AIBU or should my DM mind her own?

[Namechange1234589]

So- long story short- my being very overweight is a considerable source of disappointment to my mother. When I got married- my partner was slim-ish, however both of us have put on weight and so now his weight is also an abhorrence to her. We are both v tall and therefore carry weight gain well, but equally we will be first to admit we don't make the effort regularly with exercise, enjoy booze too much and I have a chronic addiction to sugar whilst he adds salt to lots of stuff. So yes- we know, we don't make the best choices and we should do more about it.
My mother takes it upon herself to make comments and send 'helpful' information from NHS website about salt intake or from other health blogs about weight loss. None of it is rocket science- eat less, move more, less salt and less sugar, We know, we've told her we know this. Still she keeps sending stuff/making comments and I find it patronising/insulting/passive aggressive/unnecessary.
Now, apart from enjoying food and drink too much there are also a lot of emotional issues tied up in my eating. I started to unpick these in therapy about 7 years ago now but couldn't afford further sessions which I think would have helped. Right now I'm not in a financial position to go back to therapy. My mother is unaware I've ever had therapy for anything.
Anyway- I am well used to my mum's loathing of my weight, doesn't make it easier but I am used to it. My partner gets very cross about it and thinks as we've told her once politely we didn't ask for any advice etc. so don't give it, we should now be telling her to fuck off.
She is now extending her 'helpful guidance' to our parenting. I expect she has a huge fear- as I do- that our daughter will grow up to be a fat mess like I am and be unable to have a healthy relationship with food. I haven't told her I feel like this or asked her if she does. AIBU to think she needs to back off and trust that I, as a loving and caring mother, do put time, effort and consideration into what my daughter eats? The most recent issue has been she messaged to say she was very concerned by the fact we have frubes in our fridge and don't we know there's an obesity epidemic and type 2 diabetes crisis etc. Our DC is 2.5, very tall for age and also very slender. Pretty much the ONLY sugary food they have regularly is one frube tube approx 34g. I know 100g to 100g it is much more sugary than greek yoghurt but the portion size makes it less sugary than 100g greek yog and she enjoys it more etc. We don't give biscuits and we rarely eat cake except when we do baking (perhaps once a month). We keep her as active as possible- one walk or trip to playground a day on average, sometimes 2, limit screen time to about 1.5hrs/day. All I want is my DC to have a healthy relationship with food.
Sorry -this has turned into a post about our own parenting choices now. Thanks if you've read this far.

YABU- your mum should continue to send you the same NHS info and make comments/remarks etc. because you are still choosing to be unhealthy yourself and you might start feeding your child junk 24/7
YANBU- your mum needs to back off and accept it isn't her business, plus a Frube a day is hardly the devil's work.

I haven't voted because your options are too specific, yes your mum does need to back off.
You as parents are role models to your child so you are her 'normal'. She will learn her eating habits, healthy or otherwise, from you, abd her relationship with food will be shaped by you.
Is your mum overweight herself? Trying to figure out if she's coming from a place of she's fat and unhappy that it's being passed down the generations, or if she's slim and worried about you and doesn't understand what it is to struggle with weight.
Is there any way to get the therapy back on track? 💐
Would your mum contribute if she knew you were unhappy, or do you feel like she is part of the cause?

@StrawBeretMoose

I haven't voted because your options are too specific, yes your mum does need to back off. You as parents are role models to your child so you are her 'normal'. She will learn her eating habits, healthy or otherwise, from you, abd her relationship with food will be shaped by you. Is your mum overweight herself? Trying to figure out if she's coming from a place of she's fat and unhappy that it's being passed down the generations, or if she's slim and worried about you and doesn't understand what it is to struggle with weight. Is there any way to get the therapy back on track? 💐 Would your mum contribute if she knew you were unhappy, or do you feel like she is part of the cause?

My mum was overweight (not considerably) when I was younger and I remember she used to binge eat specific foods. This definitely contributed to me developing my own warped perception of food. She has been incredibly slim- even thin I would say- for 25 years or so now. As a young adult I noticed her food intake becoming very restrictive and also restricted (e.g. eating equivalent of 800 cals a day and same things every day). I recognise she wasn't/isn't healthy. I am desperate to break the cycle of disordered eating for my own DC. I am trying hard in terms of what we feed her, what she sees us eating, how we speak about food, how we speak about our bodies etc. It all feels so complex and multilayered and I am constantly terrified of cocking it up. I am not in a place mentally where I feel able to speak to my mum about therapy. I don't think she is either.

