AIBU? YES! but why???

[Belladonna123]

I'm posting in AIBU as I really need an online arse kicking. ExP, who I couldn't stand to even have a conversation with due to his narcssist personality, has a new partner. I don't WANT this man, I was the one who ended things but... I am so jealous! Like stomach churning, can't stop thinking about it type jealousy. We share a child together so I can't go full NC. I don't have him on any social media. We communicate only for our daughter. And these feelings are crippling me. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not even sitting thinking about all the good times and changing my view of our relationship, I know he was a prick to me. Anyone ever felt like this? And any tips how to get through it and feel indifferent towards him again? I'm actually devastated with myself for feeling like this.

Imagine he leaves her and begs for you back. How would that make you feel? Knowing he’d start all his narcissistic and probably abusive crap again with you again? Would that make you happy? No? Thought not. It’s just new information. You’ll get used to the idea soon enough.

@Rotundandhappy

New information. That's a great way to think of it. Oh god, noooo. That's why I don't have a clue why the hell this would bother me. And my real life friends would be shocked to know I felt like this. And then they would worry I want him back whicj I don't. So I came on here to write it down and get it off my chest and out my head. Thank you for replying

It's understandable.

When you got together with him, I imagine you had an idea of how it would be to be in a relationship with someone you loved and how it would be when you had a child together.

Unfortunately, reality didn't live up to your hopes.

Perhaps you're 'jealous' of the idea that their relationship might be the sort of relationship you wanted. It's unlikely, as he won't have changed.

You don't need an 'arse kicking'.

Just keep holding onto the fact that you ended it for a very good reason and life is better without him.

Read up on Trauma Bonding.

Going through similar now

Also you chose to end the relationship and it’s always hard when the person who didn’t make the decision manages to ‘move on’ first. It’s a-given that the one who ended the relationship should be fine with their decision and likely move on first, so it’s hard when the other one does. But that’s all it is. It’s an illusion. You don’t want him but you also don’t really want him to be happy first. That’s so natural.

Just feel sorry for the poor woman, you know what she has to look forward to. No matter how wonderful and charming he may be in the beginning, no relationship is new forever.

@pigsDOfly
Thank you 🙏for those words. I'm reading them over and over. I actually felt I was losing it. Because, and I cannot stress this enough, this man made me feel like I lived in a cage. Critism, control all day long. So I'm floored to feel like this. Your words have helped.

@HigherFurtherFasterBaby
I sincerely hope you are okay? Do you feel like this too and hate yourself for it?

I just read about trauma bonding. Wow, I could have written it myself. Thank you for posting me too it.

Anyone who is going through similar here is a great link:
www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201905/trauma-bonding-codependency-and-narcissistic-abuse

@Rotundandhappy

You are right. I do feel sorry for her. I know how it will play out and hope she has the resilience to combat it.

You’re imagining the idealistic version of him and what could have been for the two of you. It’ll pass. You’ve said you don’t have him added on your social media, but you don’t stalk his and look at photos of them, do you?

Yes, I think it's normal, feelings are weird. I've felt this but for me it was more like anger, that he was (presumably) happy and (presumably, but a safe presumption if you know my ex) telling her all the same lines he told me, "you saved me after my horrible ex ruined me". What's it matter? Of course it doesn't but you feel how you feel. Just try to forget about it and I'm sure you will soon.

My ExH was controlling

He remarried

He's an a-hole to our DC, turns up rarely and messes them around even tho they are teens they still give him time and make allowances. He's around more for his new DC, 20 years later

He cheats on her, he's not paid a penny in maintenance to me and DC for years (messes around with self employment and hiding assets and money In her name snd company name)

I some days have dreams that he turned nice to me. He doesn't he's an abusive arsehole still. I regret marrying him and the 18 years we were together but don't regret my DC. I regret that I wasn't widowed where I could have felt less of an idiot who picked the wrong father to my DC. And that I could have remarried rather than had the erratic contact impact so much on romantic weekends I ended up cancelling that I gave up trying to do it all. That's a strong feeling

@SimplyPizza
I only have an Insta account which I don't use. I looked her up on that. She's 10 years younger than him so the lass will be prime for his behaviour. I don't feel any malice towards her, she's done nothing wrong. Neither has he come to think of it 😂 he can see who he wants. But I've no way of stalking them online and I am so glad of that. You make sense when I read your post. Thank you for taking time to respond, writing all this has really helped today

@FlyNow
Yes, anger is there too. Honestly this has really helped me.

Hi op. They'll be a better explanation on Google but basically it's an evolutionary hormone thing. I can't remember the details but I find sometimes I can shake off this type of feeling if I can dismiss it as out of my control - what you are feeling is normal but chemical. It's not you being stupid or foolish or whatever. Just sit with it and know it WILL pass.

