DGC 3 not in nursery

[Tellmemoreaboutthat]

My son & dil have 2 DC, 3 & a younger one. Neither are in nursery, DIL is a stay at home mum.

She does take the children out a lot, they meet up with friends who have children the same age, DGC’s seem friendly and social enough.

I am worried though, that DGC will be overwhelmed when they start school if they’ve never been in a nursery setting.

Son & DIL say they don’t see the need as she is home with them and she wants to enjoy ‘their time’ before the DC go to school.

Is it selfish? Putting her needs before the DC? Or aibu?

Not your children. Interesting how you focus on your DIL and not the part your son plays in it though?

You can't say anything.

That said, I'm a SAHM and my 3 year old uses his funded hours at a preschool. He has SM and benefits massively from the prep for school. It also meant the SM was picked up early as we'd have no idea if he wasn't away from us.

If they are applying for schools you could suggest the preschool attached to their first choice

You have personified that mil.

@Tellmemoreaboutthat

Yes they do always seem to be out and about to be honest. They’re wonderful parents, she is a wonderful mother. I’m just concerned about this one aspect but no of course I don’t think it’s akin to abuse!

Then what on earth are you worried about?! They're always out and about and they have a mum who loves being with them, which has to be a fantastic life for little kids.

My 3 year old also isn't in nursery and won't go until he's nearly 4.

I’m worried they will struggle without their mum there from 9-3 when she has been there 24/7 until then. Whilst it is a joint decision, it is DIL who looks after the children all week so I presume her primary decision about whether or not they attend nursery.

I worked in an infant school for 15 years. Most of the children who started in reception came from a nursery setting. Either full time childcare or a nursery class attached to the school.

We did have an occasional child start who had never been to nursery. Sometimes this was because they just didn't get on with being away from mum/dad and sometimes it was a decision the parents had made.

My personal view is that it took children who had never been in nursery slightly longer to get used to the hustle and bustle of school. But when I say longer I mean a week or so.

By the time October half term arrived you couldn't tell who had been to nursery from those who hadn't.

Children are only young for such a short time I can understand your Dil wanting to spend as much time as she can with them

Absolutely none of your business. I’m sure there’s a thread elsewhere asking why grandchildren are going to nursery. Also not the grandparents business. Their children = their rules. I’m confused about why you’re trying to put this “issue” as your DIL door. It’s probably a joint decision

@Tellmemoreaboutthat

I’m worried they will struggle without their mum there from 9-3 when she has been there 24/7 until then. Whilst it is a joint decision, it is DIL who looks after the children all week so I presume her primary decision about whether or not they attend nursery.

Im a SAHM mum but we make massive decisions, like nursery attendance, together!

My DC didn't go to nursery, settled very well in school - no tears at all and very confident.

I think that it's down to the parents. I would of loved to have more time with my DD but I had to go back to work. I think she benefited a lot from nursery but I do feel I missed a lot. Very jealous she can be at home with them, it sounds that shes got a great social life too which is important for them. I think that it's their decision and I know children who went to nursery and still struggled a bit with the changes of school so it's not a cure for first starting school changes.

This is literally none of your business. Stop being the kind of mother in law people write posts about and trust that your son is equally responsible in making the decision.

Another judgemental and interfering grandparent. Not your kid, not your choice. Stay out of it.

I agree that it's the parent's decision, but I'm inclined to agree with you.

There's one boy in DD's class at school who didn't attend nursery or preschool and it really shows. He really struggled with the transition and was in the school office most mornings at drop-off screaming as the teacher tried to drag him away from his DM. He's still like it now, a year later.

Maybe they will home educated the children so don't see the need for nursery?

I think you should MYOB, but what would you do if the majority of people on here agreed with you? Would you tell your son and DIL how to parent their children?

Ok seems IABU. Thank you all.

@namechangetheworld

I agree that it's the parent's decision, but I'm inclined to agree with you.

There's one boy in DD's class at school who didn't attend nursery or preschool and it really shows. He really struggled with the transition and was in the school office most mornings at drop-off screaming as the teacher tried to drag him away from his DM. He's still like it now, a year later.

If the child is still like that after a year of school I seriously doubt going to nursery would have helped matters. Clearly there are other issues at play with the child. Why would parents send a child to nursery just to make the kid miserable a year earlier than necessary?

(Note I am referring to that child not children in nursery in general, my DS goes to preschool twice a week and is very happy).

@namechangetheworld

I agree that it's the parent's decision, but I'm inclined to agree with you.

There's one boy in DD's class at school who didn't attend nursery or preschool and it really shows. He really struggled with the transition and was in the school office most mornings at drop-off screaming as the teacher tried to drag him away from his DM. He's still like it now, a year later.

What a lovely story. I assume every other child in the class went to nursery then?

I’m a SAHM currently and we put our DS into nursery when he became eligible for the 3yo 15 hours funding. He absolutely loved it and thrived, he learnt so much from all the fantastic activities that we couldn’t provide at home (without spending a fortune on materials), and made some really good friends who he still sees three years later. Imo the 15 hours are a beneficial way for children to gradually experience the world beyond their own home, before starting school.

Totally fine not to send your DC too.

Please don’t say anything to your DS & DIL- their child, their decision.

No she's not being selfish, let her and the children enjoy each others company before they start school.

Even with nursery they'll be overwhelmed starting school as it'll be a completely new environment and routine.

But I would love more time with my children, your DIL is very lucky!!!

It might not be as simple as you think. A lot of nurseries around us only accept the 15 hours of you send the child a minimum of 4 days a week. Even with the 15 hours we would have to pay £800 a month to send our child. Our closest nursery we could get into with the 15 hours is a few miles away, which, if we didn't have a car, would be fairly impossible right now.

Also, nursery bubbles are being sent home for isolation a lot right now. If my child wasn't so old for her school year, and hadn't already known her teachers and friends before lockdown, I'm not sure now would be the best time to start. My younger one misses my older one a lot through the day, so it's good they have each other.
3 is still so little, really.

OP, did you go to nursery before school? And your husband? How did you turn out?

“There's one boy in DD's class at school who didn't attend nursery or preschool and it really shows. He really struggled with the transition and was in the school office most mornings at drop-off screaming as the teacher tried to drag him away from his DM. He's still like it now, a year later.“

One of mine was like that, despite several terms at an excellent preschool. He had undiagnosed SEN. One of his peers, to my knowledge neurotypical, cried at every drop off until year 2 despite being in a full time nursery since babyhood. You have no idea what that child’s issues are and if he’s still crying a year later a few terms of nursery probably wouldn’t have made a difference. It’s entirely possible the very reason he wasn’t at nursery was because of his difficulties with separation. I’m a big fan of preschool/early years education but it isn’t right for everyone and frankly I wouldn’t be worried about a happy and well socialised child with an attentive SAHM and apparently excellent parents.

I think if @Tellmemoreaboutthat had said she was a friend observing, most of the replies would have been VERY different!