I've come across this in a couple of family relationships/dynamics. I was in your position. My mum and nan were in your mums position.

It was also my mum. Tbh she was right, and principally she was very worried about my physical health. I guess it's like watching your child do something that may directly shorten/endanger their life.

It didn't help, how she bagged me. But she was right, and I kind of get that now. She was struggling to stand by and watch me damage my health.

How overweight are you talking? Is it dangerously overweight, or just slightly?

@VHSappy

I've come across this in a couple of family relationships/dynamics. I was in your position. My mum and nan were in your mums position.

It was also my mum. Tbh she was right, and principally she was very worried about my physical health. I guess it's like watching your child do something that may directly shorten/endanger their life.

It didn't help, how she bagged me. But she was right, and I kind of get that now. She was struggling to stand by and watch me damage my health.

How overweight are you talking? Is it dangerously overweight, or just slightly?

Yes- it is a very hard situation and I can see where my mum is coming from to some extent but equally I think as parents we need to let go at some point. Easier said than done I'm sure and I obviously speak as a parent of a very young child who isn't currently able to make their own decisions that I would fundamentally agree with. I am a size 18-20, just under 6 foot and probably in the obese category. I can still go out on long walks and run round after a toddler and regardless of weight (even when I was a size 10/12) I have always had a 'curvy' body shape.

@VHSappy can I also ask what happened in your situation? Did you discuss it with your mum? Did it resolve on its own?

I would mention you have researched care homes..
And she should be more respectful - for you could end up choosing hers...

@Sunnydaysstillhere thank you for this- it gave me a good chuckle

She needs to back off massively. Shaming someone for their weight has never helped anyone lose weight! I think you sound very deferential to her.

You need to tell her to back the fuck off. Every time. Don't engage with her. Just "I'm not talking about this with you any more". Does she massively overstep in other ways too?

I am also overweight with a "health" obsessed mother.

and care homes with the buzzer just out of reach

people's weight and alcohol intake are a private matter which need gentle and tactful discussions.

if they need any discussion at all , i am sure you know your own weight

YANBU - your mum needs to back off and a frube won't do your DD any harm. But, as you already know, your mum is coming from a place of love and concern.

I'm with your DH. I'd be telling her to fuck off.

I don't respond well to my DM bringing up weight issues, her issues with my sister's weight were a huge contributor to my sister developing a life threatening eating disorder, and if I'd been less robust, I reckon I would have had one too. She knows, although I've never said anything, that if she ever starts in on my younger daughter, who is not overweight, but is not sylph like, the wrath that will rain down upon her head shall be swift, and painful.

As to starting in on my husband? OMG! The brass neck! She's not even his Mum, just his wife's Mum, who he has to put up with as a result.

And given how much my mother fucked up on her parenting, there's no way I'd ever take her parenting advice or judgment, I'd be showing her the door while laughing hysterically, if she tried it.

This is not made up for effect on MN. That is what I'd do. And she bloody knows it. To her credit. And the survival of our relationship.

Your Mum doesn't know this. You might need to give her a swift sharp course of 'I'm not putting up with this anymore, I don't care if you mean well and it's all because you wuv's us, you can wind your bloody neck in. We're adults, and we're the parents, and you can back the fuck off buddy'.

I didn’t vote as you did make them too specific.

YANBU to tell your mother where to go.

However, as a mum yourself I think you probably know she’s got your best interests at heart; albeit approaching it in the wrong way.

Secondly, I don’t kind a frube (been known to help myself to one on occasion), but wouldn’t do it every day. That’s absolutely how a sugar habit begins.

Perhaps you educate your mother? Show her you do but in Greek yoghurt, fresh fruit and veg. If she’s lived on such a restricted diet, perhaps she needs showing what a truly healthy diet actually is?

@DimidDavilby yes she does overstep in other ways, but those ways are easier to see as her trying to be helpful. I think she is actually someone who is very anxious and likes to try and control things. Her Anxiety disorder is no doubt related to growing up with an abusive/addicted parent, but she has passed that anxiety on to me- although that only became clear once I started therapy in my mid twenties. Since 'frube gate' I have started to push back. I pushed back on the yoghurt criticism but then, a week later, a new comment was sent in response to something I shared on social media from a nutritionist account I follow that is focused on helping parents deliver their kids a great balanced and healthy diet and has other stuff like how to support picky eaters etc. So I've pushed back on that today too but it's exhausting. I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of shouldering the weight of her passive aggressive remarks, her criticisms disguised in the form of being 'helpful' or 'caring' and now already tired of trying to highlight to her why it's neither caring or helpful and instead is patronising and irritating. I've asked her to reflect really hard on why she feels the need to continuously give the same message. I am convinced that if she did she would reach one of the conclusions I have: trying to control everything/everyone and perceiving that as being caring or wanting to change me so she feels I am easier to accept/love.
How do you deal with your own mum? Does she make comments?

