Not texting back for hours

[M0wgl1]

Disclaimer: we are both single parents (shared custody) with long hours (weekday) jobs

New guy takes 12-24 hours to reply to my messages, weekdays + weekends. He instigates dates and asks questions but only ever messages very early morning or late evening. Am sure he is single. Is this unreasonable? Very very early stages of dating, like two/three weeks in.........

No-one is going to lose their job for taking 30 seconds out to text a friend/partner

Well that depends on the job. Plenty of places have an 'absolutely no phones, other unauthorised communication devices eg smart watches, no cameras' rules for employees. Eg prisons or other secure environments and having these on the premises would be gross misconduct, instant dismissal and you may even find yourself in the prison as an inmate not as an employee.

Plus you have all the other people who don't have access to their phone at work eg aircrew, factory workers, medical staff and many others so could easily be uncontactable for many hours at a time.

That's a funny one.

Early on, you expect instant replies and him to be forever on his phone and annoyed if he really is one of these people who ignore their phone most of the day.

I bet later on you'll be annoyed if he was spending all day on his phone and would expect him to focus on you. If you are not 20, but he is a grown up with a full time job and kids to look after, it cannot be the same dynamic as 2 carefree people.

Be careful what you wish for 🤷

@Bwlch
I did say, though: ‘However, that’s me. I get that it’s completely different for other people. You just need to find someone who is on the same page.’
AND
‘If texting is not for you or not possible due to your circumstances, then that’s fine.’

Nobody is saying that you, your parents or IncandescentSilver should want to or have to be able to. Just that some of us can and do. And that it’s a perfectly acceptable thing to expect in a relationship - you just need another person who can and does.

No-one is going to lose their job for taking 30 seconds out to text a friend/partner

some would. Some work places have banned mobile phones on desk!

Many people are quite happy to ignore their phone and concentrate on what they are doing. There are days when my mobile is at the bottom of my handbag and I don't look at it for hours. I am not that important that I must be reachable every second of the day

Just that some of us can and do. And that it’s a perfectly acceptable thing to expect in a relationship - you just need another person who can and does.

Thinking back, my husband did make the effort to respond to texts when we were dating. He would rather speak than text though.

I remember a visiting academic from the US asking me if mobile phone calls were really expensive in the UK. He had been struck by the number of people he had seen bashing away on their phones. Apparently, it isn't/wasn't so prevalent over there.

@IncandescentSilver
Both the phrases quoted were directly taken from your comment, which is still up there in black and white, so I’ve mixed up nothing. And I’m perfectly calm, thank you. I’m not the one using hyperbolic language.

I included finance and the law in the professions of my social circle. Perhaps your perspective is skewed by your own personal prejudices/hang ups? Particularly if you consider half a dozen 30 second texts throughout the day to be ‘unusually attached to texting’.

The majority of people share offices. How on Earth would someone else messaging be distracting? I can’t think of a single person I know who doesn’t have their phone permanently on silent. I’m surprised that you’d need that pointed out to you. Someone quietly tapping out a message at their desk provides exactly no distraction.

I’m going to repeat this, as you chose not to address it: “ It’s 2020 and performance in most professional jobs, at least in London, is judged against the quality of your output. As long as you’re delivering, absolutely nobody is interested in whether or not anyone occasionally gets their phone out. I find the restrictions you’ve just described quite bizarre and reminiscent of a very different age.”

@Buggritbuggrit you don't seem to get that people's experiences differ.

@RedMarauder
If you read my comments, you’ll see that I have specifically stated that I am aware people’s experiences and circumstances may differ. Multiple times, in fact.

Get a grip... Jesus some people aren’t glued to their phone. Mines always on silent yesterday woke from a nap at 5.30pm had 16 missed calls from my son three hours before

Some people don't do modern communication very well if at all. I'm sure most people work with someone who is poor at responding to emails, or returning phone calls, for example. Same with text messages no doubt, even if they are looking at their phone reasonably often.

I would not interpret this as showing little interest.

Bugritt stop insulting me. Its both weird and disproportionate. This is a thread on a discussion forum.

I've worked as a solicitor, and I can assure you that in many firms, texting dates and bringing your social life into work during billable hours is a disciplinary or sackable offence.

