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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To assume he's shagging another woman right now

115 replies

Stressedmessdress · 23/10/2020 23:58

I've been talking to a man every day for the past couple of weeks. We've known each other from work for about 6 months now and have always gotten along well, but he seems to have ranked things up recently. It's almost always him beginning message conversations with me, often multiple times a day.

I asked if he's doing anything fun this weekend because he's in a tier 1 area and he gave me a cagey answer. He then sent me a picture of him driving somewhere at about 5pm. Since then, he hasn't been online on his phone or texted me at all. My immediate reaction is to think that he was driving to meet up with a woman and isn't messaging me because he's busy shagging her right now.

Is this a leap?

OP posts:
MerchantOfVenom · 24/10/2020 00:56

Should I message him?

If you think he’s shagging someone else, why would you message him?

You will come across as pathetic, and pathetic is not a good look. I don’t mean this unkindly - genuinely. Just please - don’t message him.

SuperFairy · 24/10/2020 00:56

Please, let go. You are not in a relationship, his time is his own.

You do come across as a “little” unhinged.....

Butterer · 24/10/2020 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dawnlassie · 24/10/2020 00:56

He then sent me a picture of him driving somewhere at about 5pm. Since then, he hasn't been online on his phone or texted me at all

Not everybody had their phone surgically attached to their hand.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 24/10/2020 00:56

I mean, the fishing suggestion was slightly sarcastic but who knew night fishing was a popular thing?!

Either way, if you're not dating and not had any sort of exclusivity chat then...take it on the chin and talk to him tomorrow about dating.

MerchantOfVenom · 24/10/2020 00:58

If anyone's got any other suggestions of what he could be doing right now that don't involve another woman, i'd love to hear!

Hanging out with mates? Confused

OP - I don’t think you’re in the right place for a relationship.

CallmeFP · 24/10/2020 00:59

He likes you, he texts you, initiates so don’t let yourself get pulled in to feeling insecure.

Mirror him, if he’s busy you be too.

When he does text and he will, act like you didn’t notice he disappeared for the evening.

Original poster
Stressedmessdress · 24/10/2020 00:59

@MerchantOfVenom

Should I message him?

If you think he’s shagging someone else, why would you message him?

You will come across as pathetic, and pathetic is not a good look. I don’t mean this unkindly - genuinely. Just please - don’t message him.

It wasn't going to be a 'hope you're having a nice shag' kind of message, more just a random picture that would make him laugh
OP posts:
CallmeFP · 24/10/2020 01:00

And let him lead with the investment, you’re too invested. Relax and enjoy how things fold out naturally.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 24/10/2020 01:01

If anyone's got any other suggestions of what he could be doing right now that don't involve another woman, i'd love to hear!

Sleeping? Playing video games with a friend? Drinking at his friends house? Doing a yoga YouTube tutorial?

Anyway even if he is with a woman, she's not "another" woman, she's just a woman.

Sparklesocks · 24/10/2020 01:02

You sound a bit overly keen in all honesty. I would dial it back, try and distract yourself and not fixate on what he is or isn’t doing. Don’t stress yourself out over someone you’re not even dating casually.

Original poster
Stressedmessdress · 24/10/2020 01:05

@Sparklesocks

You sound a bit overly keen in all honesty. I would dial it back, try and distract yourself and not fixate on what he is or isn’t doing. Don’t stress yourself out over someone you’re not even dating casually.
Can I blame nearly 2 weeks of self-isolation for this?
OP posts:
MerchantOfVenom · 24/10/2020 01:07

Just don’t message him, seriously.

Needy is not a good look either. Appearing as if you have stuff other than him going on in your life is always a better look than ‘needy’ and / or ‘pathetic’.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 24/10/2020 01:11

Yep, 2 weeks of self isolation has probably made you waaaay overthink this and limited the amount of your usual life distractions. But messaging him at 1am if he hasn't replied since 5pm will probably come across a bit needy and unattractive.

Can you leave the house at all? Or start a DIY or decluttering project? Put your phone in a drawer tomorrow and try not to check it until the afternoon at least.

Absence really does make the heart grow fonder, look at the effect that 8 hours of not getting a reply has done to you! Do the same to him.

yelyah22 · 24/10/2020 01:14

He could be deep in a film, a game, having a long bath, building a Lego model, fishing, having a nap, out on a night drive to clear his head. These are all the things my boyfriend would be doing if he wasn't replying before we lived together!

Or, he's not into you and he doesn't want to reply. There are so many reasons he could be not replying - jumping to shagging someone else suggests you have a bit of an issue with trust, maybe that's coming across to him and he's not keen?

That sounds harsh, but I've been there and it didn't go well!

stretchedmarks · 24/10/2020 01:15

You cannot be annoyed about this.

You aren't exclusive. You aren't dating. You are chatting. That is it.

If you want it to be serious, you need to speak up. You cannot rage at him for not being a mindreader and it'll scare him off if you start demanding answers. If I was simply talking to a guy and I went out, if I looked at my phone and had accusatory messages on it... well it would be the last I'd talk to him.

Red. Flags. Everywhere. Waaaay too much to handle.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 24/10/2020 01:16

Oh god, I developed a massive crush on my amazon delivery driver when I was self quarantined for two weeks because he was pretty much the only real life person from the outside I saw (and he brought me wine and things he needed). And used to leave the packages on my porch and I’d wave through the window. He was so smiley 😃 but it faded when I started to enter the real world. I think that quarantine is making your feelings much more intense than they should be - but so long as you are aware of that and he isn’t it’s not a huge problem. But don’t text him.

yelyah22 · 24/10/2020 01:17

I've just seen he's driving somewhere - if he's tier 1 he could be at the cinema, going to see a friend, going away for the night...

Don't hound him or assume his intentions; it sounds like something from a Cosmo magazine from 20 years ago, but it's just gonna make you feel shit about yourself and him back off. Be upfront with him - if you want to be exclusive, say so!

yetanothernamitynamechange · 24/10/2020 01:19

Also, knowing most men, he is probably just doing an extra long poo (see recent thread on the subject). Even if he isn’t maybe it would be helpful to your crush if you imagined he was?

ClareBlue · 24/10/2020 01:23

He is probably catching up on the 24 Shakespeare plays he didn't get round to reading as a kid. Nobody likes to admit they only read 4 as a child. It's all a bit embarrassing so best to keep it to yourself.

Seriously, why give a fuck. Fill your time without obsessing what he might or might not be doing.

1forAll74 · 24/10/2020 01:24

He might have gone to take some night photography, I knew someone who did this,he had special camera's and such, and took photo's of badgers and foxes and all the little creatures that come out at night in the woods. I don't mean doggers ha ha. although that might be what he is doing !!

VodselForDinner · 24/10/2020 01:25

I hope this guy is able to spot the red flags wafting off of you.

Pumpkinstace · 24/10/2020 01:29

My friend is a vegetarian night fisher.

Weird but true.

PhilCornwall1 · 24/10/2020 01:32

I mean, the fishing suggestion was slightly sarcastic but who knew night fishing was a popular thing?!

Oh it's a thing alright. If I popped down the beach by our place now (not a chance, it's cold!), they'd be lined up on the shore (night fishing always looked to be socially distanced, who knew!! 🤔) with their lanterns, foldaway chairs and rods that are so long, they look like they could reach France!!

If they have partners they must love it, bed all to themselves!!

ClareBlue · 24/10/2020 01:37

It's a thing. Used to get taken as a child. Exciting the first 28 times you do it but by time 187 it loses its appeal.