 24/7

I actually dislike the sound of Alerts

but I check my phone lunch time whenever 🌺

But since this is your second thread about this person about the same issue, it obviously bothers you a lot. So you are probably better off ending it before you get attached.

it's not is it 😱

Oh goodness I didn't recognise the username from last time! Early stages of dating? Your first date was on Saturday! Chill out for goodness' sake

It doesn't really matter what other people would like when it comes to communication preferences.

If yours don't match with someone to the point it makes you anxious and you need to start Mumsnet threads then you aren't compatible.

Plenty of people do like chit chat throughout the day, so you're better matched with someone like that.

I take ages to reply to people. My mates texted me saturday and you've just reminded me I should reply. I see I've got a text, am so busy I don't have time to reply and plan to do so later then forget then think oh I'll do it in a mo, then its 2 days later. I try to reply straight away otherwise I just get carried away by life and forget. Thats for ladies I actually really like, you've known this person 3 weeks OP that's not long at all

thepeopleversuswork mumsnet, fun though it is, probably isn't representative of society as a whole, because the infrequent phone users are aren't probably likely to be posting their views on here either.

Its horses for courses. I couldn't be doing with texting back and forth multiple times per day (what do you say that hasn't been said already/can't wait til you meet up?) but at least it's not as bad as phoning.

good grief

Maybe he just doesn't like texting and prefers to talk in person? When I was dating (including when I met my partner), I barely ever texted them because it's not how I like to communicate... I prefer talking in person. And i'm young (mid twenties), so it's not like I don't know how to work a phone!

I haven't voted as not sure which way is which, but I agree with pp who said He is using his phone in a sensible, healthy and professional way.

Now, as you haven't come back to reply to anyone, we don't know what he does. but there are lots of jobs where people can't be chatting on their phone whilst they are at work. There are also other people that might check their phones once a day, nothing to do with their work.
I'd FAR rather be in a relationship with someone like that, than someone so needy as to be wanting to 'be in touch' all day every day.

The beauty of modern communication is that you are free to message whenever and as often as convenient, but also free to REPLY whenever and as little as convenient...

Now that I am married and we are an old boring couple, we do whatsapp randomly throughout the day, when we have time or something to say, can be once, can be 30 times. We both would have ran a mile if a new date was constantly pestering us with texts in the first few weeks of dating!