Do you wish your parents had been more strict?

[Lalaloveyou2020]

I come from a family of five. I think by the time my parents got to me and my younger sibling they had given up a bit (or maybe society had changed a lot between me and their first child). I wish they had been more interested in my studying, in where I went on weekends (off with boys!). Sometimes I wonder where I might be if I had been the first or only child. Anyone else feel this way? It makes me think that if I have children I will just have the one or two.

Actually, no. I think my parents were very fair when I was growing up. I definitely modelled their example with my 2, and they are now both very happy, independent young adults. I did have friends who were left to run wild, and several of them have had a very hard go of it. I think the lack of discipline didn't do them any favours, honestly.

I wish they'd pushed my education a bit more. They were very relaxed about it and were fine about me not going to university. I wish I had gone as I'm certain I'd be capable of a better career/higher salary, but being 'permitted' to go my own way at 18 means that I drifted around for a long time in 'fun jobs' which have curtailed my earning potential in later life! It's much harder to start a serious career at 40 with 2 DC and a mortgage than it might have been in my early 20's.

My mum was strict but also didn't give a shit about my school work. Never mentioned about what I was gonna do after school ended etc. But happy to have firm control of my social life.

Mine were far too strict, to the extent of being controlling. I couldn't wait to leave home. I have always been much more relaxed with my own DC.

I was the middle of 5 children and my parents were very laid back. I think if you have a lot of children you cant be as hands on as you can if you have one or two. They were stricter with my older siblings but actually what I felt was trust and love and safety. They very much left me to my own devises and I was given a lot of freedom, including "off with boys!" , but I always knew they trusted me and would help me if I needed it which gave me both boundaries and safety. They weren't strict but they were open and loving and I'm hoping that I'll be a parent like that because it really worked for me

I was the middle of 3 girls then later on my mom had 2 boys. My dad was very strict on me, I couldn't come home late. He really pushed me in my school, if I got position 2 out of the whole class, he will shout at me why I didn't get position 1 or get A instead of B. I thought it was torcher but now that I am older I see that, he really helped me, it grounded me and I got great opportunities later on, got full scholarship, but sadly for my younger sister, my dad was not always there as my parents were going through separation and divorce, that my sister took a different turn. Now with my kids I try to really push them, what my dad instilled in me.

Honestly I don't think it makes much difference really. My parents were very laid back, they hadn't bern to uni or college themselves and never pushed school work or further education on me or my brothers. They were very liberal parents and from 13 I would be away camping every weekend with friends, getting up to all sorts. My school work was ok but I just did the minimum I could.

Then I decided I wanted a particular career and just got my head down, got to uni and got the job. Nobody had to force me, nobody did.

I think if your really interested then you will do it. Even now, whats stopping you? If you need someone to be strict with you then you'll probably never do it.

I think you need to take responsibility for your own education. My parents were functionally illiterate and actively made uneasy by my school successes, and tried to encourage me to leave at 15. I’m the eldest of a large family, but the younger ones, understandably, ate up their time and attention.

No, because my parents were not strict and trusted me I never did anything against that as I knew if I misbehaved I would lose the freedom I had. We are doing the same with our son, he has 13 and
so far its working sure that may change but we are sticking with trusting him for now

@GlummyMcGlummerson

My mum was strict but also didn't give a shit about my school work. Never mentioned about what I was gonna do after school ended etc. But happy to have firm control of my social life.

This my life. So I find myself in my late 40s plodding through a degree

My parents were more strict with me than my brother, I’m 3 years older than him . They pushed me into GCSE French. I hated French , wasn’t very good at it and got a very low grade. I wish I had been more assertive and said no and taken a subject I was good at, then giving me better opportunity at college.
I wasn’t allowed my ears pierced ( I had them done when I left home!!)
I wasn’t allowed late night shopping
I wasn’t allowed to be a brownie but my brother was allowed to be a cub!!!
I’m more laid back with my boys but they still have boundaries.
My parents are still very much stuck in the 80’s. They haven’t moved with the times , hence our relationship isn’t close. I love them because they are my parents but I’m not upset I live many miles away from them.
I often wonder if it would be better if I was the long awaited for boy they both wanted and that’s why my brother had it easier.

My parents were strict in all the wrong ways. I often joke that I had a childhood out of the 1950s with the tragedy being that I was born in the late 60s.

For my parents, school was everything but they were only interested in academic subjects. DB1 was the golden child, academic, popular with the 'right' sort of friends. DB2 suffered by comparison, not as academic, bullied at school.

When I was born I was the blond haired, blue eyed girl DM had wanted. Sadly I grew up to be distinctly plain and dumpy. Not academic.

All out of school activity was monitored. Only 'improving' activities were approved of. My parents' big fear was that I would get pregnant. How I was expected to manage this given that I was given no freedom I dont know. As I got older I became secretive and gave my parents as little information as I could.

@DramaAlpaca

Mine were far too strict, to the extent of being controlling. I couldn't wait to leave home. I have always been much more relaxed with my own DC.

Yeah I feel like I was suffocated. I left home at 18 with a questionable person just to escape the constant micromanagement. Invasions of privacy by way of reading diary,my mail, rummaging through my room etc.

I was always behaving in a way that meant I made poor choices.
I don't continue to look to them for accountability now though.
We are all flawed humans who make choices and raise kids with the tools we acquire.
Unless serious abuse or neglect then looking backwards thinking "oh if only mum and dad had done xyz" isn't productive and can stagnate your progress.
You want something. You go get it.
You Can change your future.

