Not texting back for hours

[M0wgl1]

Disclaimer: we are both single parents (shared custody) with long hours (weekday) jobs

New guy takes 12-24 hours to reply to my messages, weekdays + weekends. He instigates dates and asks questions but only ever messages very early morning or late evening. Am sure he is single. Is this unreasonable? Very very early stages of dating, like two/three weeks in.........

He might not be allowed to have his phone with him when he's at work.

It's also good that he's not constantly on it. If the relationship progresses you'll get irritated if you see too much of the top of his head with his eyes and attention on his screen not you.

If you want to talk to him or need an answer, call not text. Texting is not for a conversation or an immediate response.

Agree with thorn and buggrit. I am an older millenial and that initial texting back and forth is exciting. At the start of seeing someone you are meant to be infatuated. A 12 - 24hour response time consistently without good reason would leave me cold and suggests he isn't that bothered.

this is a JOKE right !? you're calling OP unreasonable because a guy she is dating takes up to 24 hours to respond !? are you kidding me?

OP there is something wrong... when you ignore texts messages for 24 hours.. if he is a Pilot or a Surgeon then yes I get it... but spare me the 'he's just busy'... he manages to Eat .. he manages to go to the bathroom.. He manages to sleep.. so forgive me for saying...

He's not that into you 🌺

If he texts early morning and early evening, it suggests that he puts his phone out of the way when he's working or busy with his children.

If it really bothers you, you could take the radical step of telling him that you feel that you're a low priority for him and asking why he takes so long to reply.

@cariadlet
If op does what you suggest in the second paragraph, he would run for the hills.

If it really bothers you, you could take the radical step of telling him that you feel that you're a low priority for him and asking why he takes so long to reply

After this short a time, she will be a low priority. Casual dating comes after children and work.

How many times have you met?

I think it’s fair enough if he is busy at work.

I would get bored I think at this early stage but I do remember dh and I rang each other every night from early on and long betore what's app etc so I don't remember texting so much.

That's the problem with mobile phones nowadays. Everyone is expected to have a smart phone and to have it attached to their hand 24/7.

I wasn't clear in my previous post. I agree with pp that work and children will be his first priority. Nothing wrong with that at all. It's probably how things should be.

But it clearly bothers the op and I think that it's better to talk about it rather than brood. If he does find the op too needy and runs for the hills, then they are probably wanting different things and it's better for them both to cut their losses now. On the other hand, he might decide that he really likes the op, realises that she would like more communication and might start replying more often.

Behave... nobody is expected to have their phone attached to their hand 24/7. 🙄

But communication is key is any relationship, and if he is actively ignoring all correspondence from OP until he wants to nip over for a meal and warm comfort then that's a different thing entirely.

OP has given vague detail.. but ignoring someone would be considered 'grey rock' or abusive... so which is it ?

I'd be pissed off if an employee of mine were busy responding to personal texts during the working day. Therefore I avoid texts during someone's working hours, and wouldn't expect a response.

The trouble with texts, whatsapp etc is you don't know what the person at the other end is doing and whetehr it's a convenient time to talk.

I can't stand this constant needy texting. Like many people, I have a job where being on your phone during working hours would be potential gross misconduct. At lunchtime, I relax, rather than obsessively returning non urgent text messages. At weekends, I make the most of daylight hours to be outside. What on earth is so important in the early stages of dating that it cannot wait for a morning or evening response?

I'm my brief sortie into online dating, I did encounter one man who texted constantly. In desperation, I added him as a friend on Facebook, telling him I couldn't cope with the amount of text messages and suggesting he used Facebook instead, naively thinking it would lessen the pointless messages. Oh no, I woke up to 4 dms the next day, swiftly followed by many more.

I had to block him in the end. It was seriously annoying to wake up to "How are you today x?" and then just the same, repetitive questions throughout the day. EVery single DAY. Very, very needy.

Maybe you and this man just aren't compatible OP?

I'm my brief sortie into online dating, I did encounter one man who texted constantly. In desperation, I added him as a friend on Facebook, telling him I couldn't cope with the amount of text messages and suggesting he used Facebook instead, naively thinking it would lessen the pointless messages. Oh no, I woke up to 4 dms the next day, swiftly followed by many more.

in this situation you did right to Block him 🌺

I think it is very much horses for courses: some people are absolutely addicted to messaging/texting and can't live without it, for others its very peripheral. Partly a generational thing, partly personality.

I personally would be quite relieved if he wasn't constantly on his phone as I think its the curse of the age we live in, but I'm an old git. I also think at this early a stage in the relationship and if you both have kids your focus should be on them.

That said, I can sort of see how if you're a millennial and you live online it might seem like he's keeping you at bay a bit.

I think the yardstick really has to be how he treats other people online: if he is on his phone a lot and is messaging a whole lot of other people more frequently than you then it may be he's just not that into you. If he's just someone who puts his phone away while he's focused on work that's a different story.

But I can see that if

For the record, I have a shiny senior professional job, as does my DP. As do our friends. At no point in any of our careers has popping off a text during the day been a problem or a burden. Some days are busier than others, and you’re dashing about to meetings. However, most of the time that’s not the case and half a dozen 30 second texts dotted throughout an eight hour workday don’t impact anyone’s performance. This is how we communicate. And it wouldn’t even occur to me to sanction an employee for doing the same.

