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Original poster

To call it day due to ex and stepchildren

111 replies

Isthisenough237 · 21/10/2020 17:48

So name change for this and please bare with me. Me and DH have been married 3 years together 5 both were split with ex’s before we met. I have 3 DS from previous marriage and he has 2 DC from previous marriage, we have no DC together. My DS go to ex EOW and we have his DC 50/50 (3 days one week and 4 the next- so 7 out of 14).
His ex is constantly causing issues turning up at house with sweets for her children, demanding we have them on her days, wanting us to do her school runs, wanting money for clothes (she claims all benefits for both children and we provide all clothing here, school, holidays etc). Even on her days we are bombarded with messages every single day despite them being 9 and 13.
Today the 9 year old (DS) has stated he doesn’t want to come here tomorrow as when playing in the garden last time my DS hit him. EX is now kicking off about my son being a thug etc! I tend to supervise the garden bar popping in for the toilet and the only things I am aware of was her son kneeing my son in the face- both my DS said was a pure accident on the trampoline and despite being the same age as my youngest he weighs about 4kg more so caused a large bruise to his face but wasn’t a big deal as accidents happen. The other was him weeing in the garden on purpose when I went to fill the dogs water bowl so he was sent in side as that’s not acceptable.
There is always some sort of problem or drama from DH ex and it’s so draining but now my children are being bought into it I am literally at the end of my line

OP posts:
momtoboys · 21/10/2020 18:43

This situation sounds awful. DH needs to step up and take care of this situation. Especially the childcare issue.

Eddielzzard · 21/10/2020 18:44

What SBTLove said - you will not be providing any childcare because ‘you’re not their parent’

AmelieTaylor · 21/10/2020 18:44

It would be bad enough with all her drama IF DH had your back, but he doesn't.

I'd have told her they're just as much DH's children & how you arrange your domestic life is NONE of her business. (Ie who disciplines any children in the house) because frankly I wouldn't live with anyone whose children I couldn't discipline. My house & I'm an adult.

DH should have long ago put down his foot re her casual attitude to doing stuff fir her and to laying for things, but he hasn't.

If he's goi g to treat you like this and allow her to treat you like this, I'd be out if there with MY kids & leave him to sort his own big bloody mess out.

Two rude kids, one drama ex, one DH who doesn't have your back... no fucking way

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/10/2020 18:45

@Dontbeme

yet I am expected to have them next week in half term as I am off work

What does their dad have to say about the childcare for next week then? You cannot have them as they have told lies about your DC and you could be next, would he defend you if his DC told lies about you, you could be in a very vulnerable position OP, that and you have been told to keep your nose out, it can't work both ways.

Totally agree with this. Your husband will have to arrange his work schedule to take care of his own children, he cannot be allowed to delegate it to you, a woman who is " not allowed to discipline [stepson] as [husband's ex] says I am not his parent and I am to keep my nose out (ex’s words)".

And yes, however much of a nightmare his ex and children are, your real problem is him - your husband. He does not have your back, and his insistence on turning a blind eye to his own children's misdemeanours is starting to reap 'rewards' - his daughter's treatment of him, and his son's lying.

Do NOT be dragooned into caring for his children next week! Time at your house is time for them to spend with their parent, so your husband needs to be looking after them, not you. You will be keeping your nose out, as per their mother's request.

MeridianB · 21/10/2020 18:49

@Devlesko

Why don't women ever learn, they are an ex for a reason.
Because it’s not a universal truth. Good men sometimes leave appalling women.

In this case, though, one moron split up with another moron! Grin

Eviebeans · 21/10/2020 18:52

Why can't their mum look after them next week

FizzyGreenWater · 21/10/2020 18:53

I am not his parent and I am to keep my nose out (ex’s words) yet I am expected to have them next week in half term as I am off work

'Ah sorry, I'm not going to be able to have little Dwight in half term after all. Why? Oh, I tohught it was best that I keep my noise out - after all, I'm not his parent'

:)

Don't fucking do the half term!!!

AintPageantMaterial · 21/10/2020 18:54

If you felt that your contribution to family life was respected and supported and valued by your DH then you wouldn’t be considering ending the release over this. His kids are just kids - they try it on sometimes. The issue is definitely that your dh is showing no gratitude, respect or support for you or your parenting.
Lack of respect is deadly in relationships.

mercutio12 · 21/10/2020 18:56

She doesn't work and they expect you to look after their kids on your week off??

Your DH is a prick for even considering this. LTB.

LyingDogsLie1 · 21/10/2020 18:57

*If the DSS is going to make up accusations, your DH will need to be with them all the time that they are in your house.

You cannot be left in sole charge and obviously your DSS's mum won't want you watching them if she thinks your DC will potentially hurt hers.*

This with bells on. My SS makes up false allegations and is known for it at at school etc. But because the social have to be made aware when it happens outside of school I won’t have him alone as I don’t want the hassle of defending myself.

I also agree re not providing childcare. Again, this is something I stopped as SS has been violent and I will not tolerate him either being violent towards me (he has before) or otherwise making false allegations up that have the potential to jeopardise my career or my own sons homelife.

