Nursery behaviour management

[Tyrionsbitch]

Wanting to canvass some opinions before I speak to nursery about this as I am really not sure whether IABU.

My DC is nearly 2 and at nursery full time. I have always been told they are a very well behaved, laid back and polite child and have never had any issues with them until now. (Different story at home and they can have tantrums etc like any normal toddler)

Every day for the last 2 weeks I am getting told that they are getting put on time out for not sharing toys. I am getting a bit frustrated for several reasons and want some other perspectives (not sure if i am being PFB)

To give some perspective, DC is quite verbal for their age but I would say understanding is normal. I worry that because of this people forget how young they are.

1. Is time out an effective behaviour management strategy at this age? I'm not sure they will really have any understanding of what is happening and I can't bear the thought of them being punished and upset without understanding why.

1. Reading up on it, not sharing is a developmental thing at around 2, should they be using it as a teaching rather than a punishment point? I'm worried that DC will not actually learn how to share but just develop negative thoughts around others playing with toys that they want if they just get told off and put on time out.

1. I am a teacher, and if I had a child in my class that was on time out every day then I would be concerned and thinking about a behaviour plan, however when I asked nursery last time they said that no, they were generally very well behaved and that this behaviour was normal.

So, what do I do? I am upset that DC is on time out every day, despite being told they are well behaved. I don't want to undermine nursery's behaviour management strategies/be a difficult parent/stop them from telling me when DC have been in trouble. And I do want my child to be pulled up on negative behaviour/taught how to share etc. I'm just not convinced that this is the most effective way.

Sorry, that was long:
Yabu - its fine and an effective strategy at this age
Yanbu- it seems excessive, speak to nursery

The child is 2. I think the nursery are on a hiding to nothing if they think they can train a 2 year old to share using time outs.

Time out is no good for a 1 year old, if at all. Our nursery doesn't use time out or anything like that, they just talk to them, remove from from the situation or make them apologise, whichever is appropriate considering the age of the child and circumstances. I don't do time out and wouldn't be happy with nursery doing it.

I don't like timeout in its punishment form anyway and it is certainly not appropriate for a child that young.

Two year olds developmentally don’t have the capacity to understand sharing - it’s ridiculous to punish them for developmentally appropriate behaviour. I’d be questioning the nursery’s understanding of child development.

You’re not unreasonable but time out is common in nursery settings, even at ages where it is not appropriate. That said, they have lots of children to look after, which often does involve having to separate one who is being difficult to manage. I would rather they separated the child into a smaller group than did time out etc. I had many arguments with my nursery about this back in the day but I’m not sure you will get anywhere with them.

YANBU! I had similar issues when my DS was just turned 3 in nursery, he would be put on time out for things like making noise at story time, not wanting to get in line to come back in from playing. He too was (is) advanced verbally but I think emotionally his development is average, I got the feeling he was being treated differently, who knows if he really was.

It sounded like they were constantly just telling him off/putting him on time out then complaining to me at pick up, rather than suggesting anything constructive eg reward system as you mention on your post.

He is in reception now and so far so good his behaviour is fine, the teacher does take parents aside at the end of the day if needs be and bar one minor incident at the beginning of term, we've had nothing.

I read up on this a couple of years ago and found out they don’t understand the concept of sharing until much later, much more useful is to teach ‘taking turns’ politely asking if they can have a turn next and being patient until the caregiver manages toy being nicely given from child one to child two, then after an agreed time given back for the next turn by which time they’ve usually lost interest. Worked a treat with my two.Hope you get this sorted out.

Time out is completely inappropriate for two year olds full stop, let alone for not sharing toys, which as you say is a developmental process. Time out isn't a brilliant strategy for any age IMO but certainly not in that context.

Can you speak to the director about it?
If they refuse to change their approach I would consider moving nurseries.

Time out worked for my 2 year old. It’s not a punishment, it’s bringing them out of the situation and showing them (teaching them, if you like) that not sharing means not participating, at that particular time.

I don't think two year olds have the capacity to understand the importance of sharing as they lack empathy at that age and usually play alongside other children not actually with them.
My ds is 3 and he is only now starting to understand that sharing means he can have more fun with his sister. If he snatches off her (a regular occurrence) she will fight back which upsets him or she will be sad and no longer want to play with him. It is only recently that he has started to develop empathy and is still a work in progress.

