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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends new partner has moved in already - is it all going too fast?

79 replies

LouisesPleasingCheeses · 23/10/2020 11:03

I have a really lovely friend, we have been very close since primary school and she is now a single mum with two gorgeous boys, living in her own house.

She is very kind and tends to always see the best in people...and often pretends she can't see the worst in them.(head in the sand kind of thing) Since her long term relationship with the boys father broke down she has had a few short and fairly disastrous relationships, all with a similar time line - introducing the boys very quickly to the new partner, holidays together and then new partner moving in with them all...all happening within the first few months.

Anyway - it's happening again and I don't know what to do or say, if anything. She met this guy in August and it all became very intense, very quickly. We have lots of other mutual friends and apparently he moved in with her a few weeks ago, as he is "between places" 🤔 He is doing school runs, driving her car and her garage & shed are full of all his things, plus his kids have all been staying there too, obviously introduced to her boys too.

I am so worried about her. Her last partner was violent and abusive and she vowed she wouldn't take the same risk again exposing her lovely boys to someone new (that she basically barely knows) so quickly...and yet, here she is again moving SO quickly. She hasn't even known him three months yet!

I know she has been terribly lonely and yearns to have a family unit again, but I really fear that her need/want for this to be "the one" is really clouding her judgment . And I'm worried about her boys and the effect on them...and I'm worried he is yet another abusive cocklodger chancing his arm and getting his feet under HER table.

Should I say something? She is very vulnerable and is being very evasive in our messaging about how involved she is - I only know most of this through our mutual friends, I think she knows, deep down, that this is too quick and can't bring herself to admit it.

It's breaking my heart, tbh. I so want her to have the happy life with someone she loves that I know she craves, but this all seems like she's repeating the same pattern again...and it ended so, so badly for her last time.

Should I say something or mind my own business?

OP posts:
JackAndJillsBucket · 23/10/2020 13:39

oh i've just seen your later update OP, your friend has already heard of the Freedom Programme - please urge her to actually go on it.

Fluffycloudland77 · 23/10/2020 13:40

I went to college with a girl who got engaged 3 times in two years, I wonder if she ended up like this.

Some people just can’t be alone.

Lampan · 23/10/2020 13:42

I would be wary of any man who wanted to move in so quickly, especially into a household with children. I would have a lot more respect for a man who was less impulsive and took a bit longer to decide how the relationship was proceeding.
But everyone else is right, there’s very little you can do except wait and help her pick up the pieces if/when it ends. Could you arrange a catch up with her, not to speak about it but to subtly see how she is?

userxx · 23/10/2020 14:00

I would have a lot more respect for a man who was less impulsive and took a bit longer to decide how the relationship was proceeding.

This. If a man was trying to fast forward the relationship, it would kill it for me but "these" types of men go for a certain woman, they know their pray. Its bloody painful to watch and I begged my friend to slow down but he was very persuasive. Its a horrible toxic set up.

GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin · 23/10/2020 14:05

Your "really lovely friend" is a neglectful mother putting her children at risk yet again.

I agree with this. A friend recently lost custody of her children because she was deemed to have placed them at risk by her relationship - she was just so desperate to have a relationship that she ended up with an abusive guy, and her children were exposed to his awful behaviour and treatment of their mother.

Far easier said than done, but she needs to stop the revolving door of partners just so she isn't alone.

Rhine · 23/10/2020 14:07

I work in a Primary school and see the damage this kind of thing does to kids. It creates terrible self esteem problems, particularly in girls.

It never fails me how quickly some women will move their whole family in with a fella she’s only known five minutes. Just as en example, one child’s parents split up shortly before lockdown. Mum has already moved in with and is pregnant by someone else!

Thinkingg · 23/10/2020 14:09

I can see your concerns and share them. But honestly, if you are in a happy relationship, I don't see how your views can go down well. Being single, particularly a single parent, during covid, must be incredibly difficult. I can see why, somewhat blinded by falling for someone, she would convince herself that moving in together is the best choice.

If you feel you can bear to, I'd try to say nothing and just non-judgementally be there for her and the kids, in case it all falls apart.

soffiee · 23/10/2020 14:10

I have a friend on FB like this and she's had 3 boyfriends move in and out since lockdown (3 men moved in and out in a space of 7 months). She's also divorced with 2 kids and the drama she shares on FB is entertaining BUT very worrying for her children. She has self esteem issues and she doesn't get it. I've seen so many posts on her FB of ''when you know you know" since she divorced 4-5 years ago with countless men in her life . I don't understand the deadbeat fathers, how can you stomach this leaving your 2 vulnerable daughters/children be exposed to such dysfunctional home life? My husband would apply for full custody if I ended up like this.

These men are random strangers she picks up from bars and pubs and moves them into her family home with two young daughters. You should know having children means prioritising their needs and safety and when you divorce or split, children are still pretty much part of the package. No one is saying you can't have a relationship just because you're a single mother, but be fucking mindful you desperate fucking cows. Get to know the man, discard them as soon as you see the first red flag before even introducing them to your kids let alone moving these losers into your family home and letting them exploit you. Some women never learn no matter what you say.

Thinkingg · 23/10/2020 14:12

I think the pandemic has made many couples move much quicker than usual (myself included). In all the cases I know of, it's worked out well. Obviously with her history and her young kids this is much more risky. I think she's taking an unreasonable risk. But I also think, don't judge her by normal times, it's an awful time to try to get by on your own.

