MIL 'nice' but not nice? How to handle it

[Aloneagainornot]

MIL suggested I get fine thread veins lazered off my face. I have roscea and it has affected me but I have made peace with my face after years of despair about it. I no longer give a fuck but I do wonder about the motivations of people who offer unsolicited 'help'. She has previously bought me expensive clarins face brush so she obviously thinks my skin problems are her business. I feel under scrutiny from the skin inspector. AIBU?

[popcornlover]

Did her comment come out of nowhere or was it part of a conversation in which you mentioned your skin? The way the comment came about will help people understand if she was being mean or kind.

[Aloneagainornot]

@justilou1 that's hideous. On reflection I've realised I'm being a bit unreasonable and she basically means well.

[justilou1]

If it makes you feel better, my MIL is obsessed with sex and keeps sending me hideous, nylon lingerie (in her size not mine, so eeeeew) and sex toy catalogues, etc... Makes opening presents in cafes rather awkward.

[Aloneagainornot]

I'm with you custards creams I think she does mean well probably but sometimes I want to escape. Ha she probably feels the same! Thank you for your lovely reply and love to ya.

[justilou1]

I would buy her tweezers and a magnifying mirror. See how she likes it.

[saraclara]

Such childish responses to this from many posters.

How about "thanks MIL. But all the advice I've had from the dermatologist is that these things won't help. So I've come to terms with my skin and it isn't something I want to dwell on any more. I'm all about perfume (or whatever) now if you're thinking about Christmas presents"

[RunBackwards]

Just tell MIL how it makes you feel?

None of the PA responses here will help or make OP feel any better.

[Aloneagainornot]

Obviously I'd be in therapy if she were buying me thongs. Things things! I can't navigate the blinking posts very well.

[Aloneagainornot]

No not really I don't expect her to buy me thongs why would I?

[Aloneagainornot]

It's probably my MIL ha ha

[Sarahsah4r4]

@Hollyhocksarenotmessy

You know in your gut whether she's being tactless, or disguised bitchy.

Tactless, have a polite but firm word that you are already managing the condition and it's not necessary for her to make any more comments or try to help.

Bitchy, give as good as you get!

I have a tactless mil. She looks at me thoughtfully for a few seconds then blurts it out. So far on the themes of my being very pale, having very wonky teeth, and being overweight. Astoundingly rude but luckily i can laugh on the whole. The teeth comment hurt at the time. Funnily enough her other DIL went non contact years ago, and she is mystified as to why.

What does she do if you are astoundingly rude back though?
people who dish it out should be able to take it don't you think?

[VettiyaIruken]

Have you told her how you feel;and asked her to stop?
If not, it might be a good idea to try that before going down the PA / early comments / eye rolls route.

If she is genuinely trying to be nice, she'll apologise and stop.
If she's being 'nice' she'll show it and you'll know where you stand.

[curiouscat1987]

I had multiple laser sessions for my rosacea and it didnt help for what it's worth. I think it's quite different from 'normal' thread veins, and you'd probably need 5+ sessions at £100+ per session.

[Hollyhocksarenotmessy]

You know in your gut whether she's being tactless, or disguised bitchy.

Tactless, have a polite but firm word that you are already managing the condition and it's not necessary for her to make any more comments or try to help.

Bitchy, give as good as you get!

I have a tactless mil. She looks at me thoughtfully for a few seconds then blurts it out. So far on the themes of my being very pale, having very wonky teeth, and being overweight. Astoundingly rude but luckily i can laugh on the whole. The teeth comment hurt at the time. Funnily enough her other DIL went non contact years ago, and she is mystified as to why.

[alwayscrashinginthesamecar1]

I can't believe the posters on this thread doing exactly what the MIL is doing. How rude!

[Thewiseoneincognito]

OP thread veins can look unsightly, I’d recommend using The Ordinary Glycolic toner after cleansing. Follow with a good serum regimen and you should see results fairly quickly

[Sertchgi123]

Tell her that your skin is not up for discussion. End of.

[CustardyCreams]

I suspect she genuinely means well, just say to her, you prefer to handle your skin yourself and it makes you feel sad and self-conscious when she tries to help you fix it.

My MIL is lovely but she is also always trying to help me with my skin. I have vitiligo (I’m pale skinned so if I stay untanned it doesn’t show too much) and my skin is incredibly sensitive. . She often says how I’d “look better if I got a bit of sun”. In lockdown I accidentally sunburned and she even complimented me on “having a bit of colour” ( it was sore and red for ages).

I have given up explaining I have a skin condition as she thinks sun exposure and creams will cure me. They won’t. I just ignore her efforts to help now.

[laramacleopardprint]

Definitely ask her why your skin bothers her so much the cf. I actually had lazer treatment for thread veins and it made an amazing difference, totally gone. After years trying to cover up with concealer. Was so worthwhile for me.

[BumbleFlump]

The face brush is quite a thoughtful gift but the lazering of thread veins entirely up to you. TBH is does just sound like she’s trying to be genuinely helpful I don’t think there’s and negative feelings behind it.

[Elsewyre]

[quote hadtojoin]I think she is very tactless and I agree it is not her place to decide how you look. I have roscea as well so I understand your feelings I find it embarrasing and very personal if anyone comments about it and it makes me more self-concious. I rarely use make up but if I go to a wedding or 'do' when I will meet strangers I have found that this covers really well, lasts all day and doesn't look too heavy. www.boots.com/clinique/clinique-full-range/clinique-redness-solutions-makeup-spf15-30ml-10114965[/quote]
So you've just done exactly what the mil did, give unsolicited advice on the "problem".

[RubyFakeLips]

You think she bought you an expensive clarins brush all as a rouse to be pass agg and what undermine you?

I'd just get DH to let her know its not something you're interested in and that the commentary makes you uncomfortable.

I think she probably is trying to be nice but is misguided, you also don't know whats been said to her.

[Screamnastic]

Be straight forward. "I prefer not to talk about my skin, would you please not mention it again?" Then if that doesn't work "let's change the subject". I'd definitely ask for no more skin related gifts.

You don't need to explain or justify your feelings, I wouldn't enter into any detail. If pushed you could do as others have suggested. It is unkind to give unsolicited advice and a critique of her looks or body would be unlikely to go down well.

[Livelovebehappy]

If you’ve voiced you’re unhappy with your skin previously, it could be she’s just trying to help.

[LilQueenie]

There is well meaning advice and well thought out advice. neither have to fall into the category of actually trying to be nice. I used to get the same from a family member. Until the day came when they utter. "you would look so much better if.."

fuck right off. That says more about them than anything.