To think that this is unacceptable?

[BigMC93]

DP and I have been together for almost 6 years and have a 3 month old together. DP has always had a terrible habit of calling me names during arguments, e.g. moron, idiot, piece of sh*t, spastic twat, asking me "are you really that stupid?" etc. If I'm being honest, I grew up in a house where my mother was being beaten by her partners, and I think I always thought it was acceptable to be called names as long as he wasn't hitting me. Although, I don't speak to him in the same way as I've never had the urge to.

Last Sunday we had a row which escalated and resulted in him throwing the Next2Me across the room (DC was in my arms) and calling me a piece of sh*t. I started packing my bags to leave, when his parents got involved. Despite knowing how he had spoken to me, his mother told me not to leave and said "how would you feel if he said he was going away and taking DC with him?". In the end I stayed as I wasn't sure if I was being fair taking his child away for a few days. (I did mention at the time that DP could come and see DC whenever he wanted, and that I just needed a few days to clear my head and think about the future of our relationship. His mother said that he wouldn't have time as he was working).

The next day DP offered to contact the Doctor about Anger Management classes, and was given contact details for Men to Men (or something like that). A week goes by and I asked DP if he contacted the Men to Men and he told me "No, I keep forgetting". I told him that I was annoyed by this, as it doesn't seem like he's taking it seriously given that it doesn't take a week to send an email, and forgetting isn't good enough given that I told him I'm leaving him if it happens again, as I don't want DC growing up in a volatile household. He thought I was being unreasonable for "attacking" him about it, and that I should be more supportive as he needs my support right now to work on his anger.

AIBU for thinking the following:

1. His mother was wrong to say that I shouldn't take his child away for a few days despite what happened?
2. He should have contacted Men for Men sooner?

Thank you in advance

He threw the cot WHILE YOU HAD YOUR BABY IN YOUR ARMS. Please read that over and over again. The name calling is enough to leave. He deliberately tried to hurt you both. There's no way back from this.

Waves. Been there. But mine did go get help. And we did marriage counselling. We agreed ground rules for arguments - no name calling, no physical stuff like throwing or hitting. If dh feels the rage, he walks out the house and takes walk around the block. He then usually texts me his why he is cross or his point t of view in the argument as that takes the heat out for him but lets him be heard

You are in the early stages of an abusive relationship. He's already escalated to throwing things and will escalate to hurting you. He only said he'd go to anger management to get you to stay. You stayed so now he has no need to actually do it.

You need to leave because men like this never get better, they just get worse and worse and worse, until you leave and they find another victim.

You need to set boundries now. So he contacts them or you are walking out the door

He demands your support because he can't stop abusing you?

This alone is very twisted. You need to leave, in order to protect yourself and your child. Your partner has no qualms about being physically abusive in front of the child.

If he's going to sort himself out, tell him you'll consider your relationship after he's shown a sustained willingness to seek support from appropriate angles.

Ignore his mother. She's wrong. But even if she was right, why would you feel obliged to answer to her?

His mother is wrong from the beginning for raising such a fuckwit of a twat

He is choosing to treat you so appallingly. If he couldn't control his anger to that extent he would, at best, be jobless and at worst, in jail or dead. Not only that, he, the abuser, is convincing you, the victim, that you should be supporting him. That is a new level of sick.
Nobody who cares about their partner 'forgets' to try to save their relationship by not trying to stop being an abusive bastard. Get yourself and your baby away from this nasty bastard and his toxic mother. If his child is important to him he will make time to see him/her.

Like a PP, I believe that people can change. However, he has to want it and clearly he doesn't. And while I absolutely hate it when we blame the mothers for abusive sons, I'm afraid I've seen this particular one before where DH (when he was just DP) was losing it completely, I wasn't taking it, and his mother told me to let it go as it's just how he is. It was a lightbulb moment for me. Shortly after that was when I told him that if he didn't sort it out I was leaving. And... here's the kicker... he DID. He did the work. He put in the time, did the therapy, considered his behaviour and CHANGED.

Your P clearly has no intention of doing this and is still making HIS behaviour YOUR problem. it's only a tiny step from there to it being YOUR fault that YOU make him so angry that he throws/hits etc.

He deals with it right now, TODAY. Or you leave.

for you @BigMC93

You have to do what is right for you and if that means a few days away then do it. Work stress is not a good enough reason to insult, belittle you and throw something at you - his mother is totally wrong and her forgiving and making excuses is not helpful at all.

