Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL 'nice' but not nice? How to handle it

42 replies

Aloneagainornot · 21/10/2020 23:09

MIL suggested I get fine thread veins lazered off my face. I have roscea and it has affected me but I have made peace with my face after years of despair about it. I no longer give a fuck but I do wonder about the motivations of people who offer unsolicited 'help'. She has previously bought me expensive clarins face brush so she obviously thinks my skin problems are her business. I feel under scrutiny from the skin inspector. AIBU?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2020 23:10

"I'm happy with my skin, thanks."

DrManhattan · 21/10/2020 23:11

Tell her you have got her vouchers for counselling, to work on why she needs to be so passive aggressive.

Fellow sufferer btw.

OwlinaTree · 21/10/2020 23:11

I don't know, she could be trying to help? But it's misguided and unwanted.

Have you told her how you feel about your skin? 'Thanks but no thanks, I know I have rosacea but I'm fine with how I look thank you.' if she is nice she'll leave it then.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 21/10/2020 23:12

@DrManhattan

Tell her you have got her vouchers for counselling, to work on why she needs to be so passive aggressive.

Fellow sufferer btw.

This is brilliant and really made me life.

YADNBU OP. I really can't imagine how anyone could think that kind of comment would be helpful. If you wanted to know about treatments you could google it yourself. Sounds like she has self esteem issues she's projecting on you.

gower4 · 21/10/2020 23:16

Patronise her deliberately and explain that it's very bad manners to talk about other people's personal appearance. Explain as though you are telling a child.

Girlzroolz · 21/10/2020 23:40

I’d say ‘It’s so strange that my skin bothers you so much, as it doesn’t bother me at all. I never notice my skin until I hear you bring it up. I doubt anyone else thinks about my skin either.’ Then I’d give her the Hmm face. Every time until she stopped.

Or ramp it up and make it a family joke that Granny is your Beauty Advisor. Extra pointed if she’s no oil painting herself.

quelquechose · 21/10/2020 23:43

YADNBU

‘The Skin Inspector’ GrinGrinGrin

Can you ask your DH to have a quiet word?

mrsmacmc · 21/10/2020 23:51

@DrManhattan

Tell her you have got her vouchers for counselling, to work on why she needs to be so passive aggressive.

Fellow sufferer btw.

Fab response! My mil is sneaky, I rarely see her (my choice!)
SimplyPizza · 21/10/2020 23:57

Gosh There’s just no pleasing some people. Maybe she was just trying to be nice and not “nice”? I’m sure if she didn’t buy you anything you’d be complaining about that too.

Elsewyre · 21/10/2020 23:57

@Girlzroolz

I’d say ‘It’s so strange that my skin bothers you so much, as it doesn’t bother me at all. I never notice my skin until I hear you bring it up. I doubt anyone else thinks about my skin either.’ Then I’d give her the Hmm face. Every time until she stopped.

Or ramp it up and make it a family joke that Granny is your Beauty Advisor. Extra pointed if she’s no oil painting herself.

But it caused the OP "years of dispair", they weren't not bothered.

Could be mil has correctly picked up on that discomfort and is offering support to solve the problem?

Why is the response to make some childish bullying response I'd expect from a teenager?

The OP could just repeat her op at the mil and treat her like an adult.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 22/10/2020 00:00

YANBU! My ex MIL bought me Paul McKenna "Think Yourself Thin" once. I was a size 12 and had a newborn Hmm

Justmuddlingalong · 22/10/2020 00:00

I'd go with a big tut and an "oh for fucks sake!"

AndyBurnhamIsAwesomeYay · 22/10/2020 00:01

I suppose your MIL is perfect, no stray whiskers, flawless skin, perfectly manicured eye brows, make up applied to professional standards, wonderfully coiffured hair at all times, the latest in clothes, perfumed smelling breath and her shit doesn’t stink........Hmmmm I think not.

