Nursery behaviour management

[Tyrionsbitch]

Wanting to canvass some opinions before I speak to nursery about this as I am really not sure whether IABU.

My DC is nearly 2 and at nursery full time. I have always been told they are a very well behaved, laid back and polite child and have never had any issues with them until now. (Different story at home and they can have tantrums etc like any normal toddler)

Every day for the last 2 weeks I am getting told that they are getting put on time out for not sharing toys. I am getting a bit frustrated for several reasons and want some other perspectives (not sure if i am being PFB)

To give some perspective, DC is quite verbal for their age but I would say understanding is normal. I worry that because of this people forget how young they are.

1. Is time out an effective behaviour management strategy at this age? I'm not sure they will really have any understanding of what is happening and I can't bear the thought of them being punished and upset without understanding why.

1. Reading up on it, not sharing is a developmental thing at around 2, should they be using it as a teaching rather than a punishment point? I'm worried that DC will not actually learn how to share but just develop negative thoughts around others playing with toys that they want if they just get told off and put on time out.

1. I am a teacher, and if I had a child in my class that was on time out every day then I would be concerned and thinking about a behaviour plan, however when I asked nursery last time they said that no, they were generally very well behaved and that this behaviour was normal.

So, what do I do? I am upset that DC is on time out every day, despite being told they are well behaved. I don't want to undermine nursery's behaviour management strategies/be a difficult parent/stop them from telling me when DC have been in trouble. And I do want my child to be pulled up on negative behaviour/taught how to share etc. I'm just not convinced that this is the most effective way.

Sorry, that was long:
Yabu - its fine and an effective strategy at this age
Yanbu- it seems excessive, speak to nursery

She's too young to be expected to share independently. It's more appropriate to tell her that her turn is finished in 5,4,3,2,1 and then take the toy away or move her to something else. She shouldn't be punished for something developmentally normal. That's like punishing her for not being toilet trained and wetting herself.

Time out is laziness IMHO

It says "I don't have the time to actually discuss anything with you or teach you anything, so I'll just hide you away for a bit until you get so upset you apologise when you don't even know what you've done wrong"

I hate time out. All I think it does is creates tension and stress for the poor child who is trying to learn. It would be far better to teach her and model what to do rather than turning her away from her friends.

However, unfortunately if that is the technique the nursery uses then they may not change.
I always tell parents to check things like that when looking for a nursery.

From what they have said she is sat in the same room but facing away from her friends/the toys for about 2 minutes.

That’s appalling, it’s telling her that if you act in a perfectly normal way, consistent with your developmental stage, you’ll be excluded from the group. I thought we had moved on from shaming punishments.

She's too young for time out. Also, having worked in a nursery, I didn't think "time out" was an appropriate phrase. It's meant to be geared towards positive language and when it was used in my setting (with children older than 2) it was referred to as thinking time. I think your nursery need to be dealing with this a lot better to be honest. Putting her facing away from the others seems a bit cruel really and clearly it isn't having any impact on how she behaves so she obviously isn't understanding it. I'd speak to them again.

I hate with a passion children being forced to share. As adults we are not expected to simply give up our possessions when another person wants them so why do we expect it of small children?

OP, I would first find out from the nursery what the expectations are regarding sharing. Are they asking her to give up what she is using just because another wants it? Or are they encouraging turn taking and even after a time limit is given your DD is still not allowing anyone else the toy? The two are very different.

What does her refusal to share look like? Is she clutching at the toy and crying or does she become aggressive and start hitting etc? The hitting needs a time out to calm down and regain control. The other needs calm reassurance. Both are normal and understandable reactions.

Is there anything in particular she is reluctant to share? This will narrow it down from "she's refusing to share" to "this particular toy is really important to her"

The sitting in the corner with her back to the group is very old fashioned and punitive rather than supporting a child to understand why what they did was wrong. That alone would make me uncomfortable.

Absolutely go to the nursery and ask for clarification.

