Do you wish your parents had been more strict?

[Lalaloveyou2020]

I come from a family of five. I think by the time my parents got to me and my younger sibling they had given up a bit (or maybe society had changed a lot between me and their first child). I wish they had been more interested in my studying, in where I went on weekends (off with boys!). Sometimes I wonder where I might be if I had been the first or only child. Anyone else feel this way? It makes me think that if I have children I will just have the one or two.

Since becoming a parent myself, I realise that my parents didn't really do much parenting after about 14. I was pretty much left to make my own decisions. They said if they told me what to do I would just rebel more.

I was given no real advice or direction. Partly because I'm the intelligent one so I would be OK regardless. My dB who is a bit slow was given a lot of help with education and a carer and now is qualified and runs a business. I on the other hand, did completly inappropriate a levels and degree, dropped out of uni, got a job in a call centre and basically took shit loads of drugs until I met dh, I'm now a sahm. I hope to actually get a degree and carer at some point now. But I look back to how much potential I wasted and where I could be now had I had some direction, support and steering in the right direction.

I certainly won't let my 15 year old daughter go to all night raves taking drugs.

I was left to my own devices from an early age, but never really 'rebelled' as a result. I have always been a proactive self starter, able to look after myself, ....however reading some of these posts has got me thinking, it would have been nice to have been 'looked after' a bit more.

I agree it’s rather wet blaming your parents. No one in dh family had ever been to university he essentially felt “on his own” from about 14. He worked hard and ended up at Cambridge reading law. Annoys me to this day that mil doesn’t fully appreciate how well he’s done!

Going to that university was so rare his headmaster set up that he opened his a level results live on local radio 😁

It's interesting because clearly there's a balance to be struck. Some pp blame too strict parents for not doing well, others blame their parents for being too lax. And how much is down to individuals? If the drug takers and school/homework dodgers had had a strict parental figure at home, would they honestly have knuckled down or just found subtler ways to sneak out/avoid doing schoolwork? I'm genuinely wondering by the way, I'm not having a go at anyone. It's the nature/nurture debate that always fascinates me. For me, I think my parents were very supportive and we got along well. I was a very biddable child and teen, too. I didn't need to be told to do well at school - I just did! And I wasn't interested in boys, drugs and alcohol at all so that was never a sticking point. If I had been more into those things perhaps it would have been different.

No, I genuinely think my DPs got it right, the older I get (over 60 now ) when I look back on my upbringing I think I was very fortunate. They were fairly strict in that I had to be home by a certain time (but my DF would always pick me up), they were quite outspoken about some of the unsuitable boyfriends I used to bring home but in hindsight that was good as I've had strong boundaries around forming relationships and seem to have avoided any cocklodger type that you read about on here.

As a teenager I had the usual angst and rebellious behaviour but I think that's fairly normal having raised my own teenager & my DPs were certainly a lot more patient than I was. I was encouraged to do well and had tuition to get me through my Maths 'O' level (just as I had to pay for tuition for my DS!) they didn't stop me when I went to a pretty low level college for a year but were pleased when I then decided to do my A levels and went to Uni.

My dad was very strict about behaviour and tidiness when we were children. Once my mum died we were still made to do chores and be tidy but he didn't have the emotional capacity to take an interest in anything else we were doing. So we ran wild and didn't do anywhere near as well at school as we could have done. So yes i do wish he was more strict during our teens.

I would say that my parents were not very strict in many ways (making me and my brother do chores, restricting our social lives etc), but schoolwork was the one area in which they were strict. It was important to them that we did well academically.

My brother and I both got good exam results and degrees, and have ended up with good careers. So I guess it worked!

Interesting point Free, I have a friend whose DS leads a very chaotic lifestyle (drugs, unsuitable relationships, violence, no job, no home ) and the one thing she says to me is that she thinks she was far too easy going when he was young ... of course you can't be sure but personally I think firm boundaries - and, I know this will be unpopular, but a strong male role model, especially for teenage boys, is important.