I would speak to nursery about what else they can do to help him. Ask how long the time outs are for and what is the outcome?

Sorry to disagree - taking a child away from a situation to show them that not sharing means no toy IS a punishment. Really the nursery should just be distracting one or both children with an alternative toy then swapping over as a PP said.

Of course there are different ways to implement it, more or less harsh, what is said to the child, where they are taken to and for how long, are they on their own?

Sorry to disagree - taking a child away from a situation to show them that not sharing means no toy IS a punishment.

I don’t think it is. I think it’s literally giving them time to calm down and see the point: that they need to share. My two year old understood time out anyway.

Nursery manager here. Developmentally your child is at the right age to be learning to share but this needs to be taught to them, role modelled and positively reinforced.
Ask to see the behaviour management policy which will outline if time outs are standard practice within the nursery. My policy for example doesnt allow time outs. We offer the children supported thinking time to consider their actions and the impact on their peers but this is only done once all other strategies have been tried and if the child is at the correct age and stage of their development to understand. I would say at below two, your child is not old enough for that concept.
As a manager I would be looking at which staff members are giving the time outs for this especially if it's the same member of staff. It shows me they are not effectively handling behaviour in the room and could require more training.

I don't think time out (as a calming down strategy not as a punishment) is necessarily a bad thing, but two year olds don't share. Developmentally they don't have the capacity to.

two year olds don't share. Developmentally they don't have the capacity to.

They are learning to do it. My two year old did it. I think the age 2-3 is when we should be teaching about the importance of sharing and seeing progress towards it. No blanket rules, they’re all different.

I have a two year old and work in a nursery and I'd not be happy with this. At that age, as pp's have said, they can't understand the concept of sharing. We do introduce very short periods of turn taking, of a minute or so, depending on the child's attention and interest. And use that to gradually build on the idea of longer term sharing - which is essentially just taking turns.

I wouldn't be happy with time out at all in a setting, let alone at that age. I'd rather support my child through their feelings and then move on. I don't 'punish' my toddler for being a toddler. So I tend to apply the same principles at work. We don't use time out at nursery anyway.

@overthemountainsandfaraway

Sorry to disagree - taking a child away from a situation to show them that not sharing means no toy IS a punishment. Really the nursery should just be distracting one or both children with an alternative toy then swapping over as a PP said.

Of course there are different ways to implement it, more or less harsh, what is said to the child, where they are taken to and for how long, are they on their own?

From what they have said she is sat in the same room but facing away from her friends/the toys for about 2 minutes.

From what they have said she is sat in the same room but facing away from her friends/the toys for about 2 minutes.

And have they said how she reacts to this? Is she distressed, or does she get up and go back to play?

I wouldn't use a nursery who thought it was a good idea to put a toddler in time out anyway, especially for something developmental like sharing.

This doesn't sound effective at all. I think it's O.K to raise this with them and just say that it doesn't seem to be working so could they have a rethink about this.

I would change the nursery.

Thank you everybody for your responses so far, they generally reflect how I feel.
I am more than happy for her to be (want her to be) taught how to share/it be modelled to her/ support to be provided for her to learn how to share etc but I agree that she shouldn't be punished for age appropriate behaviours.

We are obviously focusing on sharing and turn taking at home but with no other children at home these issues will naturally arise more often at nursery.

I will speak to them about it I think. For some reason I feel nervous about it, I don't want to come across as difficult (but then, its my child - who else will stick up for her!)

@flaviaritt

From what they have said she is sat in the same room but facing away from her friends/the toys for about 2 minutes.

And have they said how she reacts to this? Is she distressed, or does she get up and go back to play?

She becomes upset/cries and then gets up to try and join the others.

She becomes upset/cries and then gets up to try and join the others.

Then she probably doesn’t understand. Fair to have words about it and say you would prefer them to use distraction, or just take the toy off her when it’s no longer her turn.

Is someone next to her talking? If all this is done gently without raising their voice, then I don't see anything wrong with it.

It is them learning the notion if sharing. Ultimately they won't be the only one not sharing so all will go through the same learning so it's not a punishment just for your child.