No. I wish they had loved me differently instead of telling me I didn't meet their exacting standards. I can't remember any hugs or affection but I can remember the many, many negative comments.

That sounds more or less exactly like my childhood. Secondary English teacher now, my parents are proud enough but don’t know much about it, etc.

My childhood sounds very similar in some ways. Once I hit puberty, DPs showed no interest in guiding me or helping me solve problems in life; simply judging my choices as character flaws or saying how stupid/naive I was for xyz. They expected me to achieve educationally but with no time or support as they kept demanding I spent time helping with their business or the house. It was a very negative time for all of us. I still did fine at school but struggled with poor social choices and falling for the first boys who showed me a bit of a affection. I had also little career guidance with DPs steering me towards local uni as they said that they otherwise would offer no help financially (despite me needing to include them on financial assessments). Its taken me a long time to find better boundaries and spend time thinking about my own wants and needs in my 30s.

I wish they had been but I was brought up in an area of low expectations, it was more than just them. I didn’t feel capable or even worthy of trying at education from about 11. My older brother and sister with a big age gap were better supported but the area wasn’t quite as run down, more jobs and role models to inspire. It wasn’t until I joined the armed forces and an old boss encouraged me to retake my exams that I got the rest of my GCSES and passed 3 A levels whilst working full time in 3 years. I probably didn’t need stricter parents I just needed someone to have some belief in me.

Neither of my parents had particularly good education. Both left at 15 and none of my huge extended family went on to finish school never mind go to colleague or university. As such they were totally relaxed about my schoolwork, never pushed me or had high expectations.

Then I remember when I was about 7 or 8 telling my teacher that I wanted to be a hairdresser when I grew up. She said “Duchess...you go home and tell your parents you are going to university”. So that night over dinner, I announced I was going to university....cue a second of stunned silence then my older brothers collapsing in laughter and my parents both looking baffled and then said “we’ll see”.

I did of course...but it was self driven. My parents were proud when I did well at school but never put any pressure on me and were amazed when I did go to university. Had they been pushy, I would probably have rebelled and not tried.

And by the way...nothing against hairdressers here...I am all thumbs so would have been completely hopeless in that line of work anyway!

They were, however paranoid that I would get pregnant throughout my teenage years and were really quite strict about boys and staying out late at night which I found very annoying!

My parents were so strict, so controlling, we lived in lockdown apart from school.

Naturally we all went wild when released as adults. My 20s were spent being the teenager I never got to be. Made horrible choices in men. Didn't have a clue how to choose friends wisely. Used alcohol to overcome shyness,

My siblings also went off the rails big time - in fact, they never recovered.

What I wouldn't have given for reasonable parents, friends, visitors, contact with extended family, navigating the world with kindly guidance and learning slowly.

Went from lockdown to "you can get out now" as an adult

No I don’t. I was not shown love and affection in the way I needed and criticised and parentified by my mother. My father was more tactile but largely absent due to working long hours including weekends. It was made clear my education was of zero importance despite my mother having attended a very prestigious school, thus I was left to rot in a very poor school.

I realised just how poor my education was when I see what my dd was expected to do in year 7, things, I was never taught. The level at 11/12 is higher than I received at 15/16. My mother berated me for doing the a levels I chose and my friend told me to go to university. Thank goodness she did!

Until very recently my mother regularly belittled me. Now I call her out on her comments. I’m late 40s and was most put out a couple of years ago when I told her on a few occasions I would no longer tolerate her calling me dopey. For context I was called stupid regularly and worse as a teen and into my 20s.

I parent very differently. Dds schooling is of paramount importance. She has chosen to go to state school. But it is a very good school.

Oh and I also fell for the first boy to show me any real interest. I thought he was a knight in shining armour to take me away. He wasn’t. He dumped me.

A reminder that we are all responsible for our own happiness (and success) and not our parents. As a parent we can probably never get it quite right because children are all different and what is right for one is controlling/suffocating/indifferent for another! The only requisite for being a parent is showing LOVE for their DC. Everything else is an optional extra and in extremis can be provided by social services. If you feel undereducated, then enrol asap in adult education. Only the uneducated think that education ends with school.

My parents were strict; I was completely suffocated. So of course I moved out at 16 with a totally inappropriate boyfriend and threw away a chance of earlier further eduction.
The strictness didn’t stop me however just caused major arguments and grief for the teenage years and yes I still managed to be out with boys and drink at the park which was probably what was trying to be avoided anyway.
I’m probably the opposite with DC and give them too much trust and freedom so they feel they can make their own decisions; and that they don’t push me away/don’t “move out at 16” to get freedom. Just can’t win really.

No. My parents were loving and caring but not over-invested. I felt loved and cared for, but in the summer holidays I was out on my bike with the kids from my cul-de-sac and I came home for my dinner.
I hate the parenting of today. I find many mums over-parent, and over-invested, and seem to live through their child. My sons friends are all really nice boys, but they have it so good, and don't appreciate that, and there's something about that, that I just don't like.

My parents weren’t strict but they had high expectations and made that clear. I was expected to do well at school, go to uni and get a good job.
They didn’t police me and wouldn’t even have known if I had homework or not. It was up to me to manage myself to gain those goals.
Its taught me to be resilient, practical and procrastinate til my deadline is looming then do it all in a mad stress.