My mum was loving but had no boundaries and gave out a helpless vibe in many ways. It’s taken me into adulthood and parenthood to see how much this left me feeling pressure to be ‘in charge’ as a child, and how I lacked the security of an adult being the one in control. I see it in how she is with my kids, when they run away from her when out and about she’ll say ‘there’s nothing you can do to stop them’. As such she used guilt and helplessness as a way to make me comply, because she struggled so much with the idea of boundaries, and I feel that’s had a lasting impact on me that I am trying to undo and not pass on to my kids. She is a kind person though and I feel guilty about criticising her

I am pleased I was given freedom and that my parents weren’t too strict but I wish they had given me more advice and guidance on how to handle it. I got myself in a lot of dodgy situations with men for example which could have been avoided if I had had better self respect instilled in me and some life lessons. I am going to equip my DD better.

@acerred

No. I wish they had loved me differently instead of telling me I didn't meet their exacting standards. I can't remember any hugs or affection but I can remember the many, many negative comments.

I relate to this completely. My father would say "children should be seen and not heard" until the end of his life (93) and he meant all of us. He didn't have an actual conversation with any of his children, ever, so we had no idea who he was aside from his memoirs (he was a German PoW, captured at 19 so had a hard life and most likely PTSD). I left home at 18 for university, didn't go back and worked abroad for 10 years. My father wouldn't accept me in the house for six of those as I was a single parent. My mother did see me but tended to back him up, understandably for their generation. Since his death she has rewritten history and he was a wonderful husband and father.

I've been less strict with DD, although I have pretty clear boundaries. I sometimes wish I'd been more laid back but some of it's inbuilt. As Philip Larkin says "man hands on misery to man; it deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can and don't have any kids yourself" - if you really want to break the pattern!

I do feel a bit like this actually. I was #4 and I don't think they could be bothered by the time it got to me. None of my siblings were very academic and I think they just carried on on the basis that I wasn't either. Actually I was, I got really good exam results and was the only one in my family to go to university. I wish they had taken more of an interest in that side and offered more guidance. I feel like I could have achieved a lot more if I hadn't bumbled along on my own.

My parents were quite strict about things like behaviour and manners but were very laid back about school and homework. We lived in quite an affluent area with lots of competitive families and my mother was horrified by the pushy mums at the school gates who compared which reading books their kids were on. Both my parents hated school and said they were just relieved that my brother and I were happy to go and seemed to enjoy it. With hindsight, I wonder if my brother and I might have been a bit more successful academically if we had been pushed a little more. I don't have kids myself put think that I would be a more pushy parent than mine were (I'm a teacher too and I think we tend to make pushy parents!!)

Very similar to @Lalaloveyou2020

We moved 30 miles away from extended family and basically cut contact when I was 10. We were not allowed out after dark.

I had to walk a different way home from school to the others in my class, including 3 girls who walked passed my house to get home.

As a teenager, (17+) I was on lockdown apart from I was allowed out on a Saturday but had to be home for 11.00.

Was sent to a school I hated and where I was bullied. Then forced into VI form at my brother's school. I used to set off for VI form and then wander around the town centre all day.

I just didn't apply for uni. My parents were not familiar with UCCA as it was then, my older brother had gone to a poly and in those days you only used UCCA for universities.

I spent most of my time at home trying to please and not get into trouble (for things like not clearing away my brother's used mugs).

Mine was far too strict. Even in my 20s, on holiday from uni, I want allowed to take a job that required me working on a Sunday as I 'had' to go to church. I'm sure I was a teen before I was asked to choose what clothes I wanted to wear (heaven forbid I show some individuality). I'm aiming to allow my daughter to become the person she is, not the person I want her to be, much earlier than I was.

I think my parents had a good balance of strict/not strict...eg, they let me go out in ridiculous outfits as long as I bought a coat or let me stay out late but I had to get a taxi or sleep at a friends (as oppossed to get a bus and then walk the last 10mins past a field by myself).