Sorry. I'm aware I sound awful. This is a bit of a trigger for me. This is the woman who tried to instruct me in the correct way to arrange my cutlery drawer. It's well meaning, but very infantilising and controlling!

@glasshalfsomething

I didn’t vote as you did make them too specific.

YANBU to tell your mother where to go.

However, as a mum yourself I think you probably know she’s got your best interests at heart; albeit approaching it in the wrong way.

Secondly, I don’t kind a frube (been known to help myself to one on occasion), but wouldn’t do it every day. That’s absolutely how a sugar habit begins.

Perhaps you educate your mother? Show her you do but in Greek yoghurt, fresh fruit and veg. If she’s lived on such a restricted diet, perhaps she needs showing what a truly healthy diet actually is?

Perhaps we do need to look at the daily frube then. I absolutely do not want to build a sugar habit. It has been the bane of my own life and continues to be so. Educating her is a lovely idea, however she wouldn't accept it- she believes she knows best about this area because of her own line of work. And actually- like me she does know what makes a healthy balanced diet, equally like me she may choose not to have one (although in her case that would be by being too restrictive).

[quote Namechange1234589]@VHSappy can I also ask what happened in your situation? Did you discuss it with your mum? Did it resolve on its own?[/quote]
I lost quite a lot of weight, I'm now about 10st.

Even though I knew she was right I don't think her nagging helped. It just pissed me off. It had nothing to do with me losing the weight in the end. I was in my late 20s at the time. I knew the answer, I just wanted her to fuck off. Even though I knew she was right it almost made me not want to lose weight

@mbosnz I am so sorry about your sister. I too developed an eating disorder as a teen, although not to the extent of your sister's from what you've said. When I think back to that time and how my mum ate she was demonstrating binge behaviours and therefore perhaps no surprise that I became a binge/purger. It was miserable and I hated myself for it and I didn't kick the habit until my early twenties. I am so desperate to avoid it happening again and my mum's language around food to me etc. makes me fearful of what she's saying to my daughter when we aren't there. I don't want her commenting to my daughter about how much she's eating/what her figure is like etc- at the moment she's so little but it's so engrained in my mum to comment now. And I've witnessed my mum make passive aggressive comments in front of my daughter about my DH's salt use etc. so god only knows whhat she might say about me behind my back and those comments are so toxic I think in terms of the way they demonise foods. Just as bad as putting food on a pedestal and using sugary treats as rewards./pick me ups etc.

I don't even think a size 18 is THAT bad if you're almost 6ft!

I'm 5ft3 so I guess it looked way worse on my height.

@VHSappy good for you- that's brilliant. I agree- every nagging comment she makes triggers me into teenage mode. I actually said to my husband it makes me not want to lose weight just to piss her off- which I realise is ridiculous and I would never deliberately keep or gain weight just to annoy her. I know I need to be healthier however my self esteem is definitely something keeping me back and that has been created in part by the endless comments things like : your aunt was so shocked seeing you the other day- by how much weight you've gained- or- this one's a classic, after breaking up with my first ever proper boyfriend/first love: well- you had put on quite a bit of weight than when you first met.
I would rather do a lot of grim things before ever allowing myself to say things like this to my daughter.

I've got this too from my mum OP. See my username.
It's very very upsetting and I'll be honest, one benefit of Covid has been that I don't see my mum much as we live quite far away. I've not missed the constant jibes about my weight and appearance. Apparently it upsets her and she can't understand what she did wrong to have a fat daughter. I'd like nothing more than to lose weight but I don't seem to have the willpower. And having kids has meant I am trying to build healthy choices in to their normal routine whilst being awful at making them myself.

I'd send her a message to say you understand her concerns about your weight and how it will affect dd. But you two are her parents and are doing a great job. Any further messages or helpful comments will not be tolerated.

Warn her once, mum I told you not to do this.
Then block her for a few days

@JamminDoughnuts I totally agree. Tactful being the key word.

I completely understand about teenage mode!

I often responded to her bitching by thinking IM AN ADULT! You can't tell me what to do! Then I'd order a kebab.

"your aunt was so shocked seeing you the other day- by how much weight you've gained" this is just rude. Do you tell her she's being very rude? Would she speak to a stranger like that?