pregnant - partner / ex demanding abortion

[ltmt]

Hello 👋🏼
Have name changed for this

Recently found out I am pregnant. Not sure how far along. Myself & partner don't live together yet. Told my partner (possibly ex now; as he has gone on the missing for the best part of a week) and his first reaction was "it's ok we can do this together" and didn't mention it again.
Fast forward 2 weeks; he has announced that he's moving into a new home; to a 1 bedroom property for him and his 3 children he has from a previous relationship and is telling me to get an abortion.

I don't want an abortion. I am financially ok, I have a stable home and a son from a previous relationship so I know how to raise a child and I can do this alone.

my AIBU is -:
A) AIBU to keep the baby?
B) do I have to keep him involved / informed?
C) AIBU to think him moving to another one bedroom property is giving me a clear signal he doesn't see a future with myself / us as a family?

Thank you for taking the time to read and any comments

Definitely agree with CaraDuneRedux, my ex was becoming violent towards my daughter and trying to help his mistress snatch her. My daughter hasn't had any contact with him and is better for it. At 27 she has no interest in contacting him either.

@AmberAndAlexsMum

Thank you for sharing your story.
Did you have to explain anything to her growing up?

It's all such a mess atm ....
I'm still trying to make head / tail of it

Funnily enough he has just sent me a message "have you booked an abortion yet" so he clearly hasn't changed his mind; but then again either have I

As soon as she was old enough to understand I explained to her that she did not have a good daddy, but she did have a good mummy, uncles, aunt, grandparents and she was happy with that.

What it comes down to is that the child needs to feel safe, and one very good parent can do that better than one good parent and one who couldn't care less, and children are very good at spotting that. At the age of 5 I knew that my stepdad didn't want me, he just wanted my mum's money.

Now text him back and tell him there will be no abortion and to get lost. :)

@AmberAndAlexsMum

Thank you so much.
I did just text him back "no I haven't and I won't be"

So I guess that's it then.
Doubt his behaviour will change - but if it does I'm sure I'll be back here for some more advice

It's me ... again!

Had my scan; I'm 11 + 4

He's been in contact - he's said he's come to terms with it and it's his baby too so he gets a say; if I'm keeping it then he's here and he wants to be at the birth and on the birth certificate
Still hasn't been to see me though.

Apparently he's now not moving into a one bedroom; he thinks he's going to get a council house.

Still not thinking of us as a family so I guess I'm back where I was at before; probably doing this alone. Well, actually I'm not. I've seen my baby and I'm happy - definitely doing this alone

His attitude is crap and i don't like the way he said it's his baby too so he gets a say and wants to be at the birth.

It's your decision who is at the birth and I wonder if his tone is really unpleasant.

Don't let him stress you out.

Do not involve him in the pregnancy.

He wants you to do a horrible 'pick me' dance involving him and the baby.

He has told you exactly where you stand. He doesn't want a future with you.

Your mum could go with you to the various appointments. She could even be present at the birth.

just ignore him.
it's good you've got a supportive mother, that is worth a lot.
that's where your strength comes from.
you don't need wasters like him. neither does your child.
i was bit intrigued that according to the scan you are 11 weeks plus 4 biscuits along in your pregnancy.
amazing what they can tell nowadays.
all the best. this is a hopeful thread. thank you.

mind you, i was never any good at algebra, so perhaps i've got that one wrong. maybe its an equation. what's the difference.

He's been in contact - he's said he's come to terms with it and it's his baby too so he gets a say; if I'm keeping it then he's here and he wants to be at the birth and on the birth certificate

Just want to respond to this -

‘His baby too so he gets a say’ - yes and no. Yes if he parents the baby. No if his only contribution is ‘fathering’ the child as a sperm donor.

‘He wants to be at the birth’ - not his decision. You can invite him if you want to but you are under no obligation to do so. He does not have a right to be there. You are the patient, not him, and not the baby (at that point). A birth partner is their to support the mother, not be a spectator. Choose the person who is best able to support you. That might be him, but probably isn’t. It is a vulnerable time and women do better when labouring with other women around them, not men. This has been evidenced by less material stress and quicker labours.

