AIBU? YES! but why???

[Belladonna123]

I'm posting in AIBU as I really need an online arse kicking. ExP, who I couldn't stand to even have a conversation with due to his narcssist personality, has a new partner. I don't WANT this man, I was the one who ended things but... I am so jealous! Like stomach churning, can't stop thinking about it type jealousy. We share a child together so I can't go full NC. I don't have him on any social media. We communicate only for our daughter. And these feelings are crippling me. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not even sitting thinking about all the good times and changing my view of our relationship, I know he was a prick to me. Anyone ever felt like this? And any tips how to get through it and feel indifferent towards him again? I'm actually devastated with myself for feeling like this.

@toobusytothink

That's shocking. How awful she was like that! Aw I don't feel anything but sorry for this new lass, she has done nothing to me. Yes, my ex isn't worth it, he's worth less than nothing actually, 😂

That’s the best way to think about it. It’s strange because me and my ex finished on friendly terms after 20 years because we had both grown apart. So we’re both really happy the other has found someone to make them happy. I think when it ends due to actions of one or another it’s always hard to think like that so ironically it makes you angry that they have moved on and someone else finds them nice because they weren’t to you. Now i know my bf made mistakes and it’s the reason they split (not infidelity - just choices) but I think he’s learnt from them (of course I may be proved wrong but hope not). So in his ex’s head she can’t understand why anyone else could like him and is therefore bitter and jealous. You need to be kind to yourself I think and let yourself be upset and angry for a bit, but then move on and hopefully you will be ready to meet someone else at some point

It might be that you're sad/worried she'll have the happy life you imagined, and will that mean that you weren't good enough/the problem. Right now she's living your fantasy, even if you know exactly how bad the reality is. She has your "if only".

Ofc in real life he might romance the crap out of her for a while ,but then he'll pour all his shit over her. With the added bonus of more experience.
So what she actually has is a turd in pretty wrapping. As soon as the layers come off the stench will become unbearable.

I think it’s reasonable and probably normal to have these types of feelings.

Loads of PPs have made really valid and useful points. Personally I would think it stems from a place of wondering why he was such an arsehole to you, why he couldn’t have been a decent partner and does that make you a bad person or not worth treating properly..... all subconsciously of course because rationally you know that he’s a wanker and you’re worth a million times more and that you did nothing wrong etc. But our subconscious does weird things and sometimes we can view this sort of thing as a rejection of who we are - as in “why wasnt I good enough to treat properly”

It’s not true of course, just our daft emotions. Thoughts are just thoughts, they are not reality. You don’t need to pay them attention, just let it slide over you - it will pass soon enough, sooner if you acknowledge the feelings for what they are - not reality and completely transient

Well today he comes to collect our daughter and tells me his relationship is over! Apparently she has mental health issues! Yes that's right, HE said SHE has issues. My first thought was this lass has seen through something in a few weeks that took me 7 years! 😂She accused him of gaslighting her! Good for her for seeing it and dealing with it.
When he sees someone again I'll be prepared to deal with my feelings. I have taken a lot from this thread and I hope some else can too. Loads of support and great advice🙏

How do you feel now he's told you they are over?

@violetsunset

I felt relieved. Mostly for me and how I've been feeling, but for her too. Maybe they will sort things out but it validates my experiences with him! As I said, I'm more prepared for next time now

I'm still struggling😩 have tried so many things to stop the ache in my stomach. I've found reading about trauma bonding really really helpful. I've got a podcast to listen to tomorrow when I have time to myself. I don't know why I'm even posting this, I just want to get down on all fours and scream. But.. I know it will pass. I know it will get better. I just have to keep going. My house is the cleanest it's ever been 🙈every time I feel like this I do something to try to keep busy. Anyway, just wanted to get that out. Again 🙈