Do you wish your parents had been more strict?

[Lalaloveyou2020]

I come from a family of five. I think by the time my parents got to me and my younger sibling they had given up a bit (or maybe society had changed a lot between me and their first child). I wish they had been more interested in my studying, in where I went on weekends (off with boys!). Sometimes I wonder where I might be if I had been the first or only child. Anyone else feel this way? It makes me think that if I have children I will just have the one or two.

Yes. Same from a family of 5 by the time it came to me and the youngest there's only a year between us we done as we pleased unfortunately teens don't make good lifelong choices unless it is the standard at home.

Mine were too strict. But more harmfully, they always made clear I was a disappointment to them and their love, affection and approval was conditional on my "performance" as daughter, which I usually failed in their eyes. I just wasn't what they expected or wanted.

Many, many years later, after my son was diagnosed with (HF) ASD and ADHD I realised that I probably have both conditions. As a child this would have explained most of the things my parents seemed to despise about me and think I should just pull myself together and snap out of:
Always daydreaming/staring out of the window.
Not focusing on anything that didn't fire my imagination.
Being "rude" i.e. not participating eagerly in small talk.
Struggling to organise myself, remember things, get anywhere on time.

But their strictness was limited to telling me I HAD to do better, that I was selfish not to try harder (at the expensive private school they paid for), that I was hopeless, that I would be a failure in life if I didn't pull myself together. The thing was, I WANTED to (quite a people please r and with a healthy streak of ambition) but they didn't help me with the HOW.

All compounded by the fact that my sister, two years younger, was (and still is) the daughter they dreamed of and felt they deserved. I

I did turn out all right. I'm now a partner in a City law firm (once my ambition found a focus I was well away - I still have my struggles but I've definitely found my niche) but my parents have barely acknowledged that. I think it's so ingrained that I'm the disappointment, they can't acknowledge my success as it doesn't fit the narrative.

When I realised my son was different the best piece of advice I read was that you have to parent the child you have, not the one you think you should have. Known parents spent most of my childhood and beyond trying to make me fit into a box of their choosing. They were very religious and told us what we believed. The lack of autonomy was astonishing. When I was about 12 or so they made me promise out loud that i wouldn't have sex before marriage. I had to sneak around in my teens doing perfectly normal teen stuff in secret and lying about it. I never felt I could confide in them or that they'd be there with their love for me no matter what. I'm aiming to do the opposite with my own children!

Parents can’t win! Either you are too strict and intense and pressurise the child or you are too hands off and then blamed by them as adults who haven’t achieved their potential!

My parents were great very supportive and encouraging but we were naturally swotty anyway

In a way yes. I had almost unlimited freedom and that definitely came with a sense that my mum (single parent) didn't care. I was never pushed educationally at all which caused some set backs but I am doing a Masters Degree with the OU now and I think the want and ability to do that comes from having to be self driven.

There were no rules on what I could watch, listen to etc so I felt I grew up rather quickly. In many ways I'm thankful for this but like I said it comes back to children feeling safe with boundaries and I didn't have any.

No quite the opposite. My parents are wonderful and I was loved, supported and secure so I am not complaining but my mum had very old fashioned ideas.

I was often out of touch with my peer group (tv, clothes, activities) as looking back I can see my mum tried to keep us as children for far too long.

I never watched the shows my friends watched either on too late or not appropriate for a child (I was a teen ) fashionable clothes were 'too short' for 'lose girls' etc..

Sadly it probably had the opposite effect as I had to be more daring to compensate / prove to myself others I was not a child.

Sometimes they just got it plain wrong - I was not allowed to go to the cinema in the next town with my friends as I was too young to ride the bus but I was allowed to spend my evenings at the play park (where there was little for teenagers to do other than make out and smoke pot).

I am definitely more laid back with my dd, We have boundaries but I take my lead from her. She is responsible and respectful and so far open about what she does outside of the house. She knows my trust is valuable and I would always rather know what she is doing even if it is something I am not enthusiastic about than live in blissful ignorance like my parents.

@Lemons1571 oh yes, the guilt.

'Don't worry your father' was a constant. I grew up thinking that men should be shielded from all things female. Periods were something to be ashamed of and kept secret.

My dad was impossibly strict. I was hothoused as a kid, as I was a talented writer and musician (promise I'm not bragging there!). He pushed me so hard in both areas, I lost all enjoyment in them.

He had an iron grip on me in other ways too. He basically expected me to be a tiny adult, not a child. He was often physically and emotionally abusive. He viewed me as an extension of himself, not as my own person.

I ended up going completely off the rails at 15, left home, and didn't speak to him for several years. I resented him deeply.

There is a middle ground some parents are extreme on both sides.

Ha no! I wish the opposite!

Yes! 100%
My mum let me have boys stay over from my teens, bought me alcohol so that I didn’t buy it on the street, was relaxed about bed time or when I had to come in.

But... I fear I’ve gone the other way with my own now.

Its tough, I admit in the past I've blamed my parents a bit for the ways I've messed up my life (secretly, not to their faces) but now I know what pp said is right - Unless serious abuse or neglect then looking backwards thinking "oh if only mum and dad had done xyz" isn't productive and can stagnate your progress.

I've realised that blaming them can be an excuse not to do hard things. "If only I could study, but I can't because my parents didn't raise me that way, oh well guess I'll have to sit here on MN instead".

Looking at people my age, I'd say at this stage (10+ years post school), career success is no longer related to whether they studied a lot. Some bunked off, but later became mature age students and got great careers, or started their own business and is now a CEO. Others went straight in to a great course like medicine, but ended up dropping out. And vice versa for both.

The grass is always greener, I never went anywhere on weekends or went out with boys, and now I'm quite sad that I missed out on that socialising. It sounds great, and no, the studying I did instead didn't lead to a great career to compensate.

My parents were a mix of abusive and neglectful, so no, I don’t wish they'd been more strict, I wish they'd been kinder and less insane.

Mine were a pair of complete bastards, very spiteful and controlling but they were also off their time and generation
It doesn't have to deepen like a coastal shelf, you can work on yourself and do better for your own children, I'm not saying it's easy though🙈
I kept detailed and extensive diaries during my teenage and early adulthood and this has been very useful in unpicking what actually happened when I was younger

No, I was scared of my old man when I was young.

He was one of these where it was "I'll give you a clip round the ear in a minute". When I turned 18 he said that to me and I turned around and told him that I may come off worse, but if you try that, I'll give you as good as I get.

He never said it again.