AIBU? YES! but why???

[Belladonna123]

I'm posting in AIBU as I really need an online arse kicking. ExP, who I couldn't stand to even have a conversation with due to his narcssist personality, has a new partner. I don't WANT this man, I was the one who ended things but... I am so jealous! Like stomach churning, can't stop thinking about it type jealousy. We share a child together so I can't go full NC. I don't have him on any social media. We communicate only for our daughter. And these feelings are crippling me. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not even sitting thinking about all the good times and changing my view of our relationship, I know he was a prick to me. Anyone ever felt like this? And any tips how to get through it and feel indifferent towards him again? I'm actually devastated with myself for feeling like this.

For me, lockdown has been brilliant for this.

Did it hurt when my ex married another woman? Yes.

Would just one minute of lockdown with him have been absolutely unbearable? Hell, yes.

Does it hurt anymore? No.

It's still unfair that his wife got the benefit of my hard work, but she also got the bits of him I couldn't fix, and the body that has aged so, so badly. What a prize. Me? I got to spend the last 6 months of my life without being judged and/or controlled by him, and having space all to myself.

There really is nothing like being quarantined to remind you how glorious it is to be single compared to being trapped in a bad relationship.

Go on - just imagine what lockdown would have been like with him in your home. Don't you feel better now, knowing that's not something you had to put up with?

He wouldn't have helped with your DC - he would have left you to it, with you growing more and resentful as you got more and more tired and he did less and less. You would have fought, and you wouldn't have been able to go out with friends and get some space, because of lockdown rules. Your DC would have picked up on the shouting and become a little nightmare, because all children, even the good ones, will act out when they hear their parents fighting.

Picture what the reality would have been like, not some rosy vision of happiness. You know exactly what it would have been like.

Now, aren't you glad it was just you and your DC?

You wanted him to value you as he should. He didn’t and you ended it. You’re worried that the new woman will have the relationship with him that you wanted

He is a Narc and they love to mess with your head and keep their options open. You are entitled to feel this way but you have had a lucky escape. Please keep it that way.... ❤️

^^@AzraiL

'think it's natural to feel that way. Maybe a part of you wanted to see him have a light-bulb moment and see the error of his ways and come grovelling. Not so that you could take him back, mind you, but so that you could have that validation from seeing that he knows he treated you poorly, and regrets what he did'

This is so true. I have wanted to message him to say exactly that. But the feeling of the satisfaction he would get is strong enough to stop me from doing that. The very thought of him showing her a heartfelt message like that would only prove his description of the ex! So I will NEVER do that.

Yes, I need to live with no closure but that is just going to be the way it is.

Thank you to everyone who took time to reply to me. Its honestly been a load off my mind

@raiinkeepsfallingdown

Wow. If I sit and think of just one day with him here I immediately think if all his shit. Good tactic, thanks. Oh god. No. The laziness, the questioning of my clothes, the needy little prick that he was! I couldn't ever go back to that. Yes that does make me feel a lot better.

Good luck, OP

I think because it’s the fear we have that he will be a completely different person with her and you will have missed out in some way. But it’s a fallacy, he will never change and you’re much better off.

I wonder if at some level you think he's changed and they have this amazing relationship.

He hasn't and that more young women will end up with zero self esteem and crushed like you were!

So erase those thoughts of "why wasn't I good enough for him to change for/be a decent bloke" - he will never be decent to anyone apart from when reeling them in as part of the cycle of abuse....

It is the sense of injustice that rankles. Women especially seem to have a highly developed sense of justice.

I have been in your shoes OP. It's normal. One day you will realise that you are not having those thoughts any more and that will be the end to it. In the meantme you go in this loop of doom wanting to message but not being prepared to give him the satisfaction.

He will do it to her too. It won't be long before she has the same facial expression you had when dealing with him. That is when you get your vindication.

I've been there OP.

It took me a minute to figure out that I wasn't jealous of her, it was actually that I was jealous that he had someone and I didn't.

@Belladonna123 I'm glad it helped. You know you're better off without him, and eventually, the logic will catch up with the irrational, instinctive emotions.

Even if he's magically changed and morphed into a decent human being (which I highly doubt), it wouldn't have happened if he'd stayed with you. For reasons no one will ever understand, he was only capable of being an utter shit towards you, and you don't need that kind of toxicity in your life.

If you start to feel sad or upset again, just picture lockdown with him again. That's an image what will make you feel justified in your convictions of not wanting to be with him ever again. Focus on that reality.

Are they still in the ‘lovebombing’ phase ?
That’s the best (read ‘only’) good bit of being in a relationship with a narc.
Maybe it triggers memories of the phase you had with him ? Maybe you think it won’t be followed by the torture that follows, or a discard phase ?
It will, it always does.
Shame.

