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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DGC 3 not in nursery

89 replies

Tellmemoreaboutthat · 20/10/2020 20:59

My son & dil have 2 DC, 3 & a younger one. Neither are in nursery, DIL is a stay at home mum.

She does take the children out a lot, they meet up with friends who have children the same age, DGC’s seem friendly and social enough.

I am worried though, that DGC will be overwhelmed when they start school if they’ve never been in a nursery setting.

Son & DIL say they don’t see the need as she is home with them and she wants to enjoy ‘their time’ before the DC go to school.

Is it selfish? Putting her needs before the DC? Or aibu?

OP posts:
MonkeySnake · 20/10/2020 21:39

@soffiee

I think if *@Tellmemoreaboutthat* had said she was a friend observing, most of the replies would have been VERY different!
No they wouldn't. It would've been "it's not your business". You're correct that fewer people would be pointing out that she's entirely blaming DIL and not DS but that's because her being the MIL is important.
Dishwashersaurous · 20/10/2020 21:40

Is the child just turned three or nearly four? Funded hours don’t kick in until term after three.

There are lots of term time nurseries which do funded hours only eg three hours in the morning only.

But if they don’t want to send them it’s up to them

Headspinner2020 · 20/10/2020 21:40

To all those being rude to OP, just remember that one day, your precious DC's will have partners and you'll be the other side of the fence, no doubt loving your grandchildren the way you love your DC'S. I know it's not her place to insist, but she can have an opinion as I'm sure you will experience one day.

Remember that.

MonkeySnake · 20/10/2020 21:45

@Headspinner2020

To all those being rude to OP, just remember that one day, your precious DC's will have partners and you'll be the other side of the fence, no doubt loving your grandchildren the way you love your DC'S. I know it's not her place to insist, but she can have an opinion as I'm sure you will experience one day.

Remember that.

And hopefully when our son's have wives we'll actually treat them with respect - mental concept, I know.
OrangeGinLemonFanta · 20/10/2020 21:45

@Headspinner2020

To all those being rude to OP, just remember that one day, your precious DC's will have partners and you'll be the other side of the fence, no doubt loving your grandchildren the way you love your DC'S. I know it's not her place to insist, but she can have an opinion as I'm sure you will experience one day.

Remember that.

And if my children marry and have their own children I shall follow the lead from my own lovely MIL, who smiles and coos over my children and is always happy to see us, and keeps her opinions and judgements on my parenting firmly to herself, as I presume the OP also does.
Ohalrightthen · 20/10/2020 21:49

@namechangetheworld

I agree that it's the parent's decision, but I'm inclined to agree with you.

There's one boy in DD's class at school who didn't attend nursery or preschool and it really shows. He really struggled with the transition and was in the school office most mornings at drop-off screaming as the teacher tried to drag him away from his DM. He's still like it now, a year later.

My sister was like this til age 7. She went to nursery from 10 months. It depends on the child.
kezziethecat · 20/10/2020 21:49

My son went for the 15 free hours when he was 3 but found it hard to settle so ended up just usually going a morning or two a week and then didn't go back after lockdown because they didn't reopen. I was really worried about how he would find the leap to full time school but he has amazed me and absolutely loves it and doesn't seem to find it too tiring or overwhelming. Are they considering even a few hours before school or nothing at all? I think you should just trust in their judgement even if it is different to what you would do. Hopefully it will all work out well.

tigger001 · 20/10/2020 21:51

They are doing what they think is best and you should respect that.

The child will be fine when it goes to school, your DGC is being "socialised". Some people feel that children benefit from being out of the nursery setting, some thinks it best to put them in.

Neither is wrong or right, just what's right for them.

Osirus · 20/10/2020 21:52

Mine only went for 6 hours a week. For six months (stopped due to C-19).

She’s not been overwhelmed by school at all and she’s only just 4.

Al1langdownthecleghole · 20/10/2020 21:59

Why are you so sure that your DGC are missing out? If they weren’t doing activities & social things I could see your point, but nursery just for the sake of it? No way.

namechangetheworld · 20/10/2020 21:59

What a lovely story. I assume every other child in the class went to nursery then?

Or pre-school, yes. Why the sarcasm?

Conpletely agree that there could be other issues at play with this child, but if he has separation anxiety then surely putting him in pre-school one or two mornings a week in an attempt to remedy the issue is much better than chucking him in at the deep end with five full school days? I don't understand the parents logic.

Sally872 · 20/10/2020 22:03

Nursery isn't a essential. They might send him closer to starting school if they are concerned about transition. I wouldn't worry.

WunWun · 20/10/2020 22:05

Wow, not even slightly any of your fucking business.

Tistheseason17 · 20/10/2020 22:08

My DC went to nursery because I couldn't afford to not go back to work.
I wish I could have been a SAHM- missed so much. Plenty of children go to school without nursery first. The first year is Reception not Y6!

Relax and support their decision.

Leaannb · 20/10/2020 22:10

Mind your business and stay in your lane. Their parenting decisions is of no business of yours

TurquoiseDress · 20/10/2020 22:13

I personally agree with your views on nursery/pre-school, it sets children up well to start school, being with other children, getting into a daily routine going in, activities & interacting with adults and children in the setting.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is anything you can do about this (apart from have/constructively express your opinion) as they are not your children.

It's a very polarising debate, and people get very defensive for lots of different reasons.

Each to their own, people need to do what they feel is right for their own children.

As I've read so far, you have been given very short shrift by other posters.

BlueJava · 20/10/2020 22:13

Personally I think they are fine at home. Mine went to school at 5 and didn't go to nursery at all - no problems at all

Givemeabreak88 · 20/10/2020 22:17

I didn’t send my 3 year old to nursery this year as I was uncomfortable with the set up due to Covid, not allowed in the preschool, not allowed to meet the teachers, no settling in etc, I’m sorry but I was just not comfortable leaving my 3 year old at reception with strangers and knew dd would hate it to! So I didn’t send her, better call ss now Shock

Newmumatlast · 20/10/2020 22:19

I never went to nursery. Never impacted my life chances. My mother was also a sahm and very good.

EasterIssland · 20/10/2020 22:22

Why is she being selfish ? Why isn’t your son being the selfish one?

Not your monkey not your circus

SMaCM · 20/10/2020 22:22

I always say to people, "If you think they'll struggle when they're 4, then why would you make them do it at 3?" Not only do children not have to go to nursery, they also don't have to go to school (our schools start far too early). However ... for some children, time at nursery does help them make the transition.

Shizzlestix · 20/10/2020 22:24

Only trying to do best by the children

Not your deal, tho, is it, to do best by the children. Not your responsibility or problem.

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 20/10/2020 22:25

My 4 children only started at age late 3-4 years old. They are more mature at that age and they all settled well, no problems, never a cry when left. You can't force independence! They will be fine!

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 20/10/2020 22:26

My three never went to nursery, we did the same as your DIL, lots of groups, friends etc none of them had an issue when starting school.

RabbityMcRabbit · 20/10/2020 22:30

Why would you want your DGC going to nursery in the middle of a pandemic if they didn't have to OP?