To think that this is unacceptable?

[BigMC93]

DP and I have been together for almost 6 years and have a 3 month old together. DP has always had a terrible habit of calling me names during arguments, e.g. moron, idiot, piece of sh*t, spastic twat, asking me "are you really that stupid?" etc. If I'm being honest, I grew up in a house where my mother was being beaten by her partners, and I think I always thought it was acceptable to be called names as long as he wasn't hitting me. Although, I don't speak to him in the same way as I've never had the urge to.

Last Sunday we had a row which escalated and resulted in him throwing the Next2Me across the room (DC was in my arms) and calling me a piece of sh*t. I started packing my bags to leave, when his parents got involved. Despite knowing how he had spoken to me, his mother told me not to leave and said "how would you feel if he said he was going away and taking DC with him?". In the end I stayed as I wasn't sure if I was being fair taking his child away for a few days. (I did mention at the time that DP could come and see DC whenever he wanted, and that I just needed a few days to clear my head and think about the future of our relationship. His mother said that he wouldn't have time as he was working).

The next day DP offered to contact the Doctor about Anger Management classes, and was given contact details for Men to Men (or something like that). A week goes by and I asked DP if he contacted the Men to Men and he told me "No, I keep forgetting". I told him that I was annoyed by this, as it doesn't seem like he's taking it seriously given that it doesn't take a week to send an email, and forgetting isn't good enough given that I told him I'm leaving him if it happens again, as I don't want DC growing up in a volatile household. He thought I was being unreasonable for "attacking" him about it, and that I should be more supportive as he needs my support right now to work on his anger.

AIBU for thinking the following:

1. His mother was wrong to say that I shouldn't take his child away for a few days despite what happened?
2. He should have contacted Men for Men sooner?

Thank you in advance

His Mum does not either yours or her grandchilds best interests at heart. For whatever reason, she is prioritising her son. This could be because she has normalised this sort of behaviour. There are a hell of a lot of people out there who don't take this sort of stuff seriously and will try to make you take responsibility for it - which is what his Mum was doing when she guilt tripped you into staying.

He needs to do the course and he needs to do all the running himself - he needs to make the arrangements and get himself there no matter what.

His Mum needs to stay out of it as is not able to make rational decisions based on the info in front of her.

Calling you those names and throwing things has nothing to do with anger. People get angry all the time, I bet you get angry all the time, do you call people spastic and a piece of shit? Do you throw things at people? Does your DP call his mother a spastic, or throw things at his boss?

He doesn’t have an anger problem OP, he has an abuse problem.He can go to all the anger management classes in the world, they won’t solve an abuse problem.

His mother is putting his desire to see his child above his childs need to grow up in a safe environment free from verbal abuse. And to me that's wrong. It's unfair for him to have a break from his child as a result of abusive language but it's fair for the child to witness abusive language?? What planet is that the right way round? She is basically saying it's ok to speak to you like that and there will be no consequences for him.

So he shouts at you, you're the one suffering from it, yet hes the one that needs support, yet encouraging him to call them isnt the right type of support?

I'm sorry to say he won't change because he doesnt want to - he actually thinks it's all your fault, for 'making' him angry and 'not supporting him'. He won't change unless he really genuinely believes he has a problem and really wants to. If he felt like this he would be ashamed and embarrassed and desperate to get some help. Until then it's pointless trying to make him. I am sorry but it's part of him, you can tell from his actions he was brought up to think it is acceptable, he has people around him saying its acceptable...I will say it again, he won't change.

Am firmly of the belief that people can change, however the change has to come from him, and the, 'oh, I keep forgetting...' means that he has not grasped how serious the situation is. (if you chose to call the police, it would be an assault)

Yes, you need to leave until he has changed. He has a violent temper which he is not controlling.

That he would do this while you are holding a small baby....

Have heard good things about Men2Men.

It's not acceptable for him to call you names either. Don't listen to his parents, they sound as toxic as he is

If something really matters to you, you do it. "I keep forgetting" means I said it just to shut you and am now pissed off you are calling me out on my lies.