I can't believe there are so many women who have experienced this and can share ways of coping. I was feeling like an absolute idiot and I just can't tell my RL friends. But having the courage to post on this has honestly eased my pain and slowed my thoughts. Every single person on here has said something I relate to. Something I can use to work through it and come out the other side better and stronger. One day it wil be me on a thread offering advice to someone similar.

I cannot thank you enough about preparing my daughter for rejection or anything else that comes our way. She is only 6 and ADORES this man. My other daughter is 21 so we will be a unit to help her protect herself.

Blown away by all the support here 🙏

6?! Narcs love them at that age, especially opposite sex children so Mothers/Sons, Fathers/Daughters. They are sweet and biddable and so so adoring.

But one day she will get her hair cut short (say) or wear funky adult style clothes or bin him off for a party with her mates or just have a different opinion from him and that will be it. She will be told she is "just like your fucking mother" and potentially you will be accused of poisoning her against him.....

Seen it, lived it.

Best of British old girl

@PyongyangKipperbang

Thank you 💕💐

I've already been through that phase with my older one. You are reminding me of what I should already know. Once the wee ones personality becomes the 'terrible teen' it's going to be a whole other show.

Honestly, it's pure manxiety 😂😂

My ex is a narc and it worries me that DD isnt actually kicking back at him, daft as it sounds I think the fact she still acts like his little princess because she knows what he is capable of is worse.

She is 9.5 and starting to be a bit of an arse occasionally at home, but then she knows she can and I wont stop loving her. :(

@PyongyangKipperbang

She has her safe space with you 💖

He needed a new supply.

You have to pity the new woman as she will soon be going through exactly the same shit as you did with him.

It's natural and normal to feel jealous, even though you don't want him back. He's moved on before you, you didn't expect him to do that. You expected him to still be hurting over you, it's a kind of rejection and relegation that you're experiencing.

Just allow yourself to feel the emotions, don't block them out or berate yourself for how you're feeling. You're a human being, feeling jealousy is allowed. Work through it, deal with it, then put it behind you.

Be civil for the children, but apart from that don't reward him with another moment of your precious time.

Of course he would move on first. A narcissist can't be alone!!

Seeing him starting out again with a new partner has I think made you grieve the relationship you wished / thought you would have. Even though he turned out to be a complete twat, it's quite normal to feel jealous/ generally churned up about the imagined relationship, not the person if you see what I mean! As the quote says ' all things will pass" and you'll soon wonder why you were so bothered - good luck

[quote Belladonna123]@PyongyangKipperbang

She has her safe space with you 💖[/quote]
YEah, but I cant help feeling sad that she should have that with both of us but darent be herself in front of him.

I suspect the day will eventually come, but hopefully when she is a older and more able to understand that it isnt her fault.

Maybe you are subconsciously thinking he might step up for this new woman and treat her very well, which makes you feel jealous as he was so awful to you. Or why could he be so lovely to her and not you, why did you deserve to be treat like crap and she gets nothing but love?

Just a thought

@VioletSunset

Maybe you are subconsciously thinking he might step up for this new woman and treat her very well, which makes you feel jealous as he was so awful to you. Or why could he be so lovely to her and not you, why did you deserve to be treat like crap and she gets nothing but love?

Just a thought

Weirdly, I know I am the only woman ex really cared about. He was terrified of losing me. I am also the only woman he raised his hand to.

So I hope that he never loves another woman again and sticks with his old attitude of "Its nice to be with her but if she leaves, there is another one around the corner".

Oh god my bf’s ex was like that. They had been separated for 3 years before he met me (she ended it because in her words he was a selfish, lying, lazy shit) but when she found out about me she hit the roof - yelling all kinds of nasty things about how he’d destroyed the family etc. She was just incredibly bitter that he had moved on. She now has a bf of her own and it is a bit better, but she still has an issue with him being happy because he “destroyed her life”. I really do think that she had these visions of a perfect family life and when it didn’t live up to expectations she was just gutted. And very bitter. She still blames him for the break up even though it was his decision. And yes she did throw in comments like how unfair it was that he got to move on. It’s actually quite sad how much energy hating him must take up. But it is gutting and upsetting when 2 people split up with young children and dreams are torn apart. So I understand to some extent. I don’t think it does make a difference who ended it. But you weren’t right for each other and try to think that you will be happier in the long run. He’s not worth the energy.

Meant to say “her” decision

I think anyone who has been in a R/L finds it difficult when they find a new partner .Obviously at one time you loved each other enough to have a child together .A part of you (small one obv) still has feelings for him .These cannot just switch off even though they are irrational! Maybe just have DC ready or drop off at his house quickly ,so you dont have to see much of him.You know hes a Dickhead and glad to be shot of him .However seeing him and knowing he has another woman whos younger as well is a kind of hormonal response really .Have you met anyone else at all ? May be worth going on a few dates?