AIBU or should my DM mind her own?

[Namechange1234589]

So- long story short- my being very overweight is a considerable source of disappointment to my mother. When I got married- my partner was slim-ish, however both of us have put on weight and so now his weight is also an abhorrence to her. We are both v tall and therefore carry weight gain well, but equally we will be first to admit we don't make the effort regularly with exercise, enjoy booze too much and I have a chronic addiction to sugar whilst he adds salt to lots of stuff. So yes- we know, we don't make the best choices and we should do more about it.
My mother takes it upon herself to make comments and send 'helpful' information from NHS website about salt intake or from other health blogs about weight loss. None of it is rocket science- eat less, move more, less salt and less sugar, We know, we've told her we know this. Still she keeps sending stuff/making comments and I find it patronising/insulting/passive aggressive/unnecessary.
Now, apart from enjoying food and drink too much there are also a lot of emotional issues tied up in my eating. I started to unpick these in therapy about 7 years ago now but couldn't afford further sessions which I think would have helped. Right now I'm not in a financial position to go back to therapy. My mother is unaware I've ever had therapy for anything.
Anyway- I am well used to my mum's loathing of my weight, doesn't make it easier but I am used to it. My partner gets very cross about it and thinks as we've told her once politely we didn't ask for any advice etc. so don't give it, we should now be telling her to fuck off.
She is now extending her 'helpful guidance' to our parenting. I expect she has a huge fear- as I do- that our daughter will grow up to be a fat mess like I am and be unable to have a healthy relationship with food. I haven't told her I feel like this or asked her if she does. AIBU to think she needs to back off and trust that I, as a loving and caring mother, do put time, effort and consideration into what my daughter eats? The most recent issue has been she messaged to say she was very concerned by the fact we have frubes in our fridge and don't we know there's an obesity epidemic and type 2 diabetes crisis etc. Our DC is 2.5, very tall for age and also very slender. Pretty much the ONLY sugary food they have regularly is one frube tube approx 34g. I know 100g to 100g it is much more sugary than greek yoghurt but the portion size makes it less sugary than 100g greek yog and she enjoys it more etc. We don't give biscuits and we rarely eat cake except when we do baking (perhaps once a month). We keep her as active as possible- one walk or trip to playground a day on average, sometimes 2, limit screen time to about 1.5hrs/day. All I want is my DC to have a healthy relationship with food.
Sorry -this has turned into a post about our own parenting choices now. Thanks if you've read this far.

YABU- your mum should continue to send you the same NHS info and make comments/remarks etc. because you are still choosing to be unhealthy yourself and you might start feeding your child junk 24/7
YANBU- your mum needs to back off and accept it isn't her business, plus a Frube a day is hardly the devil's work.

My dm who is as far from a perfect dm as possible- is now no longer part of our lives due to her criticism of me, my home, dc and all my choices and decisions full stop.
Over 8 years of bliss.

@forrestgreen next time she sends anything/says anything directed at my partner/I I will do this. I've pushed back on the stuff she's sent re: our DD already so just need to continue now.

@StepawayfromtheBiscuittin I am sorry you always have to endure this- it's quite soul destroying in many ways and I am definitely struggling mentally with it all now my DD is in the mix of things. My mum makes it clear by her comments she sees me as a failure in terms of my weight and in turn this makes me upset and anxious and in turn I then might 'eat' those feelings, despite trying my hardest to be mindful and aware of triggers etc.

YANBU about your mother and should tell her to fuck off.

But personally I think a frube every day isn’t a good pattern.

Unfortunately I think it’s likely your and your husbands bad eating habits will rub off on your daughter. I know it’s so hard to change though!

I would be asking her to stop, then if she sends something once more I would tell her to stop and that if she sent anything else you would mark her email address as junk and it goes straight to your junk box and nothing need be read

If she starts talking about it I would ask her to stop and if she doesn’t walk away, if she carries on either I would leave if at hers, or ask her to leave if at yours with a warning she won’t be invited again if she dies this again

I think, if my mother ever had the temerity to remark on my DH's weight, I'd say to her, 'and this is why he wants to tell you to fuck off Mum. You have even less right to judge and bitch about his weight, than you do mine'.

