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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In law drama

75 replies

Joely221 · 20/10/2020 22:48

My in laws are a funny bunch. Every Christmas and Birthday I swear they deliberately give me a terrible present, but whatever. However my sons birthday (from another relationship) last year got less money than their other blood grandchildren and the same happened this year. It’s been two years on a trot so I feel I am not jumping to the wrong conclusion but not sure how to deal with it as right now I want to throw a fit.

OP posts:
Toppingpoint · 20/10/2020 22:50

Throw a fit about what? It’s lovely they give your DS a gift. What’s the problem?

Shizzlestix · 20/10/2020 22:51

This is not your problem, get your dh to tell them it’s frankly offensive that they’re treating your ds differently.

gobbynorthernbird · 20/10/2020 22:51

Was your other relationship with another of their sons?

Pipandmum · 20/10/2020 22:51

What dies your partner say? Surely he is the one to address the issue.

TW2013 · 20/10/2020 23:01

If you and your dp have/ will have dc does your son's paternal grandparents give money to them? They probably think that your son has a different family who give them presents so just give a token. If that is not the case I would just make up the money to him, if it means he and his siblings are treated differently.

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 20/10/2020 23:04

All dc should absolutely be given the same.
They could open up separate accounts if necessary to give more.
But in front of each child, no!!

Mascaramademehappy · 20/10/2020 23:09

My inlaws pulled this stunt.
They now spend Christmas alone as nobody will put up with their bad behaviour now.
Stand up for your kids, you are their advocate.

RevolutionRadio · 20/10/2020 23:12

Thank them for the gift.

Does your son get presents from his dad's side, if he does, do they also give the same to your other sons?

Newmumatlast · 20/10/2020 23:13

This is a difficult one. I'm from the school of thought of treating all the same. However I do understand how gps may feel your DC from a previous relationship will get gifts from another set of gp where their blood grandchildren won't. A friend of mine has this situation. Her one son has father's family, stepmums family, mother's family and stepfathers family. Her other son just has her and her partner's families. So they treat the boys the same to make it fair but then it kind of feels unfair to the kid that ends up with half as much overall because his family are giving his brother the same but understandably the families that he isnt a part of arent including him and why would they.

madcatladyforever · 20/10/2020 23:15

I would not tolerate one of my children being treated as less than the others. It will wreck his self esteem in the long run.

JamieLeeCurtains · 20/10/2020 23:16

Which thread do you want replies on?

Lilybet1980 · 20/10/2020 23:16

However my sons birthday (from another relationship) last year got less money than their other blood grandchildren and the same happened this year.

But your son (from another relationship) is not a blood grandchild.

Womencanlift · 20/10/2020 23:18

I never expected anything from my step mums family growing up. Sure I may have received the odd selection box but that was it. It never occurred to me to be upset or to expect anything. My dad didn’t expect me to get anything either. He certainly wouldn’t have thrown a fit.

Obviously it’s a different situation if your child doesn’t have a dad and the only male parent is your OP

Redshoeblueshoe · 20/10/2020 23:19

Surely your DS gets presents from his paternal family, so does he end up with more ?

gobbynorthernbird · 20/10/2020 23:19

I genuinely don't understand why people who insert their children into the lives of people who do not have a choice in the matter then expect those children to be treated as blood relations. And, it is always by being grabby and wanting the unrelated DC to have more. I've never seen it suggested that bio DGC get less.

katy1213 · 20/10/2020 23:20

They have given a token gift to a child with whom they have no connection. What's funny about that?

Boom45 · 20/10/2020 23:21

I've never really been of the opinion that all children/grandchildren need to have exactly the same spent on them. Regardless of family ties, older kids might get more or less, there might be something expensive a grandparent really wants to treat a child to one year - that sort of thing. However if your DS and his siblings are clearly getting differing amounts and they are beginning to notice all you can do really is ask that the grandparents lower the amounts to your children you share with your current partner.

Waveysnail · 20/10/2020 23:23

Is there an age difference between the grandkids?

Runningjump · 20/10/2020 23:24

Your son is not their grandchild.

ShinyGreenElephant · 20/10/2020 23:26

Its hard because my parents are very close to my DD - my mum was there when she was born, they have taken her on holiday many times and provided endless childcare. DD makes them gorgeous, thoughtful presents every year without fail, and they have always bought her expensive presents for Christmas eg a new ipad this year. They've met DSD a handful of times (every time she has been very rude and sullen and refused to engage with them at all or thank them for gifts etc) and they've met DSS once (who was adorable and told them he loved them, but it was one hour long meeting and that's it). Both have two sets of their own grandparents. I dont think my parents should have to spend the same on each child - this Christmas they will give all the kids a similar sized gift when they're together and DD her 'proper' gift when shes on her own with them. I think that's perfectly OK and DH has never expressed an issue with it.

Original poster
Joely221 · 20/10/2020 23:34

Oops I managed to double post! I am so sorry to those who think I am being bratty as a gift, is a gift.i just feel bad my son is treated differently by his family yet my family treat my step child the same (including my son’s grand parents on his dad’s side). When I say throw a fit what I mean is i’ll politely remain silent and just be a drunk a hole at Xmas haha

OP posts:
northstars · 20/10/2020 23:35

I think it’s fair enough tbh. It’s not their grandchild.

Boom45 · 20/10/2020 23:37

It really does depend on the family set up too. In my family I had half siblings who were brought up by my mum (not their bio mum) from being babies and then the rest of us came along. They had very minimal contact from their bio mum and her family and they were treated exactly the same as me and my younger siblings our mums family. However, one of my brothers has married a woman with teenage children who spend 50% of their time with their dad and we've only met them a couple of times in the 5 years they've been in our lives. I've never spent on them what I spend on my nephews and nieces that I see weekly, I've never even been told when their birthday is but I do send a small gift at Christmas. This brother and his wife dont have any children together either so they dont have anything to compare with.

Original poster
Joely221 · 20/10/2020 23:37

And saying my child is not their grandchild.... but my step child is my bonus child so why the difference!

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 20/10/2020 23:38

Are you drunk now?

You say your son is treated badly by his family, I don't understand what that has to do with people who aren't his family.