Friends new partner has moved in already - is it all going too fast?

[LouisesPleasingCheeses]

I have a really lovely friend, we have been very close since primary school and she is now a single mum with two gorgeous boys, living in her own house.

She is very kind and tends to always see the best in people...and often pretends she can't see the worst in them.(head in the sand kind of thing) Since her long term relationship with the boys father broke down she has had a few short and fairly disastrous relationships, all with a similar time line - introducing the boys very quickly to the new partner, holidays together and then new partner moving in with them all...all happening within the first few months.

Anyway - it's happening again and I don't know what to do or say, if anything. She met this guy in August and it all became very intense, very quickly. We have lots of other mutual friends and apparently he moved in with her a few weeks ago, as he is "between places" 🤔 He is doing school runs, driving her car and her garage & shed are full of all his things, plus his kids have all been staying there too, obviously introduced to her boys too.

I am so worried about her. Her last partner was violent and abusive and she vowed she wouldn't take the same risk again exposing her lovely boys to someone new (that she basically barely knows) so quickly...and yet, here she is again moving SO quickly. She hasn't even known him three months yet!

I know she has been terribly lonely and yearns to have a family unit again, but I really fear that her need/want for this to be "the one" is really clouding her judgment . And I'm worried about her boys and the effect on them...and I'm worried he is yet another abusive cocklodger chancing his arm and getting his feet under HER table.

Should I say something? She is very vulnerable and is being very evasive in our messaging about how involved she is - I only know most of this through our mutual friends, I think she knows, deep down, that this is too quick and can't bring herself to admit it.

It's breaking my heart, tbh. I so want her to have the happy life with someone she loves that I know she craves, but this all seems like she's repeating the same pattern again...and it ended so, so badly for her last time.

Should I say something or mind my own business?

I have a friend like this. She's now in her 50's and still going from one 'serious' relationship to another, each time moving the man in, each time getting engaged, with an ecstatic social media photo of the ring, each time getting dumped/dumping him after 6 months or so.

She has 3 children, all now adult. None of the children had much, if any, contact with their biological fathers. All of the children moved out of the family home as soon as they were able to do so, and they don't have a lot to do with their mother. They were sadly neglected by their mother during childhood, but she wasn't able to see it, and can't understand why her children aren't close to her now.

Daisy12Maisie

The dad should be ashamed of himself but that's no reason for the mum to grasp at any passing man to fill the void.

My daughter's dad has never done any of the above either and doesn't pay me a penny in maintenance but that doesn't mean its OK for me to move a bloke in after less than two months.

The solution to the absence of a dad isn't to grab the nearest bloke you can find as a surrogate dad, its for the mum to step up and provide for the children as best she can.

I would feel like you do I think if this was my friend .However unless you think DC are at risk ,not much you can do really. Sadly lots of Mums are like this and crave a "Boyfriend " in their 30s/40s .Being a single Mum is very hard and lonely, from what my friends in this position have said .Its all good for those of us in happy long term R/L ,to judge those who havent been quite so lucky.Several friends of mine (now in their 50s like me) didnt want to have a R/L at all while DC were growing up ,but now are on their own in Middle Age ,and while not impossible to find a new partner more difficult I think as you get that bit older (not old obv!)

I remember talking to one of the mums at school - she said she and her partner were splitting up and she was moving into a flat - she pointed it out - she hadn't moved in yet.

When I saw her the next week she said she'd met someone new and he was now living with them in that flat. She'd met him and he'd moved in in the week since I'd spoken to her. My son said that her son said in school that he had two dads now.

She is not necessarily a neglectful mother but she is not doing a proper risk assessment and is putting hers and her boyfriend's needs over those of her children

She is.

My former housemate met a bloke when we were on a girl's night out and he moved in the very next day! She didn't sleep with him for ages but it was weird when she was like "Oh btw Bob's moving his stuff in today"...

They got engaged less than a year later and she was excitedly making wedding plans. He turned out to be gay.

dottiedodah

"Being a single Mum is very hard and lonely, from what my friends in this position have said .Its all good for those of us in happy long term R/L ,to judge those who havent been quite so lucky."

Being a single mum is hard -- I wouldn't say lonely personally but its hard, undeniably. But constantly casting around for another bloke to replace the dad isn't the solution.

It's not about judging, its about protecting the children.

There are ways of having a romantic/sex life without moving a man into your home and imposing him and his needs on your children. And if the man you've found won't tolerate this and pushes to move in before the children are ready he isn't the right man. In that scenario the woman is always better off alone.

There are men who will step up and become a good stepfather but its a long, slow process. You won't find them by rushing to bring them into the household before the children are comfortable with it.

In a best-case scenario, moving a man in after two months will distress and confuse children and heap loads of unnecessary pressure on a relationship. It's just never worth it.

Does she have kids? Has she checked with Claires law that he is safe?

“Being a single Mum is very hard and lonely, from what my friends in this position have said .Its all good for those of us in happy long term R/L ,to judge those who havent been quite so lucky."

