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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In law drama

75 replies

Joely221 · 20/10/2020 22:48

My in laws are a funny bunch. Every Christmas and Birthday I swear they deliberately give me a terrible present, but whatever. However my sons birthday (from another relationship) last year got less money than their other blood grandchildren and the same happened this year. It’s been two years on a trot so I feel I am not jumping to the wrong conclusion but not sure how to deal with it as right now I want to throw a fit.

OP posts:
LocalHobo · 20/10/2020 23:39

Does your son get presents from his dad's side, if he does, do they also give the same to your other sons?
This is surely the crux. And if your elder DS's family do not gift equally to your younger DC, do you feel angry towards them as well?

Coffeeandcocopops · 20/10/2020 23:39

My ExH girlfriends parent’s give his children (my kids) £20 each for Christmas. But they give my ExH child with the girlfriend £100s. Isn’t that the some as your situation OP. I think it is perfectly reasonable. My kids are not their grandchildren.

gobbynorthernbird · 20/10/2020 23:39

OP, do you not get that you chose to have step children, but your in-laws did not chose to have step grandchildren?

Boom45 · 20/10/2020 23:39

So long as your DS doesnt know that his siblings are being treated differently by them it's not going to affect him, if that's a danger then maybe ask your DH to speak to them. Step families are hard

Faynite · 20/10/2020 23:40

It very much depends on the circumstances. On the face of it, haven’t they been kind by remembering your DS’ birthday and giving him a present?

Original poster
Joely221 · 20/10/2020 23:46

Are you joking? How can his family think it’s ok to treat my step child and my son’s half brother different to my son? Do you think a child would understand the difference?

OP posts:
northstars · 20/10/2020 23:48

Not sure what you want from this thread, if you’re so convinced you’re not being unreasonable.

Sobeyondthehills · 20/10/2020 23:53

@Joely221

And saying my child is not their grandchild.... but my step child is my bonus child so why the difference!
Because you went into a relationship knowing your partner had a child and so did your partner.

My DSS has 2 very involved parents and a set of grandparents (other set died early) my mum gets him a token gift for his Christmas and birthday, but doesn't spend the same amount as she does on her grandchildren.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 20/10/2020 23:54

You arent being unreasonable.
But lots of people will tell you you are.
I have 2 stepsons who I knew for years before I had my own DC and my family treats them like they do their blood relations. Children should all be treated the same. They are all part of the same family.

MsPavlichenko · 20/10/2020 23:54

Does your DS get gifts from his own GPS?

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 20/10/2020 23:59

OP, I am with you on this. I would either ask your DH to talk to his mother to give the children same amount of money or you give her the money intended for your DS.

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 21/10/2020 00:01

I'd feel very sad for child in such situation as well. Why can't people imagine how the child feels in this situation?

12309845653ghydrvj · 21/10/2020 00:08

I think it really depends on the situation

gobbynorthernbird · 21/10/2020 00:08

@WhatifIfeellikeacat

I'd feel very sad for child in such situation as well. Why can't people imagine how the child feels in this situation?
Why can't you imagine that some of us may have been the child in this situation, or had/have DC who are people's step grandchildren?
Original poster
Joely221 · 21/10/2020 00:08

I just never thought there would be a difference between the kids. I thought blended meant accepting the kids as your own and for close family the same. My family do for my step child! Maybe I am naive

OP posts:
FlouncerInDenial · 21/10/2020 00:11

What do your ex in laws do for your other children?

Original poster
Joely221 · 21/10/2020 00:17

@FlouncerInDenial

What do your ex in laws do for your other children?
The same no matter if it’s money or a toy, always the same value
OP posts:
Boom45 · 21/10/2020 00:20

The thing is, you chose to blend the family, not your in laws. If they spend lots of time with your son and still treat him differently to your stepson then I, personally, think its shitty behaviour but all you and your partner can do is protect him from any hurt comes from them. If he sees them as his grandparents but they don't see him as a grandchild in the way they treat your grandson then deal with that difference - either by asking them to lower the value of the gifts they give to your step son or by "presenting" these step-grandparents in the same way your son views your step son's mother. So as people that are related to his step brother - nice people that are kind enough to give him a present but not his family.
You cant control the way they treat him (your DH might be able to but I assume he is either unwilling or unable to) so the only way to protect your son from feeling as hurt as you are is to re-frame who these people are to him. Not to spare their feelings but to spare his.

mercutio12 · 21/10/2020 00:22

How old was your DS when they met him?

Does he have an "extra" set on DGPs compared to his siblings?

jessstan1 · 21/10/2020 00:23

@Joely221

Are you joking? How can his family think it’s ok to treat my step child and my son’s half brother different to my son? Do you think a child would understand the difference?
Well it's only them that do that, everyone else presumably treats them the same. It's not like your in laws have known him since he was a baby and he has other family.

What is more important than gifts is, do they like him, are they nice to him? Does he get on well with them?

Nanny0gg · 21/10/2020 00:26

Well OP, if I ever get step DGC I will treat them the same for birthdays and Christmas.

They may not get left the same in my will (if I've anything left by then!) but whilst they are considered the children of my children (assuming I see them as much as I see my actual DGC, they will be treated the same)

GertiMJN · 21/10/2020 00:29

If your dh adopted your ds and his parents treated this child differently then that would be appallingly.
But your ds has a step relationship with your dh and in laws. Its a relationship that exists only because of your marriage. End the marriage and there will be no formal relationship at all.

Every step family situation is different. My dd has never received as much as a card from her step mother's family. It has never bothered my dd.

GertiMJN · 21/10/2020 00:33

Is it "fair" that some children in blended families end up with more gifts etc. than their step or half siblings? The more complex tbe family dynamics the more variation there will be.

1forAll74 · 21/10/2020 00:37

You don't have to deal with this situation, just put up with it, and don't cause any hassle with anyone.

newnameforthis123 · 21/10/2020 00:45

You seem very angry about this OP, you've asked for people's opinions and you're responding to ones you don't agree with in a judgemental and pass agg way. It feels like you just wanted people to say your partners parents are dicks, rather than considering people may feel differently to you about this.