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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In law drama

75 replies

Joely221 · 20/10/2020 22:48

My in laws are a funny bunch. Every Christmas and Birthday I swear they deliberately give me a terrible present, but whatever. However my sons birthday (from another relationship) last year got less money than their other blood grandchildren and the same happened this year. It’s been two years on a trot so I feel I am not jumping to the wrong conclusion but not sure how to deal with it as right now I want to throw a fit.

OP posts:

Maybe83 · 21/10/2020 00:45

We have a blended family and treat all kids the same in terms of Christmas/birthday/holidays etc appropriate to their respective ages.

My dd and SS get presents from both families for occasions but not the same as they get from their respective grandparents/aunts/uncles. They each get similar to their sibling on their side of their families.

They are both aware that they have other extended family that their joint sibling doesn't.

I think that is fair and reasonable. It is up to you to set the tone and expectations in your family and deal with the complexity that comes with having a blended family. If they didn't acknowledge it at all that would be a different matter.

HappyDays10101 · 21/10/2020 00:56

my step child is my bonus child so why the difference

The difference is that this was your choice.

You sound determined to cause a problem here where there need me none. My mum used to give my stepson a token £20 for Christmas, which he was really please with every year. Absolutely no way did they consider each other ‘family’, and it’s really unempathetic of you to not see that everybody regards these situations differently.

jessstan1 · 21/10/2020 01:00

However you feel, op, being so cross about it is not going to help one bit. I hope you don't let your son know how you feel and please don't drink yourself into a hole at Christmas, that will achieve nothing and set a very bad example to the children.

HibiscusNell · 21/10/2020 01:07

I think what your in laws is doing is ok too. I’d be happy they get your son a gift.

DC3Dakota · 21/10/2020 01:07

I'm sorry but I'm with your in laws on this. Your son is not their grandchild. Your son presumably has grandparents on his Dad's side. Why should he get presents from all 3 sets of grandparents when their blood grandchildren only get presents from 2 sets of grandparents??

DC3Dakota · 21/10/2020 01:08

@Mascaramademehappy

My inlaws pulled this stunt. They now spend Christmas alone as nobody will put up with their bad behaviour now. Stand up for your kids, you are their advocate.

You sound just lovely 🤨

DC3Dakota · 21/10/2020 01:14

@MusicWithRocksIn1t

You arent being unreasonable. But lots of people will tell you you are. I have 2 stepsons who I knew for years before I had my own DC and my family treats them like they do their blood relations. Children should all be treated the same. They are all part of the same family.

But it's not treating them the same those is it? Because the non-blood grandchild has another set of gps on their dad's side! So by your logic, that child could potentially get 3 lots of presents at xmas yet the blood grandchild would only 2 lots as they don't have step grandparents???

SoloMummy · 21/10/2020 06:14

@Joely221

I just never thought there would be a difference between the kids. I thought blended meant accepting the kids as your own and for close family the same. My family do for my step child! Maybe I am naive

You have chosen to accept as the same and your family also. But noone else has to view them in this way. He gets a present. He's not left out. Expecting absolute parity is unreasonable. Ultimately if you split they'd not see him again, most likely.

Bluntness100 · 21/10/2020 06:26

I see your point, but think you’re being unreasonable.

You and your partner decided on a blended family, it’s not something they decided, the fact they include him and give him a gift is lovely, yes it would be even better if they treated him like a blood relative, but they don’t. Unlike the other kids he will have other grandparents to also give him gifts, if they do not this doesn’t mean they need to step up.

How old is he and how long have they known him?

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/10/2020 06:42

At 00:17 you said your Ex inlaws give presents of the same value to your younger children, who you have with your current partner. That is really generous. But ultimately it is their choice. Your current in laws are choosing to do it differently. Neither is wrong. If my dd got together with someone, who already had children I would like to think I’d treat them the same. But that again would be my choice.

This is a lesson in being grateful for what you have.

seayork2020 · 21/10/2020 06:48

I come from a blended family we all just got on with the good things and did not enter into 'but you got more than me' growing up.

If you are going to get that upset then ask that the children do not get anything that is fairer.

It is not adults choice that there are additional kids in families due to getting together with kids that are not related

Incrediblytired · 21/10/2020 07:00

I get what you are saying and understand that life is confusing for kids but it’s your job as a parent to help your child if they feel it’s unfair.