The key is billable hours - unlike the non-profit you work for, you are expected to make a profit for the firm.

Whilst there might be some solicitors who can text away merrily in some offices, its really frowned upon particularly where you share a room with others. Every hour of the working day is split into 6 minute units which have to be accounted for. I could see a senior partner having a real problem with a junior solicitor who used an entire unit for texting.

Who on earth needs to be texted 6 times a day during working hours anyway?

Many other jobs have similar rules/constraints.

This really should not have to be pointed out to someone repeatedly unless they are of the juvenile delinquent persuasion and have difficulty with following common rules of the workplace.

Maybe you just have really bad habits at work?

I might also add that it was so frowned upon, I used to leave my phone in the car or at home so I wasn't tempted to check it. Any emergency calls could always come through the main switchboard.

People are getting really worked up over this and we all need to calm down a bit.

Buggritbuggrit is right that in the vast majority of professions the discreet, appropriate and occasional use of a mobile phone is not going to lead to a disciplinary. In fact it many professions its virtually impossible to function without a mobile phone. I literally couldn't do my job without mine being on.

I'm sure there are some professions (such as teaching) where you're not allowed to have a phone with you when you're working but there are always exceptions made in the event of emergencies and always opportunities to use your phone if you need to.

This is all a bit of a digression from the OP's post but I am slightly struck by this weird puritanism about mobile phones and messaging which is a silly over-reaction and even more mad than the over-use of the things in the first place.

Mobile phones are part of modern life and this isn't going to change. We have to use common sense and not allow them from taking over every facet of our lives and use them appropriately, but claiming that briefly stepping out to respond to a message could cost you your job is bonkers.

The thing is, people have different opinions on texting. I quite like it, and would happily chat to someone all day if I had nothing better to do (in fact when DP and I first met we absolutely did text non-stop) - but I also have friends who treat texting like the plague, and would happily not be in touch between meet-ups at all. That doesn't mean they don't care, it just means they're not big texters, and that's honestly fine!

So don't put too much weight on that fact alone. The only reason I would ever see that as a red flag is if he was glued to his phone while you were out - as that would mean he's clearly seeing the messages, just choosing not to respond for hours and hours. I sometimes put my phone down during the day and potter about the house or do whatever, and hours have passed and I haven't even thought about touching it. Perhaps he's just like that? But then again I think if I was really keen on someone I'd probably want to reply whether I was that into texting or not ..

Sorry if that was really unhelpful!

LindaEllen is right. Huge differences in people's feelings about texting. Some can't live without it, some loathe it. It's really whether his approach to it is consistent with his approach to others which is important.

@IncandescentSilver
I have responded to you using the exact same tone (occasionally even the exact same language) as you have used to address me. If you consider it to be uncivil, perhaps some self reflection would be appropriate. You ask me to stop insulting you, but in the same comment tell me I have really bad habits at work - there’s clearly some cognitive dissonance at play here.

I stated my preferences and experiences to the OP, you responded directly to me claiming this was lax management and unimaginable to you. I have responded to that. You have also claimed that direct quotes from your comments (which are still there) were me being ‘mixed up’.

Who is spending six consecutive minutes texting? Nobody. The majority of people in professional jobs, don’t log billable hours (you’re conveniently skipping that) and for those that do, this has never been an issue.

What you claim shouldn’t have to be pointed out, has never had to be pointed out, because what you consider to be common rules of the workplace aren’t universal, as I’ve now stated multiple times. The fact that you can’t seem to fathom this is really your issue, not mine.

Maybe you’re just really close minded?

I'm one of those people that rarely check my mobile phone during the day, so i totally understand him. Some people find it quite intrusive and/or exhausting to be regularly checking a phone. If it is a big deal for you I think you are not really compatible.

Personally, wouldn't bother me, as I find texting during the day quite distracting. It takes me out of my work zone and I sort of feel more sociable in the evening if that makes sense. During the day, I'm just kinda getting on with life.

But since this is your second thread about this person about the same issue, it obviously bothers you a lot. So you are probably better off ending it before you get attached.

Buggritt you are taking quote out of context and re-arranging them to make me seem worse. I have responded to you using the exact same tone (occasionally even the exact same language) as you have used to address me. I suggest then that you learn to use your own words, and rearrange them in a more reasonable way. Theres no need for you to copy or paraphrase other people when making a point.