My ex husband was like this with me, I put up with it for years but eventually left when we had a young child and it carried on in front of him, and I do not regret it at all. Even if he changes one day its not your responsibility to hold out for that "maybe". You don't owe him that at all.

Please prioritise you and your DC today, you both have your whole lives ahead of you and neither of you deserve this shit

Are you living with his parents?

I agree with pp, that this is not on at all.
It is only a matter of time before he hits you.

If he does the class, and if it makes a difference, and if he genuinely changes, then maybe start again.
And if you are living with his parents, time to move.

You are right. Nobody should have to live like that. You have made the right decision for you and your baby to leave.

His Mam would like you to stay because it's better for her to not have her son be the bad guy. Maybe that's what his home life was like growing up but that's not your problem or responsibility.

OP you really do just need to leave. He is going to do the bare minimum to make it look like he's making an effort to change without ever actually comitting to it.

Your mil is very wrong here. She is probably just thinking of herself and maybe he is abusive because he's come from.a abusive house hold too?

Those names are vile and imo worse than swearing. Nobody talks to people like that. Its extremely nasty and abnormal.

Turning it around on you and saying you are unsupportive is disgusting, it is his issue and he needs to sort it out, which he is not doing. Pack and go. He should do the classes anyway, but honestly he is unlikely to change, this is who he is.

I barely got past your first sentence and thought she needs to leave. Fuck his parents, they are enabling this. God it makes me so cross hearing things like this. Who the hell does he think he is

Totally wrong. Make steps to leave him. He's not going to change.

How about you call his mother the names he calls you and see if she finds it acceptable.

Run and don't look back. Don't you and your child deserve better. No one who loves you...or actually even liked you would speak to you like that and act like that.

You need to leave. As another PP said, it won’t be long before your baby is a bit bigger and will definitely grow up thinking this is normal. It isn’t.

Does he also talk to his colleagues like that as he’s flinging the printer around when he gets angry at work? I bet he doesn’t. I bet he manages to control any anger at work.

I’m sorry this happened to you. His mother is in the wrong. He needs to seeing help now. This is domestic violence. You are in danger. Your baby is in danger. HE needs to get help and his mum needs to mind her own business. I hope he gets help

He thought I was being unreasonable for "attacking" him about it, and that I should be more supportive as he needs my support right now to work on his anger

That might almost be a brilliant get-out clause if it weren't so batshit. "Don't say anything ever about my failure to do anything about controlling my anger because that will make me angry and you're supposed to be supporting me to work on my anger". Take that to its logical conclusion and he can spin out failing to do anything about his anger for decades.

The reality is, of course, that he is saying the answer to his anger problems is for you to give in in on everything. And he is showing you that sorting this out isn't any sort of priority for him. I'm afraid if anyone is walking away from your relationship, it is him.

I'd have been gone the day the word 'spastic' crossed his lips, tbh.

Next time he calls your name tell him to go stay with his parents or you go away for a few days. Don’t listen to his parents because obviously they think it’s acceptable to be spoken to like this but you need to break that otherwise your child will end up being spoken to like that

I am always shocked by the lengths some people will go to to minimise abuse. She is not on your side, she sounds like she will say whatever it takes to protect the illusion of a normal family.

You knew he was way out of line and that you need to get out of there. Follow your instincts and don’t let either of them try to explain away his awful behaviour.

Please prepare leave. He is saying all the right things about how he needs help etc. I doubt he has any intention of following through.

He threw a next2me! That’s not a small item. I imagine if it had hit you or DC his parents would be saying oh it was an accident it won’t happen again.

His parents have his back not yours, and don’t forget this if you leave. They want what is best for him and them not you.

When is he going to start talking to your child like that? Calling them names, getting angry with them? You do not deserve being called names like that, it is unacceptable - and your child doesn’t deserve having to hear it or be on the receiving end when he eventually gets angry at the child. It will happen.

Leave him. This is abuse, he is abusing you.