The fact that he has quickly put aside seeking help for his anger means he doesn't care and will likely do it again and again. You have said what he needs to do, he hasn't done it, take some time away. He can sit and think on his own about what he has done then.

Best wishes

You need to set boundries now. So he contacts them or you are walking out the door

Sorry but I completely disagree with this. It won't fix anything if he goes in order to stop her leaving. He isn't choosing to do it and he doesn't want to change so it won't achieve anything. I say this from bitter experience.

You're being bullied, OP.

Not just by DP but by his family too.

Put yourself and your child FIRST. You seem to acknowledge that your ideas of what is normal in a relationship are somewhat skewed by your growing up in an abusive household. If you don't do something about this now your child is going to grow up the same.

Make sure your family are aware of the situation and have a plan to be ready to leave next time. It sounds like it's a cert there will be a next time, OP.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. You deserve much better.x.

@EnjoyingTheSilence

He has no intention of changing. He said what he needed to say in order for you to stay. It worked.

When he goes to work today, pack your bags and go. If he’s really serious about changing he can prove it.

He will not get any better

This 100%. And his mother was wrong.

It is unacceptable, OP. You've had some good advice here. Make plans to leave as soon as possible. The name calling, violence and abuse is only going to get worse.

Why would you have considered having a child with a man like this ?
Both child and yourself deserve better than this ,i would not stay ,life is too short for this , start making plans to get out and focus on the better life you both will have without him in it .

His mother was unreasonable yes and he hopes that this will just blow over like it always does without him having to do anything, then it will happen again and you will carry on in the same cycle unless you do something about it

I agree that you threatening to leave should be more than enough incentive to contact the class - he's not taking it seriously enough.

I do want to point out though that everyone gets angry during fights, when we are angry we want to hurt the other person, and I don't think name calling in itself is inherently something you should leave over. It has to be weighed up along with everything else in your relationship and it sounds like you are at the end of your tether.

DH and I have had an issue over the years where our fights have got increasingly disrespectful, for want of a better word. We've been together 11 years and now we have to really remind ourselves not to play dirty when we're angry, as it was becoming a bit of a bad habit to really push the other person's buttons to try and hurt them most, including using some pretty harsh phrases (although we stop short of name calling or swearing mostly). So I just wanted to say that it's something that it is normal to struggle with, but you have to feel like he wants to change and also that his anger issues aren't appearing regularly.

for the sake of your baby OP you really need to leave. please do not allow him or his mother to minimise his behaviour. it is not normal or okay.

He is abusing you and his mother is facilitating it. Of course you would not be wrong to leave, please look after yourself and get away from this toxic man and his family

I am also outraged to read that he expects you to give him support for his anger management when you are the one who it is directed at and who the support should be focused on.

@tsmainsqueeze your nasty judgement is in no way helpful to the OP.

He's never going to change.
Choose your life

his mother told me not to leave and said "how would you feel if he said he was going away and taking DC with him?". In the end I stayed as I wasn't sure if I was being fair taking his child

How you should feel if you've just thrown a cot and shouted at your partner and child, is that they would be right to get away from you. It's more than fair I think, not that you need to be fair. There is only one priority here....the safety and wellbeing of you and your baby. You have to take charge of that. Don't listen to your MIL, she may be conditioned to accept abuse herself but her advice is useless and harmful. She has her priorities all wrong.

oh get rid. Anyone throwing anything in the vicinity of my child would be gone, more so as he is the parent meant to nurture, not endanger. Fuck him off, he is a volatile selfish twat with zero empathy and one day could actually badly hurt you or child in anger, even if his intention isn't to

He threw furniture at you when you were holding your baby- sorry why are you still there. You don’t need to be there for him to deal with his issues. His mum is a bitch who is down playing everything to pretend she didn’t raise an abusive psycho!

I'd have finished with him the very first time he called me such names, but then I wasn't brought up in a household where my mother was being hit by her various boyfriends, I was lucky.

Your ideas of what is acceptable behaviour is understandably skewed Op, due to your upbringing. Please believe us on here when we tell you that calling you those awful names is not in any way normal or acceptable. It shows he doesn't respect or love you and he doesn't care about your and your child's safety either now that he has progressed to throwing furniture at you both.

You and your DC don't deserve to live like this, in fact you deserve NOT to live like this. Please speak to Women's Aid and make arrangements to leave and never, ever, let another man treat you like this.

"how would you feel if he said he was going away and taking DC with him?"

Well her son should have thought of that before he was abusive, shouldn't he?