‘He wants to be on the birth certificate’ - and that is his right. Depending on how you feel, you can either a) arrange to register the birth together (legally, he must attend the appointment to have him name on the certificate) or b) attend on your own in which case you are legally unable to register him as the father and he will have to have your consent to be added or go through the courts to be added.

There are huge benefits to not having him on the certificate if you are a single mother. Your call.

*material = maternal

And I do know the difference between their and there. Really.

Are you getting a feeling for why he is now parted from the mother(s?) of his other three children, @ltmt?

I am intrigued as to how a single man thinks he can get a council house.

Beware of his sudden change of heart and newfound interest in having a dependent.

@alexdgr8 - I'm 11+4 weeks - it was a flower emoji at the end of the sentence; not sure why is saying biscuit to you? Maybe I pushed the wrong emoji - does it really matter?

@mathanxiety - I am definitely getting the feeling why he isn't with his ex yes ... if this is how he acted with her then I am not surprised. Seems to be that when things don't go his way he throws a tantrum.
Yes, I've told him he won't get a council house as there is no need for him to have one he can go and rent himself but he seems to be in some dream land.

I think I'm going to let him know that he has made his position clear on not wanting the baby - saying he's on the birth certificate well, baby isn't here yet. As for having him there at the birth; don't think I want him with his behaviour; he let me down this past month and what if he decides it's "too late" or whatever what I do go into birth and then have to rush to get another birthing partner.

Baby will be having my surname - now I've slept on it I feel a bit better in my own head

He clearly doesn't want too and at 35 you would think he'd behave like an adult but obviously not
Sorry but wanting an abortion for a baby that wasn't planned doesn't make him less of an adult when he already has 3 kids, you have one and don't live together. If anything, his views could be deemed more mature considering your situation.

Most likely he is now questioning whether this was planned by you since you are clear very happy with the outcome.

I don't blame for feeling very confused at the moment. You got what you wanted, he is being forced into something he doesn't. You are in very different position.

Don’t keep him updated, he doesn’t deserve that consideration. Just go to CSA.

Actually I didn’t see the update, sorry.

At the birth? Erm, not unless having him there makes you feel secure and supported. But if he wants to be involved then he should be involved, he’s the child’s father.

Your birthing partner should be there to support you and the baby’s father isn’t automatically that person. In your situation I’d choose another family member rather than my ex.

Definitely give baby your surname.

Provide infrequent but regular (so monthly maybe) updates to your ex. Don’t get involved with arguing about what will or won’t happen later. Look after yourself and baby. A good and concerned father (not boyfriend) would offer to buy baby stuff, check on you health, want to discuss feeding options, want to make plans for sensible access (not EOW with a newborn!!)

Once baby is here you can see what happens but I’d be loath to put him on the birth certificate if he doesn’t show he has baby’s interests at heart. By his actions should you judge him!

Congratulations on your little bean ! You seem strong and ready for this, you're gonna do awesome.
You dont owe him a thing, I definitely would not be allowing him to be with you while you give birth, that time is all about you and looking after you and baby, he has no right, he's just trying to strong arm you and take control.
He can start paying maintenance and you need to give him a visitation schedule. Remember he has no right to unsupervised contact with a newborn, he doesn't get to waltz in and demand to have baby overnight or come to your house whenever he wants. You need to be strong and protect yourself and your baby. He's shown he only cares about himself.
But that's all miles away, just enjoy your growing baby at the moment

@dontdisturbmenow - not sure how this could be planned by me since we was using condoms and we had agreed we would have a baby in the future; when things had settled and we had moved in together etc.

I wouldn't say I was happy no as it isn't the right time but due to my own personal reasons / previous health issues I don't agree with abortion and he knew this from the start of our relationship.
Yes I was worried and not happy at the start; but abortion isn't for me so I've dealt with it and am keeping the baby and making the best of it and I want it.

I've also said he is welcome to completely leave if he so wishes - he's the one who's dipping in and out / making demands. So again; I'm not forcing him into anything.

But nice how you blame the woman for everything.