@VHSappy I recall I did get cross with her on that- I asked her how she expected me to feel hearing that and why she would therefore say it. She couldn't really give an answer from what I remember. I told her I thought it was a nasty and unnecessary thing to pass on. It's so hurtful she even felt it ok to say it.

@Thisisnotnormal69 thank you for your honesty. We will definitely be reviewing daily frube and start alternating it with greek yoghurt/Skyr.

@Chloemol I agree this is a good plan- email is easy to sort, but last few things have come via social media... trickier to deal with without fully blocking from the get go. There would be a big fall out from the blocking as she loves seeing pics I upload of DC.

@mbosnz I am going to use this line next time. We have sunday lunch at hers tomorrow with said aunt from previous comment. Actually feeling a bit sick about it to be honest and tempted to cancel... DH is very pro cancelling it.

@Sunnydaysstillhere wow that must have been such a tough decision to make and stick to- but well done for prioritising yours and your family's mental health and happiness.

I totally had this as well.

My Mum was overweight when I was little and then lost loads of weight and ever since has nagged me about mine. Since I was 8.

The shame and embarrassment of having her bring it up at every doctors appointment etc was awful. Once I'd sprained an ankle when I was 11or something playing netball. The nurse was wrapping it for me and Mum was talking about how she was hoping I'd lose weight with the sports and that she just didnt know what else to do. And I swear to God I gave never loved a nurse more.

She turned to my Mum and went," Well it's not her fault is it, she's 11! Mum never liked seeing that Nyrse ever again 🤣

In all seriousness I am overweight and badly but the I have some control issues with food and nagging just makes me want to binge.

I am attempting to pluck up the courage and money for therapy as I just dont think I could do group stuff which is what nhs offers.

My mother does it on all aspects of my life. I started by trying to go low contact with her. Just a weekly phone call and occasional visits. It worked while we lived far away. Now we live quite close.

We had a big blow up and now are no contact. It's been just over a year and to be honest the relief of not having her around is still a really good feeling.

People commenting on my weight sends me straight to the crips or biscuit barrel

My Mum has always been controlling (and a loving Mum too). Not about my weight but she does make comments about slim people all the time which I am not, but it's not necessarily about the aspect of control, more the fact she thinks she can decide how you as adults live your lives. I had some counselling this year which helped massively. My Mum doesn't like it of course but my daughters have benefitted because I'm more available to them and their needs rather than second guessing myself and seeking her love/approval (single parent and they are 22 & 12). It's not easy tho and I feel huge guilt about not being a dutiful daughter but that's the price we pay. I know I don't want to do that to my girls as they get older...

I'm sorry that your mum's restrictive eating habits had such an effect on you OP.
You've done very well to suppress the binge and purge pattern.

Perhaps you can tell your mum that her nagging is really damaging your self-esteem and makes you feel like comfort eating, it's having the opposite effect.
Also tell her that if you do lose weight it is for you and you would appreciate no compliments about it in front of your DD either (to not put ideas in her head that losing weight is a good thing).
Honestly I think the time has come to be blunt, but only issue ultimatums that you can follow through with and don't cause you additional stress. So maybe instead of a dramatic never want to see you again conversation say if she keeps it up you will need a break for a fortnight /month as it is too hurtful.

Her eating habits impacted on you, yours will on your child, for you and your child you can do what you need, if you have setbacks you will also have progess. By progress I mean happier in your habits, healthier, yes that will lead to weight loss if you are in the obese category but it's not your main goal.
Your self awareness is a good thing.
There was a bit of a feeder dynamic going on with a family member, it didn't come from malice (quite the opposite) but at the same time it was unhelpful, and I see it being repeated.
You can only break patterns when you recognise them and you have done so keep going.

Your mum needs to back off and realise that her behaviour is inappropriate. She sounds like she is also a disordered eater, albeit manifest in different ways.

Are there any NHS weight management programmes you can access. I'm not sure whether or not it us helpful to say this, but some of your thinking around weight and food sounds quite distorted. You owe it to yourself and your family to address things now, before you develop serious health problems.

Good luck. I hope things improve and your mum learns to stfu.