I hate with a passion children being forced to share. As adults we are not expected to simply give up our possessions when another person wants them so why do we expect it of small children?

There are loads of things we need to learn to share as adults: a doctor’s available time, an amount of space on the public transport, an income, a meal. Shared toys are a vehicle for teaching children that it is not always their turn.

It's not about sharing but learning for our turn, a skill we adult are expected to have acquired. We also do have to share, share the roads, equipments at the gym, parking spaces etc...

Sadly, some adults indeed seem to have failed to have gained that notion.

Whether one agrees that 2 is too way to learn or not, to say that it should never be taught as not applicable in adulthood is a frightening concept.

I would speak to the nursery manager , and find out the protocol for time out . Not sharing toys is not in itself a good reason , it may be other behavior around that but I think you need to be more informed .

I really dislike the nursery’s approach to teach children sharing - its not age appropriate.
however, 2 year olds can definitely learn to share and take turns -people insisting they can’t explains the amounts of fairly horrendously behaving children on playgrounds etc.
the nursery’s approach is fairly drastic though and not child appropriate

I'm a childminder with all 2 year olds at the moment.

The nursery sound a bit OTT.

2 year olds find it really hard to share. It's a very gradual process for them to learn and I would never ever put a child in time out for refusing to share.

I'm not sure they would understand the reasoning for it anyway which would make it worthless.

Have a chat with the nursery manager and ask what their behaviour policy is?

I work in a private nursery, as a leader of under 2s.

I’m absolutely disgusted they would use time out for a baby. Time out just ostracises and rejects a child and actually doesn’t teach them anything. Older children’s thinking space is different.

Sharing isn’t a developmental norm at 2. Counting down to “Johnny would like a turn in 2 minutes please” combined with “suzie is using that at the moment, Johnny, let’s you and I play with this until she’s done” is FAR more appropriate.

Ask for nurseries behaviour management policies, and an appointment to discuss. (They shouldn’t be “managing behaviour” at this age either, and simply promoting desirable behaviour.

I was an Early Years teacher and I agree that this is an ineffective way of dealing with the behaviour. I would definitely speak to the nursery and ask them what strategies they are going to put in place to support your child, as time outs don’t seem to be working.. please don’t worry about coming across as difficult. Your child is the priority here

I think time out or any sort of plan for a not-even-two year old is pure madness tbh.

I was a childminder for 10 years and never once used time out. I hate it with an absolute passion. However, I'd try to find out if there is possibly a conflict with one child in the room - this can happen! if your child has a favorite toy that is popular and not always accessible (try to see if nursery might be willing to get more than one) or maybe if your child is aggressing/pushing when wanting a toy and snatching it.

The concept of sharing is difficult to teach, but not impossible. If it's OK can I share some of the activities I used to do with the toddlers I looked after:

• Sitting in circle, we'd sing a lullaby like 'twinkle twinkle' and there was only one teddy. Child one would hold teddy, we'd all sing, then teddy would be passed on to next child. First this shows them that when everyone has had a go, teddy comes back to them. Secondly, if someone else looks after teddy, it will be looked after well and not broken. Thirdly, it teaches them to let go!
• have play 'stations' with a timer. Set up 3 or 4 different activities, and each child is on one activity for 2 minutes then has to leave it and move on to the next one. Shows them that moving on to a new activity is not scary and can be fun.
• learn how to swap toys - similar to the game with the teddy but just with two children, and they have to swap toys. I used to say to them that if they wanted a toy that was used by another child, they should propose to the child to swap with a different toy, not just to take or snatch.

Hope this helps a bit.

@QueenBlueberries that circle activity is great, I’m going to store that away for use in nursery. Thank you for sharing it.

I wouldn't be happy with time out.

I have done (as PPS have suggested:

• swapping
• counting (which is good as they learn to count too!) before enforcing swapping/sharing. This is fine and they learn very quickly that they also benefit from this arrangement if they want to play with something someone else has, so they will ask me to count so they can benefit.