They would have never said "do this subject" etc but had a softer "have you thought about XYZ?" approach.

Pregnancy outside of marriage was my parents biggest fear. I can recall an incident where a small piece of plastic had fluttered out of my pocket as I was setting off for work. DF had found it and somehow decided that it was from a pregnancy testing kit.

My parents had then spent the whole day worrying that I was pregnant. No doubt working each other up into a full scale panic. As I walked in through the front door DF pounced on me, waved the bit of plastic under my nose and demanded what is this. I looked at it and said - it's the plastic which holds the straw on a fruit juice carton.

Both parents visibly deflated! Slightly puzzled I went upstairs. DM followed me up and explained the pregnancy panic thing. Apparently it was my fault they had got into a panic because I didnt talk to them.

This was not the first or last example of them blowing things out of proportion hence my not telling them anything to save on the lectures.

Yes I wish they had been more strict about checking on my schoolwork/pushing me harder with it, enforcing bedtimes/routines, etc... they kept me on a tight leash about going out socially, etc but had no idea what I was doing apart from that.
I did well enough academically with less than optimum effort, but really could have excelled with more pushing. They expected me to do well but didn’t push me, had no idea what I was doing with schoolwork, whether I did my homework or revised etc.
They also didn’t know how I was getting on socially or what I was up to when I was out, although they were loathe to let me out too often.
I always remember feeling like I lacked rules.
As an adult, it took me a long time to stop asking their permission, but I felt like I was behind in being able to set a routine and self-discipline for myself as a result.
With my own kids I try to set boundaries and help them learn how to learn, as a result.

I should add I mean I felt I was controlled but lacked rules.

My mother was a mixture of @Merename and @GnomeDePlume ‘s parents. Guilt was used a lot, she just couldn’t assert herself in a straightforward way. It was emotional warfare really. I too would have been blamed for her worrying all day after misinterpreting a piece of cellophane.

There was much guilting into education (she would have called it “encouraging and supporting”. Things like “a year out is just wasting time” when I wasn’t really emotionally ready to go to uni. And when I was 18 and spent the night in a flat with a boyfriend on our own, she didn’t speak to me for a week (still no real idea why).

And it was highly highly important what the neighbours thought. Of anything. Actually it was important what anyone outside the family thought. It just wasn’t important what I thought or felt.

No. My parents were too strict. Especially about churchgoing. My mum hit us and shouted, lost control regularly. The damage to my self esteem has screwed me up big time.

Mine were a bit clueless when it came to the modern world (bless them!) but they had a very accurate idea of my reliability.

I was one of four and I think they struck the right balance with all of us. The only one who threw them as a teenager was my elder brother who got drunk a couple of times- they really weren't prepared for that, which they probably should have been But I thought then, and I still think, that it was actually my brother's job to remember that his parents were strongly anti-drink and work out how much he could take without averse effects. He was 15, not a baby.

As for homework, they didn't supervise much, but they loved learning themselves and were totally inspirational, but not controlling. Two of us went to uni and eventually got PhDs, one went to uni but dropped out after the first semester and set up his own (successful) business, one tried various jobs and ended up in the Merchant Navy. They were proud of all of us. But also made it clear we were responsible for our own life choices.

No, I wish they'd been less strict. Perhaps then I might have grown up with some self-confidence.

@WitchesSpelleas yep. I totally agree.

@MsTSwift

I agree it’s rather wet blaming your parents. No one in dh family had ever been to university he essentially felt “on his own” from about 14. He worked hard and ended up at Cambridge reading law. Annoys me to this day that mil doesn’t fully appreciate how well he’s done!

Going to that university was so rare his headmaster set up that he opened his a level results live on local radio 😁

I think it does depend on the child. Some children need more affirmation and encouragement to succeed but other children are very self disciplines and motivated