Nip this behaviour in the bud sharpish. Tell her you did not ask for her opinion on your appearance, you are offended by her comments and you do not want to hear another word on the subject. If you don’t feel like telling her your DP should be in your corner and should tell her straight.

Sarahsah4r4 · 22/10/2020 00:02

How about a very abrupt 'what are you, the skin police?'
😈

Sarahsah4r4 · 22/10/2020 00:03

Or next time pick on some aspects of her appearance and offer her advice on how to correct it 😈

Italiangreyhound · 22/10/2020 00:16

Can you be honest and say "My skin is fine and doesn't bother me. But I don't like people commenting on it." Then just rinse and repeat!

Thanks
hadtojoin · 22/10/2020 00:17

I think she is very tactless and I agree it is not her place to decide how you look. I have roscea as well so I understand your feelings I find it embarrasing and very personal if anyone comments about it and it makes me more self-concious. I rarely use make up but if I go to a wedding or 'do' when I will meet strangers I have found that this covers really well, lasts all day and doesn't look too heavy. www.boots.com/clinique/clinique-full-range/clinique-redness-solutions-makeup-spf15-30ml-10114965

LilQueenie · 22/10/2020 00:20

There is well meaning advice and well thought out advice. neither have to fall into the category of actually trying to be nice. I used to get the same from a family member. Until the day came when they utter. "you would look so much better if.."

fuck right off. That says more about them than anything.

Livelovebehappy · 22/10/2020 00:20

If you’ve voiced you’re unhappy with your skin previously, it could be she’s just trying to help.

Screamnastic · 22/10/2020 00:34

Be straight forward. "I prefer not to talk about my skin, would you please not mention it again?" Then if that doesn't work "let's change the subject". I'd definitely ask for no more skin related gifts.

You don't need to explain or justify your feelings, I wouldn't enter into any detail. If pushed you could do as others have suggested. It is unkind to give unsolicited advice and a critique of her looks or body would be unlikely to go down well.

RubyFakeLips · 22/10/2020 00:46

You think she bought you an expensive clarins brush all as a rouse to be pass agg and what undermine you?

I'd just get DH to let her know its not something you're interested in and that the commentary makes you uncomfortable.

I think she probably is trying to be nice but is misguided, you also don't know whats been said to her.

Elsewyre · 22/10/2020 00:55

[quote hadtojoin]I think she is very tactless and I agree it is not her place to decide how you look. I have roscea as well so I understand your feelings I find it embarrasing and very personal if anyone comments about it and it makes me more self-concious. I rarely use make up but if I go to a wedding or 'do' when I will meet strangers I have found that this covers really well, lasts all day and doesn't look too heavy. www.boots.com/clinique/clinique-full-range/clinique-redness-solutions-makeup-spf15-30ml-10114965[/quote]
So you've just done exactly what the mil did, give unsolicited advice on the "problem".

BumbleFlump · 22/10/2020 01:26

The face brush is quite a thoughtful gift but the lazering of thread veins entirely up to you. TBH is does just sound like she’s trying to be genuinely helpful I don’t think there’s and negative feelings behind it.

laramacleopardprint · 22/10/2020 02:00

Definitely ask her why your skin bothers her so much the cf. I actually had lazer treatment for thread veins and it made an amazing difference, totally gone. After years trying to cover up with concealer. Was so worthwhile for me.

CustardyCreams · 22/10/2020 04:48

I suspect she genuinely means well, just say to her, you prefer to handle your skin yourself and it makes you feel sad and self-conscious when she tries to help you fix it.

My MIL is lovely but she is also always trying to help me with my skin. I have vitiligo (I’m pale skinned so if I stay untanned it doesn’t show too much) and my skin is incredibly sensitive. . She often says how I’d “look better if I got a bit of sun”. In lockdown I accidentally sunburned and she even complimented me on “having a bit of colour” ( it was sore and red for ages).

I have given up explaining I have a skin condition as she thinks sun exposure and creams will cure me. They won’t. I just ignore her efforts to help now.