To think that this is unacceptable?

[BigMC93]

DP and I have been together for almost 6 years and have a 3 month old together. DP has always had a terrible habit of calling me names during arguments, e.g. moron, idiot, piece of sh*t, spastic twat, asking me "are you really that stupid?" etc. If I'm being honest, I grew up in a house where my mother was being beaten by her partners, and I think I always thought it was acceptable to be called names as long as he wasn't hitting me. Although, I don't speak to him in the same way as I've never had the urge to.

Last Sunday we had a row which escalated and resulted in him throwing the Next2Me across the room (DC was in my arms) and calling me a piece of sh*t. I started packing my bags to leave, when his parents got involved. Despite knowing how he had spoken to me, his mother told me not to leave and said "how would you feel if he said he was going away and taking DC with him?". In the end I stayed as I wasn't sure if I was being fair taking his child away for a few days. (I did mention at the time that DP could come and see DC whenever he wanted, and that I just needed a few days to clear my head and think about the future of our relationship. His mother said that he wouldn't have time as he was working).

The next day DP offered to contact the Doctor about Anger Management classes, and was given contact details for Men to Men (or something like that). A week goes by and I asked DP if he contacted the Men to Men and he told me "No, I keep forgetting". I told him that I was annoyed by this, as it doesn't seem like he's taking it seriously given that it doesn't take a week to send an email, and forgetting isn't good enough given that I told him I'm leaving him if it happens again, as I don't want DC growing up in a volatile household. He thought I was being unreasonable for "attacking" him about it, and that I should be more supportive as he needs my support right now to work on his anger.

AIBU for thinking the following:

1. His mother was wrong to say that I shouldn't take his child away for a few days despite what happened?
2. He should have contacted Men for Men sooner?

Thank you in advance

Others are right that MIL has a vested interest in seeing her son as good and the victim rather than abusive. You cannot trust her and I really wouldn't talk to her about any of this. Talk to friends and family who care about you and who you think are sensible and trust the judgment of. Dh has had anger issues which have been a struggle. Marriage counselling did help if only in breaking some of emeshment with PIL where I felt I had very little say in my own life! DH has seen this somewhat and things have improved but I feel like if I have to be very vigilant around him and it and killed the trust and love. Lundy bancroft 'why does he do that' is essential reading for you to understand that he does this to get 'special treatment' and privileges over you like you never calling him out on his behaviour. MIL will also excuse any behaviour of DHs including times it has sadly been physical. It goes in the extended family to and is explained away that DWs need to support their DHs because its 'part of their MH'. Its all explained away but you know what happened and how you feel. Go with your gut and seek support.

It's you now, but in a year's time he'll be treating your toddler like this. Do you want him calling your DC fucking stupid and throwing things because they're not cooperating?
It'll only stop when your son is bigger than him.
And never stop if you have a daughter.

@CremeEggThief

I would go if I were you. He doesn't respect you.

This.

It will get worse, not better.

he has no intention of doing anything about his temper.

Pleaseleave - you and your baby deserve better than this.

STOP listening to his mother!

You know she’s going to be biased.

Pack your bags and leave. Please. This is unacceptable.

And remember, you’re choosing this life but you’re forcing it on your innocent child who doesn’t get a say in the matter.

If he wants to get help that’s fine. Great, even.

But you don’t need to stay in this environment while he gets it!

Your MIL is, of course, biased towards your DP. You cannot trust her opinion.

Unfortunately you're with a horrible disrespectful man. In a few years it will be your son/daughter he is calling a "spastic twat" and who will be witnessing your toxic relationship. Most men are better than this. Even if you can't find a better one in future, no man at all is ten times preferable to one like that.

His mother was wrong, your instincts were sending a very clear message. Have strength in your beliefs. You sound like a fantastic mum to put your baby first.

Keep on giving in to him. Keep on accepting unacceptable behaviour. Keep on listening to his mother with her detrimental advice. Keep on being someone who reminds him to get help and being ignored. I can assure you nothing will change and will escalate.

Or pack your bags and leave and do what's best for you and DC

It’s very awkward but yeah maybe you should have just gone... child or not I wouldn’t have anyone telling me where I can and cannot go. Even if it was just for a night to clear your head.

Always bear on mind that his mother will have her own agenda regarding any advice she gives you. Plus she only sees snapshots of your relationship, she's not living with it day to day and treading on eggshells waiting for your DP's next explosion.

As someone who grew up with a father whose temper was like a coiled spring, get out of there. Your child will thank you for it.

his mother told me not to leave and said "how would you feel if he said he was going away and taking DC with him?". In the end I stayed as I wasn't sure if I was being fair taking his child

If it’s said again reply with - I have to put the physical and mental well being of my child above yours - which is what you have to do.

Her motivations don't really matter - could be denial he's like this - she's used to and normalised this level of violence, fear that if you leave she'll be in firing line - belief that you're the solution to her son's problems, fear she'll lose contact with GC, belief that you don't matter and GC will somehow be safe - literally anything but it's not your problem so it doesn't matter.

You have to do what's best for your child and you and it's hard to see how that's staying at the moment.

His stupid cunt of a mother needs to wind her neck in.

Get rid of this abusive twat asap.

If she dates to ask you that again, the best reply would be
I would be so ashamed of myself that my abusive behaviour made my partner flee with our child.

I would leave and never go back to him, even if he does complete anger management.
It's his own fault your leaving with his child, he's abusive and he's dangerous.
His dm is being very unreasonable.

Don't pay any more attention to his mother. She does not have your best interests at heart. Were you supposed to walk out and leave your three month old baby with an angry man who had just thrown his bed across the room?

Wow, the way he's made him abusing you into your failure to support him is scarily manipulative. He does not have your or your DC's best interests at her, OP. Please don't be swayed by him or his mum's emotional blackmail. You know what's right and you don't want your DC growing up around this toxic behaviour. A course ain't gonna cut it, because he thinks he's right, he just needs to keep you in line.

Get out. Now. His mother was probably spoken to like that by her husband (your husbands father) and can't see any wrong. If she wasn't, she's just looking at her son through rose tinted glasses.

It is not OK to be spoken to and treated like that, and you do not want your child growing up in that envrironment.

Your MIL is totally unreasonable and the fact your partner keeps forgetting to contact Men 2 men means it's not a priority for him. Please leave

I have an adult son. In this scenario i would tell my son to get the hell out and never treat a woman like that again. I would also support the mother of my grandchild as best i could. I wouldn't turn my back on my son, but an ongoing relationship with him would be conditional on him not acting like a dick.