Honestly, most kids can share (aside from treasured possessions - would never make them share a comfort toy) at 2 with consistency and good modelling. BUT punishment isn't the way forward.

@flaviaritt

I hate with a passion children being forced to share. As adults we are not expected to simply give up our possessions when another person wants them so why do we expect it of small children?

There are loads of things we need to learn to share as adults: a doctor’s available time, an amount of space on the public transport, an income, a meal. Shared toys are a vehicle for teaching children that it is not always their turn.

Well, yes. Sharing is important. I didn't say it wasn't.

What I hate is when a child is playing with something, another child demands it and all the adults tell the first child "shaaaaare. Be kiiind" and take the toy away. And the whole "Okay, Timmy wants it so you've only got 2mins left with it" is better but still not brilliant. Doesn't that tell the child that the most efficient way to get something is by demanding it from someone else? That sharing only goes one way?

There are things we have to share but at no point as adults to we expect things that we are actively using to be snatched from us or to have someone appear with no warning when we're engrossed in something and tell us we only have 5mins left with the TV/car/power drill because Sally next door wants it.

It's totally okay for a child to say "I'm playing with this. I'll let you know when I'm finished".
This teaches BOTH children to take turns as it emphasis "do unto others what you would have them do unto you"

A lot depends on the toy and the circumstances though doesnt it @StringyPotatoes. If you are playing in the wendy house or the slide, or the big dolls house you cant expect to have it all to yourself til your finished. If the nursery has a limited number of some things like scooters then you get a times slot so other children can have a go. "Sharing" is a complicated issue so no wonder it's hard for children to master.

OP unlike many on here I do think time outs can be appropriate for 2 year olds but in a good nursery they'd only be used very sparingly (and usually with the child sat next to a teacher not stuck in a corner). And if they are doing it repeatedly then it's not working and they need to try another approach.

What I hate is when a child is playing with something, another child demands it and all the adults tell the first child "shaaaaare. Be kiiind" and take the toy away. And the whole "Okay, Timmy wants it so you've only got 2mins left with it" is better but still not brilliant. Doesn't that tell the child that the most efficient way to get something is by demanding it from someone else? That sharing only goes one way?

No, because when the other child is playing with something and someone else wants it, the same thing should happen: two or three more minutes, then swap over. It’s communal property. These are good lessons and you sound immature.

at no point as adults to we expect things that we are actively using to be snatched from us or to have someone appear with no warning when we're engrossed in something and tell us we only have 5mins left with the TV/car/power drill because Sally next door wants it.

But there will very often be times when someone interrupts us unexpectedly, or when we have to split something - money or time or food - when we don’t want to. How are children meant to learn this if we don’t start with the things they want all to themselves? Raising some selfish kids, aren’t we, if we don’t make this a focus?

I would be totally unimpressed if I heard that nursery had been disciplining my child for something as inconsequential as not sharing. I hate this emphasis upon forcing children to 'share'.

OP i would be very unhappy if nursery took this approach with my DD. She struggled with sharing but she wasn't being naughty - she just found the concept tough. Absolutely fine now but I managed it without sanctions, lots of encouragement etc.

Youre not being unreasonable at all and I would definitely speak to them and potentially move her. 2 year olds dont share without a lot of adult input and she is too young to properly understand time out - my nearly 2 year old wouldnt have a clue. With my older kids I did use timeouts as a behaviour management strategy starting from about 2.5 for violent or willfully destructive behaviour, but sharing needs to be modelled and taught as theyre not developmentally ready for it when they first turn 2 and it doesn't come naturally. This would really upset me and I think you're right to say something

Hi all, thank you for all of your responses. I definitely feel more confident in my opinion.

My issue is not with the expectation to share - this is something I want her to learn and encourage nursery to support her with (I don't actually think she is bad at it, I think she is age appropriate with it). My issue is more with the use of time out repeatedly at such a young age as I don't think she understands what is happening and why.

I will speak to nursery about it and see what they say, I would like more info from them in terms of details as some of you have suggested so I feel better knowing what to ask about, thank you 😊