@Sparticuscaticus

That's awful to go through. And your kids deserved better. You deserved better. I get what you are saying about giving up seeing other people. Me ex, so far, is a great father. But I need him exclusively for childcare. I'm a mental health nurse, he is self employed. I work shifts and he has our daughter during that time. I know have a gut feeling that will be his only contact now. So he can spend time with his new partner when he is off. Fair enough. But he won't split the free time with me so that I could also go out or whatever so I'm also giving up on the idea of meeting anyone else, at least just now. I know what you mean about fantasising that things were good. Even though we know it wasn't and never would be again. I just need to work this through. I know I can do it, I won't be the sad 'psycho' ex that gives him power from my pain.

@Titsinknicks

I'll have a Google, thank you 🙏

Tried googling but can't find it. Damn. Basically we are all hormones and stuff and when we fall in love it's chemical. When that person - even if you don't logically want them anymore - is with another person something in the brain triggers and it goes 'woah there I can't lose you, we're connected! What about our chemicals!' or something. Sorry for the poor explanation. Same thing when you break up with someone - logically you know it's the right thing but your mind doesn't always catch up so quickly

Are you jealous or are you angry that he gets to move on and be happy after hatred you terribly. I've been feeling very similar was in similar circumstances and realised I'm actually pissed off that as usual he has landed on his feet and I'm alone and putting myself back together

I remember feeling like this with an ex and I daresay I will again when exH2B finally admits he is seeing someone else.

I put it down to "I dont want you but you are supposed to still want me" and its a kick to the ego when you realise that they arent bothered about you anymore!

Maybe so far you've only thought about the split objectively. You know it was the right thing to do, you know that you were being abused, you know that how he treated you would do even more damage to you if you stayed.

All of that is your head talking. Him having a new partner has opened up the subjective, emotional response (the heart) that so far hasn't been in your thoughts. So while your head never grieved for the relationship, you're discovering that actually there is an emotional side to it too.

It will pass. But your brain has to process the emotions first. And then you'll be in an even better position than you have been up to now even if you didn't realise what was happening before.

@DontTouchTheMoustache
Both! Yes, it sucks that he gets to treat me like that but find happiness again. No doubt about it that's also went through my mind. I have times I can't switch my thoughts off to the point I feel physically sick. And I hate myself for it.

@DontTouchTheMoustache

Yes. I don't want him but he should still want me. Absolutely mental 😂see when you write it down, you realise how mad it is. And that helps a little

@Titsinknicks

That makes so much sense.

@Feedingthebirds1

I actually felt really emotional reading that. Yes, let my heart grieve for the loss of the relationship and catch up with my mind that it absolutely was the right thing to do to end it.
Thank you 🙏

Just accept that you feel this way and give yourself permission to be down about it for a while. The fact that you ended it doesn't mean you have to move on without a backward glance - life is messier than that. I have a narc ex who I've had no contact with for over 4 years, and it still sometimes occurs to me that part of me would be upset if he died (even though that would in many ways make things easier for me because I'm constantly watching my back). You loved him once, and perhaps his being with someone new is throwing up all the hopes and dreams you once had for your relationship. Whatever. Nobody says you have to feel fine about it.

WHATEVER YOU DO, though, don't allow him to get any inkling that you're upset. Grey rock all the way.

Have you read this book? It's so useful: www.goodreads.com/book/show/1505718.Narcissistic_Lovers

I also came across this podcast recently - I don't really know what it's like as I only listened to the intro episode, but sharing just in case it's useful to you: www.carolinestrawson.com/category/podcast/

@fandemic
That book looks like it could help me. I'll also listen to the podcast tonight. Anything that helps me deal with this.

I'm feeling ready for when I face him to be totally cool. Even if my stomach is churning he will NOT have any idea. That's good advice 🙏💡

Me ex, so far, is a great father.

Be careful here. I thought the same about my ex too. Narcs do appear to be great fathers when the kids are very young - they are little mini-versions of themselves, easy to please, adoring. Things are less simple as the kids get older, though - as they start saying things like 'I hate you' and maybe being surly and ungrateful. Be on guard. Prepare your kids. I'm really not trying to scare you, but I recognise those thoughts.

I think it's natural to feel that way. Maybe a part of you wanted to see him have a light-bulb moment and see the error of his ways and come grovelling. Not so that you could take him back, mind you, but so that you could have that validation from seeing that he knows he treated you poorly, and regrets what he did.

But he has moved on, so whatever closure you might have unconsciously wanted will never happen. He won't ever realise what he's done. He won't ever be sorry. You won't ever get that type of closure. And that really sucks, because deep down most of us want those who have wronged us to realise the error of their ways and feel bad for hurting us.

I don't know if that is true for you, but I know people who have felt this way. They just want that person to acknowledge what they've done.

@fandemic
You have worded my fears perfectly