@flaviaritt I don't want the CSA; for me it's not about the money. If he wants to be involved he can be; if he doesn't thats also fine - it's the dipping in and out and the demands he's making already and mismatched actions. Telling me to get an abortion and then floating back causally saying that it was my fault he hadn't spoken to me. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship previously and I'm getting the same feelings when he was blaming me for him not speaking to me.

not sure how this could be planned by me since we was using condoms and we had agreed we would have a baby in the future; when things had settled and we had moved in together etc
So did the condom split and was he aware of it? It's understandable that if there were used always and it never failed before that he would question how you did get pregnant and even wonder if the baby was his. Many women do go to some extreme to get pregnant especially after 35 when they become broody again.

It's not about blaming the woman, it's about showing some empathy to a man who took steps to avoid a pregnancy which happened anyway and his left with something he just doesn't want and believed he had avoided.

How would you feel if it was the other way around and you find yourself in a situation you didn't want and brought you'd protected yourself against but your partner is i.oising in you (because even if he walks away, the child will still exist)? It's a very difficult emotional situation to be in.

You clearly want that child. If you didn't want it as much as him, you'd have had the abortion or give the child for adoption.

How about give him some more time to process it all. Men often need more time to do so. He still has time to decide that he does want to be a dad after all.

@dontdisturbmenow You are quite literally blaming the woman, shush now and go join redpill.

As you're keeping the baby you now have time to let this play out. Plan to raise the baby alone, don't respond to his texts demanding 'rights'. Just wait and see what he does next. If he calms down and tries to rebuild things a little, you can plan accordingly. If he continues trying to call the shots then you don't have to let him.

It seems to me that he's had time to think about how to turn the situation to his advantage (getting a council house, sure and isn't that just for single teen mums ) but doesn't give a shiny shit about you or the baby. You don't have to bend to him, you can now settle into a happy and healthy pregnancy and just wait and see how it unfolds.

You do not have to have him on the BC or at the birth though.

@dontdisturbmenow

not sure how this could be planned by me since we was using condoms and we had agreed we would have a baby in the future; when things had settled and we had moved in together etc So did the condom split and was he aware of it? It's understandable that if there were used always and it never failed before that he would question how you did get pregnant and even wonder if the baby was his. Many women do go to some extreme to get pregnant especially after 35 when they become broody again.

It's not about blaming the woman, it's about showing some empathy to a man who took steps to avoid a pregnancy which happened anyway and his left with something he just doesn't want and believed he had avoided.

How would you feel if it was the other way around and you find yourself in a situation you didn't want and brought you'd protected yourself against but your partner is i.oising in you (because even if he walks away, the child will still exist)? It's a very difficult emotional situation to be in.

You clearly want that child. If you didn't want it as much as him, you'd have had the abortion or give the child for adoption.

How about give him some more time to process it all. Men often need more time to do so. He still has time to decide that he does want to be a dad after all.

You are essentially blaming her because what? She's come to terms with being pregnant and is now happy she has a baby growing inside her? That makes sense so if any women is happy to be pregnant that automatically means she planned the whole thing.

She could of spent the first two weeks racking her brain over different situations which she clearly has as she stated I can afford it etc
She might have even considered and abortion but that isn't right for her! Heck she might of already had one and knows how bad she felt last time so can't go through it again!

It takes two to make a baby! If he really didn't want another child he could of had the snip! The contraception isn't just down to the female

Bloody hell, he likes ordering you about doesn't he? "Get an abortion" and then "I get a say and I'll be at the birth..." Those are both decisions about YOUR body and autonomy that he has no right to make. He can have an opinion yes; make demands, no!

If you don't want him on the BC register without him. You don't have to have him at the birth either.

You are essentially blaming her because what? She's come to terms with being pregnant and is now happy she has a baby growing inside her? That makes sense so if any women is happy to be pregnant that automatically means she planned the whole thing
I am not blaming OP for being pregnant and wanting to keep it. I'm blaming her for showing little empathy to the impact this has on him. She's come to terms with it and is now happy about it.

He had no control over the outcome he wanted whatsoever and has now to make a decision over something he currently feel she doesn't want that will have a significant impact on his life. It's a lot easier to accept something that is frightening but that you want than something you don't.

Its a lot easier to deal with a significant situation you fully control than one you have no control over at all. So instead of seeing him as not acting like an adult, maybe being an adult is showing empathy and give the guy more time to cope with this situation he didn't want and probably still wishes he could erase.