I’m a lone parent my ex isn’t on the scene so yes I do know , I’m still judging heavily , there is women on the single parents group that have stated they are with their children 24/7 so any man will just have to accept them and their children from day one. Because I don’t agree with that I’ve choose not to date yes it’s lonely but my kids will always be my priority

If she hasn't learned her lesson from her previous relationships, which were presumably very painful for her, I doubt that unsolicited advice will make any difference.

Either say something or find a way to support her building her self esteem.

Your "really lovely friend" is a neglectful mother putting her children at risk yet again.

A million percent this. Don't enable or support her in this in any way.

There’s not much you can do. This is fairly standard for some people. Just because you don’t agree with it (and I’m with you on this) doesn’t mean fast relationships don’t suit some people. If she was single she’d more be more unable to cope than she can in a bad relationship. Some people need someone constantly, and a bad relationship suits them more than none. It’s the way they get through life, so the kindest thing is to leave her to it.

Partner came to stay after a week. Never left. One year on and couldn't be stronger. No kids tho. Friends got together at the same time and did the same. She has two kids. Sometimes if it's right it's right. Covid makes it much harder to take things slow. I'd leave it unless they are fighting. More likely she'll fall out with you for judging

@thepeopleversuswork

She is not necessarily a neglectful mother but she is not doing a proper risk assessment and is putting hers and her boyfriend's needs over those of her children.

I have been with my boyfriend for two years and I would not consider moving him in for the foreseeable if ever even though he has shown himself to be more than trustworthy. The risk to my child and the upset to her stability just isn't worth it.

Have you ever talked to her about the fact that moving men in really quickly is generally a risky thing to do? Did you talk about it after the violent bloke?

I'm going to go against the grain and suggest you do speak to her about it: she will probably be angry and upset and may push you away but she will take some of it on board. I think if you are her friend you should put your concern on record. If she chooses to ignore you you will have done what you can.

Yes, after the last relationship broke up and it all came out how abusive he had been, we talked loads about it. About her self esteem etc She was very angry with herself and was talking about doing The Freedom Programme (which I had never heard of, but looks like such a great resource. I don't know whether she actually did it, though.)This is why she has been so evasive, I guess. I'm certainly not going to be cheerleading for her and she knows it.

I think if I talk to her it will definitely blow up. I think her defenses will go up and we will have a row. It's very cowardly, but I'm even hoping she'll see this and the responses and that it could be a wake up call, a harsh one admittedly. I still can't quite believe that this has happened, tbh.

Givemeabreak88 No, I don't think so. She barely uses social media, because I think that underneath it all she knows it's not good and doesn't want to shout about it. Seems very common though, doesn't it?😔

@Northernsoullover

Oh believe me my friend knew I wouldn't approve. It took 6 months for her to tell me he'd moved in. I think it was bang out of order. Yes, it seems to be working but the odds were stacked against it. She is simply one of those people who cannot bear to be alone.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there.

LouisesPleasingCheeses

I'm sure you're right that her defenses will go up: she's mentally and emotionally committed to this bloke now and won't thank anyone who calls her on it. It's a really tough one and you don't want to push her away and leave her without friends if she needs them, which she may well do when this relationship goes south.

Is there a way to signal to her clearly that you think she is doing the wrong thing but that you will remain there for her regardless?

Some people just cannot live without a man of any kind and generally end up with losers and the kind of cocklodger who sponges off single mums.
I had a friend like that, different man every month. Her son is an adult now and absolutely hates her, said her constant dysfunctional relationships ruined his life.
Sadly there is nothing you can do.

dottiedodah I understand where you're coming from, but don't agree. Does that mean that the opinion of everyone who is fortunate to be in a long term (happy) relationship is worth nothing? Surely enough people have empathy & intelligence and can imagine how hard it must be? I have seen it first hand and it has clearly had a massive and heart wrenching affect on her. But it's not just about her, is it? There are children involved and surely they are the most important thing.

@Daisy12Maisie

I think the dad should be utterly ashamed of himself that she is so desperate she has some random assisting with the school run. The kids will tell him if he doesnt already know. I assume he wont be shocked into offering to do at least 50 % of the school runs. Not good moving a man in with her children but it's the childrens dad thats at fault for not taking responsibility for the children and leaving the majority of it to her.

Wow. There really is at least one person on every thread to make it the man's fault. Jesus Christ. For all you know, they could have 50/50 custody.

Imworthit

"Sometimes if its right its right".

Sorry, huge copout. What if it's not right for the kids?

She's putting her own wants above the safeguarding of her children. That's basic parenting she's failing at.

A group of us had a friend like this. We stopped trying to help when we realised she was the sole agent of her decisions, and she was actively damaging her children. SS were informed but it seems she can put on a good show of "concerned motherhood".

Your friend needs to put a stop to this dynamic.

Is access to the Freedom Programme something she could consider?
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ (it's a free course designed to interrupt repeating abuse victim's own patterns, helping them to see and introspect on what that dynamic is, and how to avoid it in future)

It sounds like she needs external help to see how harmful this situation is, both for herself and her children.

Unfortunately it may be that she's not ready to explore this until the latest relationship goes wrong, but i'd seriously urge you to mention it to her because a surprisng number of people haven't heard of it, even in areas where i'd assumed it was well known (eg. adult social work, educational settings, etc).