@CarelessSquid07A we need more nurses like her!
I know the group sessions are daunting but would you be able to join one by Zoom or similar, maybe stay off camera at first, see if it helps? Might be easier than walking into a room of strangers. I too declined support group type therapy years ago (in case I saw them outside of the group!) but may have considered an online group from my own home.

I just want to jump in on Frube gate, ds has one frube a day as well as a babybel because I want to keep his calcium levels up. He won't eat yoghurt out of a pot he's picky about texture. However he also has a load of peppers, tomato and cucumber with every lunch, multiple pieces of fruit per day and lots of veg with his evening meal, so one frube is not going to make him obese. He is bang in the middle for weight and height. I'd be giving your mother an ultimatum one last chance to stop with any and all comments regarding food and weight and if she ignores you go no contact for a month or so. Telling her beforehand you will be doing so obviously. It seems like you need do something before your husband really loses the plot (not that I blame him!)

I think parents who do this actually make things worse. Every time they say it just say” that’s rude” or where are your manners . I find that works .

@StrawBeretMoose I know she was awesome I really missed her when she retired!

I have been reconsidering later for that very reason. I'm very slowly getting used to Zoom type calls for work and it's not so bad.

But I struggle to admit my feelings to myself and even Dh as well and I'm not sure extra people would help.

Poor Dh triggers the binging sometimes too by accident.

It's that "You don't really need to eat it do you mentality" it takes me straight back to being an obstinate teen.

Again, I'm with your DH. Cancel.

Just text both, and say, given my mother told me about your discussions about my weight, I have very little appetite to sit down with you tomorrow for a meal. We're putting in our apologies. Cheers.'

And then go out for a nice pub lunch with your lovely man and baby, and go for a nice walk afterwards. . .

Don't panic about a frube a day. That's nothing. Banning slightly sugary foods is a nightmare. Everything in moderation and keep active. You will be fine. Your mother has food issues and trying not to project these on to your children is not easy. You are doing a good job. My family have an obsession with slimming world and how many pounds have gone off / added on. It doesn't matter. Live your life. Don't get weighed. I don't have scales. Go for a walk each day outside. Enjoy life. Good Luck with this.

Thanks @Namechange1234589 - I'm pretty thick skinned but this stuff festers as I know she's actually right and I do need to lose the weight.

After a particularly memorable comment two years ago, I didn't call for a good few days and my mum sent me a text saying she was sorry if she had offended me. Usually I would be restrained but this time I let rip back via text and said I was very upset and that I'd had enough and I did not want to see her again if it was only going to be negativity and criticism. I was very very firm and that seems to have helped a little.

It doesn't help that I've been eating too much during lockdown and now have an even bigger mountain of weight loss to climb than I did before.

With your daughter, what works for us is keeping them involved in making meals, growing our own bits of veg, a good breakfast like porridge or eggs and not having junk in the house (I eat it more than they do but they do ask for stuff if it's here).
Good luck.

Also, can I suggest that while one motivation for their actions and comments might be maternal love, another might be maternal pride - i.e., they feel that how we look and what we do reflects on them, and that we are manifestations of them, rather than our own independent, autonomous, adult persons?

And that's not okay.

Her approach pisses you off but there is absolutely no escaping the fact that she’s right.

It will worry her, same as it would worry you if it was your dd.

I repeatedly told my dh that there was a chance that drinking, smoking & eating like a teenager whose parents have gone away for the weekend leaving £30 for food WASN'T a plan for life and got told to do one (nicely) because everyone at work lived the same way & they were all perfectly healthy & that he’d rather have a short happy life than a longer miserable one 🤨. At 55 He now has heart failure. His heart has a calcified valve that means not enough blood gets through, the other valve is regurgitating blood back into the chamber rather than around his body. He is permanently unwell, feels very tired, out of breath lying down & needs two separate operations which will keep him on blood thinners for life. He no longer drinks, vapes or eats how he wants to. He is bored stiff of being ill & not able to do basic things like walk around the park. He rolled the dice like a lot of people do & lost. There was no warning on this, one month he was ok, the next he was in hospital.

It’s not worth it. The processed fatty sweet food, the booze, it’s not worth it.

Fatty liver disease is also huge in this country, there is no treatment for that. It’s a transplant situation.