In many workplaces, arguing against a workplace policy of no mobile phone use on the basis of the employer being really close minded would not be a winner.

Its like something a schoolchild with boundary issues might argue. Not an actual adult in a professional job. You would be laughed out of most offices, with your P45 following closely behind. That is, if you even got through the interview stage with an attitude like that.

I always assumed that all these people who expected constant text messages from new dates were unemployed or worked part time, because presumably everyone knows that there are some jobs and some workplaces where it just isn't permitted or wouldn't be possible.

I don't have any friends whom I would message socially during standard work hours and expect a reply back from during the day, and I would hardly want a man who spent his working day on his phone, because to me that would indicate someone who didn't take their job very seriously or who was un or under employed.

sounds good to me - you need to adjust your expectations. If you want an immediate answer you're going to have to tell him this. And risk him ditching you for having unreasonable expectations.

IncandescentSilver

"I don't have any friends whom I would message socially during standard work hours and expect a reply back from during the day, and I would hardly want a man who spent his working day on his phone, because to me that would indicate someone who didn't take their job very seriously or who was un or under employed."

I would gently suggest to you that you might want to broaden your social circle a bit.

I work in a very high stress professional role and am not under or unemployed. In fact I'm working on my leave. I literally wouldn't be able to survive a day at work without a mobile phone and my employer would never dream of asking me to do this.

Large numbers of people manage to do their jobs competently and manage the appropriate use of a mobile phone at the same time: its not rocket science.

If your employer bans you from using them during the day I'm sorry as that must be very difficult but trust me that isn't the norm: most people's jobs are not like that. I would also suggest that if you wouldn't want to be friends with or to date someone who used their phone within working hours you're excluding about three quarters of the working population from your friendship circle, which seems unnecessarily draconian and unworkable.

Sorry I think you are being unfair to him.
The times you have stated, seem to be when he is at work or with his kids.
This leads me to believe you are trying to test him, and compare yourself to these other parts.
Sorry, but you should never be more important than his kids, especially when they are young.

@M0wgl1 it just means that you two are not suited for each other. Neither of you is wrong or right. Some people are heavy texters, some not. At such early stages you should be on the same wavelength.

thepeoplecleversuswork I would gently suggest to you that you might want to broaden your social circle a bit

My social circle is very wide, as I compete in a sport which means I have a lot of people I know outwith work and family. A sport which draws from a wide variety of backgrounds.

Its entirely possible that I don't notice whether or not I get a reply within a certain timeframe (as opposed to contacting a business) because I'm not obsessed with my phone.

But I'm a doer rather than a passive person who sits on my phone all day. Which reminds me, I must get out and do something more interesting than this...a lazy Monday morning for me.

you're excluding about three quarters of the working population from your friendship circle, which seems unnecessarily draconian and unworkable.

That sounds very dramatic but in reality its simply that the majority of people respond when convenient, not instantly.

So many jobs involve driving too that this really is utter nonsense.

@IncandescentSilver
No, thank you. I find that with people such as you, who will claim rudeness but take no ownership of their own lack of civility, mirroring language is most useful. I used the quotes very much in context. If I hadn’t, you would have pulled me up on it. You didn’t, because you couldn’t. I note you don’t consider your insulting tone or content to be ‘weird and disproportionate’.

“What you claim shouldn’t have to be pointed out, has never had to be pointed out, because what you consider to be common rules of the workplace aren’t universal, as I’ve now stated multiple times. The fact that you can’t seem to fathom this is really your issue, not mine. Maybe you’re just really close minded?”

So your understanding of that paragraph was that I was referring to workplaces as close minded? Are you being disingenuous or do you genuinely just not understand what words mean?

I don’t think that the workplaces are close minded, as this is not the rule in said workplaces. As I’ve stated. I think you are close minded because the above fact is apparently impossible for you to fathom. I have explained this quite clearly, on multiple occasions. You are still either not getting it or choosing not to address it. It’s a bit like talking to a truculent rock.

I assure you that, based on our relative communication skills and your apparent lack of reading comprehension, I’m not the one who would be laughed out of any offices. I’m doing extremely well, thank you.

I’m now finding you a bit sad, so will ignore you.