If your children are old enough to recognise financial inequality in gifts, then they will have an understanding that new grandparents have only recently become their grandparents and are not quite the same as the ones they’ve had since birth.

I don’t really understand the depth of needing to treat children equally to the extent that buying them a present isn’t good enough if it doesn’t have the exact same financial value as someone else’s present. Presents are gifts and it’s best to teach your children to accept them politely. Though in this case it sound like it’s you with the problem and again, it’s just not great manners to be so financially fixated.

Sceptre86 · 21/10/2020 07:11

You decided to have a blended relationship. So you buy appropriately so that no child is left out. Your partners parents had no day in this, neither did yours. They can buy as they see fit and you need to get over it. Either address it like and adult and be prepared to not like what you hear, or minimise your own contact. Don't throw your toys out of the pram and behave like an idiot. That really isn't going to endear you to anyone!

We don't celebrate Christmas as such but my parents always buy my kids selection boxes and then easter eggs at easter. They always purchase them for my bil's kid (dh's only brother's child) even though sil's family have never given my kids anything. I get annoyed that my mum bothers but then she is a lovely person.

nicky7654 · 21/10/2020 07:17

Your son isn't their Grandchild. Be grateful they actually bought him a gift and grow up! This shouldn't have needed to be a conversation if you had used your brains!!

Generalblah · 21/10/2020 07:29

A child would understand if you explained that they got extra gifts from their own paternal grandparents and that is where the difference between presents is made.

Your child is whatever you teach them to be. If you teach them to be entitled then that’s what they will be. If you teach them fairness and equality then they would understand.

Unless your parent in laws are unkind in their behaviour towards him then I’d be ok with them giving a slightly less present. He is having it made up elsewhere where you other child/stepchild is not.

AnxMummy10 · 21/10/2020 07:30

I understand your upset op but I don't think you are being reasonable. In fact it's really nice of them to give him gifts because they are making an effort to include him and it shows they do care.
Your son has his own gps.
does your son refer to them as granny and grandpa?

Longtalljosie · 21/10/2020 07:34

You aren’t being unreasonable, that’s shit. I can’t imagine if either of my kids become a stepmother, having them at Christmas and giving one child a much smaller present than the others.

Coffeeandcocopops · 21/10/2020 07:34

Your son has his own grandparents.

Billben · 21/10/2020 07:37

The same no matter if it’s money or a toy, always the same value

What happens when it will come to the inheritance? Will you be expecting your child to also get a share?

MoonJelly · 21/10/2020 08:08

I treat my step grandchildren the same as my actual grandchild, because I think lt would be wrong to suggest they are in some way "less" than my grandchild who is after all their brother. Plus their father's family are arseholes anyway who give them nothing.

seayork2020 · 21/10/2020 08:46

If you don't know the child then the child gets what you think but I dont get the money has be exactly equal, if my sister wanted a bike and I wanted a set of books then if I got what I wanted which cost less than hers then I did not want the bike so I was happy.

Maybe parents could think more of what kids actually want from the kids viewpoint and not just because they demand equality themselves

Angelina82 · 21/10/2020 09:16

And saying my child is not their grandchild.... but my step child is my bonus child so why the difference!

Do your parents treat your SC in exactly the same way as they do your biological kids?

Whatthebloodyell · 21/10/2020 09:26

Being treated fairly doesn’t always mean being treated the same.

Qwertybertie87 · 21/10/2020 09:31

Does your sons parental grandparents not get him presents? If so that would mean he would get presents from 3 sets of grandparents and your other child from 2 sets so how is that fair

Boysnme · 21/10/2020 09:34

OP I’m not sure I’m following this.

You have one DC from a previous relationship
Your DP has one from a previous relationship

Your DC gets presents from your parents, his dads parents and a smaller amount from your DPs parents

Your DPs DC gets presents from DPs parents (more that your DC) presumably the mothers parents, your parents (equal to your DC) and your ex’s parents (equal to your DC)

Whilst it would be nice for DPs parents to treat them the same in the way yours do there’s no requirement for that. If it bothers you that much ask your parents to balance it and give SDC less, although if they are happy to treat them the same it’s ultimately their choice, or even it up yourself.

There should be no expectation for the ex’s parents to give to the other DC although it is lovely that your ex’s parents do this.

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