pregnant - partner / ex demanding abortion

[ltmt]

Hello 👋🏼
Have name changed for this

Recently found out I am pregnant. Not sure how far along. Myself & partner don't live together yet. Told my partner (possibly ex now; as he has gone on the missing for the best part of a week) and his first reaction was "it's ok we can do this together" and didn't mention it again.
Fast forward 2 weeks; he has announced that he's moving into a new home; to a 1 bedroom property for him and his 3 children he has from a previous relationship and is telling me to get an abortion.

I don't want an abortion. I am financially ok, I have a stable home and a son from a previous relationship so I know how to raise a child and I can do this alone.

my AIBU is -:
A) AIBU to keep the baby?
B) do I have to keep him involved / informed?
C) AIBU to think him moving to another one bedroom property is giving me a clear signal he doesn't see a future with myself / us as a family?

Thank you for taking the time to read and any comments

Do what you want to do, its your body and you seem fairly prepared for the fact you'll be a single parent.

You don't have to keep him informed if you don't want to and you have a right to privacy however if he does want involvement it may be worth working out an agreed plan, for example that you'll message him at set points of the pregnancy to update him on the baby.

He wouldn't automatically have parental responsibility but he would still have a responsibility to provide financially once the baby is born.

And yes, moving into a one bed flat does sound like he has decided not to consider this future child in his long term plans.

1. No you are not unreasonable.
2. Yes he is the dad, he will be on birthbcertificate (probably) and will have rights to see his child and potentially have up to 50/50 in future.
3. Yes probably.

I personally wouldn't want to have to deal qith a man like that for rest of my life so would serioisly consider whether to conyinue pregnancy but thats me.only you can make the final decision

YANBU to keep the baby. There would be a moral argument for keeping him informed of the relevant information but no more than that I don't think. And a man who thinks that a 1 bed place when he already has 3 children is a suitable home, is not a man whose input, thoughts or opinions I would give any energy to at all. He can't factor his current children into the equation, he is not likely to be a better parent to yours. If you want the baby, continue with the pregnancy, but don't waste your time on him.

you want to keep the child.
it's your decision, so do what you want. keep it.
obviously there is no future with him.
you will be more than fine without him.
he's got no interest in the pregnancy, he's made that clear. you don't have to keep him informed. just proceed without him.
look after yourself. don't waste energy on him. good luck.

Thank you everyone .....

You're all echoing what my mum is saying to me.
If he's telling me to get an abortion I can't really see how I could keep him updated - especially as he's now gone on the missing; isn't picking up calls and my messages aren't being delivered. I'm not going round there to chase him

Posters above me said he will have rights / some said he won't. How does that work?
My other child's father came with me to register our son and we've had no problems co-parenting when the relationship broke down so I'm not sure if it changes things if he's not on the birth certificate?

@ltmt

Thank you everyone .....

You're all echoing what my mum is saying to me.
If he's telling me to get an abortion I can't really see how I could keep him updated - especially as he's now gone on the missing; isn't picking up calls and my messages aren't being delivered. I'm not going round there to chase him

Posters above me said he will have rights / some said he won't. How does that work?
My other child's father came with me to register our son and we've had no problems co-parenting when the relationship broke down so I'm not sure if it changes things if he's not on the birth certificate?

Not on the birth certificate - no parental responsibility.

Still liable for maintenance

No one to dictate or argue with you how they think it should be.

What Rachie said. If he didn't go with you to register the birth and you don't want to add him anyway then he'd have to go to court to get added and it sounds like he won't go to that kind of effort.

As you are not married he would have to go with you to register the birth to be named on the birth certificate; without being named he has no automatic right to parental responsibility towards the child however he would still be liable to pay CMS towards the child if you pursued a claim - unless he demanded a dna test to disprove (or otherwise) paternity. He could, down the line, go to court for PR and to be added to the birth certificate but it doesn’t sound like he particularly wants to have any involvement in the continuation of the pregnancy so may well refuse to have any input once the baby arrives if you continue with the pregnancy.

If you are not married then the babies father would need to be present with you to register the birth. If you went alone then you do not have to name him on the birth certificate. Whether he is named on the birth certificate or not, he still has a financial responsibility to his child. If he wishes to be added to the birth certificate at a later date he can apply through the courts at his own expense.

My advise would be not to name him on the birth certificate and give the child your surname.

@Rememberallball worded it much better than me!

Thank you all so much. The advice has been helpful and very eye opening.

I want this baby; and I am going to go ahead with the pregnancy. I am stuck with weather to inform him about scans / appointments / the birth etc especially as he's acting this way now and the baby isn't even here - currently I know I can't even get hold of him and I'm not going running to him so I can't do much at the movement

I would just not tell him until the baby is here and you've registered them with your surname. You don't need stress from him during your pregnancy.

It’s important to be clear though that not putting him on birth cert does not mean he can never have any rights. This used to be the case but he could in any time in the future apply to court for parental rights.