I can really see why you’re tempted to leave. It doesn’t sound like your DH is doing enough for YOU and is just taking advantage whilst letting you bear the brunt of the crap. It’s easy for him to just nod and go along with the Mother whilst you are doing the donkey work. Think about it - is it actually affecting him and given his response does he actually care?

It’s one thing for you to be disrespected in your own home, but quite another for your DC who deserve a happy, settled homelife and not all the upheaval and anguish these kids are causing both you and them.

TheTrollFairy · 21/10/2020 18:57

Wait, you were going to have the kids on half term when the mum doesn’t work? I’m all up for people having a break from kids but she gets her downtime daily when they are at school.

I would be outta there, your DH doesn’t care about your feelings in this at all

SBTLove · 21/10/2020 18:58

If I was you I’d be taking your own DS away for a few days and let drama queen ex and your Daft arse H sort out childcare for the brats.

DishingOutDone · 21/10/2020 19:03

Have you bought this house together OP? Do you jointly own it? Just thinking about what your options are.

scubadive · 21/10/2020 19:06

In my experience, all my friends in this situation have had the same issues.

Children hate being thrown together with children from other families. It’s not fair on them. They often clash, get jealous and suffer emotionally because of it.

I don’t think any relationship is worth putting your children through it.

arcof · 21/10/2020 19:09

If you don't actually want to break up and want to make it work then you'll have to do the following:

  1. No childcare for his kids, they are only to be there when he's there and he is to look after them during that time
  2. He manages all discipline of his kids in line with a mutually agreed set of rules that you agree between you. If he's not looking and something happens with one of his kids, he is to trust your version of events without question and deal with it accordingly
  3. He's not to talk to you about what the ex said or burden you with any issues related to her or what his kids do and don't want to do, whether they want to come or not, that's for him and ex to deal with only and you don't want to hear it
  4. If she changes any arrangements, he is solely responsible for managing this with her

His kids and ex are not your problem.

Jenstar123 · 21/10/2020 19:19

Well doesn’t DH’s ex sound like a delight 😂 No way should you look after them during half term - If DH can’t because he is working then their Mum can look after her OWN bloody kids!
Even without the DS lying about the garden incident it sounds like they don’t show much respect when they are round your house. DH needs to address this and they need to learn to respect you and your DC. (But you will probs get the step mum hating crew along soon to tell you how awful you are, like it’s totally fine he pissed in the garden the poor little angel) Hmm

Enoughnowstop · 21/10/2020 19:21

why is your DH signing up to have them at half term if he is not going to be there and the ex does not work?

Children are a joint responsibility. Doesn’t matter what she does, she doesn’t have to be responsible 100% of the time for their children.

That doesn’t mean, of course, he gets to pass on the responsibility to a new partner (or mother, or sister...)

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 21/10/2020 19:21

I guess I feel slightly differently. If I got married to someone this is the kind of issue I'd be prepared to work through together. Unless DH is a total deabeat and leaving you to do everything this isn't something I'd just give up a marriage for without trying to work through it. (It might be something that makes me pause before marrying someone but once actually married I'd at least try to make it work).

Original poster
Isthisenough237 · 21/10/2020 19:21

Half term seems to always fall on our 4 days to have them and he is running behind on a job so couldn’t take it off- she will NEVER have them extra and is always trying to palm them off more while maintaining she is super mum Hmm
I booked it off to have time with my DS and then there dad planned a family break with his new partner and her kids and asked if they could go and they wanted to so we split the week so they could do both so from Wed- Fri we just have DH kids here before they go back to mums.

OP posts:
LyingDogsLie1 · 21/10/2020 19:23

Are you saying you’re spending your annual leave without your kids but with your DH’s? That’s insane! I’d cancel my annual leave.

stackemhigh · 21/10/2020 19:24

I will not be providing childcare next week after this

Good! Is she expecting you to have them in her half of half term even though she's not working?

Original poster
Isthisenough237 · 21/10/2020 19:27

DH is supportive of me in general and treats me well it’s just things relating to his ex etc that cause issue and 95% of any arguments, I do of course love him or I wouldn’t still be here!
My contribution is good enough when I take her kids on holiday and day trips, but even that’s an issue when she forgets to be home the day after we get back (despite having our travel info) on her day for kids and says well tough I have gone shopping with mates you will have to keep them till I am ready

OP posts:
timeforanewstart · 21/10/2020 19:28

I wouldnt provide childcare for children i couldn't discipline fall stop , even a friends child i would expect whilst in my care if they were jumping on sofa etc to tell them to get down or pull them up if they were rude and even more so in my own house

Princessbanana · 21/10/2020 19:29

Don’t do it, he think you have door mat wrote across your forehead and what’s worse is that the ex thinks the same.

AuntyFungal · 21/10/2020 19:29

@LyingDogsLie1

Are you saying you’re spending your annual leave without your kids but with your DH’s? That’s insane! I’d cancel my annual leave.
This ^^ with bells on.

Unless it becomes DH’s problem, nothing will change.

How many other school holidays do you cover?