pregnant - partner / ex demanding abortion

[ltmt]

Hello 👋🏼
Have name changed for this

Recently found out I am pregnant. Not sure how far along. Myself & partner don't live together yet. Told my partner (possibly ex now; as he has gone on the missing for the best part of a week) and his first reaction was "it's ok we can do this together" and didn't mention it again.
Fast forward 2 weeks; he has announced that he's moving into a new home; to a 1 bedroom property for him and his 3 children he has from a previous relationship and is telling me to get an abortion.

I don't want an abortion. I am financially ok, I have a stable home and a son from a previous relationship so I know how to raise a child and I can do this alone.

my AIBU is -:
A) AIBU to keep the baby?
B) do I have to keep him involved / informed?
C) AIBU to think him moving to another one bedroom property is giving me a clear signal he doesn't see a future with myself / us as a family?

Thank you for taking the time to read and any comments

@dontdisturbmenow

@dontdisturbmenow
But she isn't forcing him into anything she is stating that she cannot have an abortion, to which she has clearly stated by saying single mother plenty of times.
He hasn't gave her any other options but abortion then swiftly moved out his two bed into a one bed then to further that quit and took a pay decrease, so he isn't giving her any other option which isn't fair! He clearly isn't taking her feelings into account for him it has no mental impact just another day but for a woman they have to "miscarry" in pain all while dealing with the emotional torment of forcing your body to "miscarry"
And by the sounds of it by demanding to be at the birth instead of I have no come to terms blah blah he can't control the pregnancy so is trying to control her by demanding such things

Do you get to demand to be a spectator at any medical procedure/prostrate exam he has? If not then he doesnt get to demand to be at the birth. Its not "a birth" its you, giving birth.
I would expect him to float in and out of your life. He sounds flakey. I he asks I would provide scans etc because I am nice, but not more than that. I would also definately claim maintenance, but not include it in any financial plans I made (since he does not sound reliable)

@dontdisturbmenow, the OP's focus should be on herself and the choice she has to make. The father's choice was at the time of conception. If men do not want to have children, they need to take responsibility for that. This is not new news. We have know the consequences of sex for quite some time.

Even if he has to pay maintenance, it is a drop in the ocean to the cost of raising a child. He already has 3 tat he is not providing for (see move to 1 bed property).

Women bear the financial responsibility of men's contraceptive failures, not the other way around. You must be ale to see that.

Thank you everyone you've given me some things to think about; the birth etc

I'm going to relax as I have a while before the baby comes so I can attempt to get some plans into place.

@dontdisturbmenow yes the condom must have broke; I wasn't aware that it had but we had been drinking away on a weekend so I assume it must have happened then going by dates etc.
And as you seem to mention age; I'm not 35 - I'm younger - not that it matters how old I am because it's insinuated that I must have also cheated - which I did not for the record. It's his baby. I didn't trap him; or any other theory that could possibly be thought up here. We was using condoms and it failed.
I struggle using hormonal contraception so WE decided that condoms were the best course of action ... again why am I defending my choices and reasons for using condoms and it failing?!

Like I've said; if he wishes to erase it; he has the option to walk away - I won't hold it against him. What I am holding against him is the demands he's making; get an abortion, ignoring me, demanding to be at the birth & on the birth certificate all the while he's downsizing the house & quitting jobs which now looks like a move to pay less CSA to his ex wife and myself - not that I want his money like I've stated. Showing no concern for us as a family / me in this whole scenario.

There I was looking at bigger family cars / triple bunk beds at my home for his kids and all the while he's downsizing his house and changing jobs behind my back!

*Bloody hell, he likes ordering you about doesn't he? "Get an abortion" and then "I get a say and I'll be at the birth..." Those are both decisions about YOUR body and autonomy that he has no right to make. He can have an opinion yes; make demands, no!

If you don't want him on the BC register without him. You don't have to have him at the birth either.*

This! You're the patient and it is your birth, you choose who your birth partner is if you want one. You are under no obligation to allow him to be there.

Similarly with the birth certificate - he doesn't have to be on it and can only be on it if he attends the appointment with you.

I would advise you to register the birth alone. That way you are under no pressure from him re: baby's name and surname. Give the baby your surname or at most his dad's surname as a double barrell or middle name. This man likes ordering you around so I expect is the type to kick up a fuss and demand baby has his surname only or his choice of first name.

This man is flaky already, far easier for baby to share your surname in the likely event of Dad going AWOL and leaving you to do all of the caring.

Dad can still be added to the BC in the future if you want or if he goes to court to be added.

At least this way you can name the baby what you like and have sole parental responsibility. If he is a deadbeat dad he is unlikely to spend the time, money and effort to be added to the BC later on. If he steps up and becomes a proper co-parent he might but at least he will be an invested parent at that point!

@ltmt ignore him OP, he's a redpiller and probably an incel. You don't have to justify your actions to such individuals, they give themselves extreme cognitive dissonance.

Sounds like you've changed one abuser for another. Please don't put him on the BC or he'll be ordering you around for the next 18 years.

Nah, this man is useless. As others have said, don't put him on the BC. Apply to the CSA if you can bear to. Keep his messages about abortion in case you have to go to court, or in case one day your adult child wants to know why you regard her father as a deadbeat. I hope your pregnancy goes well and the baby brings you joy.

I think @dontdisturbmenow has made a valid contribution tbh.

Going it alone @ltmt will encounter twats with shitty attitudes. Arseholes that think single mothers owe them an explanation as to how and why they became pregnant. Woman blaming bellends. Knobrots that think men deserve an opinion on what a woman chooses, or doesn't choose to do with their body. Judgemental sexist pricks. Unfortunately they do exist.

Luckily those types are in a minority, but as all but the most backwards of them realise their wanky views aren't socially acceptable, it's rare they voice them when there's an audience in real life. So it's unintentionally helpful for op to have her first encounter with one of them on a thread where she otherwise has support.

I've told him he won't get a council house as there is no need for him to have one he can go and rent himself but he seems to be in some dream land.

He thinks he can get a council house if he states he has a baby, a dependent.

Watch out. Keep him off the BC. He has ulterior motives in trying to get involved.

I would go ahead and block him, and tell him if he tries to contact you again you are going to construe it as harassment.

I bet he will demand that baby has his surname.

I finally messaged him; after him ignoring me and I said we are over as I feel he has been unsupportive, uninterested and the lies about job etc had come out I cannot trust him. He has clearly made his feelings known by not calling me or coming over as he would have previously.

He turned it round on me; accused me of ignoring him, being distant

He then left it a few days and said "I'm here when you are over your strop"

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders now I've finally said it and ended it because waiting for a change which was never coming wasn't helping