Sorry you’re going through this OP

He’s pretty much dumped you so I wouldn’t bother to keep him updated, he doesn’t want the baby, doesn’t see a future with you now whether or not you abort and has gone awol. As you want the baby then carry on on tue understanding he’s not in the picture. Once you’ve given birth you can apply for child maintenance but if he’s paying towards his older 3 already it won’t be much unless he’s a high earner. Unlikely if he’s squeezing 4 people into a one bed. Baby gets your surname and only you on the birth certificate.

By suggesting you’d keep him informed are you hoping he’ll come around, change his mind and want to be a family unit? How long were you together? It sounds quite casual if he’s made moving plans and not told you.

OP,

Would you like to meet someone else?

I would be thinking a bit about what you would like for your future.

Is it really a good idea to have another baby with a man who clearly isn't interested.

He's the child's father so of course he will have rights. Just because he's a moron won't change that. Every child deserves to know their parent.

If I was you, and I'm not, I'd also seriously consider if I'd continue bringing a baby into this mess. He's gone AWOL with 3 kids to a 1 bed place.
Sounds awful for them. He sounds ridiculous.
Up to you but don't just assume he'll swan off and cause no issue or co-parent magically.

Good luck.

Good luck with baby.

The relationship is clearly over, so I would just ignore him unless and until you need to claim maintenance.

I'm not thinking about being with him / hoping he'll stick around.
He clearly doesn't want too and at 35 you would think he'd behave like an adult but obviously not.
We were together nearly 2 years before finding out I was pregnant and maybe 2 days after telling him I was pregnant he causally mentioned he was moving into a one bedroom like he'd bought a new pair of shoes

While telling me he's moving into a one bedroom, he also told me he had quit his job and took a pay cut - £15,000 pay cut so the maintenance money wouldn't even factor into any decision I make

I, personally, just cannot have an abortion. If other people make that decision then I support their choice however it's not something that I would choose to do.

I doubt he would co-parent reasonably going by his behaviour so far; however I doubt he will show back up - however I thought I knew him and I obviously did not.
I also highly doubt he will go to court as he hasn't done with his ex partner for their 3 children

Did he know you were completely against abortion? He’s 35 with 3 kids already and no suitable home to see them in. I’m assuming he used condoms but he should probably get a vasectomy.

Yes we used condoms and he knew I was against abortion.

We had planned to have a baby in the next 2 years - as we said we would've have moved in together by then.

Then literally out of nowhere he throws in that he's moving into a one bedroom and has quit his job so honestly I have no idea what he's doing.

But like others have said; I can either do this alone and continue to chase him or do this alone and not chase him.
So I guess I'm doing this alone; considering he still hasn't even bothered to contact me.

If I were you right now I’d cut all contact from my side.

You’ve told him you are expecting, he knows you won’t be having an abortion. That’s all he needs to know.
If he chooses to get his head out of his arse and contact you and support you in your decision then you can decide to what level you want to be involved with him.

But at this point you have responsibility to only yourself and the baby. So move forward on the basis of being a single parent, dont give him details of appointments or scans otherwise you are just handing him information to hold over you and you’ll be sat around wondering if he’s going to turn up or ask how it went or how the baby is etc.

He may have a change of heart after the initial shock / upset has settled. But it’s not unlikely that he won’t have a change of heart and you’ll have to do this alone. I would proceed on that basis and build a life for yourself and the baby when it comes

He sounds like a real gem OP, kinda surprised you were planning a baby with this one

He gets to have an opinion on whether to have an abortion when it's his body, until then he needs to shut the fuck up. However, I do think you need to assume you will be raising this child alone, from what you say it sounds as though even the legal minimum of maintenance will be akin to getting blood from a stone.

Well .....

He was living in a 2 bedroom property and having his children every weekend; paying his ex maintenance and from their messages / calls I'd heard and seen things were amicable.

I announced I was pregnant - and miraculously straight after pretty much he had found a 1 bedroom flat, gave notice and handed in his notice to quit his job and hadn't told me - so yes; if I had known all these things before I obviously wouldn't have planned a baby would I?! But also that's not what I was asking .... but thanks for your opinion.

I think I will just go ahead and start to plan doing this on my own.
I've asked my mum if she will come to my first scan that they've booked for me and I'll attend the booking appointment alone - which I have to do because of covid anyway.

I don't want anything from him if he doesn't want to be part of the baby's life.

Thanks for everyone's help

The moving/engineering a pay cut sounds like he's trying to make bloody sure he doesn't have to pay any maintenance.

As PP have said, you don't have to put him on the birth certificate, and in these circs, I wouldn't. Let him pursue you for parental responsibility if he can be arsed, which he probably can't. Not sure I buy into the "better a completely crap father than no father" view that some people hold - there are some dads so deadbeat the child really is better off without. A father that makes it quite clear he can't be arsed with his child is not going to do that child any psychological good in the long run.