I’m finding the people who are responding with such vitriol a bit odd. If texting is not for you or not possible due to your circumstances, then that’s fine. However, getting worked up and bandying about words like ‘needy and obsessive’ because people have different communication preferences to you is very strange.

Buggritbuggrit

I agree that the idea that texting personal contacts when you're at work amounts to "gross misconduct" or other ridiculous things is slightly hysterical. No-one is going to lose their job for taking 30 seconds out to text a friend/partner.

Buggrittbugritt solicitor here, now a (part time) university lecturer. In my last job, my firm had a no mobile phone use in the office policy. In court, you obviously have to have your phone switched off. There are only so many trips to the toilet you can make. When I'm teaching, I'm rushing between different rooms when I'm not actively teaching. I like to do sport or at least take a walk at lunchtime. My best friend is a dentist and runs her own practice, I'm lucky if I get a reply within 2 days! But that doesnt matter as I know she's bust at work and I'll see her in person when we meet up.

It takes a certain type of person in a certain type of job to be glued to their phone responding off and on all day in the way you suggest is normal.

Where are all these 9r8fessionaks who have all this time and lax management to text on their phones all day? I know none.

I do this all the time. As long as I haven't been asked something that needs a prompt reply, I think it's fine.

People have a tendency to think that text messages deserve a more immediate reply, because they're faster to send. But it still requiring you to put aside what you're doing and give your focus to the other person, who will then immediately text back, resulting in an entire text conversation, usually. Sometimes you just don't have the time for that, or you're not in the mood. So you wait until you can get to it, and then toddle off and do your own thing for another few hours while you wait for the other person's reply.

Although this does make me wonder if OP is instantly replying to every text. As a more long distance texter, that would unsettle me a bit, I think. It would quickly start to feel like a rebuke. Or as other posters have said, needy.

@IncandescentSilver
I’m a Director of a non-profit, my DP works in the City, my friends are mostly employed in legal (including a solicitor at a corporate law firm), finance and the civil service. None of us has ever had what you described. I assume it makes sense in a teaching environment, but the no phones in the office policy seems quite silly and, while it may have been your experience, I can categorically state that it is not accepted practice across all law firms.

I don’t consider it ‘lax management’. Most of us currently ARE management. It’s 2020 and performance in most professional jobs, at least in London, is judged against the quality of your output. As long as you’re delivering, absolutely nobody is interested in whether or not anyone occasionally gets their phone out. I find the restrictions you’ve just described quite bizarre and reminiscent of a very different age. If you say that’s

I am also quite amused that you’ve interpreted ‘half a dozen 30 second texts dotted throughout an eight hour workday’ as ‘glued to their phone responding off and on all day’. This is what I was referring to re getting oddly worked up.

@IncandescentSilver

Buggrittbugritt solicitor here, now a (part time) university lecturer. In my last job, my firm had a no mobile phone use in the office policy. In court, you obviously have to have your phone switched off. There are only so many trips to the toilet you can make. When I'm teaching, I'm rushing between different rooms when I'm not actively teaching. I like to do sport or at least take a walk at lunchtime. My best friend is a dentist and runs her own practice, I'm lucky if I get a reply within 2 days! But that doesnt matter as I know she's bust at work and I'll see her in person when we meet up.

It takes a certain type of person in a certain type of job to be glued to their phone responding off and on all day in the way you suggest is normal.

Where are all these 9r8fessionaks who have all this time and lax management to text on their phones all day? I know none.

Hope he is not a lawyer or teacher!😂 Gosh Op.
I think you would like frequent communication? As anyone would wanting to get to know a new man in there life. Single working parents can juggle children and a text message it requires a few minutes of effort and respect that's all. 24hr replies imply arrogance

@thepeopleversuswork I’m sure there are professions and workplaces where this is the case, but I’ve never encountered any. It’s actually really interesting that the belief it must be applicable to all workplaces is so widespread on Mumsnet (or at least amongst the commenters on this thread).

I can see where IncandescentSilver is coming from. On a busy teaching day, I might not look at my phone until I get home in the evening. My husband rarely looks at his at all unless it actually rings. I don't bother sending him texts and neither does anybody else that knows him.

Buggrittbugritt it actually does sound as thiugh you're the one who is worked up, as you've confused my phraseology with some other poster's.

Perhaps the fact that you work for a non profit and have a lot of friends who work for the public sector is giving you a skewed perspective?

I don't know many professionals, especially those who have to use time recording, who wouldn't find the expectations of a new partner to text multiple times during the working day a tad irritating. Even someone who works in a supermarket checkout or who drives for a living would find it difficult.

I can't honestly see the problem. The chap texts back in the mornings and the evenings when he's not at work. While there might be some "corporate lawyers" (it's always "corporate lawyers" , isn't it...) who are unusually attached to texting, it's hardly a rule. In reality, plenty of people, "corporate lawyers" included, share offices and while you might get away with one text, it's seriously distracting and doesn't look good.

People really need this pointed out to them?