Imworthit · 23/10/2020 14:17

If its not right for the kids then thats a different problem I was just saying not all quick moving relationships are a bad thing. It's not in it's self a sign of neglect. I know a couple that have been married 40 years. She went to his house to see a friend and never went home. I've had relationships that moved so slow they never went anywhere. From the sounds of it OP doesn't know the man and is judging from her friends past mistakes alone. No wonder her friend doesn't want her involved.

dottiedodah · 23/10/2020 14:19

LouisesPleasingCheeses I agree children must come first obviously. It is certainly not good that your friends DC have been introduced ,and are now living with yet another "Uncle".My only real point was that a lot of my friends have deliberately put off any kind of R/L ,while their DC were young .(The opposite of your friend really) and are now more or less alone while their children are into R/L, and beginning to settle down .I think our whole society is geared towards the"Family Unit" though, and many people can feel they need to find a "replacement husband " ASAP! This is obviously not good ,but often even well intentioned friends will try and "matchmake" and as my own (twice divorced )friend told me when its dark and cold and you want someone to talk to ,most people are hunkered down with their families ,exasipating the feeling that they "should" be with someone too.Very difficult for those who dont enjoy being on their own, to resist the temptation to find another Guy ./Father figure .Obviously a live out partner would be preferable esp since she has experienced a damaging R/L previously .Maybe speak with her about your concerns ,but if she doesnt like what you say ,you risk losing her as a chum ,and also her boys if they can come to you with any concerns?

Imworthit · 23/10/2020 14:21

I think you need to put a stop to your dynamic with your friend OP. Stop treating her like an idiot that can't think for herself. Sounds like you've gotten into a really unhealthy victim/saviour thing.

thepeopleversuswork · 23/10/2020 14:21

Imworthit

Fast moving relationships may be fine for two childless people. If there are kids involved its a whole different ballgame.

Under any circumstances its a bad idea to move a bloke in after two months, there aren't any shades of grey to that whatsoever.

Obviously we can't know anything about the bloke but even if he were the perfect father it would be a bad idea for him to move in that fast. Given what the OP knows about the friend's low self esteem and desperation to be in a relationship at any cost, its clearly a massive risk.

flaviaritt · 23/10/2020 14:30

Her behaviour sounds selfish and risky, but there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

flaviaritt · 23/10/2020 14:31

She went to his house to see a friend and never went home.

😂

Imworthit · 23/10/2020 14:38

Encourage her with councilling then, be a listening ear. Most people don't respond well to being told how to live/judged. I'm just saying she won't get the response she wants by being automatically against it. Most people are fuckin contrary like that. I've been in abusive relationships/bad situations and the tough love shit never worked.

Imworthit · 23/10/2020 14:46

@flaviaritt

She went to his house to see a friend and never went home.

😂

I know I love that story. Sounds like an abduction but it wasn't, they just clicked. Talked for three days straight and never looked back. Her actual friend just got bored at some point and went off to tell her parents to expect wedding bells 😂🤣😂
BlueThistles · 23/10/2020 14:59

She's reckless ..selfish.. self centered and irrational because make no mistake OP, this is ALL about her, her needs her wants and she must be desperate for SEX, to move a guy into her kids safe haven. She is an idiot and I feel terrible for her boys, there are no excuses for this behaviour. so No OP you are not being unreasonable. Flowers

user1471538283 · 23/10/2020 15:45

Being a single mother is hard. I'm doing it. I would never dream of doing this even now and my DS is an adult. There are some women like this. Desperate to be seen as visible and attractive. I know one. In 12 months she had 2 live in boyfriends and numerous staying over. Another "friend" just had men interchangeably. When I asked her once if she missed her ex she said she didn't miss him she missed being part of a couple. How is that normal?

DrCoconut · 23/10/2020 17:03

People look at me like I have 2 heads when I say I'm happy single. I've been a single mum for 3 years now and am nowhere near being ready to think about dating let alone moving someone in. But I'm content with my own company and love having peace and space in my home (though I sometimes debate the peace and space aspect with 3 kids 😂). I have no room in my life for a relationship at the moment but society is geared up for couples and you're considered strange for being long term single. It's actually sad that a revolving door of different "partners" is often thought of as more ok than none. I'm not saying any relationship is wrong, just not for me now and not at the expense of children's well-being.

Storyoftonight · 23/10/2020 17:04

@DTIsOnlyForNow

Your "really lovely friend" is a neglectful mother putting her children at risk yet again.
Here we go again. In what world do people think it's acceptable to come on here and call people bad parents.

OP, all you can do is express your concerns. The choice is ultimately hers.

SuitedandBooted · 23/10/2020 17:30

In what world do people think it's acceptable to come on here and call people bad parents.

She is a bad parent. She puts her desire to be in a "relationship" above her children's safety and emotional well-being. Or do you think living with a procession of short-term boyfriends is good for kids?

DTIsOnlyForNow · 23/10/2020 17:38

Here we go again. In what world do people think it's acceptable to come on here and call people bad parents

In this world, when they are clearly and demonstrably bad parents. Which OP's friend is, if the situation is as laid out.

If you are a single parent and keep bring a sucession of unknown new "partners" into the lives and home of your children, when you don't even know them, you ARE a bad parent.
Frankly, if you don't see a problem, I'd be worrying about your epically low standards.

Original poster
LouisesPleasingCheeses · 23/10/2020 19:45

Thanks so much for all of your replies. It's really helped, just hearing others experiences, positive or negative.

I definitely need to at least sound her out, don't I? I messaged her this afternoon and we're actually meeting up tomorrow (low risk tier) so I'm going to speak to her about it. I haven't a clue how it will go, but I suspect badly. I

Honestly, Mumsnet is so great at times Flowers for you all.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 23/10/2020 19:48

good stuff OP 🌺

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